When is it OK to introduce a new partner?

[JamesP1972]

Hi am a separated dad who's still quite involved (thankfully) in the day to day upbringing of our 2 year old daughter. I have been in a relationship for 5 months with someone I respect and trust as a responsible person, although she's only 26. I want my daughter to meet her soon, but am wary of doing it wrong, and would appreciate any advice or experience from others who have been through this (leaving a relationship and attempting to tentatively introduce a new partner to a young child).

Many thanks

Oh shit. I agree with ChippingIn. Now I know that the end of the world is nigh.

Heh. My 36-year-old ex is moving in his 21-year-old just-out-of-uni girlfriend next month, and there's bugger all I can do to stop my daughter from seeing her- tbh I just can't be arsed any more, daughter will know that I am there for her whatever midlife wankery her dad gets up to in the name of twu lurve and will hopefully learn to avoid wanky older men when she's 21 herself. Basically, I'm afraid, I've come to the conclusion that men are entitled to act like bastards and no one is allowed to do anything about it. So OP, just do whatever you like, and leave your ex to pick up the pieces, eh?

Hi James. my story is that me and dp got together when my ds had just turned 1. me and dp had known eachother for years so was confident it would work in the long term. i was 21 and dp was 32. dp was introduced to ds from the beginning purely because i felt he was a young age to be fazed by the situation, and plus im ds's sole carer - his dad wasn't around.

But it took dp 4 years for me to meet his 3 kids. They are older - they were 11, 13 and 16, and because of their age understood why dp might be over cautious, but this was absolute torture for me. I was never included in any part of dp's life and it was awful. So i can appreciate how it feels for your partner. I felt totally cut off from his life and i did eventually take it personally but 4 years is a lot different to 6 months, and i did eventually meet them and we get on great.

Im my opinion your dd is at an age where meeting your girlfriend wouldn't have much affect on her. And if you feel confident it is a long term relationship then thats your decision to make. She would be daddy's friend who spends time with you both sometimes. i think as long as it starts off slowly and limited until she gets to know your dp as your friend and you get your flat sorted so that your dd can get used to being just you two without her mum when she's with you, and getting used to having 2 homes etc, then as the situation naturally progresses i would imagine your dp would start to just naturally fit into yours and dd's life (as opposed to dd fitting into yours and your dp's life).

i think as long as you show dd lots of attention and affection, and your partner limited amounts at the beginning it will work out great and you'll get on really well.

my BF is on the steep learning curve too. he has no kids and is now thrown in at the deep end with my 3. 2 of whom have special needs. their dad isnt around and i get no help from family. i do have a babysitter once every few months or so, so that we can get to a concert or summat. but my life has to revolve around my kids, especially youngest who has the most complex needs of my kids

Janet, I imagine it must be very difficult for him but he sounds like a great guy for not letting those kind of challenges intimidate him. Good catch :)

It IS really hard if you're the single childless partner with no experience of parenting, trying to assimilate into your partner's kids' lives. I know to a parent a comment like that might warrant an eye roll and a 'Yeah, you think it's hard? Try having them 24/7!'. But when you don't have children of your own it is all uncharted territory you have to navigate and it feels scary!

I nearly broke down in tears the other day because I was cooking at my BF's flat and he automatically moved the pan I was using from the front ring to the back ring. He caught himself doing it and explained that he always cooked on the back rings out of habit because of when his DD is in the kitchen, etc.

He would be horrified to think he made me feel this way, but I felt like SUCH a massive failure twat. Here was I, trying to prove I was all amazing with children and that I'd be a great role model for his daughter and he'd made the right decision about me, etc, and I was actually a potentially lethal threat to his child in the kitchen!

Hugely oversensitive on my part I know, but I would love it if just once he said to me: 'I know this must be really difficult for you, thank you for your patience, you're doing really well'.

Sorry, /threadhijack.

madonna, thanks for that last part. i think i assume it will all come easy to him. im gonna say thankyou to him more often :)
he does try to be really 'helpful' with youngests needs, googling for me and sending me links etc. he rarely bats an eyelid now when there is poo on the wall or DD dances across the room in poo covered clothes
he has told me tho that he will never be their dad but will be with us for life. TBH he has had loads of chances to fuck off and hasnt so summat must be ok here

Madonna, that's a really good point. I'm not sure I tell my bf enough how much I appreciate how he is with my children. They adore him and vice versa. I'm going to tell him tonight. Thanks for reminding me

I am intrigued by this idea that anyone would "not allow" their ex to introduce a new partner.

Yes, do tell your partners they're doing a great job. It will make their day!

If they're anything like me, I guarantee they spend most of the time secretly bricking it, hoping they're not causing irrepairable damage to your children with their inexperienced incompetence :)

Just to give another perspective my story is this.

When ex-wife left me our DS was 16 months. 4 months later not only had she introduced DS to her new BF but he was buying ex-wife a birthday card from DS as well as himself - though to be fair I always got the impression ex-wife wasn't all that impressed by this and DS was way too young to understand or care - suspect card from DS was just well meaning attempt by new BF to be nice to ex and show what a great Mummy he thinks she is.

Around that time I did ask to meet new BF, not to "approve" him but just because:

1. I'd quite like to have some small idea of who someone else is whose spending regular time with DS, not sure that's unnatural or over controlling - and when we discussed it made that clear to ex - i.e. I don't want to do it to run rule over him, that's not in my control

1. From a practical point of view it would have made sense - ex-wife was still in marital home, I'd moved to unsuitable place for contact time to help out with mortgage while we sold house. Two nights a week I'd pick DS up from nursery and go back to marital home to so I could do bedtime routine with him. During this period (some months) BF was driving ex-wife home just after DS bed time, dropping her off, then doing one until I left and presumably coming back again about 2 minutes later (he was using her car so it would have needed to come back for her to get to work the next day). So I just thought if we'd met and said a grunty hello at least they could both arrive home together as I left, park the car and get on with their evening! Still if he was that keen to avoid me fair enough - suspect drama of that potential meeting was somewhat exaggerated in ex and his minds.

Anyway another couple of years down the line marital house now sold, ex moved in with BF and I still haven't met him, even though DS (now 3) frequently articulates lots of things he's done with Mummy and new BF.

In that time I would say I've learned to cope pretty well with the situation, because there is no choice. But I am still curious as to who this man is. Anyway when I mentioned DS now talking about him quite a bit ex told me that new BF "takes a back seat" when he's with DS. My response was to honestly say that if that works for them that's great, but don't be doing it for me - as far as I'm concerned the more positive role models DS has the better and it really is not up to me to declare someone suitable for DS in terms of my ex, that's her business.

I, sniff, have no new GF yet, so shoe hasn't been on other foot - if that ever were to happen, based on some other stuff - e.g. ex wanted to see my new flat before I moved in so she "could visualise where DS is" - could be interesting.

So I'd say this to OP. If you want your new GF to meet your daughter because their both important parts of your life then go for it. By definition in posting you're thinking about it carefully and lots of posts have given lots of different kinds of advice.

I'd say 4 things:

1. Your DD is young and as has already been pointed out, won't grasp fully what GF actually is and certainly won't have a thought process where they decide you're trying to replace Mummy for her. You can make sure of that by managing a little how you and GF act around DD when your together, because if GF was just a friend suspect you wouldn't think twice about her co-inciding with your time with DD. So maybe go down that road while your relationship with GF develops one way or another.

1. I think involving your ex with the decision and letting her know how you're going about it might alleviate any bad feeling a little. Many I'm sure will disagree with that, but my experience is that bad feeling normally stems more from lack of communication than over communication. However if you do I'd advise being assertive over some aspects (e.g. GF and DD ARE going to be spending time with me together because they're both very important to me) and where possible listening and acting on her concerns / needs (e.g. within that context do you have any advice or feelings about the best way to go about introducing them, etc). If she's angry and just dismisses it as a bad thing then so be it - at least you will have tried.

1. Every separated / divorced parent walks a tightrope to a certain extent when it comes to new partners. Some would say new partners should only be introduced when you're very sure this is going to be a long term relationship and you've been together for ages and ages - but by definition that's a bit non sensical because my best guess is not many people who choose to have children together are thinking "well this might end, but lets have children anyway" - yet the fact that they separated suggests it did end and there's a risk with all "partner" relationships that they could end. Of course I'm not suggesting a revolving door of new partners is a good thing but I think if you've been seeing someone and it feels like it's going somewhere and it's managed gently and sensitively introducing a new partner to a child can be worthwhile. The flip side of waiting for ages is that it can put pressure on the new partner when they do meet or make new partners feel they're peripheral to your life because there's this massive part of your life they're witheld from.

1. Which leads me on to my final point. There isn't much clue in your post as to whether your new GF wants to meet your DD? She might not want to? That would probably give you quite a clear steer on the future dynamic of the relationship for you?

Oh and all this stuff about age. Yep, it's quite a big age gap but there are no rules here. Increasingly age gaps seem to be less of a problem as society evolves. Age (beyond 18) as Ahliya once said, ain't nothing but a number.

Hi James my experience of when I was with man 3 yrs older and I was was 26yrs old and his ds was 2yrs old....I used to work every weekend to avoid being with them as wasnt my cuppa tea after a few weeks...I didnt want to be a mum to a dc who already had a fantastic mum! I didnt want to fall into being mum for weekend to keep the bf company cause he couldnt go out either! So I would work. I was also fed up as we never had weekends together alone.
I didnt know the bf at first had a dc until the bf told me 6 weeks into seeing him at that time I was smitten (as you are in early days haha). He used to spend most his time crying over how much he missed his ds and this did piss me off....why meet someone else...I tried to convince him to go back with his ex even! He was so jealous when his ex eventually met someone else and the ds 3yrs at time started calling the ex's new bf 'daddy'....well he did see more of the new bf than real dad on weekends only!

It was confusing for the poor boy though....as so young 2 homes...another woman then another man! You must worry about this with your dd too! Why dont you cherish the time you have with your dd as dad as I am guessing you have your dd at weekends?

timehealsall You sound like a really nice guy,you speak wisely and compassionately. It's good too that you have had some space before you have your next relationship.

Good luck,Im sure she is just around the corner...

madonna You sound like a perfect step mum to me, If only they were all like you....

Ha, thanks WillIEver, bit wordy though (I'm clearly a man). Space has been very deliberate (had / have issues to work through) - don't worry fatherhood and life currently very rewarding / fun, not moping for someone new.

Seconded on Madonna too - and Madonna don't sweat it about not instinctively knowing about hob rings or whatever - your DP will not be giving it any thought at all himself - he'll just feel lucky to have found someone who accepts him and makes such effort with him and DD! Good luck to you.

That is a really good post timesheals - I completely agree with your point about communication.

I get so fed up with this attitude 'once you have split up you are not allowed any input into who/what/when/where your ex brings new people into your child's life'

That kind of attitude causes so much unnecessary pain because we can't just switch off worrying about our children, especially when they are young. You should not expect to micromange or control but you should bloody well be told a bit about this person who will be spending time with your child.

I think it is astonishing you haven't met the BF in three years! that sounds really odd and is surely something a child is going to pick up on in years to come. I can't see any justification for that, unless you were going to hit him, but that doesn't sound likely...

Thanks timeheals and WillIEver! Your posts have been really helpful :)

timehealsall I didn't think for one minute you were moping, I just think a guy who thinks like you do is such a catch (we women love a bit of analysis and reflection) . I also think it's great that you can give a male perspective,I do like to hear what men have to say (not too often mind ).

In my earlier post I wrote about my last relationship which lasted 3 years (2 years post) I never got to meet the ex wife. He despised her (bit of a worry that) because she cheated on him. I remember going with him to drop kids off at a service station. He dropped me and my son off on one side of the car park and went over the other side to drop the kids (I could see them in the distance) I felt so humiliated (big row) so maybe he was afraid for us to meet?

time I agree with Spero, can't believe you haven't met BF, not healthy IMO. Your DS will certainly be aware of this and very soon too!

Right, I now seem to have hi-jacked this post and for that I totally apologise, but in for a penny...

So this not meeting new BF in 2 years issue, there are things to consider:

1. A big reason why my ex left me was because I stepped over lines of verbal abuse too often - too often meaning more than once in a blue moon, though clearly that is too much - and was over controlling. When you bear that in mind I think it is understandable that my ex might be very wary of sharing parts of her life with me. After our split I've been doing lots of counselling / exploring including some work with Respect and a big message from that is that when someone was and feels abused it takes time for any kind of trust to be rebuilt, even if the guilty party takes responsibility / apologises and is working to change. I do my best but the inevitable disagreements of trying to practically split apart with a DS, jointly owned house, etc aren't going to help that.

1. New BF also came along very early - seeing as he works in same company as her it's even possible that he was a catalyst before the split in some way. So anyway by ex's own admission when they were getting close she unloaded a lot on him about how she'd been treated - and I doubt very much that any of the good times and good things would have been mentioned. I get the impression this led to a kind of "me Tarzan, you Jane" thing, which in it's own way is quite sweet and not a bad thing. So, again by her own admission, he's quite angry with me and I think possibly that's led to a fear that if he did meet me he'd have things to say, etc, etc. I suspect the boring reality would be that 2 men who don't know each other but have reasons not to be each other's biggest fans would grunt "hello" at each other, and a kind of strained "nice to meet you" and then we'd all get on with our lives but be able to co-incide when needed for DS.

1. My ex is very afraid of conflict. I mean most people are, but in her case I sometimes wonder if it might be a bit extreme. Her parents eloped and got married very young when her Mum got pregnant. Both sets of her grandparents then immediately disowned her parents and while on her Dad's side some of those rifts have healed a little, on her Mum's side to this day it's been dealt with by my ex, her parents and brothers having absolutely no contact with any relations on her Mum's side. This has led to them all being a very self contained unit and within that there never appears to be anything approaching an argument - just, in my experience, an awful lot of tension and passive aggression (e.g. after a few drinks her Mum will frequently publicly criticise her Dad). I'm not saying arguments are a good thing, but I'm also not convinced that dealing with conflict by ignoring it and not mentioning it is totally constructive either. So my best guess, and this is a bit psycho analytical I know, is that my ex has grown up thinking a good way to avoid conflict is to prevent a situation happening where there might be some - like avoiding BF meeting me.

For balance, by the way, I grew up with pretty shouty parents and I think in hindsight got exposed to far too many arguments. Though I love my parents and they are soooo happy now and have been absolutely amazing to me! I'm just determined to learn from that for DS and break that cycle for him - which my ex leaving me has been a very positive step towards because I possibly wouldn't have realised all this without her telling me it was unacceptable and walking out.

Anyway I do agree that perhaps the message being sent out to DS here isn't "text book" good. But I'm sure if ex and BF last some kind of meeting will have to happen at some stage (nativity play, birthday party, etc, etc). And hopefully when that happens it'll be boring and a non event and that will lead to being able to be more constructive.

And if they don't last I'm also sure that her approach in describing me with the next partner will be a little less caught up in post split anger.

Thanks for the kind words though. Here ends my hi-jacked over indulgent post!

Other possible issues - your 2 year old may be very jealous of your girlfriend. Or, your girlfriend may be jealous of your child. If you are sure, introduce them but make sure you spend time alone with each of them as well as all of you being together. FWIW

I think DD could easily cope with (and I hope, enjoy), limited time with me and gf on this basis,

This is meant to be your daughters time with YOU , not with girlfreind . I wouldnt be in too much of a hurry to blend the two .

Feeling like a bad person today. BF told me he's agreed to have his DD for an extra night next week so he will now have her for 6 nights instead of 5.

Great for him and great for her, am happy as I know he's happy. But I have to admit that when he told me, my heart sank a little as it means a whole week that I won't be able to see him :(

Maybe we'll all go to the park together for an afternoon over the weekend but that will be all the time I get with him for 7 days.

I know that sounds selfish and like I'm a bad girlfriend. Just needed a whinge and hoping that someone understands. It's hard sometimes!

Madonna :( Why is it you don't spend time with them together?

I do, but I've only just met her so we're doing it really slowly. Atm I've been spending a day with them during the weekends that he has her but then going back to my house in the evenings.

On week nights he only gets a couple of hours with her between picking her up and her bed time so I don't want to encroach on that time (not yet anyway. Feels too soon). Also, she tends to get up in the middle of the night and get into his bed without him noticing until he wakes up (sneaky :o). So it's not like I can go round there after she's asleep and leave before she gets up or anything.

He's just being a great dad. I can't complain. Just need to be patient I guess. I do feel a bit sulky about the week thing today though even though IABU.

Poor you, madonna :( I totally understand. I used to be in your position, and it's shitty sometimes. However much you try to be adult about it, there's a childish little voice inside saying "Why aren't I important too?"