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Original poster

"it's all you can offer so get on with it"

68 replies

nextstoprelate · 31/05/2011 20:12

God this is depressing.

H has a shit attitude towards sex. One of those people who thinks whinging is appealing and I'm being unreasonable not to 'service his needs'. Also crossed a MASSIVE line some time ago - penetrated me while I was asleep, which I made clear was a a big deal - and killed my interest in him for a good long time.

Started a conversation with me the other night saying "how would you react if I said I wanted to have my needs met elsewhere?"

Was a fairly interesting conversation actually. I felt I was expressing myself quite clearly and he reacted well to "why is your percieved right to sex more important to my right to a faithful husband?" I said we needed to have counselling if he was thinking along these lines seriously, and that counselling was probably a good idea anyway.

He said he'd think about it.

We were away over the long weekend with the DCs, staying with the ILs. Had okay sex on Sun morning while DCs were playing in the garden. Looking back I regret it slightly as the night before H had been all sulky - "don't touch me if you're not going to shag me" - said that he was doing me a favour by saying that (that all intimate touching has to = sex?) - he says the same about his occasional porn watching actually. I put that down to the alcohol and H had been brilliant and sexy that day and I felt like it. So we shagged. Started my period seconds later.

Were a bit pissed again last night and having a snog and a grope after a really nice evening actually. In the same room as the DCs though so no more than that I thought. H shoved my head towards his cock repeatedly. I indicated I wasn't really up for it. He said "two out of your three orifices are out of order, it's all you can offer so get on with it".

I said (hissed really), that he was disgusting and to go fuck himself and slept on the blow-up bed with DC2.

Not sure I want to go to relate TBH. What a horrible entitled arsewipe.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 31/05/2011 20:19

you poor thing!! he sounds disgusting!! has he never said that kind of thing before?

DandyGilver · 31/05/2011 20:21

He doesn't sound very nice. Does he have any redeeming points?

Sulky, whiney and entitled are not a winning trio in my book.

MooMooFarm · 31/05/2011 20:23

Jesus that's horrible on so many levels. Did he think he was being funny? (not that that would excuse it).

Apart from the total lack of respect for you, how can he think it's acceptable to try to get you to engage in a sex act in front of your DCs? Did I read that right? Shock

In your position I don't think I would see relate as an option - I don't think I would want to salvage that kind of relationship. Sorry.

Original poster
nextstoprelate · 31/05/2011 20:24

He's said stuff like that occasionally but not in the same room as the DCs and not while trying to shove his stinky drunk cock in my face. He really meant it, wasn't even trying to sound jovial or anything.

He has a billion redeeming points but this is becoming a bit soul-destroying.

He's gorgeous, clever, funny, brilliant father to the DCs, brilliant husband apart from this, but 'this' is just becoming overwhelming. How am I ever going to fancy him again?

OP posts:
pointythings · 31/05/2011 20:26

Read your previous thread and honestly - he isn't going to change. I think you know this, I also hope you realise that you deserve better. So do your DCs - your toxic relationship is going to be the model that they will base their own relationships on if you stay.

So take steps and dump him.

expatinscotland · 31/05/2011 20:28

'He has a billion redeeming points but this is becoming a bit soul-destroying.

He's gorgeous, clever, funny, brilliant father to the DCs, brilliant husband apart from this, but 'this' is just becoming overwhelming. How am I ever going to fancy him again?'

He's none of these things. Why? Because he's a person who sees his spouse as a fuck toy there to get him off.

He also raped you. Penetrating someone when they're unconscious and you know they're not into it is rape.

You need counselling to figure out why you stay with an emotionally abusive person who sees women as fuck toys.

Original poster
nextstoprelate · 31/05/2011 20:30

Haven't posted using this name before - does someone have a similar name/H? Poor them if so Sad

I am so OFFENDED. "all you can offer"? When his children are in the room - all their mother can offer is unenthusiastic oral sex?

OP posts:
Original poster
nextstoprelate · 31/05/2011 20:31

expat, don't really want to get into that yawnsome debate really. We'd have sleep sex before, this time was different, we had that discussion.

For years and years and years our sex life was brilliant and mutual. I would've walked long ago (and not had DCs), otherwise.

OP posts:
piratecat · 31/05/2011 20:33

this coupled with the penetrative sex when you were asleep are enough to tell him to do one. and they are the only incidences WE know about. he's disgusting, and no other of those redeeming qualities make up for how he 'sees' you.

ie as a sex provider/insignificant 'woman'

my god. please get rid.

Smum99 · 31/05/2011 20:33

yuck, I shuddered. How long have you been together ? If this is relatively new behaviour could external influences be a factor? You mentioned porn, has his usage increased?

pointythings · 31/05/2011 20:33

Relate I recognised you from your post about being penetrated while asleep - unless this has happened to someone else on MN too! Shock.

Seriously, his million redeeming features do not in any way compensate for what he is doing to you sexually.

expatinscotland · 31/05/2011 20:33

'expat, don't really want to get into that yawnsome debate really.'

You think it's 'yawnsome'? Then why bring it up?

He treats you like a fucky toy.

And you're still looking for ways to find this person attractive?

GypsyMoth · 31/05/2011 20:35

i'd buy him a blow up doll.....leave it on the bed when you leave!

Original poster
nextstoprelate · 31/05/2011 20:39

pointy I've been on MN for a year or so and have seen a horrific number of posts about women being penetrated while asleep - and lots of comments from women it's happened or does happen to - and a range of reactions from "maybe you unconsciously led him on"(!!!), to "rape".

In our situation, we have form for sex which starts from sex but this was different and I made it very clear to him that it was.

expat, I brought it up because otherwise it'd be drip-feeding and I wanted to make it clear that it was a single big incident which had kicked off my lack of interest in sex with H rather than a gradual decline. I have seen "your poor husband" responses to posts where sex is very very rare and wanted to pre-empt those.

OP posts:
Original poster
nextstoprelate · 31/05/2011 20:40

"form for sex which starts from sleep" - sorry, trying to chase DC1 off to bed while typing furiously.

I really think I can't be fucked trying to fix this. He can go and try to find someone else to shag.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 31/05/2011 20:45

nextstop, you deserve so much more than a person who sees you as 'three orifices'. And that's how he sees you because that's how he treats you.

ScrotalPantomime · 31/05/2011 20:45

That's awful. All of it. You deserve so much better x

cerealqueen · 31/05/2011 20:54

OP this is awful, he only seems to see you as a number of holes to be fucked. Sorry to be so brutal in that.

GooGooMuck · 31/05/2011 21:01

I am very :( for you OP.

I'd be making it clear that he had reduced the possiblity of any sex at all with me to zero through that attitude. It is a disgusting way to view your wife.

He can't have always been like this, surely? So maybe counselling could fix him?

I'm shocked that he is so open in his lack of respect for you.

Lizzabadger · 31/05/2011 21:03

He was trying to engage you in a sex act with children in the room? That constitutes child abuse IMO. I'm also shocked that you feel it is acceptable to "grope" each other in front of the dc. It sounds like you could really do with looking at your boundaries. Did this sort of thing happen in your household when you were a child?

Your h's behaviour towards you also crosses loads of lines and it is clear he doesn't see you as a person. I agree with the previous poster who suggested you look at what in your past leads you to find this acceptable.

Original poster
nextstoprelate · 31/05/2011 21:08

GooGoo this is what I am wondering. He wasn't always like this. We used to have a really good, mutually enjoyable and most of all respectful sex life. It was great.

So counselling might help? I think the issues started from the event I already described - maybe he feels differently.

But I am concerned that a counsellor might share his view that penetrating me when we'd had sleep-sex before is no big deal. That would completely close things down and I have heard about counsellors with shit attitudes to that sort of thing.

And I can't stop thinking - if he really loved me, he'd be horrified I was upset, NOT defensive about it all and trying to make it my fault.

But for the great relationship we once had maybe I owe it to us to try counselling? For my own peace of mind? Ending our marriage would be a really, really big thing to do. I'd like to believe I tried everything.

But then again, if he says these things after just a few months - maybe this attitude has always been there, underneath. And is he actually going to try and work on things? Probably not.

I actually hate him today. We went to the beach with the DCs, drove home, chatting and being normal. Does he even remember what he said/did?

He goes on about how rejected he feels but he's just rejected me-the-person totally. I am NOT just holes.

Sorry for ranting but I don't want to lose this anger. What happened last night feels important.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 31/05/2011 21:13

He see you as holes. Because people who don't couldn't get off on sex or sex acts with someone they know isn't a completely willing partner.

Regardless of how things were, this is how they are now. He thinks you're there to service him sexually and makes threats like 'I'll go elsewhere' and tries to force you into sex acts.

There is nothing healthy about that.

TragicallyHip · 31/05/2011 21:13

How long has he been acting like this?

It's not acceptable, especially in front of the dc. How old are they? Would they have understood what was going on?

Original poster
nextstoprelate · 31/05/2011 21:16

Lizza, really? Child abuse? The DCs were fast asleep on the other side of the room with computer desk etc between us. I agree an actual sex act would be a no-go in case one of them woke up but over-clothes groping not such a big deal IMO. We kiss in front of them and are generally physically affectionate but not sexually so (don't grope while they're awake).

Not sure what you mean about things being similar when I was growing up. My parents kissed and stuff too but I don't think that's inappropriate. I don't know if they used to snog and grope while we were asleep in the room though.

'my past' - that makes me cross, really. I am clearly outraged and this behaviour is very new in the context of our relationship. I married someone who treated me really well. He doesn't anymore and I am considering ending the marriage over it. Not sure what to blame on my past really.

OP posts:
quietlysuggests · 31/05/2011 21:21

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