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Original poster

Am I been taken advantage of?

66 replies

goddess72 · 24/05/2011 20:15

I have just moved to be closer to my bf and other reasons too, but he has his own house not far from here, but since I moved here he's pretty much lives here. The plan is he sells his house, it is up for sale but as yet not sold, so he still has to pay mortgage on his own house, but he lives here and I am otherwise a single parent trying to survive here, should I be expecting him to pay something, he pretty much pays for his own food, but then for me there's all the bills, washing powder etc, doing his washing and his dd, electricity etc which bound to be extra used with them here. Am I been taken advantage of here? Should I expect him to pay anything as obviously although he is paying his own bills he's not using anything there, I feel a bit used to be honest, would you? or am I being a tad over sensitive?

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 24/05/2011 20:18

Yes I think you are being taken advantage of. If he owns a house why aren't you moving in with him? You've made a big step of moving to be closer to him but what has he done to show any commitment to you?

Original poster
goddess72 · 24/05/2011 20:28

Oh well it was more complicated than that we needed a bigger house, we have 4 children between us so his house was too small to move into. I needed to move anyway, which I was quite happy to do and like I say we are just waiting for his house to sell, but I'm still paying for everything, a bit unsure if I should be really??

OP posts:
colditz · 24/05/2011 20:30

you're not remotely unsure if you should be paying for everything. YOu know damn well he's taking the piss.

Original poster
goddess72 · 24/05/2011 20:34

well all he says is he's got his own bills/house to pay! But his are not going to be as high as mine are they? hmmmm

OP posts:
tallulahxhunny · 24/05/2011 20:42

if that is his answer then he IS taking the piss and he knows it, just tell him you want him to pay half of everything , if he isnt using his own house he can get his electricity, phone etc cut off then so he has no bills there.

Bogeyface · 24/05/2011 20:43

As you are going into living together and running the house you are in together, why not agree to add up the bills etc from both houses and split them down the middle?

You pay your rent/mortgage and he pays his, but everything else is totalled up and then split 50/50. Would that be do-able?

Original poster
goddess72 · 24/05/2011 20:55

that might be a solution maybe....I just asked him if he could help me with the electricity bill, his answer was why should I pay for things he doesn't use or left on when they shouldn't be...hmmmmm

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 24/05/2011 21:00

I've got to be honest, that would worry me.

If that is his attitude now, when things should be all moonlight and roses, what will he be like after you are living together?

Please please make sure that you get your finances sorted before he moves because at the moment he sounds like he could become worse after you are living together.

HerHissyness · 24/05/2011 21:03

OOh, can you hear the sense of entitlement ALREADY?

Red-Flag-A-go-go!

Original poster
goddess72 · 24/05/2011 21:05

Hmmmmm I am worried actually!!!

OP posts:
mrscynical · 24/05/2011 21:34

You should be more than worried.

My friend is in a similar situation whereby her boyfriend has had his house on the market for eighteen months and he refuses to lower the price. This, of course, means he will not sell it. Meanwhile he lives with her. His kids stay with him (and her) for around 3 or 4 nights a week. She picks them up from school, ferries them to school clubs etc. He goes on holidays with mates and says it's a shame she can't go as she cannot afford it. She cannot afford it because he pays her nothing. He gave her £100 in October last year and she still has his kids over when he is on his boys weekend or holidays away so she is also feeding them and putting them up while he is off enjoying himself.

And when he split up from his ex-wife he made himself a limited company so he only had to pay £12 per week for both kids. My friend has recently taken out a £2,000 loan and works at just above minimum wage in a part-time job.

He has told her that when he sells his house they will buy a property together. However as he has £25,000 owing on credit cards his equity will be roughly half of what her equity would be. Credit cards have been used to pay for boys only holidays and a flash car (that only he can drive) btw.

I told her she's mad and pointed out the flaws in this relationship but she says he's good in bed.

I told her she'd be better off hiring a gigolo. It would certainly be cheaper.

Run now before you end up bankrupt. He will have left you by then anyway.

catinthehat2 · 24/05/2011 21:45

"Am I been taken advantage of here?"
yes

"Should I expect him to pay anything?"
yes

"I feel a bit used to be honest, would you?"
yes

"or am I being a tad over sensitive?"
no

I do understand this is not AIBU, but you are being taken for a mug

Original poster
goddess72 · 24/05/2011 21:45

That sounds awful! Well ok my situation isn't as bad as that, he doesn't go out and away on holidays etc. He does pay for food and stuff, and bought some furniture etc, oh and decorated my kids rooms, he paid for the paint, well thats his job he's a painter and decorator, or he will put some petrol in my car occaisionally especially if I have dropped his dd at school! I am just telling you the bad things, but it does worry me, as like you say how is he going to be when he's moved in completely. I really think I need to talk to him about this, as I don't want someone moving in who gonna take the piss!!!! Worried though, he sells up , moves in, harder to get rid of him then!

OP posts:
mrscynical · 24/05/2011 21:55

I am now going to mention the dreaded Child Tax Credits/Working Tax Credits!

The amount you have lost out on due to him living with you - is he making that amount up?

I assume as a single parent (with youngish child/children) you were receiving them?

Not judging by the way, just mentioning to ensure you are not out of pocket still further.

Original poster
goddess72 · 25/05/2011 08:40

Yeh thats another thing I am loosing out on alot of benefits!!!!

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 25/05/2011 08:56

YOu need to sit down with him and work out your finances together, taking everything into consideration.

If he lives in your home he should be contributing to the costs of washing powder, toilet roll, electricity, gas, broadband connection, rent/mortgage.

If he cannot do that then until he can he should be staying in his own home.

Original poster
goddess72 · 25/05/2011 09:38

I know your right fabbychic, I've suggested that to him he simply won't go!!

Another thing that worries me, I did start to discuss with him when he does sell and moves in how were we going to do it then. I suggested we worked it all out and he pays a certain amount to me each month, as everything is set up in my name now ! He said well he'll see, as he's self employed his earnings vary each month, fair enough but then he said if he didn't work (which has never happened since I've known him) through lack of work, he wouldn't be paying me anything! But surely thats not right either, as what if I'm not working what happens then, were he is now he still has to pay the bills even if he wasn't working. Its just his attitude thats worrying me, he said he'll be fair but I've only got his word for it haven't I ??!!!!

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 25/05/2011 09:40

This really doesn't sound very promising at the moment. Especially that he won't go - out of YOUR house?

Mumsnet kneejerk harridan moment alert.

Bogeyface · 25/05/2011 10:12

Do hear that noise?

Its alarm bells ringing fit to burst.

I am sorry to say this but it really isnt sounding good at all. I think you need to really consider if the this is a man that you could reasonable live, because I have to be honest, I know I couldnt.

The fact that he is saying he might not have work makes me wonder if he is considering you his ticket to not having to work so much, rather than actually being serious about not getting enough work in.

Think think think and if you want him out then you can get him out. He has a house to go to, so change the locks if needs be!

RudeEnglishLady · 25/05/2011 10:16

This sounds like its going to go horribly wrong.

He won't make a financial plan and contribution?
He won't leave your house?

Its hard but I think you should consider just how terrible this could be for your children, even if you are blinded by love or whatever, please put their security first. You sound like you know its not right though.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 25/05/2011 10:20

Get rid, get rid!! You'll be better off without him, doesn't sound like he is playing very fair with you!

DELHI · 25/05/2011 10:20

It sounds like he doesn't really understand the concept of 'sharing'. Seems to be all about him and what you will do for him - not like an equal partnership at all. Sorry to be a bit harsh, but you sound almost grateful for his attention - perhaps you should try to have a bit more self-confidence, otherwise he's going to walk all over you. Unless he's prepared to do things equally and fairly you should consider whether he's right for you. if he leaves because you won't do what he wants, have the confidence to know that he was a mistake and you don't need a sponger in your life.

zikes · 25/05/2011 10:22

He's onto a great thing with you.

There's a great name for it that I learned from MN: cocklodger.

Original poster
goddess72 · 25/05/2011 10:44

hmmm this is worrying, your all just confirming my worst fears. I've always thought of him as tight with his money, and its not that he hasn't got any! He does work hard don't get me wrong he isn't the type of bloke that wouldn't work or by no means lazy I am SURE of that! But its just his attitude, he's obviously been thinking about what I said though cos this morning he did say something about giving me money as its not fair! So I'm thinking maybe he just needed reminding, or pointing things out. However the thought of him selling up and moving in and having rights to this property is very much worrying me, I'm in a dilema here, as there's more to it than u know!

OP posts:
zikes · 25/05/2011 10:55

Well, talk is cheap, you need to see the money.

If there are other issues, as you indicate, you could always thresh them out here, see what the MN peeps think?

I don't know how long you've been with this guy, but if it's the first year or so, you should both still be showing the best of yourselves to each other, the honeymoon period, if you like. If there are big issues already, you've gotta wonder, is this the best he's got to offer?

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