"it's all you can offer so get on with it"

[nextstoprelate]

God this is depressing.

H has a shit attitude towards sex. One of those people who thinks whinging is appealing and I'm being unreasonable not to 'service his needs'. Also crossed a MASSIVE line some time ago - penetrated me while I was asleep, which I made clear was a a big deal - and killed my interest in him for a good long time.

Started a conversation with me the other night saying "how would you react if I said I wanted to have my needs met elsewhere?"

Was a fairly interesting conversation actually. I felt I was expressing myself quite clearly and he reacted well to "why is your percieved right to sex more important to my right to a faithful husband?" I said we needed to have counselling if he was thinking along these lines seriously, and that counselling was probably a good idea anyway.

He said he'd think about it.

We were away over the long weekend with the DCs, staying with the ILs. Had okay sex on Sun morning while DCs were playing in the garden. Looking back I regret it slightly as the night before H had been all sulky - "don't touch me if you're not going to shag me" - said that he was doing me a favour by saying that (that all intimate touching has to = sex?) - he says the same about his occasional porn watching actually. I put that down to the alcohol and H had been brilliant and sexy that day and I felt like it. So we shagged. Started my period seconds later.

Were a bit pissed again last night and having a snog and a grope after a really nice evening actually. In the same room as the DCs though so no more than that I thought. H shoved my head towards his cock repeatedly. I indicated I wasn't really up for it. He said "two out of your three orifices are out of order, it's all you can offer so get on with it".

I said (hissed really), that he was disgusting and to go fuck himself and slept on the blow-up bed with DC2.

Not sure I want to go to relate TBH. What a horrible entitled arsewipe.

I've had some similar problems, mostly the "don't touch me if you don't want sex thing" and being genereally obsessed with it. We are working on it but recently I realised that it is my DHs depression that is making him like this. I realised that depression and an increased interest (obsession more like) are linked. He was using sex as a way to lift his mood and fill a void, but all it did was lift his mood for 5 mins and then it would come crashing down again. We have realised that he is chemically unbalanced and probably needs to go back on anti-depressants and maybe even stay on them forever. He also has some self esteem issues I think and had got into a loop of feeling down, being naggy about sex, not getting sex (who wants to in that situation) and that was making him even more down.

Totally has made a very good point, My Dh got very "sex- obsessed" when he was suffering anxiety and depression, I don't thing he even realised he was depressed and anxious at the time but he got very self centred, and felt that his sex life wasn't as fulfilling and exciting as it should be!

oldwomaninashoe Glad I'm not the only one! Mine didn't realise it either. He actually thought the whole problem was the lack of sex, but then I realised that some time earlier he had thought the whole problem was his job, and before that it was something else. I think for my DH at least, he focuses his depression and negative thoughts onto something and then becomes convinced that that thing is the reason he is down and so becomes obsessed with that thing.

OP - have you confronted him about his 'orifices' comment?

Mine Dh says the orifices thing but as a joke. Was he really serious?

Controlling abusive behaviour takes many forms , often subtle , and i think this is often one of them . A man who was previously good in bed , respectfull ect often turns into a whinging demanding arsehole , effectiveley making sure his wife doesnt want to have sex with him . He then uses this as something to beat her over the head with and bully her with .

In the book Living With The Dominater ( written for womans aid ) these men are referred to as sexual controllers . I would aproach womens aid for counselling as i dont think this is about sex at all . Its controlling , its nasty , its a deliberate attempt to demean you and reduce you to an orifice.

OMG. I wouldn't be going to relate, I'd be leaving the arsehole. Yuck.

I mean yuck not just about the orifices comment, but about all his disgusting behaviour towards you that you've described. He has no respect for you at all.

I'm reading this thread with my chin on my chest. I'm almost lost for words, except to say that I'm not in the least surprised you don't want to have sex with him. I don't think I ever would again.

My take on all this is that OP and DH had a misnderstanding over a sleepy sex event, both get on their respective high horses, she turns the tap off, his balls go blue, add booze to the mix and it all comes to a head (or rather doesn't....).

Sorry Mumsnet lynchmob, I just don't buy that a man who is a nice guy, good dad, GiB etc etc (to quote OP) then turns into a complete arsewipe/wanker/whatever on the strength of one error. Takes 2 to tango...

Risk now is that both DPs will do some serious damage to each other and more critically to the DCs unless they can find a compromise.

Thank goodness Omi. I thought I was the only person reading that.

You'd both be OK with being regarded as receptacles for your DPs then? With 3 holes?

NO, I seriously think that was rude and a stupid thing to say but he was drunk, and although it is not an excuse I think OP is over reacting.

And penetrating her when she was fast asleep and telling her she's over-reacting when she feels violated?

Sorry, but the two to tango line makes me mad. How the heck does it take 'two to tango' when somebody else has sex with another person when that other person is asleep? The suggestion that it took two to tango in this instance is just absolutely ludicrous.

Over-reacting? Don't think so.

I think was a misunderstanding of what was acceptable in their relationship and then feeling defensive at what may have sound like a suggestion of rape...

I think Omi was referring to the behaviour on both sides AFTER this event when she said 'two to tango'

Firstly, OP it sounds as though this is all making you really (understandably) miserable and my sympathies are firmly with you.

Now to your husband...

You've mentioned a number of times that he was not like this before children and although opportunities for sex were probably more frequent then, his perceived need for sex seems far stronger and almost non-negotiable now.

He is trying to service more than just the need for sex here.. the need for what else - is something counselling might help to unravel.

What counselling will certainly do is establish the boundaries and ground rules you need to operate within whilst you are trying to resolve this.

You may get a duff counsellor - it happens- but if you go by recommendation/through an established organisation, the chances are you won't.

Will you hear things you don't want to hear? Probably. But I'd be surprised if tolerating non-consensual sex was one of them....