Is my Dp an Alcoholic??WWYD?

[Billypip]

Hi there,

Dp and I have been together for about 9 years, we have two children, both toddlers. he kids, he will

Dp has always been 'one of the lads' kind of guy, he loves his football, few drinks with the lads etc. Before we had kids, he loved his nights out (so did i) but he would often go out on a sat night and not come home until sunday night, he was always last to leave the party and would stay until the death iykwim.

Anyway, fast forward a few years, he has calmed down loads since having the kids as in he doesnt go out as much but the problem is when he does go out he doesnt come home...He will go out on a sat night and then sunday morning there will be no sign of him, on a good night he will come in at about 1pm sobar, on a bad night he will continue drinking with his mates into the next day and stubble home at about 8pm the next night..(when i type it out here, i realise how bad this is :( )

He will do this maybe once every month/6 weeks. He did it on easter weekend just gone, he went out on friday night and didnt come home until about 2pm the next day, he swore he hadnt been drinking since the night before but i dont believe him, we had a row and i just did my own thing for the rest of the weekend while he moped around the house feeling sorry for himself. So eventually after about 2/3 days we had a chat, he said that once he starts drinking his reasoning goes out the window and he just cant stop/come home. he said he would really try to stop doing it and would stop drinking so much when he goes out (stick to bottles, not pints, no spirits etc) so all was forgiven. He felt really down about it especially not getting to spend easter sunday with the kids (i was so annoyed with him i took them to my bros bbq and didnt invite him)

So last night he was going to a party and he promised he would come home at a reasonable hour. so he strolls in today at 1pm as i was just getting the boys ready for a birthday party. I was kind of short with him but didnt row as kids were around. he asked me if i wanted to get chinese and dvd tonight, i said yeah and i left for party, i get home at about 6pm and he is gone, two cars in drive so i knew he was drinking. A mutual friend of ours happened to ring me, she was out for a few drinks and said dp was there!

We are staying with my mum at the moment (between houses) and im so embarressed. I know she will be annoyed with him aswell..she would never say anything but i knwo she will.

i jut dont knwo what to do. I just hate that he is not here when the kids wake up in the morning. they are young now but in say a years time they will start to realise that is not normal for a dad to stay out all night drinking. if it was just him and i, i wouldnt be as bothered. I just dont want them to see this and i dontwant them to have a bad attitude towards drink.

Dp would never drink mid week or at the weekend if he is not out. it is literally these nights out that worry me :(

We have a very good relationship other than this, he is a great father (besides this) , when he is here he is sooo hands on and adores them.

I just dont knwo what to say to him anymore. Its not like he is a teen or anything, hes 28!!

I am no expert on alcoholism (although have recently ended my marriage because my ex was an alcoholic) but what I would say your DHs problem is that he lacks a back bone.

He obviously has some issues with 'growing up' and being responsible and is putting his gratification for kudos amongst his friends above that of his wife and children.

My own perspective would be that staying out over night is fine if it is for a big do or a celebration and it is planned but just not coming home is not acceptable.

You need to talk to him in a non-confrontational way and ask him why he cannot have the courage of his convictions and come home like most normal people do, if he cannot be responsible for his decision making after a certain amount of drinks he needs to grow a pair and stop drinking before he reaches that point. He should consider setting himself a limit on drinks of a night out and come home after that point.

Also, do you happen to know where he is going and what he is doing all that time? I personally would think that if a married man with kids is staying out to all hours it is just pretty sad and surely his friends/peer group arent all behaving this way. He is destined to become a bit of a laughing stock and the oldest swinger in town at this rate to be honest.

I think if he's not drinking during the week, and only drinking at weekends if he's going out somewhere, that he's not an alcoholic, but clearly you and the children are, at best, numbers 2 and 3 in his list of priorities.

Where is he going for all this time? Where does he sleep? I can't believe he's disappearing for the best part of a weekend, three weeks out of four. It's awful :(

I think, unlike the others, that he DOES have a drink problem. Those all night binges must be very damaging to his liver and he obviously speaks the truth when he says he has no control after a few drinks. Sadly, if that is how he is, then he should not have the first drink. That's tough, but reality. Perhaps he should ask someone at AA.

Your right saggyhairyarse (love the name!) thats exactly what i said to him last time. none of his friends have kids, but i can tell you if they did they wouldnt be staying out all night. He seems to feel kind of hard done by that they all have no responsibilities but he does! It is so immature, we didnt plan our DCs but once i found out i adjusted my life around my kids and i accept that i have to miss some nights out but thats just the way it is when you have kids..

He is usually in his best mates house, they always go back there after night out. I trust him that he is not with anyone, sure i used to be there drinking with them before the kids came along :)

I agree, i sometimes think he is the laughing stock! its embarressing! I mean if he was younger youd accept he is going to take time to adjust to being a parent but hes hitting 30 FFS!!

Sorry x posts with a few of you there,

Mumblechum, i agree, we are definitely not his priority once drink is involved :(

He did say he was going to quit drinking after the bender at easter but i said that i just wanted him to learn to handle his drink and keep control of himself, thats when he said he would cut down but sure he obviously didnt learn a thing, this is his first big night out since then and he has gone again...

dickiedavis, i think what happens is, they all go out, they head back to the house once pubs close, he drinks until he falls asleep on the counch then when he wakes he either comes home or he keeps drinking! its sad :( It usually happens once a month...

There are many patterns to problem drinking, it doesn't have to be every day. My mother would have months between benders of weeks or months. I'd try AlAnon (for families of drinkers) and asdk them for advice. They'll give you some great support anyway.

Unless he drinks every day he is not an alcoholic, alcoholics need drink to survive. Your husband is a binge drinker.

He does have a problem and you need to deal with it, I myself would not be happy being with someone who finds it acceptable to go out and not return until the next day.

Could he be having an affair?

So where is he staying overnight? He must be staying somewhere. Even very late bars and clubs shut down by 4am.

Do you think that maybe it's got more to do with not being able to give up his mad nights and days out and is blaming the booze so he's got an excuse to do as he pleases?

TBH it sounds like he needs to man up but it's not as easy as that.

You might find this hellishly hard to carry out but can you play him at his own game one weekend? Go out with the girls and 'forget' to go home until the following night? It would take a bit of careful planning on your part and you'd have to get your mumto be complicit because he'd probably start panicking and start panicking her if you don't come home but I reckon it might be incredibly effective if he's chasing after the kids wondering why you're not home.

No Fabbychis, i really dont think he is having an affair. I think he literally goes out, heads to mates house and then drinks himself silly! All his friends do it but none of them have families, they all have girlfriends (who would also be out) but none of them have kids.

What can i do to make him see sense?

Dickie, i have thought about doing it but i dont know...I honestly wouldnt even enjoy myself. like i enjoy a night out every few weeks but i like to come home when the pub closes..i hate to waste a day with the kids.

like i have done the not talking to him, ive done the shouting, i left him once and came to stay in my mams for two nights(this had the best affect). what more can i do? :(

I disagree with Fabbychic. You can't define an alcoholic by how frequently they drink. You don't need to drink every day to be an alcoholic. It's got more to do with the impact on your life. e.g. if it affects your health, job, or family, but you still keep drinking, you've got a drink problem.
He put drink before a day that was important to him and his family (Easter in this case) and despite promising to change he hasn't.

He isnt an alcoholic, but he is a selfish git who needs to grow up and realise he has a family and responsibilities towards them, and stop behaving like a single childless bloke.

surely it also costs a lot of money?

I think this will escalate.

"i have done the not talking to him, ive done the shouting, i left him once and came to stay in my mams for two nights(this had the best affect). what more can i do?"

I did all this too, the leaving for a week worked as well for about a year. Ex would disappear on benders for 4 to 5 days at a time having started like yours on overnighters etc.

You can't do anything to make him see sense. Quite simply he is prioritising alcohol and nights out on the piss over his family. Atm he will be making excuses to himself that his kids are not noticing because you are there doing all the practical crap involved with the raising of small kids and protecting them from it and I bet if you were to say to him "what about when the kids are older and start seeing how you carry on" he will say "I will have stopped by then", except he won't . Everything in your posts resonates with me, my own situation was so similar. He didn't stop and we are separated now and I am still protecting my kids from their Dad prioritising drink over them. Cant do that forever though.

Im so annoyed with him right now..who the hell does he think he is? I would never go out and just not come home! i wouldnt do that to my kids. he still hasnt come home! he will prob stumble up the drive in a while.

exactly driveingmissc and it is money we dont have at the moment..

I know so well how you are feeling. How about not letting him in? Tell him to fuck off and carry on drinking with his pathetic mates. Trouble is you have to mean it though and I think things will get worse before you get to that stage.

Thats really scary gingerbread, i say that to him everytime, what about when the kids start to notcie and he always says it will have stopped by then. This isnt the life i want for my kids :(

Dont get me wrong when he is here the kids idolise him! they really do and he is brill with them, everyone comments on how hands on he is, he wouldnt need my help with anything, hed know theyre routines etc but i dont want them fucked up by this..I have a lot to think about :(

I can really sympathise - this was me about 15 yrs ago. This behaviour is so disrespectful towards you and the kids - would you act like this? - hell no!tell him it's not on

Btw billypip see where I am now - read my thread 'relapsed alcoholic dh' it only gets worse sorryx

sorry your going through the same thing overbutnotout, i will read your thread now.

He is home! he just came in and said hi and i kept typing! will not talk to him when he is drunk, i will speak to him tomorrow.

As i said he would never drink mid-week or if we were just sitting in at the weekend but i often wonder what about in a few years from now, you know when he is retired from work and football. he will have nothing to 'not ' drink for..its actually quite funny, if he has an important match over the weekend he will NEVER drink..that is until after the match, its funny how he has so much self control with footy but not with his d and kids :(

God that really actually scared me....

It won't stop. Sorry it just won't. I used to throw ex out for days at a time and he would come back and "be good" for a few weeks then slowly but surely it would escalate again.

What is he like when he is with you? Is he kind to you, does he do his share with regard to domestic stuff and childcare? What is he like with money? Does he prioritise his nights out over family requirements. Not talking about food or anything but have you maybe not had as many family days out as you should or are you kids getting less than they could have because of the money he spends. With my ex it was hard to make that an issue because he was earning a really good wage, however life should have been an awful lot better than it was, we didnt go without but he didn't make us financially secure because of how much he was spending on drink. How does he react when you confront him about his drinking and staying out. Ex used to be aggressive or regretful depending on what time of day you decided to have it out with him.

THe thing is, you can't make another person change his/her behaviour. Particularly an addict. You've clearly tried asking, threatening, ultimatums, the lot, and he is still doing it. So what you have to do is decide whether or not you can put up with it, and if not, make plans to throw him out. He mayh decide to seek help for his drinking, or he may decide that drinking is what matters to him and continue to drink. But you have to start prioritizing yourself and your DC.

Besides this problem we have a really good relationship. we still make eachother laugh, i was having panic attacks for a while after i had ds2 and he was BRILLIANT with me. He is great around the house/with kids. Always encourages me to go out with the girls, he is great with money, he organises out our budget every week, hes very generous, he is a great dad (bar this) as in he is really interested in the kids, he wants to hear all about their day when he gets home, etc, he will always stick up for me with in laws. he really is a great person bar this! when we work out our budget for the week, we take money out for childminder, bills etc then we split whatever is leftover, this week we didnt spilt for some reason, thats where he got the money.

As i said earlier we are staying with my mam at the moment so we do have a bit of extra cash. We are hoping to get mortgage approved this month so we moved home as our lease was up.

I don't know if he's an alcoholic but he definitely seems to have a problem with a) knowing how much is too much and b) prioritising his family over alcohol.

I will tell you this though. Comments like "one of the lads", "always the last to leave the party" and "he said he would ... stick to bottles, not pints, no spirits" ring some fairly big alarm bells for me these days. I used to go to Al-Anon a lot as my ex is an alcoholic. In Al-Anon I heard those same things said about nearly all of the people with alcohol problems.

My best guess? If your DP isn't an alcoholic today, just give it a few more years of this. He will be.

The thing with alcohol problems is that you can't stop someone drinking if they really want to. All you can do is draw a line in the sand over what you feel is acceptable behaviour and to then be serious about it if and when that line is transgressed.