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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is there hope or do I rather run fast?

52 replies

HeadInTheSand10 · 28/05/2011 13:25

ok, I try to keep it a brief as possible.

have been with DH for 9 years. we have 2 sons. DS1 is 4 and has SN (no dx yet but many things point towards autism, he is a very complex and challenging child) and DS2 (2 years old).

DH has over the last years changed quite a lot. he is utterly unsupportive in practical terms (he works full time, I do part time): I do the household on my own (every little thing, cleaning, laundry, ironing, cooking... etc etc). he doesn't help a lot with the children either. I have to most of the things: dressing, bathing, make sure they are fed, getting them ready in the morning, settling them to sleep (which is esp difficult with DS1 due to his SN). I also to the nursery/school run every day.

he totally refuses to help. when I ask him, he basically gets crazy and starts shouting abuse at me and telling me, that this is not his job (he goes to work and that is in his view his bit). I am told on a daily basis, that I am f* * this, f * * that, get told to throw myself under a train to make this world a better place.

most of the bills go out of my account (stupidly we arranged it like this many years back before we had kids). he gives me a small amount each month from his salary towards the bills. as I only do p/t, my wage is rather small and every single penny in my account gets spent on the bills. I can't even get myself a face cream (I dared to do it last month for a fiver and he hit the roof)... as he is working so hard (so he says), he needs to sleep well and doesn't want to be disturbed at night. and hence he threw me out of the bedroom (luckily our sofa is comfy)...

I could go on and on and on but I suppose you get the gist.

I have to give him credit to being lovely with his sons and they absolutely adore him.

he refuses to talk to me and ignores me most of the time.

needless to say, I am completely exhausted from the stress this relationship give me, on top I have my own job, all the household is on my shoulders and last but not least my 2 gorgeous boys. as DS1 has SN, he is also a very different package to a 'normal' 4-year old.

anybody been in a similar situation and has managed to work things out? how?

or do you think it is better to prepare my way out of this? though this would be very difficult for me. I have no savings at all. also, I haven't got family who could help me (they live abroad).

I just try to analyse the situation and to think about the best way forward but my head isn't clear at all and my thought just go round in circles...

any advice?

OP posts:

garlicbutter · 28/05/2011 19:10

HITS, you said: my head isn't clear at all and my thought just go round in circles... any advice?

I just want to reinforce what others have said. Your life is all wrong, and your head goes in spirals because it creeps up on you and you don't notice how your thoughts & expectations have changed. People like your H do this to you - they try and force you to 'be' someone that you're not, then you lose track of yourself. It's a great idea to ring Womens Aid - just to chat; a chance for you to talk to an expert and get your thoughts in order :) 0808 2000 247.

GiveMeSomeSpace · 28/05/2011 19:15

What a lovely role model for your sons!!

You know the answer to this already. I don't need to add anything to the advice above, apart from saying: learn to respect and love yourself again because you're not gonna get either from your twat of a husband. Good luck :)

clam · 28/05/2011 19:15

You ask, "is there hope?"
Well, you tell us. Is there anything good about your life with him?

(and it's going to have to be bloody good to warrant staying with him)

carlywurly · 28/05/2011 19:38

I so want to give you a hug. I understand very well some of what you have to deal with. It's hard enough without some vile, abusive man sapping you financially and emotionally.

Please get out of this situation. I imagine you will be better off financially by leaving him and it will certainly be better for your emotional well being. You're already doing all the work with the dc's (how is he a good father???) You deserve infinitely better than this. Let us all help you where we can.

hangonasec · 28/05/2011 19:46

Just wanted to add that I really hope you get some support from Womens Aid and get you and your children out of this situation. I completely relate to your comment about things changing gradually and you losing a sense of 'what is normal'. As others have said, this isn't. Taking your part-time wages to pay the majority of the bills, making you sleep on the sofa, not to mention the way he talks to you, it absolutely isn't on. With regards to help for your SN son, have your tried Contact a Family? A very helpful charity. Also, you could ask your son's nursery/school to do a CAF form with you to help you access additional support if you haven't already. I know how much stress taking care of your SN child can add to the mix. Stay strong and be kind to yourself, you don't deserve this xxx

AnyFucker · 28/05/2011 19:54

lovely post hangonasec

sassy34264 · 28/05/2011 19:58

I will never understand men like this. My friend has recently left her dp after 13 years because amongst other things, his selfishness over money. It is exactly the same situation, he works full yime, her part time but she paid most of the bills. Now he has to pay all his own bills in the little flat he now resides in and he also has to pay her maintenance for the house and two kids she looks after! I sway between thinking it's pure arrogance (they never think you'll leave) to thinking they must be thick as f*"@!.

His attitude screams of no respect and no love for you. Sorry to be so abrupt. The question really is how many weeks, months, years are you prepared to waste on him before you end up leaving anyway. I speak from experience as i put up with 9 years of physical and emotional abuse. I've learnt over the years that no matter what people advise you or how much you know they are right, people never leave until they are ready. But i've never met anyone who's in this sort of relationship where it gets better. Quite the opposite.

LostInTransmogrification · 28/05/2011 19:59

Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun! He is nothing but a burden to you, physically, mentally and emotionally. He isn't going to change so why subject yourself or your children to this?

AnyFucker · 28/05/2011 20:01

great post, sassy

Terraviva · 28/05/2011 20:02

Hi there Head. So sorry you're in such an awful situation, and it sounds to me that you know you have to get out, but you need practical advice as to how to do it. I'm sure Women's Aid will be able to help with that.

Is there any way you could stay in the home and tell him to leave?
Is your house rented or do you have a mortgage? I've only ever lived in rented accommodation... Are there any other MNers who can advise the OP on how it would work if they have a joint mortgage?

How close are to your family that live abroad? Could you contact them, tell them what's going on (or email them your original post) and ask for help? You need support right now, and practical advice. You are being abused, and I know how difficult it is to ask for help, but you need help. It's times like these when we need our family.

newportstateofmind · 28/05/2011 20:13

HeadInTheSand, clearly the only contribution your 'D'H is making to your family is his relationship with your sons. He can still have that relationship without you having to suffer his appalling behaviour.

I hope you get the professional advice you need to help you get out of this situation as soon as possible.

Good luck x

HerHissyness · 28/05/2011 20:20

I'd agree with the no respect. I'd agree with the immense and over-blown sense of entitlement. But lack of love, no.

These creatures would often say they do love their victim partner, but it is the warped sense of love. My X used to be horrified at my refusal to play along, tolerate or allow his abusive treatment with me in the end. When I put him well and truly back in his place, packing up stuff in a black plastic bag ready to hurl it and him out the front door into the countryside night, he would splutter, But I thought you were like my Mum, that you would love me no matter what.

I said, well you were wrong on the no matter what. I DID love you, but I hated what you did, said and were to me. Now all those actions have poisoned everything I feel for you and I'll not put up with any of it, or you.

They are - technical term - fucked up in the head, they honestly don't know how to love, to show love, nor do they understand that love actually does mean saying you're sorry when you need to, that you have to let your partner be all she can be and support her growth as she supports yours, that you are lucky to have her in your life, for all her good points and bad. Not some blow up doll to do with as you wish, to tell off, to suppress, control, dominate and destroy.

Lundy Bancroft says not to call them monsters. It's so easy to think of them as evil creatures hell bent on our annihilation, but it's often a knee jerk reaction to our wanting freedom, and it's only brought about because they are threatened by our strength that they do these heinous things, it's their insecurity, their failing. Not ours. Abusers can't win on a fair playing ground, so they have to destroy their opponent to be successful, they have to be top dog.

They have a distorted view of life. It's wrong, it's unfair and it's highly flawed, but it works for them! It grants them the entitlement to demand adoration, subservience and deference in all things at all times. I'm not saying don't call them monsters out of kindness or pity, nor do I think they deserve sympathy, nor god help us, rescuing. THAT is impossible. They are lost causes unless in extremely, extremely rare circumstances.

What I am saying is that if you bought these creatures from PARTNERS 'R' US, you have picked a dud one. The sooner you take it back and get your life back, the better. The receipt is always good, but it just takes longer at Customer Services for your normal life to be resumed.

hangonasec · 28/05/2011 20:27

Thanks AF, am new to this forum! Not fair to ask for advice and not try to give any back :)

Am loving the Partners R Us metaphor, am heading off for a refund myself! x

sassy34264 · 28/05/2011 20:39

Partners R Us- good analogy! Except returning my ex wouldn't have netted me a pound!

AnyFucker · 28/05/2011 20:51

Hisspot, God you are good !

garlicbutter · 28/05/2011 20:53