When is it OK to introduce a new partner?

[JamesP1972]

Hi am a separated dad who's still quite involved (thankfully) in the day to day upbringing of our 2 year old daughter. I have been in a relationship for 5 months with someone I respect and trust as a responsible person, although she's only 26. I want my daughter to meet her soon, but am wary of doing it wrong, and would appreciate any advice or experience from others who have been through this (leaving a relationship and attempting to tentatively introduce a new partner to a young child).

Many thanks

madonna apologies, 31 I regard as being quite mature, and, going solely on personal experience, all the young girls I've known in relationships with men and kids have ended up resentful,but maybe you're right it may be a sweeping statement...

am dealing with situation where boot is on other foot. My ex and I are not quite exes but there is ow and we live apart. He sees no problem in himself and the ow spending day with our 3-year-old. I and his mother have explained that it is not on while situation is very messy. I feel that if you are part-time parent then there are plenty of other days to be together. When the dust has settled, it is time. Worst thing is that child is confused anyway, needs both parents to be nonchalent and cool about things and, yes, it does matter when there is chance that this gf or bf will be one of many. Also worrying is when there are other children around ie ow/om's kids. All very confusing. As I say to my not-quite ex, our DS has not met anyone significant of either sex that he hasn't met or I wouldn't be happy for him to meet. Is that a good rule of thumb?

fab-yes,i agree its sick but i cant stop him introducing her,i thought by agreeing to it after 6 months they would be over by then but its not looking likely.

She is not old enough to be a mother, she is still a child. She won't be around in their lives forever and for the children depending on their ages it could be embarassing, can;t you say in hindsight you should have said a year?

Fab-dc are 1 and 5,i think if she was older i dont think i would mind as much but given her age it looks like h is having a mid life crisis and i doubt it will last.Am lucky to have a great mil so i will talk to her and get him to speak to him as he is more likely to do as she asks.

I feel for you Heavy must be really hard for you. I hope you have the support you need in RL. Does sound like a mid life crisis!

Good grief. Now a man dating an 18 year old girl is a 'paedophile'?

MN never ceases to amaze me when a man posts an OP

No worries WillIEver. I guess you kind of hit a nerve because sometimes I do feel a little left out and like I want to stamp my foot for attention, but I realise this is utterly utterly unreasonable and luckily the thought never becomes deed!

I can imagine how someone less emotionally mature could feel very petulant about competing for their lover's attention with their lover's children.

I think it is great that you are being thoughtful about this.

My ex introduced our daughter to his new girlfriend after they had been together for three months. We had only split up six months ago. He didn't even tell me the girlfriend existed, let alone that he was going to spend the weekend with her and our daughter (then aged four). She came home talking about 'daddy's friend who stayed the night' and I was absolutely devastated - I was still very raw about the breakup.

I thought it was deeply insensitive behaviour, towards both me and our daughter, we were both still confused and upset about the break up. It has badly damaged current interaction with ex.

So I do think in this situation you have to tread carefully for all sorts of reasons. I think the best thing is to wait a decent length of time - say six months so you are reasonably settled into your new relationship and start off light, build it up gradually.

Of course your ex has no right to police your future love life but I think a bit of senstivity can't hurt - if she is going to be unreasonable about it, she will be, but at least you can reassure yourself that you tried and you didn't rush into things which might cause confusion to your daughter.

madonna I have been on both sides of the fence. I was with my DC father when i was 27. I had no children and he had 3. Coming from a large family with lots of nieces and nephews I was well used to children (I thought). But I found myself being resentful of his kids or rather the time/attention he had with them.

I remember going away with them and he was putting them to bed and they were having fun and cuddles (quite normal) however, I felt so lonely and isolated. We then had kids of our own and it changed, I was no longer resentful because I realised just how much you love your kids and I hadn't known that before.

It really is a different kind of love, and that's what you must realise. The kind of love you have for a child is totally different to that of a partner. And your feelings are normal and not unreasonable, they are YOUR feelings. It's when they become destructive they are unreasonable. He is very lucky to have someone so understanding as it can be a tough situation.

I guess it does depend on how serious this new relationship is - I met by DP's kids after we'd been seeing each other a fairly short period of time, maybe 2 months at the most, but the kids knew he was seeing someone and they were incredibly curious to meet me. His ex knew I was meeting the kids too, but she and I did not meet beforehand.
I would normally say it is not for the ex-partner to have any real say in when or how the new partner is introduced, but as your DD is so young I can imagine that this would be a source of great anxiety for your wife and that she should meet your gf first.
I would imagine the fact that your gf has been the reason for your marriage break up is going to make this harder for your wife to be comfortable with her being around your child. You need to be hugely sensitive to this.

i introduced my BF on the first day. noone would have the kids for me. he is also 16yrs older than me and not a paedophile. we have been together 2 and a half yrs now

Oh God, I can hear the hoiking of the judgeypants from here.

WillIEver it's really interesting to hear your insight.

I would think less of my BF if he ever put his relationship with me before his relationship with his daughter, yet I sometimes I feel upset and want to sulk when he doesn't!

madonna so very normal!

To the kangaragoo court, firstly nothing happened before I left, yes I left my 'family' but to me it wasn't a unit, I was leaving my daughter, which made me loathe myself. Yes I was in a midlife crisis, slowly realising how unhappy I was with one person, then suddenly realising possibility of being happy with another. More a crisis of feeling like you couldn't and shouldn't do anything about it, having a child, but actually I was in no doubt I should leave as a husband, as I suddenly realised I had no real connection with my wife apart from our child. Enough of the sob story!

I am more concerned now with how my gf and wife will cope in the next few weeks, having tentatively agreed 6 months is an acceptable time which to meet my child. I have to believe that this relationship is going to last, I desperately don't want to mess my daughter's head up, but you can't go through life making decisions based on what might go wrong if the balance of probability seems to be that it's unlikely. She is young so I hope that means any confusion as to a new 'friend' might just be more adults doing whatever they do as she carries on enjoying be her, the most fantastic person on the earth!

I think the most important deciding factor is how your daughter will cope with meeting a new partner.

How is her behaviour at the moment? Does she still seem unsettled by your split with your wife? Is she more clingy than usual? Is she used to having a new bedroom and staying with daddy in a different house for a few days each week?

Would seeing daddy kissing a different woman upset her and unsettle her further? Do you think she would feel confused by it or accept it unquestioningly?

My BF's daughter is still a little unsettled over his split with her mum. We, too, got together quite soon after his break up (although I was nothing to do with their split). His DD says and does little things sometimes that indicate she's still not 100% ok with the new set up. Therefore the best way of handling it at the moment is to introduce me slowly as a new friend, without the attendant loaded emotions that come with the label of 'girlfriend'.

She seems to be pretty chilled out around me so far. Also, by doing it this way, if things were to go tits up between me and her dad, it wouldn't be as traumatic for her. I'd just be the lady that used to hang out with them on Saturdays but doesn't any more. Rather than the lady who slept over at daddy's house in his bed like mummy used to, but doesn't any more.

If you see what I mean?

Once she's used to me and is comfortable around me then BF and I can start being more like a romantic couple, but it doesn't feel fair to do that while she's still obviously a bit unsettled by her parents splitting up.

What do you think your daughter would be able to cope with?

Thanks for reply.

I don't live in a place yet where I can put her up but am going to move into a flat. My ex wanted to wait until that happened but it's not going to be possible for a few weeks, in the meantime we are in limbo as it feels time my gf at least began to feel part of my 'real' life...

Myself and ex have agreed no overt displays of affection yet, or even prolonged visits. Take it very slow. Impossible to say if DD will be affected adversely, as I said before she is ultra-sociable with a wide range of people, not in any way introverted, and though she has her clingy moments (not often with me), like any toddler, my leaving has had no noticeable impact on her everyday behaviour. I think my ex would agree, though she's developing fast all the time so it's hard to disassociate perhaps anyway.

I think what you describe (ie future confusion as to dad's 'friend's' role in it all) is the thing to be wary of, however what you can do about it I am at a loss to work out.

I think DD could easily cope with (and I hope, enjoy), limited time with me and gf on this basis, and then to know where I am living (as she does ask), will help, as will staying over. But it will still all be kept separate until things naturally coalesce. In this for the long haul, and ultimately I will always have her as daughter, despite whatever else happens, so I have to put her first.

PS Madonna can I ask how old his daughter was when you got together?

I'm sorry that so many people have judged you here...

I'm in a not dissimilar position to your gf. I met my partner 4 years ago, when he was in the midst of divorce proceedings, I was 31 and he was 40. We left it almost 3 years before I met his children! We both agree that this was too long as now I know the children, care deeply about them and they are a big part of my life.

In your case, your daughter is 2 and she will not understand the complexities of adult relationships. So start slowly, introduce your gf as 'daddy's friend' go to the park a couple of times and see how it goes. Don't rush in, make sure your gf doesn't try to replace your daughter's mother, don't stay overnight together for a while (we left it till my DPs children asked) and FGS don't allow your daughter to become attached to your gf if you don't think the relationship is going to last (although you have said nothing to indicate this is the case).

That's my view. Am quite new to this site but if there's a way to message me feel free.

Honestly? I agree with your ex. I would wait until you have a place sorted out before bringing the GF into the picture. Get your DD used to spending time with you in your new house just the two of you so that she feels secure about the new set up.

How much time a week do you spend with your DD? And how much with your GF? If you're only seeing your DD one or two nights a week at the moment, I really don't see that it's impacting on the time you can spend with your GF that badly.

There were times at the beginning of my relationship with my BF where I wouldn't be able to spend time with him for 5/6 days in a stretch because he was looking after his DD. It sucked for me because I really missed him, and if he was a more selfish person he could have introduced me to his DD earlier for his own convenience so that we wouldn't have those extended periods apart. But it wasn't all about what I wanted, or what he wanted, it was about what was best for his DD. I knew what I was signing up for and I had to be patient (still have to be; will always have to be).

If your GF can't see that it would be best to hang fire for another month or so, just while you get settled into your new place, then that ought to ring alarm bells.

And of course there's always the risk that you and GF might break up further down the line and that would cause upset and confusion, but none of us have a crystal ball. I bet you didn't get married expecting to get divorced either. You can't control future hypothetical events, but what you can control is the way you handle this situation now. Kid gloves and slowly, slowly, is the way forward I think.

Just saw we x-posted. She was 3.

thanks for that, but I've already made my mind up waiting 9 months will be too long (it will be August til my new place is fully sorted). Its making me and my gf's relationship tricky as it's not part of my 'real' life. Very concerned that waiting until everything's ready with my new flat/my wife is OK with everything/we have plotted out best course of action for visits very thoroughly will just mean life is passing by and my gf continues to feel she's not fully part of my life. This isn't just me thinking of her, it's what I want.

I understand she should have seen this coming as should have I, but I felt I didn't have a choice, couldn't have an affair, couldn't stay. She however has the excuse of being young, never been in this situation. It's so hard, but I am concerned about letting things drift. Cue more mudslinging!

Your DD is a toddler - having your gf/partner go along to the park with you or whatever you are doing is not going to adversely affect her. They are just so accepting at that age :) It's another new big person to play with. End of. Even if it doesn't last with your gf it wont be the end of the world for her. I think it's better to introduce her now as well, if you wait until you have a new place, new partner, new life... it will be a lot of change all at once, this way there's just another person coming when you take her out to do things.

I can understand your soon-to-be-ex-wife wanting to meet her and throttle her, but she has no 'right' to do so, as you would have no 'right' to meet anyone she is involved in. Who the other person chooses to introduce the children to is their business.

Of course it's going to be hard for her as this is the OW and understandably I'm sure she would like to kill the pair of you, but basically, whether she likes it or not, this is the way life is. She will have to do what the rest of us have had to do and pull up her big girl pants and get on with it while drinking wine & bitching to her friends about it.

A word of advice though... even though you didn't ask for it You say you are concerned about letting things drift, this is a bit worrying - it's almost like you seem to need to 'claim' her as yours before she runs off with someone else. You haven't been together that long - if you are feeling insecure now it doesn't bode well. For your own sake, just make sure you aren't jumping from the fat in the fire.

If you really didn't have sex with her before leaving your wife I'm impressed, but you still can't complain that your STBXW sees her as the OW because she did turn your head and she was the one who made it seem like leaving was a good idea :(

I do understand where you're coming from.

There was a point in my relationship at around 5-6 months where, because of the amount of time my BF spends with his DD, I thought to myself that if he didn't start making moves to integrate me more into what I called 'his other life', then I would probably have to start evaluating whether this was a situation I could live with long term.

Luckily it didn't come to that because shortly after he suggested introducing me to his DD which I was obviously really excited about.

However, it was still a good 6 weeks between him telling me he was going to introduce me and me actually meeting her. The timing and circumstances needed to be right.

What I'm saying is that, even him just saying he wanted me to meet his DD was enough of a statement of intent for me. I was then happy to wait another month or so before it actually happened.

I'm still not really understanding why you have this sense of urgency. If you have talked with your GF about her meeting your DD then why does it have to happen immediately? What do you mean by 'life passing you by'? Is your GF putting pressure on to speed up the process?

I'm only asking because I get the sense from your posts that you're focussing more on what would work best for you and your GF and that your DD will just go along with whatever because hopefully she won't notice.

Obviously ultimately you can do what you want but I agree that limiting visits to a few hours during the day and holding back on affection in front of her would be the right way to go for now.

Also, I will say this: you are used to having a relationship and a child and are prepared for how having a child impacts on your relationship. Your GF won't be. I am not and am finding it a steep learning curve being with BF and his DD and us not being able to be as spontaneous as we want to be, take off for a weekend, or stay in bed all day if we want.

Those things are very important in a new relationship so don't be in a hurry to bypass that wonderful courtship period in order to skip straight to happy families.