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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

do we tell our friend her husband is cheating?

65 replies

GaribaldiGirl · 24/05/2011 22:33

my friend and i have just discovered that the husband of one of our closest friends has been having an affair for 3 years. should we tell her or keep quiet? has anyone experienced this situation and what did they do? we are inclined to keep quiet about about it, but somehow it feels disloyal and dishonest.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 25/05/2011 17:30

Garibaldi - I agree that you should tell her. Decide between yourselves which of you will speak to her, it will be embarasing enough for her as it is without having to face you both (why the cheated on one always ends up being embarrased I'm not sure, maybe we feel like if only we were good enough/sexy enough/whatever enough it wouldn't happen so it's our fault?!).

If it is all about to come out anyway you could stand back and see what happens, but that's pretty shit. She deserves to know, to be in control of what happens next and she needs friends who can honestly say they told her as soon as they knew - it is humiliating finding out other people knew and didn't tell you.

ChippingIn · 25/05/2011 17:32

As it has been going on for three years, I think I'd start with 'You may already know this and I don't want to make you feel you have to take any particular line of action, I'll be here to support you no matter what you decide to do but .....'

mathanxiety · 25/05/2011 17:59

Having been 'the last one to know' I can attest to the devastating effect of knowing others said nothing when they could have and in my opinion should have. The people who knew in my case were my exILs (and of course my exH). At the very least I should have been given a heads up for health reasons, and so that I didn't bring another baby into the mess that was about to unfold when exH eventually made a confession himself. This is about to hit the fan and I would sit down with your friend and tell her, and promise all of your love and support. She will feel humiliated and will wonder what kept you from telling her. ChippingIn's script sounds really appropriate.

Original poster

GaribaldiGirl · 25/05/2011 19:17

thanks everyone, this is really useful. i know we need to reflect as several of you have suggested and not rush in. it might blow over, he might learn the error of his ways, we're meddling if we tell her. but i keep getting back to most people's opinion that they would want to know and would expect their friends to tell them. really difficult. not rushing into it! it's really hard to see a good friend being treated like this.

OP posts:

strawberryjelly · 25/05/2011 19:35

If this person is a good friend, do you not already talk about relationships? When I think of my close friends, we have conversations all the time about these kinds of topics.

Have you got no inkling what her reaction might be?

Has she never spoken about her DH and their relationship?

Original poster

GaribaldiGirl · 25/05/2011 20:03

strawberryjelly - yes we talk lots, we're a really tight knit group of friends and see each other all the time. she is quite traditional. there is no way she would tolerate his behaviour, she hates infidelity and she would be absolutely devastated. but she loves him i'm sure and i'd like to think they could sort it out between them. but then you never know 100% what goes on behind closed doors i suppose.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 25/05/2011 20:07

If you hear your friend gushing on about her hubby/things they did together/her normal life, clearly living in a fool's paradise, it's hard to open your mouth and say "Well actually..." when you're sitting right there together. It takes a plan, almost an intervention. You have to start the conversation yourself and make it clear that there's news to be told.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 25/05/2011 20:16

I would tell her, but like others have suggested I wouldn't present it as fact - just give her the evidence you have and what you have heard. I would also tell her that you have no expectation that she will do anything about the information, because it is her prerogative to take what action she sees fit. I would also reassure her that you won't be telling anyone else about this, or letting people know that you have talked to her. And stick to that confidentiality. If you can be sure your friend will make and keep the same promises, it will possibly be easier if you go to her with your mutual friend.

This gives her thinking time and the information with which to make her own decisions. At the moment, it sounds like she is being deceived and therefore she is having her choices in life denied. That is a wholly unfair position for someone to be in and as a friend, I would imagine you want to give her back those choices.

TyNobdieJigz · 25/05/2011 20:18

yes tell her

PfftTheMagicDragon · 25/05/2011 20:20

I would tell her.

Dozer · 25/05/2011 20:41

I would tell her. If dh had an affair and it came out and I found out close friends knew but hadn't told me I'd be angry with them.

mumthetaxi · 25/05/2011 20:59

Hello ladies! It is the hardest thing a friend will ever have to do for a friend she truly cares about. But she deserves the truth. I know because just recently I was told what my husband was doing behind my back. Well actually he had to tell me because a well-wisher shall we say, told him either to tell me or he/she would. The identity of my friend has never been revealed and it was a terrible shock but I will always be eternally grateful for someone having the guts to give the the truth I deserve to have. I have three children age 9, 12 and 14. He left us and we were all devastated but I love them all dearly and we are doing fine. Everyone is different of course, some people would prefer to live in ignorance but I am not one of them! x

brandnewme · 25/05/2011 21:02

Bloody hell....in my heart I would want to tell her.....but when it came to actually doing it, how the hell do you start a conversation like that? You must be so sure of your facts as you could well be labelled as interfering etc. She may well be extremely mad at you as you are the first to spill the beans and on the otherhand she may already suspect and not want to be faced with the truth. Only you know your friend and how she may react.

I really feel for you - not a situation i'd like to be in at all. Sending lots of best wishes to you and your friend and her kids....

3 years is a long time - can;t see him ending it just cos the wife finds out

mumthetaxi · 25/05/2011 21:57

its such a difficult difficult call. like you say, you have to be absolutely watertight on your facts and be prepared to take the crap if she doesnt appreciate what you are putting forward to her. I dont envy you. but if you hold things back it can ultimately be damaging to a friendship because sooner or later it will come out from somewhere else. x

garlicbutter · 26/05/2011 11:37

I'm sorry this happened to you, mumthetaxi (great name!) Your story is a superb illustration of why it's the right thing to do, and an effective approach to it. Glad to hear you're all doing well.

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