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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help - think I'm going nuts

67 replies

DottyMonster · 26/05/2011 19:01

Hi. Regular, name changed, etc. Last year, I found out that DP had booked hotel rooms on three occasions, when he was at home those evenings - in other words, looked like they'd been booked for, ahem, daytime activities. These were days when he said he was golfing, and the rooms were all close to the courses.

I confronted him, and he said he'd booked the rooms because he was going to stay over, but because basically I was being 'difficult' he didn't want to suggest it and didn't use them. One room was booked just before midnight the previous night, and could have been cancelled, which it wasn't. So if he was considering staying out, why on earth would I have been less 'difficult' if he'd told me in the morning, rather than just calling to say he was staying out?

Anyway. With a lot of misgivings, I let it go. Last night I was looking for our gas bill which was in a pile of other bills. And I looked at his credit card statement. Yep, another hotel room booked. In the city we live in. And on the same day, an entry for a restaurant right next to the hotel. Incidentally, the hotel is ONLY a hotel, it doesn't have a bar or restaurant or anything, so the payment could only be for a room (and the cost is right for that). I checked the date, and I know he was home that evening for dinner and stayed in. He was away with work last night, and I rang him and asked him about it. He says he never booked the room, someone else must have booked it!

In which case - they'd have to have his card. He would have told me at the time if he'd lost it. Or they booked online. But then also had his card to pay for a meal. And he has transactions either side of these two which are definitely his. So that doesn't add up. He insisted he hadn't booked it. I've told him I want to see 100% concrete proof from the card co and the hotel he didn't book the room.

He's due back later tonight, and I'm pretty certain he's going to stick to this nonsense. I obviously don't believe him. I need a bit of hand holding, and if anyone has any suggestions about how I can find out for definite if he booked and used the room, let me know. I'm going to be sorting DC out, over the next hour or so, so may not respond straight away, but TIA.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 26/05/2011 19:06

oh no,sorry,but i think it speaks for itself!!

look at computer history,dig,dig,dig.....

chris123456 · 26/05/2011 19:12

Surely you can tell if he is lying - ask him face to face

AKissIsNotAContract · 26/05/2011 19:15

Sorry but if this has now happened 4 times (that you are aware of) there is no chance that he didn't book the rooms. I don't think you need any more proof.

Sorry you are going through this but he obviously thought he'd got away with it last year and carried on.

Hopefully WWIFN will post, her advice is always brilliant.

argh555 · 26/05/2011 19:18

You seem to be staying in the relationship despite fairly damning evidence that he is having an affair of some sort - it must be giving you something to make you stay, security? Passion? stability? I think you need to find out what he is giving you that makes it so hard to leave and either look to yourself or friends/family to give you it instead. That way you would be able to leave knowing that you can cope on your own? Try a sit down talk with him and tell him to cut the nonsense or you will be leaving. He's getting away with it all by wriggling and blaming you. If he won't even admit it, he has no intention of changing. save yourself!

garlicbutter · 26/05/2011 19:30

Are there any other credit card entries that don't make sense? Tech support, car repairs or similar that weren't actually needed? Escort agencies often show up under that kind of disguise. Or any unusual cash withdrawals on hotel days, or just before?

I'm afraid it's obvious what's happening but, as you're having trouble sticking to your guns, a little more evidence might give you the oomph you need. You can always snoop his emails, phone, etc, of course, and even hire a PI.

Sorry you're going through this. It's horrible. Do talk to some real-life friends if you can. x

HerHissyness · 26/05/2011 19:37

All well and good, but the hotel booked with a meal too when he was WITH you? that is plain ODD. Is he lending the card to someone else having an affair?

FGS it could be prostitutes, it could be an OW, could be anything. Don't let him near you until you have the truth.

Could you call the restaurant as a secretary and ask for a copy of the food bill? that'll give you time, number of people....

I think the best thing is to pack him a bag, and tell him that while there may be a plausible explanation for this, he will need to leave until he can prove to you his innocence beyond all shadow of a doubt.

mrscynical · 26/05/2011 19:38

Sounds like he's been on one of those adult-married-sex-only dating sites to me. Apparently they often want daytime sex as it is less likely to be discovered than staying out late or overnight.

Suggest calling the police as his card has 'obviously' been cloned.

I remember a guy telling me that if you are ever caught out you must always deny, deny, deny and then deny some more.

I am sorry. It does not look good to me.

Original poster
DottyMonster · 26/05/2011 19:39

Thanks all. I have spoken to RL friends, but now that face to face confrontation time is looming I'm wobbling a bit. Not that I'll believe anything he says, unless he can prove that room wasn't booked or used - fairly easy to challenge it with the card company I'd have thought.

Argh555, I wanted to believe him last year I suppose. I know I can cope on my own. But who wants to think their partner finds them so unattractive/dull/whatever that they have to go somewhere else?

garlicbutter I did wonder about escort agencies, but I couldn't see any other unusual card entries.

TBH, I know he's lying. I want to know why. I haven't decided if there's anything left in this relationship to save. If he 'fessed up, I think at least that would be a starting point. If he sticks to this stupid lie, no way.

Oh, he's a professional actor incidentally, so he lies for a living, and he's bloody good at it! He's so convincing, that I know he'll have me doubting myself - and I'm honestly not that kind of person.

OP posts:
Original poster
DottyMonster · 26/05/2011 19:46

HerHissyness - I don't know what time the transactions were made, just the date, so the restaurant could have been for lunch. I do have a suspicion about who the OW could be (also married), and I have also wondered about prostitutes/escorts or the sex only sites.

Thanks - you're all helping me stick to my guns on this. I knew I wasn't going nuts!

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 26/05/2011 19:49

he's a professional actor
Dammit! That doesn't help you, does it?!

Please believe me, cheating doesn't men you're not enough except in the sense that you're only one partner. There's a possibility that he's gay, bi, has a freaky fetish or something - but by far the most prevalent reason for infidelity is variety! Bloody weird, considering how many people cheat with partners who are just like the one at home, but there you go.

SGB says that few people are naturally monogamous. I think she's got a point. As far as your own question (why?) goes - it's got nothing to do with how attractive, exciting, etc you are. It's just because it's someone else :(

Sapphirefling · 26/05/2011 19:51

Stop right there - YOU are not unnattractive or dull or any of the other excuses he may have sold himself IF he has been unfaithful. That is the first and main thing to remember. YOU haven't made him behave in any way - HE is a grown man and has made his own choices.
Keep posting here - from what you have said I'm 100% certain that he HAS cheated but it is YOU who needed the truth so that you can take control of your future. Stay strong OP - there are so many people here whose lives have been devastated by infidelity but who have put the pieces back together and who have come (or are coming) out the other side.

garlicbutter · 26/05/2011 19:56

Hissy's advice is good imo. The burden of proof isn't on you, a relationship isn't a court of law.

Original poster
DottyMonster · 26/05/2011 19:57

garlicbutter and Sapphirefling - I don't believe I'm unattractive or dull - I think he now finds me so. Although I know what you mean when you mention 'variety' - and sometimes I think people cheat just because they can.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/05/2011 20:10

Call the police over the "credit card fraud"

see what he does

NotYourPrincess · 26/05/2011 20:13

Second AF. No matter how good he is at lying, surely he'd have at least a tiny problem lying to the police?

I think I'd be going apeshit.

Yousay you have an inkling who the OW might be, if there is one - why is that?

maras2 · 26/05/2011 20:52

A.F. You rock.OP take notice of her as she's usually right, as far as cheating blokes go. Mx.

FabbyChic · 26/05/2011 21:21

I don't think it is with prostitutes, more than likely an affair.

I second AF, tell him if he never used the card to call the police and report the credit card fraud, after he should call the credit card company with his crime reference number.

Tell him that if he doesn't do that to fuck off until he comes clean.

Do you have access to his mobile phone bills?

HerHissyness · 26/05/2011 21:56

What THEY said ^^^ All of them!

babyhammock · 26/05/2011 22:04

Not only is he clearly up to something he's also treating you like an idiot. What a tosser...

As for thinking that he finds you unattractive or dull... I wonder how unattractive and dull he'd find you with your backside halfway out the door leaving him.

So sorry this is happening to you x

dontdillydally · 26/05/2011 22:47

Hang on a minute everyone...if said husband was having an affair, seeing escorts, prostitutes etc... surely, surely he wouldnt leave credit card, bank statements casually lying around?????

AnyFucker · 26/05/2011 22:59

DDD, some men really are that thick, believe me

they don't think their wives have a brain in their head

dontdillydally · 26/05/2011 23:01

yes but she saw some statements last year surely it would of shocked him into being more cautious?

dontdillydally · 26/05/2011 23:01

dont think we will hear back tonight do you?

AnyFucker · 26/05/2011 23:02

I don't know. Hope OP is ok.

dontdillydally · 26/05/2011 23:05

yes me too, have read alot of posts on here but really feel for OP