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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is there hope or do I rather run fast?

52 replies

HeadInTheSand10 · 28/05/2011 13:25

ok, I try to keep it a brief as possible.

have been with DH for 9 years. we have 2 sons. DS1 is 4 and has SN (no dx yet but many things point towards autism, he is a very complex and challenging child) and DS2 (2 years old).

DH has over the last years changed quite a lot. he is utterly unsupportive in practical terms (he works full time, I do part time): I do the household on my own (every little thing, cleaning, laundry, ironing, cooking... etc etc). he doesn't help a lot with the children either. I have to most of the things: dressing, bathing, make sure they are fed, getting them ready in the morning, settling them to sleep (which is esp difficult with DS1 due to his SN). I also to the nursery/school run every day.

he totally refuses to help. when I ask him, he basically gets crazy and starts shouting abuse at me and telling me, that this is not his job (he goes to work and that is in his view his bit). I am told on a daily basis, that I am f* * this, f * * that, get told to throw myself under a train to make this world a better place.

most of the bills go out of my account (stupidly we arranged it like this many years back before we had kids). he gives me a small amount each month from his salary towards the bills. as I only do p/t, my wage is rather small and every single penny in my account gets spent on the bills. I can't even get myself a face cream (I dared to do it last month for a fiver and he hit the roof)... as he is working so hard (so he says), he needs to sleep well and doesn't want to be disturbed at night. and hence he threw me out of the bedroom (luckily our sofa is comfy)...

I could go on and on and on but I suppose you get the gist.

I have to give him credit to being lovely with his sons and they absolutely adore him.

he refuses to talk to me and ignores me most of the time.

needless to say, I am completely exhausted from the stress this relationship give me, on top I have my own job, all the household is on my shoulders and last but not least my 2 gorgeous boys. as DS1 has SN, he is also a very different package to a 'normal' 4-year old.

anybody been in a similar situation and has managed to work things out? how?

or do you think it is better to prepare my way out of this? though this would be very difficult for me. I have no savings at all. also, I haven't got family who could help me (they live abroad).

I just try to analyse the situation and to think about the best way forward but my head isn't clear at all and my thought just go round in circles...

any advice?

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 28/05/2011 13:28

Like the wind, head in the sand, like the bloody wind. That's financial abuse right there, he's keeping you very poor. Implying he doesn't need to do anything round the house because he works full time and you only part time, whereas in fact you are doing a 168-hour week. He sounds horrible. I have no practical advice for how you'd do it, but I'm sure someone will be along who does. All the best to you, you deserve far better. x

cjbartlett · 28/05/2011 13:33

he refuses to talk to me and ignores me most of the time.

jeez, you poor thing

MuthaHubbard · 28/05/2011 13:33

run - you say you are exhausted from this 'relationship'...... this isn't a relationship at all.

hopefully someone will come along with better advice x

IslaValargeone · 28/05/2011 13:35

Crikey! I'm surprised you even want to work this out?
I would certainly be making moves to end it. I think your best bet is a solicitor, to find out your options, as really it is him that needs to leave and not you and your boys. His behaviour is shocking. Do you have friends near you for a bit of support/comfort?

tribpot · 28/05/2011 13:37

So you do and pay for everything, with a small contribution of money from him? WTF? What's he doing with the money he earns?

Original poster
HeadInTheSand10 · 28/05/2011 13:43

tripot, he must be saving it up. he does not drink/smoke/gamble/go out (he doesn't really have a lot of friends - no surprise I assume)/ doesn't have expensive hobbies etc... I don't know really

OP posts:
strawberryjelly · 28/05/2011 13:43

You need to get out. In the meantime-

Are the bills in your name? If they are you have no option but to keep paying. If they are not in your name, I'd hand them over to him, with a cheque/cash for a small percentage that is reasonable - ie if he earns 3x what you do, split the bills 75/25.

If he has access to your money then go to the bank and stop that.

Start making plans to go and find somewhere to live, or find a means of getting him to go.

If you want to divorce him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, keep a record of everything he says and does- it needs to be within 6 months.

If he is verbally abusive, threatens you, or intimidates you with his language etc, call the police and say you are in danger.

He sounds like an utter monster.

Mabelface · 28/05/2011 13:48

Women's aid will help you here. It's financial and emotional abuse here and your life would be easier without him, plus you would be financially better off.

buzzsore · 28/05/2011 13:51

It sounds like emotional and financial abuse: he's deliberately keeping you poor and beating you down verbally. He's treating you worse than a dog.

His actual contribution to your family unit is tiny, you would be better off without him. You're getting no love, no affection, no help other than a bit towards the bills. Well, you know - tax credits (and child maintenance payments) would cover that. And you'd have your own bed and no abuse.

I know it's not easy to see when you're in it, but you deserve so much more than this.

garlicbutter · 28/05/2011 13:58

He is what mumsnet calls a cocklodger.

Yes, run. Taking only what you can carry, if necessary, but much better to plan ahead & give him back only what he's put into your family Wink

Imnotaslimjim · 28/05/2011 14:12

I never post on relationship threads as I'm generally not one to say "leave him" but
Do it, leave him. Pack what you can and get out of there. He treats you like shit, and you're letting him. You don't dserve it but he's got you thinking that he's right

You've been given some great advice already, please follow it, and soon. There is nothing there "to work out" he is a prick and he is taking you for a ride. He can still be a good dad as a non-resident parent

Good luck

atswimtwolengths · 28/05/2011 14:14

You need to leave him. He thinks the world would be a better place without you in it and you are wondering whether to stay?

I find it hard to understand how you've ended up paying for everything. When you part, make absolutely sure he pays the full CSA contribution. Don't offer to negotiate with him or reach an unofficial figure. You will be worse off as a result.

I would tell him you want a divorce. However, I can't give you any advice as to how to get him out - I'm not sure how you can do that if he won't go. I also don't know how you can find somewhere to live. I really hope someone will help you with this.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2011 14:18

when I got to the bit where he verbally abuses you, I thought "I bet she says he's a good father"

no he isn't

a man who emotionally, verbally and financially abuses the mother of his children really is not a good father

now you know you have to disentangle yourself from him

would you like your sons to grow up and treat women like this ?

lubeybooby · 28/05/2011 15:01

Womens aid, they will help you, please get out of there.

TheSecondComing · 28/05/2011 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeirdAcronymNotKnown · 28/05/2011 15:15

Speechless.

Except to say get rid of him.

Original poster
HeadInTheSand10 · 28/05/2011 15:22

thanks!

the whole relationship changed very slowly over a long period of time and I think I just don't know anymore what is normal and what is not. my jaw drops when e.g. friends tell me they got a birthday present from their DH or that their DH takes their kids to bed... but this seems to be rather normal - just not in the world where I live. I think I lost completely the perspective as to what is normal and what is not IYSWIM.

I will contact women's aid next week (just googled their local office). you are probably right, I need to prepare my way out of here. I just want to do it well planned rather than rushing out of here with 2 kids into another mess (esp with regards to DS1)

thanks for your encouraging posts!

OP posts:
anniepanniepears · 28/05/2011 15:27

do you have any close friends that you can talk to /get help in the short term ,my heart goes out to you please take care you deserve better

TheOriginalFAB · 28/05/2011 15:29

Run run as fast you can.

This man is NOT lovely to his sons. He can't be when he treats his wife like dirt.

Get yourself out of this abusive relationship and build a new, happier life for your sons and yourself.

HerHissyness · 28/05/2011 16:31

Hills >>>> over there >>>>> RUN for them! Grin

Seriously, Other (happy) people don't live like this.

It's not just financial, it's emotional and verbal abuse.

There are ways you can approach this.

One that you stand up to him, tell him he has to change, that you will give him a chance to be a good H, a good dad and explain to him at length the reasons why his treatment of you is not acceptable.....

Or you could save yourself the heartache of the eventual realisation that nothing you do or say or threaten will EVER change how he treats you.

He fundamentally believes he is utterly entitled to treat you like this. he will NEVER give it up, why on earth would he?

You believe (and you are correct) that you deserve to be treated equally
He believes just as strongly, if not more so, that you do not, and furthermore, no-one telling him he has to change has any right to do so.

Get yourself a copy of Why Does He Do That, and you will understand that it is all about him, and nothing to do with you. You can't change him, he won't change.

HerHissyness · 28/05/2011 16:33

Meant to add, Sorry. I know it's hard to face, but you may as well.

You have 2 sons, they will grow up thinking they have the same rights too, not only will they turn on you, but they will learn from him that all women are to be treated like this.

The time to go is now, before the warped view of women is too hard-wired.

Cakeonsaturday · 28/05/2011 18:29

Sounds like he'll x womens aid will give you lots of practical advice on your legal rights, finances etc... contact than asap he sounds really awful. It simply can't be good for the dcs seeing their mother treated like this , it will be hurting them even tho they won't be able to verbalise it just yet. Try to get yourself organised to get away from him- it can only be better than what you and your dcs are going thro' now x

AnyFucker · 28/05/2011 18:51

please keep posting

Anniegetyourgun · 28/05/2011 18:57

It's easy to be nice to small children, especially when someone else is doing all the work. I bet he's not so nice when they get older and start having their own ideas.

For a comparison, just thought I should mention, normal husbands not only buy their wives birthday presents, they buy her occasional flowers and chocolates "just because", and tell her they love her. They do not make her sleep on the sofa. Normal fathers take their DCs to bed and read them stories. Normal partners share the household bills fairly. Need I go on? Your H has got the whole gamut of abuse going on, short of actually knocking you about.

To sum up, I really don't think there's a lot to save here, relationship-wise, no. (Understatement of the century.)

SparklyCloud · 28/05/2011 19:07

Run, fast. Prepare first. Ring the national Autistic Society- Tel: 020 7833 2299 they can help with regards ds1 even though he has no DX.

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