Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

do we tell our friend her husband is cheating?

65 replies

GaribaldiGirl · 24/05/2011 22:33

my friend and i have just discovered that the husband of one of our closest friends has been having an affair for 3 years. should we tell her or keep quiet? has anyone experienced this situation and what did they do? we are inclined to keep quiet about about it, but somehow it feels disloyal and dishonest.

OP posts:

Chandon · 25/05/2011 09:21

tell the husband you know, and that you will tell her. but give him time to tell her himself first.

Bast · 25/05/2011 09:23

Garibaldi, I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. My thoughts are with you and your friend. She sounds lovely.

The only reason affairs exist is deceit and I think the more honesty and openness that can be brought into the equation and the less people are afraid to speak out, that more people will think twice before entering one.

Bast · 25/05/2011 09:29

Tadpoles, Garibaldi's friend may have entered into a non-monogamous agreement with her H. It's most likely, if this is the case, that discretion was also agreed.

If this is the unlikely case, this woman has every right to know that others are aware.

Do you know how it feels to be given an STI by a philandering partner? I do.

'Throw in a stick of dynamite'? Give this woman the opportunity (as is her right) to manage her own sexual health, relationship and family as fully informed as possible of the facts as apparent.

garlicbutter · 25/05/2011 09:34

What I did was very similar to pieofbutter's suggestion. I did the "I hope you won't shoot the messenger" thing, then told her about things we knew that made it pretty clear he was cheating (and stealing from her, in this case). She asked more questions including "Have they had sex?" Of course, I said I hadn't seen them at it but it seemed that way. She went and checked the stuff I told her, then found out some more for herself.

With my cheaters (multiple, I'm afraid), mutual friends did try to alert me but I didn't realise it until later. Hints are no good - when you're with someone, you don't automatically expect to find they're cheating (!) so I took the 'hints' at face value. Unfortunately.

Bast · 25/05/2011 09:40

Tadpoles, I meant to add my condolences...

"...The only person I would want telling me about an affair would be my husband. Anyway else, I would suspect their motives..."

It seems sad that you don't know a single person you feel you can trust

twostraightlines · 25/05/2011 11:20

I'd tell her, in a "look, I have heard this, but don't know how much truth there is in it, but if it were me I'd want to know" kind of way. As you say, it at least gives her the chance to check the info if she really does know nothing, and decide what she wants to do with it.

Telling him what you know gives him plenty of opportunity to cover his tracks before telling her whatever he likes.

Original poster

GaribaldiGirl · 25/05/2011 11:31

tadpoles - it isn't rumours. the other woman is separating from her husband and has told him everything. i see your point re 'stick of dynamite' and i agree it would all be better coming from her husband, particularly if it means he will end the affair in order to keep her. maybe if he knows we know about it he can be persuaded. if he will tell her. big if.

OP posts:

schmarn · 25/05/2011 11:41

You absolutely should tell her (and I say this as a bloke). While it would be nice to tell her husband to tell her, that is asking a lot of you and your relationship is with her not him. Also, if he is an arch manipulator, he may use the time you give him to cover his tracks and hide evidence. For that reason I would say speak to your friend and give her all the evidence she needs to satisfy herself that this is all true. It is important to remember that every fibre of her being will want to believe that what you say is not true but in the long term she will thank you for it.

Original poster

GaribaldiGirl · 25/05/2011 11:45

thanks schmarn. i don't think her husband is a bad person - he is either weak in the face of a persistent sexy woman or not happy in his marriage. maybe a bit of both. would still like to cut his balls off though!

OP posts:

zikes · 25/05/2011 11:56

I think (assuming no open relationship with his wife) to have kept up a three year affair with another woman, he is very deceptive, and you may not know the real him at all. I wouldn't give him the chance to make up some story about you being a trouble-maker or having made a play for him or something, if you tell him you know in order to get him to confess. You could end up the villain in this piece.

mrsbiscuits · 25/05/2011 12:14

What Chandon said. x

mimiholls · 25/05/2011 12:25

'Somehow it feels disloyal and dishonest'??! That's because it is!
Tell her! At the very least, tell him you will tell her if he doesn't.
There is no debate here.

whatsallthehullaballoo · 25/05/2011 12:40

You MUST tell her. She deserves to know. She needs to know.

abedelia · 25/05/2011 13:10

I have always been of the opinion to tell him you know and make sure he tells her... but with a bit of thought recently and digesting the views of several people on here I have changed my mind. He is obviously a weak, manipulative and dishonest man. If you give him a chance to tell her then it also gives him a chance to cover his tracks and tell her the very minimum. Knowing as much as possible as soon as possible is the best way - drip feeding information by searching yourself or having other people come forward to tell stuff, just when you think you know it all and have a handle on what's been concealed from you makes things ten times worse.

PS - whoever said a certain post was crude - well, that's the reality. Hence the need to put a stop to it. Rates of oral cancer are rocketing currently, not to mention all the rest of the STD back catalogue. Don't let your mate's vile husband play russian roulette with her health, not if you value her.

oldwomaninashoe · 25/05/2011 14:51

You say you and another friend know, I think it would be a good idea if you could both tell her, she is likely to receive the news better with the fact that two people are telling her this and not suspect your motives.
The affair has gone on too long you must tell her toallow her to gather her thoughts and regain some dignity from the inevitable fallout that will follow.

let us know how you get on

strawberryjelly · 25/05/2011 15:18

What if this affair- if it exists- were to end of its own accord in say a week, or a month's time?

If , once it had ended, the wife were never ever to find out.

would you not want to have avoided creating pain for her?

If i were you I would be more canny; I think I might bring up the topic off affairs- therea re plenty in the news at the oment. You could say how you would fee if you were cheated on and whether you would want the world to knwo via twitter- or maybe you would prefer not to know.

That would give her the chance to say what she thinks if it were her.

I do not generally think that anyone should interfere in anyone else's marriages no matter how much they know. Is it not better to wait with the tissues until- or if ever- she finds out, or it is over and she never found out.

zikes · 25/05/2011 15:27

Strawberry, your scenario seems unlikely, considering the OW is separating from her dh and has admitted the affair, plus the man has admitted it to someone else, the chances seem quite high that the affair will become public knowledge soon.

Better a friend tells her than the OW or her dh, or someone else with an axe to grind, I'd have thought.

strawberryjelly · 25/05/2011 15:41

I still think it is better to bring up the topic in general and give her the chance to say she suspects something. Just because she has not said anything does not mean she may not be worried.

Alternatively, I would speak to the DH- you don't have to say that you will tell, just that it is common knowledge. The ball is then in his court and he will either end it or tell all. Sometimes the fear of someone telling is enough to make people change- it gives him the chance to tell her himself, as I do beleive the messenger wi ll not be popular and you migh t lose your friendship.

maypole1 · 25/05/2011 16:07

the only thing i would say your gonna look pretty silly if she takes no action once you tell her or if she reviles it was you who told then stays with him

the only way i would tell if your sure she would leave because if your not i not sure would be the point is their no way you can get her to find out under her own steam

my mates sisters guy was sleeping around she found out because the girl worked across the road from her and he was meeting her for lunch every day my mate waited till she was sure then just arranged her sister to meet her for lunch and while she was waiting for my mate the sister saw him when she rang him to ask him were he was he lied not knowing she could see him then she knew something was going on with out my mate having to say a word

caramelwaffle · 25/05/2011 16:14

If the relationship has been ongoing for three years and the woman has recently left her husband, it is highly probable that this husband will decide soon to leave his wife: better to give your friend advanced notice.

If can lie, deceive and manipulate for three years he will have no qualms about shafting her in a separation/divorce.

Whomever said that both of you (friends) should tell her together is spot on; alone, you could be presented as jealous, stalking woman who wants him for herself. Cover yourself (and your reputation)

Flisspaps · 25/05/2011 16:24

i don't think her husband is a bad person - he is either weak in the face of a persistent sexy woman

Why is it the woman who is persistent? He should keep it in his pants regardless. What, if it wasn't for these pesky sexy women, men wouldn't cheat?

Bollocks.

Cheating on your husband or wife - lying to them and putting their sexual health at risk - does make you a bad person imo.

NorthernerAtHeart · 25/05/2011 16:30

You MUST tell her.
It has been 3 YEARS!!!!

If your friend was me, I would want you to tell me asap (when kids not around), help me 'discover' what was going on/find my own evidence and support me in the fall out, or whatever decision I make.

tadpoles · 25/05/2011 17:15

Okay 'the woman has separated and has told her husband everything'. Huh? Unless you were in the room at the time of the discussion, I assume this is third hand information, at the very least.

I make it a cardinal rule to never, ever, get involved in other people's relationships as I consider it is not my business. However, if asked directly, I will answer as honestly as I can. That's just me. I don't think any good ever comes out of getting involved in other people's private lives.

At the very most I suppose you could initiate a conversation about fidelity and see where she stands on this and whether it is something she wants to talk about. I would step very carefully where the stakes are high and there are potentially very strong emotions at play and children involved.

tadpoles · 25/05/2011 17:19

Bast - thank you for your words of sympathy, lol!!! I have some lovely close friends but even they wouldn't start sticking their noses in my private life, thank you very much. They have more than enough stuff of their own to deal with in any case and sadly my private life is quite boring at the moment so unlikely to interest many people. That could change though! :)

strawberryjelly · 25/05/2011 17:20

can i add something here?

My parents once discovered that my uncle was having 2 affairs at once. His wife did not know. They never told her. He died very young- heart attack- and my parents covered his tracks, destroying love letters, phoning one of the OW who lived overseas to tell her of his death etc etc.

as far as i know, my aunt never knew- or if she did, my parents never told her. In their hearts they were doing the right thing.

I agree with tadpole interferring can really make the shit hit the fan.

Flip

1 2 3