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Original poster

do we tell our friend her husband is cheating?

65 replies

GaribaldiGirl · 24/05/2011 22:33

my friend and i have just discovered that the husband of one of our closest friends has been having an affair for 3 years. should we tell her or keep quiet? has anyone experienced this situation and what did they do? we are inclined to keep quiet about about it, but somehow it feels disloyal and dishonest.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 24/05/2011 22:37

Oh what an awful situation to be in.

I think given the length of time, you have no option but to tell her. She doesn't know her own history, she doesn't know her husband. The poor woman.

I find it hard to believe she wouldn't have felt something was odd in the relationship. You might find that this explains a hell of a lot.

How did you find out and how do you know it's gone on for so long?

In the end, you are her friend, which means you owe it to her to be truthful and let her make a decision armed with all the facts. God knows he hasn't been much of a husband to her; she needs all the friends she can get.

meltedchocolate · 24/05/2011 22:39

I would want to know. I also know from experience it is a horrible burden to know of an affair but not say anything about it.

SherlockHolmes · 24/05/2011 22:40

I would talk to her husband, and tell him that you know. Say that you will give him x amount of time to come clean, or you will tell her yourself. He will probably wimp out and let you tell her anyway, but I think it's best to approach him first. Who knows, it may bring him to his senses and he will finish the affair.

bejeezus · 24/05/2011 22:41

i would want you to tell me
would you want her to tell you, if the situation was reversed?

BooyHoo · 24/05/2011 22:43

my best friend would tell me and i would tell her.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 24/05/2011 22:46

Are you absolutely sure that its true? That should be your first consideration. If it's just a rumour you heard, then keep your beaks out. Otherwise, if this is your friend, think about how she is likely to react and what she is likely to want. Never mind what you would want in her position, it's not about you. If you think that she really would want to know, then think about telling her but be prepared for her to become angry with you and refuse to believe you.

Ruprekt · 24/05/2011 22:47

My Gran went through this many years ago and EVERYONE in the village knew apart from her.

The fallout when she did find out was horrific apparantly.

I would want to know but be prepared for the fact that she might not thank you for telling her.

FabbyChic · 24/05/2011 23:05

If you are 110% sure of the facts then yes you do, because she deserves to know that the person she shares her bed with and sleeps with, is sleeping with someone else, when she gives him oral sex she is giving oral sex to a cock that has been in someone else other than her.

DO YOU TELL HER? of COURSE YOU do if you are certain/positive and there is no room for doubt.

AnyFucker · 24/05/2011 23:13

you are close friends with her ?

if you are 100 or even 90% sure, you tell her

no doubt in my mind, at all

APieOfButter · 24/05/2011 23:17

Yep, tell her.

Even if they have an open relationship or suchlike, she will not be affected, and if they don't (which is more likely) then she knows.

Make sure to tell her you will not judge her whatever she decides to do, and you will support her no matter what. But she needs to know.

RudeEnglishLady · 24/05/2011 23:19

If you have reasonable evidence then I say do it.

If I found out my mates did not tell me this then I would be absolutely hopping because its a double betrayal. I'd probably be tricky to deal with but nothing like how I would be if everyone had deceived me.

APieOfButter · 24/05/2011 23:19

If I was you, I would frame it in terms of telling her what evidence you have, rather than just "he is having an affair". EG, sit her down, tell her you have something to tell her, you have worried about telling her but think she should know. Then just say "we saw him kissing another woman" or "we heard from x friend that he has been seeing someone else" or whatever, and see how she feels. She might choose to ignore the evidence for a while, but she will need a friend.

garlicbutter · 25/05/2011 00:41

Your question always divides posters down the middle! I vote for telling her - I've been the one they didn't tell, and it adds to the pain, plus I was the one to tell a friend and she was appreciative. (Devastated, but appreciative.) One crucial factor was that I had enough information she could check - which she did, then cancelled the wedding.

carantala · 25/05/2011 01:05

I wish that someone had told me about my cheating husband! Classically, I was the last one to know despite all my suspicions - I was a very stupid woman to believe the lame excuses! Divorced now and years and years and YEARS later, people in my village are all telling me what he was like and that I'm better off without him! Had several kids by the w**r!!

ohmyfucksy · 25/05/2011 01:11

How do you know he is having an affair and how do you know exactly how long it has been going on for?

If I had definite evidence and the wife was my best friend I would tell

Bast · 25/05/2011 04:03

You are 'inclined to keep quiet about it'. Why?

A small part of me will never forgive a particular friend that didn't tell me what she knew, because the consequences of not knowing sooner than I did were quite devastating.

It also would have been a more gentle way of finding out than how it eventually did happen.

Doesn't this woman deserve to be able to trust at least some of her nearest and dearest?

Tell her, she needs to go to a GUM clinic asap.

Rhinestone · 25/05/2011 04:07

Yes, tell her. However would you be more comfortable doing it anonymously?

FabbyChic - a rather vulgar post if you don't mind me saying.

Bast · 25/05/2011 04:11

If you tell her, please don't do it anonymously! Sorry Rhinestone but I can't think of anything worse in that situation.

nothingnatural · 25/05/2011 04:22

I think apieofbutter has the right approach. You need to be kind to this woman whose whole life is going to change after she hears your news, and apieofbutters way seems to be the kindest thing.

A very shitty situation though. Shitty shitty husband.

CheerfulYank · 25/05/2011 04:25

The second I knew of this in regards to a friend of mine I'd be dialing the phone.

Yes, she needs to know! I was just reading an article the other day about the rate of STDs (including HIV/AIDS) climbing in middle-aged women because their husbands can't keep it in their pants. Once the "d" h's start effing around they can't come home to someone they've been married to for a decade or two and say "how about we use condoms now?", so their wives are getting ill and in some cases dying. SHE NEEDS TO KNOW.

CheerfulYank · 25/05/2011 04:26

I actually had a dream once where I saw my best friend's husband with another woman...in the dream I was beating him around the head with my purse with one hand and dialing her number with the other. :o

Original poster
GaribaldiGirl · 25/05/2011 07:30

thank you so much for all the support. i thought you'd all say not to tell her. but i agree with all of you about telling her. there is no doubt that the affair is real. the woman he is having the affair with has told her husband and he has admitted it himself to another husband. i am scared she will find out anyway and it's probably better to be told by a friend. the idea of talking to her husband first is a good one, will consider that. i suppose ultimately i want them to save their marriage because they have children. she shows no sign of knowing but she is quite a private person and maybe she would bottle any suspicions.
what i'd really like to do is beat her husband and the other woman (who i also know) around the head with a cricket bat.

OP posts:
zikes · 25/05/2011 08:53

If so many people know, the chances are it will come out and maybe from someone with no care for your friend. I think it'd be better coming from someone who supports her.

Is it possible she knows and has closed her eyes to it, or that it has been agreed between the two of them, 'though?

Original poster
GaribaldiGirl · 25/05/2011 09:06

i doubt she knows, i really do. i suspect she thinks something is not right but wouldn't guess it was this.
it's so hard because she is full of life and fun and i just know she will want to crawl into a hole and die. have no idea if she'll forgive him. but i keep thinking that if she knows it puts her in the control seat and not the other woman.

OP posts:
tadpoles · 25/05/2011 09:17

Unless you have been in the bedroom with her husband and the other woman you do not know 110% what has gone on between them - you are basing your assumptions on rumours. The best person to tell her would be her husband, if anyone does. But I still don't think it is anyone's business and you are making comments about 'saving her marriage' which smacks of meddling. The 'affair' - if indeed it is - could very easily fizzle out. Why throw in a stick of dynamite? Perhaps she suspects and is trying to retain her dignity. Who knows? The only person I would want telling me about an affair would be my husband. Anyway else, I would suspect their motives - it would be about them and not me. Also, I would consider it quite arrogant of someone to assume that they knew about someone else's sexual practices. Not everyone who is married is monogamous and there is no law that they have to be either!