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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help - think I'm going nuts

67 replies

DottyMonster · 26/05/2011 19:01

Hi. Regular, name changed, etc. Last year, I found out that DP had booked hotel rooms on three occasions, when he was at home those evenings - in other words, looked like they'd been booked for, ahem, daytime activities. These were days when he said he was golfing, and the rooms were all close to the courses.

I confronted him, and he said he'd booked the rooms because he was going to stay over, but because basically I was being 'difficult' he didn't want to suggest it and didn't use them. One room was booked just before midnight the previous night, and could have been cancelled, which it wasn't. So if he was considering staying out, why on earth would I have been less 'difficult' if he'd told me in the morning, rather than just calling to say he was staying out?

Anyway. With a lot of misgivings, I let it go. Last night I was looking for our gas bill which was in a pile of other bills. And I looked at his credit card statement. Yep, another hotel room booked. In the city we live in. And on the same day, an entry for a restaurant right next to the hotel. Incidentally, the hotel is ONLY a hotel, it doesn't have a bar or restaurant or anything, so the payment could only be for a room (and the cost is right for that). I checked the date, and I know he was home that evening for dinner and stayed in. He was away with work last night, and I rang him and asked him about it. He says he never booked the room, someone else must have booked it!

In which case - they'd have to have his card. He would have told me at the time if he'd lost it. Or they booked online. But then also had his card to pay for a meal. And he has transactions either side of these two which are definitely his. So that doesn't add up. He insisted he hadn't booked it. I've told him I want to see 100% concrete proof from the card co and the hotel he didn't book the room.

He's due back later tonight, and I'm pretty certain he's going to stick to this nonsense. I obviously don't believe him. I need a bit of hand holding, and if anyone has any suggestions about how I can find out for definite if he booked and used the room, let me know. I'm going to be sorting DC out, over the next hour or so, so may not respond straight away, but TIA.

OP posts:

garlicbutter · 26/05/2011 23:18

dilly - if you're ever unfortunate enough to need to talk to PIs or relationship experts, you will find that (male) cheaters rarely cover their tracks properly. The most galling thing about it is that they don't bother because it honestly doesn't cross their mind they're risking their home relationship! They kind of think of us as reliable fixtures

Well, that's not how a relationship expert would put it ... but, boiled down, it means they're taking advantage of the fact that we love & trust them. If more cheaters understood this, they'd think harder before going for it. Or, at least, would work harder at making sure we never found out.

Original poster

DottyMonster · 27/05/2011 07:39

Hi, sorry I disappeared last night - he turned up a lot earlier than expected. Confessed. I don't know what happens next. Thank you for your replies last night. Have to go now - work and nursery. Thanks again x

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/05/2011 07:44

Oh dear. Confessed what ?

Hope you are ok x

CamperFan · 27/05/2011 08:15

Oh no, I was really hoping for a simple explanation. I hope you get some good support to deal with this.

perfectstorm · 27/05/2011 08:15

Just wanted to send sympathy and say I hope you're doing okay.

garlicbutter · 27/05/2011 13:32

Well, it's good to know you weren't going mad! You must be shocked. I hope you're okay and feel supported. x

HerHissyness · 27/05/2011 15:24

Ooooh Dotty YOU TEASE!!!!

Get your behind back here NOW and fill us in?

HerHissyness · 27/05/2011 15:24

Seriously chuck, you know where we are, we'll help you through this, whatever it is...

((((hugs))))

Original poster

DottyMonster · 27/05/2011 19:13

Hey there. Thanks for the messages. Confessed that he has been a lying cheating piece of shit. If I had to decide right now if we were staying together the answer would be no. HerHissyness - you actually have made me smile for the first time since Wednesday. I don't know if I can forgive him, which I have to do if we are going to stay today. He of course is promising anything and everything. All I can think is it's a bit late now.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/05/2011 19:26

Original poster

DottyMonster · 27/05/2011 19:50

Together, not today. I can't bring myself to look at him. Have barely slept or eaten, so not exactly at my best. I have RL friends and support, and my gorgeous DS.

OP posts:

freeandhappy · 27/05/2011 20:12

O god. Maybe he'll mind the kids and you can go over to a friends or parents house. Get a chance to catch your breath. Hope you are ok.

HerHissyness · 27/05/2011 20:50

I'm glad you smiled, you will smile again too! sometimes in the deepest of darkest moments, we can still laugh at silly things, it's good for us!

Love, right now this is ALL about YOU, what you need, what you want and how YOU feel. Not him. It actually doesn't matter what he has or has done, with whom, when, where etc. That is immaterial, all of it.

What has happened is that you have been badly let down, betrayed and disrespected, in time the anger will come, but for now you are most likely to be in shock, scared to breathe and not believing anything your eyes, ears and heart are telling you.

If you feel that a time of quiet reflection is what's needed, a gathering to your bosom of your nearest and dearest, those that are friends and family, those you trust, then do it. Ask, no TELL MrLoverLover to leave so you may think about what YOU want to do next. Then do exactly that.

When you are strong enough, doubtless you will want to know the details, and I dare say he may tell you some, but of course may not tell you everything.

For now, be kind to yourself, love yourself and know that this is not about you. It's him that has failed you. He had a choice, he took the wrong one.

Thinking of you Dotty (((hugs)))

indecisiveforever · 27/05/2011 21:20

Hey Dotty, that is shit. I know just how you feel, my DH had an affair 2 years ago while I was preggers. I forgave him as was hormonal etc with a 2 week old baby when I found out. However, now, I am not so sure I made the right decision.
I hope you are ok

dontdillydally · 27/05/2011 22:37

Dotty - Im so very sorry for you, I just find it so hard to believe that he was so matter of fact leaving statements/evidence for you to find.

I think as well as the "affair" its the bare face lying that hurts.

hugs to you

garlicbutter · 27/05/2011 23:52

What Hissy said. As far as you can, focus ENTIRELY on yourself now. Remember to eat (a diet of pure chocolate is OK now, if that's what you can manage!) because emotional energy does use up a lot of sustenance. Drink enough liquids, preferably some non-alcoholic! And lean on your friends.

You will get through this, and start figuring out what to do next. For now, just love yourself. Thinking of you.

perfectstorm · 28/05/2011 00:06

I'm so sorry. My immediate reaction is to hope his narcissistic entitled cock is in some sort of agonisingly painful and exceedingly slow accident - you know, crushed slowly in some heavy machinery or something. My more measured response is to tell you to look after yourself and to take all the time you need before making choices.

This hurts like hell, always, but you WILL get through it.

I'm so very sorry.

Original poster

DottyMonster · 28/05/2011 15:00

I'm still here and still reading your posts. I'm already at the angry angry stage. I'm pissed off with him, because all the things I've been asking him to do for months to make our relationship better, are suddenly all going to happen. But if I hadn't found out what a lying cheating shit he is, then we'd still be going on as before IYSWIM. I never thought we had a perfect relationship, but I expected him not to betray me, and I can't believe he thought I wouldn't find out.

I can begin to work through it in my head - if we can get through this, if it gets better - and I then I remember he's shagged some other woman, and not because he's even having a relationship with her, just because she was there, like a slightly more exciting wank. And at that point I can't bear him around, can't bear to think of him touching me, being near me and DS, and can't see how we can ever have a future together. Even if I can forgive him, I'm never going to forget am I? I'm so angry with him and about the stupidity of what he's done.

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 28/05/2011 15:07

Have you contacted Relate? NOT for couple's counselling at this stage - not at all - but so YOU can talk this through with someoen trained in dealing with the emotions around relationship problems.

Marriages can survive affairs, and even be stronger, but it depends hugely on how the person who had the affair handles it. I don't think at this stage you can know that - he'll promise the moon on a stick; it's whether he actually provides it down the line that counts, isn't it.

There are posters here who are amazing in this situation so I won't clutter the thread with more. I'll just say I am thinking of you and so sorry. Keep being brave, as you are. It'll all come out in the wash.

Original poster

DottyMonster · 28/05/2011 15:30

perfectstorm, have you had Relate counselling? I did think about it - and yes, just for me, not us, certainly not at this stage. You're absolutely right - it's what he does, not what he says. And as I've learned, what he's been saying has certainly not been what he's been doing!

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 28/05/2011 16:04

No, but I know a couple of people who have. One marriage lasted, one didn't. Both said it helped. One of the issues in this kind of situation is that people can be really manipulative (as you depressingly know) and it can help determine which way is up, if that makes sense. A decent counsellor can help spot that if it starts. You did NOT do anything, or conversely not to something. People have affairs because they can. Pretty much that simple, IMO.

People can be really shitty. It remains to be seen whether he has the balls to face up to what he's done and seek to address some of that damage. I really hope he has and he does. Whatever happens, hold you head up. You aren't the cheating lying arse in the equation.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2011 19:09

actions not words

That is the key. You know that though.

indecisiveforever · 28/05/2011 19:50

I agree with both Perfectstorm and AF, its actions that count far more than words. I'm so sorry for you, just remember that you are entitled to take as much time as you need to deal with this. Just deal with each day as it comes and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel, whether that be angry, heartbroken, whatever, as you will no doubt vary between all emotions over the next few days and weeks.

We had one session of Relate, and to be honest she was brilliant, but we thought that we would be ok so didn't go back. Even that one session helped though, I think its just having someone completely unbiased to listen.

Original poster

DottyMonster · 28/05/2011 20:24

I've been reading lots of other threads and links - as always, MN rocks - and I so appreciate everyone taking the time to post on this thread. indecisive, I'm sorry you've been through this too. I can look back at times in our relationship and think 'I should have ended it then' and I want to be sure I don't make that mistake this time - you don't have to answer, but why are you unsure you should have stayed together?

I have had a permanent knot in my stomach since Wednesday. I've managed to eat a little better today. I took DS round to his friend's today, and it was horrible putting a brave face on it all.

We've been together for almost 10 years. He had a bit of a track record before we got together - and I'm no angel, I did too - but he's made me like all the rest now, all that horrid cliched shite has happened.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/05/2011 20:57

stick around, dotty x

you sound like a lovey person, btw x

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