Help - think I'm going nuts

[DottyMonster]

Hi. Regular, name changed, etc. Last year, I found out that DP had booked hotel rooms on three occasions, when he was at home those evenings - in other words, looked like they'd been booked for, ahem, daytime activities. These were days when he said he was golfing, and the rooms were all close to the courses.

I confronted him, and he said he'd booked the rooms because he was going to stay over, but because basically I was being 'difficult' he didn't want to suggest it and didn't use them. One room was booked just before midnight the previous night, and could have been cancelled, which it wasn't. So if he was considering staying out, why on earth would I have been less 'difficult' if he'd told me in the morning, rather than just calling to say he was staying out?

Anyway. With a lot of misgivings, I let it go. Last night I was looking for our gas bill which was in a pile of other bills. And I looked at his credit card statement. Yep, another hotel room booked. In the city we live in. And on the same day, an entry for a restaurant right next to the hotel. Incidentally, the hotel is ONLY a hotel, it doesn't have a bar or restaurant or anything, so the payment could only be for a room (and the cost is right for that). I checked the date, and I know he was home that evening for dinner and stayed in. He was away with work last night, and I rang him and asked him about it. He says he never booked the room, someone else must have booked it!

In which case - they'd have to have his card. He would have told me at the time if he'd lost it. Or they booked online. But then also had his card to pay for a meal. And he has transactions either side of these two which are definitely his. So that doesn't add up. He insisted he hadn't booked it. I've told him I want to see 100% concrete proof from the card co and the hotel he didn't book the room.

He's due back later tonight, and I'm pretty certain he's going to stick to this nonsense. I obviously don't believe him. I need a bit of hand holding, and if anyone has any suggestions about how I can find out for definite if he booked and used the room, let me know. I'm going to be sorting DC out, over the next hour or so, so may not respond straight away, but TIA.

Thanks AF - I will x

We all play the I should have ended it then game, everyone of us that wakes up one day and realises that the man we are with is not on our side, is not the man they appeared to be.

I was so upset by your thread Dotty, I found myself livid for you, and felt a wall of anger build inside me. How could he? WHY? Who the HELL does he think he is? HOW DARE HE?

I know all this and more will run through your head, but remember one thing and one thing only. THIS IS ALL ABOUT HIM. You didn't do this, no matter what far-flung excuse he'll try to use to shift blame or limit his bastardly behaviour.

Remain absolutely rock solid and clear. There was no need for him to do this. NOt a reason, excuse or explanation that can argue away his betrayal of you and his family. Accept nothing from him in the way of his own damage limitation whatsoever, it's his BED that he made. literally.

Hisspot, you rock x

Agree that you sound lovely. And incredibly dignified - more than I was an an ex did this to me (my DH is aces, so there is light at the end of even the worst tunnel!). I was a wibbly mess.

You aren't "like all the rest" after 10 years. And anyway, the rest weren't to blame if he cheated - he was. I bet "the rest" have moved on and met new and lovely people (along with not-so-lovely, to be realistic) too, and he's just an episode, for them. Nobody's a bit-player in their own lives, after all. Don't think that way - don't feel that this humiliated you. It humiliated him - he is the one who risked everything for nothing, because he wasn't strong enough to stay loyal.

Hope you stick around as well. And post whenever you need support. MN can be brutal at time, but it can also be stellar. In situations like this, it's almost always the second.

Herhissyness speaks truth and wisdom.

SO is there an OW in particular, or was your DH seeing prostitutes/ random women/ married affairs people?

You need to know what you are up against, I suspect, and get the truth out of DH...

Good luck.

Dotty: Actions do speak louder than words. Also, we all do the "I should have ended it before". And, most of all, this is not your fault. Listen to the wise posters who said this, they are soooo right.

You all rock! Christ, wtf do I sound like ?

DH has said it was one woman, he met her when he was on tour last year and then she has been here - in our home city - and that's when he hooked up with her again.

I know it's entirely his fault. I'm going to ask to see his card statements etc for this past month when they come in. I need to know that he's been where he said he was when he was out. He's out tonight, and I've checked his internet history for the past month - nothing too suspicious, but I want to make sure. I would also like his FB login - bugger that if you 'forget' the password on FB it resets it instead of sending a reminder, because I can get into his email. Again, nothing too suspicious there at the moment, but he wouldn't leave anything there that was. Agree that MN is a nest of vipers at times, but then something like this happens, and I never fail to be amazed at the support and excellent advice.

I must say, he hasn't (so far) tried to shift the blame, or say that it's anything to do with me/us/home or anything here. I don't think he'd dare to do that tbh, because he knows I'm ready to call it a day - he literally pleaded with me to think about it all and take some time.

perfectstorm, I am a wibbly mess inside, and I certainly wasn't dignified when he came clean!

God, you poor thing! Good on you for staying strong!

Where has he gone to tonight, FGS though, shouldn't he be at home trying to sort things out??

Teachermumof3 - he's working, and he'll be back soon. Which is good, cos I can mn tonight.

Hope you have an okay Sunday, Dotty. Thinking of you.

Yeah, me too Dotty, thinking of you.

Thanks perfectstorm and HerHissyness. Feeling ok ish today. As I said, lots more questions he needs to answer before I can even begin to consider what's next.

Take your time Dotty, you call the shots now, remember? ((((HUGS))))

Hi Dotty, sorry its taken me so long to reply. In answer to your earlier question, I am unsure because it fundamentally changed the way I feel about him. When we met it was the romance that I fell for, he was very loving, always telling me and showing me that he loved me. Unfortunately now I now longer believe it when he does this, as he did it for 9 years and still had a 6 month affair, so how the hell can I possibly believe it? I question whether he has done it before, because had I not found out he would never have admitted it.

Also like I say, it was never a huge passionate thing but a deep connection (or so I thought), and I overlooked all the little niggles that everyone has because I used to think oh well, he's crap at DIY but at least he's good to me and not a cheat. Now I think, yeah but he is a cheat isn't he? So all the little niggles now piss me right off!

I care about him a great deal, and would have been happy for that to remain the way it is, because I believed in my marriage. But my marriage is not what I thought it was. And I know I could still meet someone else, and maybe have that passion that is clearly lacking in our marriage - he obviously was looking for it elsewhere and I feel like I could do the same were it not for the fact that I would never do to him what he has done to me as I know how much it hurts.

It may be that you can restore your marriage better than I could, all marriages are different and I'm sure plenty recover and become stronger after an affair. Whatever happens I wish you all the luck in the world.

indecisiveforever, thank you, I absolutely understand what you're saying. Right now, I can't believe that marriages are stronger afterwards. Yesterday wasn't so bad, but I've been eaten up by it today. Added to which, I'm not sure that he's telling me everything. I don't know whether this is because there is nothing left to tell, and I just don't believe him anymore; or there is something and either he doesn't want to or won't tell me. Whatever, I just have a horrible horrible sick feeling all the time. Trying to keep it all together for DS and to get through work (which typically, has just gone totally manic, so I've got to be there and give it 100%) is proving very difficult - I looked at myself in the mirror today and despaired! I look awful. I know that my lovely colleagues know there's something up too - I am usually totally on the ball and don't look quite so rough as this - but I just can't tell them.

Not quite sure where I'm going with this post any more, so will stop for now. I'm going to see some old chums tonight - one of them knows, but the rest don't, so that's going to be a mixed old evening.