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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"it's all you can offer so get on with it"

68 replies

nextstoprelate · 31/05/2011 20:12

God this is depressing.

H has a shit attitude towards sex. One of those people who thinks whinging is appealing and I'm being unreasonable not to 'service his needs'. Also crossed a MASSIVE line some time ago - penetrated me while I was asleep, which I made clear was a a big deal - and killed my interest in him for a good long time.

Started a conversation with me the other night saying "how would you react if I said I wanted to have my needs met elsewhere?"

Was a fairly interesting conversation actually. I felt I was expressing myself quite clearly and he reacted well to "why is your percieved right to sex more important to my right to a faithful husband?" I said we needed to have counselling if he was thinking along these lines seriously, and that counselling was probably a good idea anyway.

He said he'd think about it.

We were away over the long weekend with the DCs, staying with the ILs. Had okay sex on Sun morning while DCs were playing in the garden. Looking back I regret it slightly as the night before H had been all sulky - "don't touch me if you're not going to shag me" - said that he was doing me a favour by saying that (that all intimate touching has to = sex?) - he says the same about his occasional porn watching actually. I put that down to the alcohol and H had been brilliant and sexy that day and I felt like it. So we shagged. Started my period seconds later.

Were a bit pissed again last night and having a snog and a grope after a really nice evening actually. In the same room as the DCs though so no more than that I thought. H shoved my head towards his cock repeatedly. I indicated I wasn't really up for it. He said "two out of your three orifices are out of order, it's all you can offer so get on with it".

I said (hissed really), that he was disgusting and to go fuck himself and slept on the blow-up bed with DC2.

Not sure I want to go to relate TBH. What a horrible entitled arsewipe.

OP posts:
Original poster
nextstoprelate · 31/05/2011 21:26

Yeah, just keeping on isn't happening. Would be massive betrayal of myself.

The conversation was, I think, him expecting a row - that I'd be shocked and horrified. I was pretty calm and asked a lot of questions.

He's not been negative about conselling in principle so I think it's time to sort something out. I don't know how he's justifying any of this shit in his head. The fact he (probably), is troubles me though.

OP posts:
quietlysuggests · 31/05/2011 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gay40 · 31/05/2011 21:31

Vile.
Whatever is said and done in an argument (ie some really shitty things), that sort of sexual agression would be the clincher for ending it.

itsohsoquiet · 31/05/2011 21:34

How long have you been together without these issues arising?
Have you spoken about what has caused this change in behaviour?

You say he isn't against counselling so I would get some sorted asap and if that doesn't work then it will be time to call it quits.

I think if it was me I would be like you and want to believe I had tried everything possible to salvage it before walking away but his behaviour could be putting you in danger and there is only so long you can put up with it.

HorseWhisperer · 31/05/2011 21:36

nextstop, I am horrified for you. I am staggered by the lack of respect he has shown you.

You say his behaviour is new ... how does a reasonable man suddenly turn into a this? Where has it come from? I think couples counselling is a super idea but I also think that he really needs to talk to someone on his own. If this was my dh whose character changed so dramatically I would be worried that there was some psychological issues there.

So sorry for you.

wearenotinkansas · 31/05/2011 21:36

Personally I'd be too pissed off to bother with Relate - in fact probably would have kicked him out that night.

Original poster
nextstoprelate · 31/05/2011 21:39

quietly, what started it off was him penetrating me while I was asleep. I was horrified and furious and he was incredulous, "we've done it before", and didn't see it was different. We barely had sex for months after that and it felt like the more we talked the more disturbing assumptions came out. I started feeling like he only cared about sex - he got sulky, never tried to interest ME in sex, would just ask if I was up for it and then huff when I said no.

He used to go down on me for hours, we used to have a brilliant sex life.

itsohsoquiet we've been together 17 years, since our v early 20s.

OP posts:
Original poster
nextstoprelate · 31/05/2011 21:42

Horse he feels controlled, maybe? Like I am trying to control him with sex?

You know what, I am not going to guess, I am going to email a relate person right now.

wearenotinkansas yeah, we were at the ILs 100s of miles from home or I'd've told him to sleep elsewhere too. He's acted really normal today, maybe he doesn't remember or maybe he doesn't think it's a big deal? Which is worse, jesus.

OP posts:
Lizzabadger · 31/05/2011 21:45

You didn't say that the dc were asleep, just that they were in the room. I retract the child abuse/boundaries comment. Still think your husband is a complete cock though.

ScrotalPantomime · 31/05/2011 21:47

:(

Hope you get some luck with relate, I don't think there's any harm in giving that a try. Shit though, what a cunt he is.

HorseWhisperer · 31/05/2011 21:52

Next What? Not sure where I wrote that you control him with sex Confused... Nowhere in my post do I say or even imply that. I am being very sympathetic to you. I was trying to just say that he may have issues that perhaps have nothing to do with you or your relationship.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Original poster
nextstoprelate · 31/05/2011 21:53

Lizza I checked back and you're right, I didn't make it clear they were asleep. Sorry for being snippy and thankyou for the retraction.

He IS a complete cock. And I am just... the man I have loved and we have these beautiful children and our years together reduced to that. To this. Horrible and pathetic man.

OP posts:
Original poster
nextstoprelate · 31/05/2011 21:59

No, Horse, I was responding to your question - how could a reasonable man turn into this. I was wondering how he'd justify it. What does HE think is happening.

Sorry, my head is all over the place and the DCs keep getting up.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 31/05/2011 22:01

It's not on and never on to repeatedly shove someone's head towards one's genitals.

And all that aggression, 'Don't touch me if you're not going to shag me' 'I'll go elsewhere' doing you a favour by saying all touching must lead to sex, comments about your orifices.

I'd go to Relate on my own tbh.

millie30 · 31/05/2011 22:15

Hi OP, I think the fact that he is continuing to behave like this after the incident when you were sleeping which clearly caused a lot of distress, is quite telling. He is displaying a complete lack of remorse, or any recognition that his behaviour is wrong. I would second going to relate on your own and talking things through with someone. I'm sorry that you are going through this, his behaviour is appalling and I hope you are ok.

HorseWhisperer · 31/05/2011 22:18

Blame you? The thing is no matter what, his behaviour has been vile and there is no justification for it unless he has suffered some sort of undiagnosed head injury. Glad you will be speaking to Relate, Next. Whatever happens you sound like a strong lady, dont take any crap from him. You deserve more than this.

Original poster
nextstoprelate · 31/05/2011 22:30

He's back and is being all normal.

I think I am going to see a counsellor for a session to get my head straight before we start relate. If I get angry or upset he dismisses what I'm saying. Irony is that I was angry and upset when I gave a shit and now it's easy to be dispassionate.

Thanks so much for listening to me tonight everyone.

OP posts:
TimeForMeIsFree · 31/05/2011 22:45

next, my ex used to have penetrate me while I was asleep. He also showed no remorse afterwards. My counsellor told me it was nothing less than rape and the fact he showed no feeling afterwards indicated that he knew full well it was.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's sickening.

butterflybee · 02/06/2011 13:42

I wanted to check if you're reading the (other) abuse threads on here? Just to flag up that they seem to say that couples counselling may not be appropriate as this assumes you both have a part to play in what's happening - which is clearly not the case here. Not to say you shouldn't make up your own mind.. and there are also perpetrator programs that work with men who have been abusive, acknowledge this and want to work hard and long to change it.

crje · 02/06/2011 13:53

Id avoid alcohol until ye resolve this,it seems to be making a bad situation worse.

Omigawd · 02/06/2011 18:09

Just a thought, from reading between the OP lines.....

(i) You guys used tohave consensual sleepy sex which you stopped for some reason if I read it right?

(ii) You are already having discussions about "how would you react if I said I wanted to have my needs met elsewhere?"

The "other person's point of view" that is forming in my head is that the amount/ type of sex that was once on offer has declined somewhat. Is this the case?

Omigawd · 02/06/2011 22:08

Sorry, above comment seemed a bit sharp- what I mean is that a "He's gorgeous, clever, funny, brilliant father to the DCs, brilliant husband" doesn't become a complete arsewipe in an instant without reasons (albeit not ones you or I may agree with) and this looked tome like sheer sexual frustration + too much booze talking.

TeachMySelfBalance · 02/06/2011 22:42

Imho, offensive treatment indicates things going on within the offensive one, not the target of the offense. This is about him, not you, Next. Hth with more disconnection.

The 'being normal' facade is dismissiveness. Your feelings are being degraded out of existence. You are right to hang on to the anger (and right to feel that you should Wink ).

The reason for the genesis of this alteration is irrelevant, imho. It might be interesting to know, but it won't change the fact that you are exactly right to defend your boundary against unacceptable behavior every time.

Original poster
nextstoprelate · 03/06/2011 00:06

Hi guys.

I am still angry!

Yeah we'd had sleepy sex before but - and I think this is really important - it started out as sleepy sex. The time I freaked out, he penetrated me while I was still asleep. And I've seen how threads on this sort of topic go and I really don't want to go there but EVEN IF I had moved in an 'encouraging' way or he 'thought' I was into it (despite the fact that consent had always been more explicit previously), the FACT that it upset me, that I was shocked and felt violated, should (I think), have horrified my H, made him feel remorse, "oh my god darling I am so sorry". Surely.

But he didn't, he got aggressively defensive and said i was being ridiculous. This was the first time in our whole history there'd been an issue like that so I'd never had cause to think about how he thought about it all - he's gorgeous, great, sexy, wonderful in bed - but he reacted like that to upsetting me. Not good, surely. I just lost my trust and sex declined sharply. Because I was so disgusted by his attitude - that it was my problem, I was overreacting.

And since then, since the sex has declined, he's been acting like an entitled wanker about sex. All the easy sensuality I used to feel towards him has gone. I am fucking angry about that, and about what he did over the weekend.

I asked about it specifically after my posts and he didn't really remember it. He said "I thought we were okay" (because we had sex I suppose). I've said counselling is now going to happen and he has agreed to attend.

OP posts:
jasper · 03/06/2011 04:07

Nextstop, have you sat him down, without the kids being around , and calmly explained to him, in the simplest of terms, why that one incident of being actually penetrated while asleep was NOT the same as anything previous?

And that his attitude to you being upset about it was as bad as the actual event? You have explained it very well here. I get your point totally!