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Original poster

When is it OK to introduce a new partner?

77 replies

JamesP1972 · 23/05/2011 16:20

Hi am a separated dad who's still quite involved (thankfully) in the day to day upbringing of our 2 year old daughter. I have been in a relationship for 5 months with someone I respect and trust as a responsible person, although she's only 26. I want my daughter to meet her soon, but am wary of doing it wrong, and would appreciate any advice or experience from others who have been through this (leaving a relationship and attempting to tentatively introduce a new partner to a young child).

Many thanks

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 23/05/2011 17:04

You have been seeing her for 5m. You respect, trust as a responsible person. you sound like you are describing a babysitter, not a girlfriend.

Oh yes and the word IS girlfriend, not partner.

You are not seriously committed to her, you don't even know her properly yet, there are no feelings of love coming through in your very short post.

IMVHO it's WAY too early.

I don't know how long you have been split with the DD's mum, why, nor how old you are, but it would appear that YOU left the relationship with the child's mother.

Assuming you are not that much older than the girlfriend, and that you and the child's mother have been over for a considerable amount of time, then only really after at least a solid year of committed relationship should you even think about introducing children to a girlfriend/boyfriend.

HerHissyness · 23/05/2011 17:07

1972? You are 39 this year? she is 26?

I repeat. Wait a while eh?

shesgotherlipstickon · 23/05/2011 17:10

Oh dear sigh

What hissy said.

FabbyChic · 23/05/2011 17:12

I'd wait a while to be honest, your girlfriend is extremely young compared to you, if you were seeing someone who was older and had children themselves I'd say take them all out together for the day.

But, I'd wait until the shine wears off a bit.

TobyLerone · 23/05/2011 17:13

FFS, we're policing what people choose to call their significant others now, are we?

It seems to me that the OP used the words 'respect', 'trust' and 'responsible' with relation to her meeting his daughter, not as terms of endearment.

It's none of our business whether or not he loves her, nor is it our place to question his commitment to her.

I don't think there is a set amount of time. For some people, they could be moved in together and married within a year or less. For others, they could deliberately be taking it slowly and not feel ready to introduce their new partner to their child for months and months. Horses for courses, innit.

OP, I think that if you are ready to introduce your new partner to your child, then do so. If you are on good terms with the child's mother, perhaps let her know you're going to introduce your partner to your daughter, just as a courtesy.

At 2 years old, your child really won't know there's anything going on unless you're snogging your new partner in front of her at every opportunity. She'll probably just be glad there's someone new to take turns pushing her on the swings!

rainbowbreeze · 23/05/2011 17:14

I can speak from the other side, I met my boyfriends son after just under 6 months together - hes almost 7 years older than me but his son is 9. It was just getting harder and harder not to be a part of something thats so important to him and we knew our relationship was serious - you dont mention whether you've had a chat about where the replationship is going ? Or how she feels about meeting your daughter ? For us it was the right thing to do, we've taken it slowly building up the time we spend together but we've just booked a family wknd away and I can't wait! Grin

Didyouever · 23/05/2011 17:18

Can you speak to your ex about this?
If she's ok with it, I'd go for it.

When does a girlfriend become a partner then?
I didn't know there are rules for this.

ohfuckohfuckohfuckduck · 23/05/2011 17:18

I waited around 6 months with DP.

He has never been married, no kids so we couldn't do the taking the kids out thing. and my kids are older than your DD. We arranged to meet at a local attraction and he met us there, so the kids had stuff to do and it wasn't all about "meeting" him IYSWIM?

Depends how serious you are about the relationship though.

Original poster
JamesP1972 · 23/05/2011 17:56

I am 39, yes you rumbled it, obviously you need to wait a while until 'the shine' fades and you know this is for real. It's a pretty poor situation on the face of it, older husband meets young girl, leaves an unhappy marriage, tries not to ruin things any further.

Not asking for any empathy, just thoughts re the responsible thing to do in terms of being a parent (the overriding thing I should and do care about). My ex is insisting on meeting my girlfriend, which I don't think is unreasonable, though it will be hideous for them both. I think to be honest the effect on them of this process is almost more worrying than the likely effect on our daughter of meeting a new person. She is exceptionally sociable, sunny, and not used to being with a variety of different people.

However I realise if she established a relationship with my girlfriend and it ended it could be damaging. This is very unlikely I feel, and also you can't live life or make decisions just based on the bleaker 'what ifs.'

OP posts:
Original poster
JamesP1972 · 23/05/2011 17:57

Sorry 'and used,' not 'and not used'

OP posts:
gawdonbennett · 23/05/2011 18:05

Lucky bastard dating a 26 year old.
What's your secret?

FabbyChic · 23/05/2011 18:23

I can understand your ex wanting to meet your girlfriend, if your child was older I don't think she would have the right to ask that but a 2 year old is very impressionable.

heavyheartedfarted · 23/05/2011 18:59

Will be watching this thread,i have told my 36 yr old husband he can introduce dcs to his 18yr old girlfriend of 5 months when they have been together 6 months.

madonnawhore · 23/05/2011 19:06

I met my boyfriend's child (3 y/o) after 7 months together.

We don't live with each other - as one poster has said, I guess I am very much 'girlfriend' and not 'partner' - but he spends so much time with his child (which is fantastic for both of them), and fatherhood is such a huge part of his life, that after 7 months it felt natural that I should start becoming more involved with that side of his life if things between us were going to progress in the direction we both want them to. His ex had no issue with me meeting his DD so he slowly started introducing me.

The way we do it is on the weekends he has her, I meet them somewhere neutral like a museum or park and spend the day with them. Then they go home together and I go back to my place.

We are careful not to be affectionate in front of her. We didn't want it to be all like 'This is dad's new girlfriend, get used to it!' and then be all over each other. Understandably that would freak her out, so as far as she knows I am just one of daddy's friends.

Sometimes she tells us to hold hands as the three of us are walking down the road, so that we're all in a chain. That is super cute and makes me feel unbelievably happy (:o), but we only do that if she tells is to. Otherwise we are pretty hands off with one another.

There is no rush and I don't want to force my relationship with her father onto her before she's ready, so I am happy to continue being 'the friend they see on Saturdays' for a while.

Just because I am in a relationship with her dad, I have no automatic right to come into her home and start spending the night, being involved in her life, etc, without her fully understanding what the situation is and being 100% comfortable with it.

elastamum · 23/05/2011 19:53

I have a different perspective on this. My Bf met my kids after about 6 weeks because my ex turned up at the doorstep with them unannounced when they were supposed to be spending the weekend at his. He did me a favour really, as they all got on fine and I realised then that if they hadnt then BF could have not lasted anyway.

So IMO it is better to introduce someone casually early on when you know they relationship might become serious than to wait months and months and then find they arent going to get on with your kids. Especially if you know that is a deal breaker

I am lucky. New bf is very laid back, the kids (12, 10 )like him and so far everyone has got on just fine. But I have made it clear that he is my BF, not just a 'friend' as I think it is important to be honest. I have asked my children how they feel about it and both have said they are 'cool' with him (and then just carried on watching TV) Grin

Ex is remarried, but he waited less than 6 mnths before moving in with his then GF.

elastamum · 23/05/2011 19:54

Last weekend we had me, BF ex and the kids all having coffee together whilst out Shock

elastamum · 23/05/2011 19:57

BTW if my ex had insisted on meeting BF before he met the kids i would have told him to take a hike. You cannot expect to approve someone elses partners

HerHissyness · 23/05/2011 19:59

So.. James, 'older husband', you met your young girlfriend THEN left the "unhappy marriage" AND your 2yo daughter.

NICE.

Gay40 · 23/05/2011 20:11

For me I'd want to wait at least a year. Might seem ages to everyone else, but I feel that would be right for me and DD.

shesgotherlipstickon · 23/05/2011 20:12

So she's the OW, that you left your family for. But it was Ohhh so unhappy though.

So cliche of a mid life fool.

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 23/05/2011 20:16

When I split with my DC father, I vowed I would never introduce anyone unless it was "the one". My DC then were 16 and 9. He was introduced at around 9 months. The relationship ended after 3 years.

I guess the moral of the story is that there will always be an element of risk involved in any new relationship when you have children. How can you be sure? I don't know, I thought I was...

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 23/05/2011 20:24

BTW james by your admission you will get a lot of negative responses on here, however, we don't know the nuts and bolts of your marriage. I would suggest, basis your age and the age of your GF that you leave it for some time yet. Young,single childless women can be very jealous/resentful of the attention they lose when their BF has kids.

SadVillageGirl · 23/05/2011 20:27

My ex introduced his floozie to my daughters on his second date!! I am not happy. This was only a month ago and now every weekend when he has the girls he either invites her round his or takes the girls over to hers. TBH I think 5 months is ok and sorry for my tone but I am hurting, don't mean it to come over and spoil your request for advice :(

FabbyChic · 23/05/2011 20:37

Sorry but a 36 year old man having an 18 year old girlfriend is just sick, and no way would my children be allowed to meet her.

Its like he is a peadophile! he is old enough to be her father for gods sake.

madonnawhore · 23/05/2011 20:37

"Young,single childless women can be very jealous/resentful of the attention they lose when their BF has kids."

That's a bit of a harsh sweeping statement, WillIEver. I'm young(ish) (31), single and am childless, but I don't resent my BF's daughter in any way. I went into the relationship accepting that she would always be number one in her life and I would be a priority only after her. Which is the way it should be imo, and is what makes him a fantastic father.