Is my Dp an Alcoholic??WWYD?

[Billypip]

Hi there,

Dp and I have been together for about 9 years, we have two children, both toddlers. he kids, he will

Dp has always been 'one of the lads' kind of guy, he loves his football, few drinks with the lads etc. Before we had kids, he loved his nights out (so did i) but he would often go out on a sat night and not come home until sunday night, he was always last to leave the party and would stay until the death iykwim.

Anyway, fast forward a few years, he has calmed down loads since having the kids as in he doesnt go out as much but the problem is when he does go out he doesnt come home...He will go out on a sat night and then sunday morning there will be no sign of him, on a good night he will come in at about 1pm sobar, on a bad night he will continue drinking with his mates into the next day and stubble home at about 8pm the next night..(when i type it out here, i realise how bad this is :( )

He will do this maybe once every month/6 weeks. He did it on easter weekend just gone, he went out on friday night and didnt come home until about 2pm the next day, he swore he hadnt been drinking since the night before but i dont believe him, we had a row and i just did my own thing for the rest of the weekend while he moped around the house feeling sorry for himself. So eventually after about 2/3 days we had a chat, he said that once he starts drinking his reasoning goes out the window and he just cant stop/come home. he said he would really try to stop doing it and would stop drinking so much when he goes out (stick to bottles, not pints, no spirits etc) so all was forgiven. He felt really down about it especially not getting to spend easter sunday with the kids (i was so annoyed with him i took them to my bros bbq and didnt invite him)

So last night he was going to a party and he promised he would come home at a reasonable hour. so he strolls in today at 1pm as i was just getting the boys ready for a birthday party. I was kind of short with him but didnt row as kids were around. he asked me if i wanted to get chinese and dvd tonight, i said yeah and i left for party, i get home at about 6pm and he is gone, two cars in drive so i knew he was drinking. A mutual friend of ours happened to ring me, she was out for a few drinks and said dp was there!

We are staying with my mum at the moment (between houses) and im so embarressed. I know she will be annoyed with him aswell..she would never say anything but i knwo she will.

i jut dont knwo what to do. I just hate that he is not here when the kids wake up in the morning. they are young now but in say a years time they will start to realise that is not normal for a dad to stay out all night drinking. if it was just him and i, i wouldnt be as bothered. I just dont want them to see this and i dontwant them to have a bad attitude towards drink.

Dp would never drink mid week or at the weekend if he is not out. it is literally these nights out that worry me :(

We have a very good relationship other than this, he is a great father (besides this) , when he is here he is sooo hands on and adores them.

I just dont knwo what to say to him anymore. Its not like he is a teen or anything, hes 28!!

Now I do like a drop of the hard stuff every now and then, and in my youth have put away the odd bottle or so on social occasions, when not driving of course, and when we could afford it (those were the days!). I'm a big lady and I can put away a fair bit without noticeable effects. Were somebody to tell me that, for health reasons perhaps, I must give up alcohol for ever I would certainly be regretful, but not deeply upset; it is an occasional treat, not a part of my life. OK, that's just me, and I quite understand that it is not that way for everyone. For some people, who are by no means rare or freaky, "you can never touch alcohol again" would be a dreadful sentence, like "you will never walk again" or "you have to keep one eye closed for ever or it will fall out". Even where it is not a physical dependence it can be a deeply ingrained habit which takes one hell of a lot of training out, and there's (stupid, misguided) peer pressure which is a lot harder to resist for some than others, depending on a whole load of factors. Understandable. Completely.

What I really can't get my head round is why it should be so unreasonable for someone who is not alcohol dependent to say to another person who is not alcohol dependent that she would like him not to drink alcohol on a night out. Surely all he has to do is, er, not drink alcohol, how difficult is that? You say "why shouldn't he", but then again "why should he"? What is he missing out on? Nothing at all except the alcohol itself. He is going out to a pub where they sell all sorts of jolly drinks you can't get at home, to socialise with mates who will also be drinking various of those jolly drinks, one of them at least almost certainly on the soft ones because it's his/her turn to drive. Given that the DH in question doesn't seem able to have a comfortable relationship with a couple of pints, but instead goes AWOL and passes out for the weekend, it would seem perfectly reasonable to ask him to bypass that one aspect which spoils not only his evening out (how does he even know he's enjoying himself if he's so sozzled?) but the next day at the very least, sometimes the day after, wasting whole weekends of precious family time.

Not drinking should not be a big deal. I cannot understand why, if the guy is not in some way dependent on alcohol (let us by all means be sparing with the label), it is a problem for him to drink something else, when the consequences of not doing so are so unpleasant. He likes it, but the results are undesirable. End of, surely? If not, why not?

Look, I haven't even mentioned what binge drinking does to the liver, how restrained of me.

Certainly some people do love to slap labels on difference and shove everybody else off to support groups and outside interventions when it may not be necessary.
B-Bird, I think you are confusing Al Anon (support for people who have an alcoholic in the household) with AA (support group for people who are themselves alcoholics and trying to stop drinking). The latter has a moderate success rate ie it works very well for some people and not at all for others.

WRT the OP's H and his drinking, it's problem drinking in that it's distressing his family, he doesn't seem entirely in control of it (ie he says he won't get plastered but then he does, he is breaking arrangments made and disappearing regularly). He also seems to be struggling with it himself - if he said to the OP every 6 weeks or so 'I'm going to a party and staying overnight' and stuck to the arrangment that would be OK - it;s the way that he is promising not to do it and thedn being unable to stop that suggests a problem.
Still, the OP can't change his behaviour, she can only change her reaction to it.

AA does not have a 'moderate' success rate, sgb. In all comparative studies it does worse than the control group. It just has very loud proof-by-anecdote merchants who get a good press.

stinkin-thinkin.com/neverending-thread/

Oops

www.orange-papers.org/orange-effectiveness.html

PBR: Have seen those links before, they are well into tinfoil-hat territory. AA works for some people, other methods work better for other people and some alcoholics just won't stop drinking till they die.

He's probably not an alcoholic, but I'd say he's starting on the path to it. Better to deal with now, before it gets anymore difficult. How about a compromise? You say you like a drink or two yourself, how about you hire a babysitter (or ask your mum nicely) and go with him on one of the nights out. Say you're tired and stressed and would like some wine, so could he stay sober and drive you back home. Use the opportunity to gauge his reaction during the evening (I'm not suggesting a bender btw just time for one or two drinks). Is he visibly upset, or anxious about not having drink in his hand when other people do? Does he suggest that maybe you can find a way around him not drinking (i.e. a taxi etc) ?

It could be that the reason he has to drink in the first place is a bit of social anxiety- some people can't function in a group without alcohol, and that he simply can't stop when he gets started.

Or you could simply ask him not drink at all for six weeks. It's not a huge amount of time (people do it for Lent all the time) but if he can't manage it at all, then you can use it as an indicator to show him that he has a problem with managing himself, and might need professional help

Are those links rubbish, sgb? I found them sort of believeable but I know that I tend to get carried away in whichever side of the debate (any debate - which party to vote for, global warming etc. I seem to agree with the last thing that I have read. Which must be why last minute general election canvassing is so important) I have just read. I don't know what to believe. How does one check?

Actually I re-read the link (and I think it is not as mental as another one someone once cited on here, which started out well and then started sort of insisting that AA was run by the Illuminati). There is certainly some logic in regarding successful followers of AA as being in fact subject to Murphy's Law - what you find is in the last place you look ie the treatment programme that works may well be the one you get to once you have already decided to stop drinking (rather than the one you got persuaded to go to by someone else when yo uwere not ready to stop drinking). And though I have never attended an AA meeting, from what I have heard about them the 'higher power' bit and the insistence on public humliation have always seemed to me to be stuff that will be harmful rather than helpful for a fair percentage of people.

But if the data/research cited in those links is true (that AA actually has a much higher rate of alcoholics restarting drinking than almost anything else) then surely AA should be shut down or at least not recommended by the medical profession or mandated by the courts. I suppose that's the trouble with religions, they have a nasty knack of getting the power structures on their side.

Interesting discussion on AA, it definitely isn't going to 'work' for everybody, and there is no magic wand which will stop someone drinking if they really don't want to. For someone looking for help it is worth trying a few sessions I would say, because something might just click, something somebody says may just ring true, hit home, etc. As Al Anon works on the same steps and principles, I have a bit of insight, and I must say there is no insistence on public humiliation - you can sit and not say a word (other than your name) if you do not wish to. The person I know who has been sober for many years on the AA programme is not religious at all, so it is not a requirement, though I would think it probably helps.
I firmly believe alcoholism and other addictions are illnesses, although they have elements of 'choice' too.

I am a devout aetheist and I found Al Anon very very valuable. The higher power can be interpreted however a person wants--I feel it is within me, my core values, my soul, it is my instincts really (and I had to learn to trust them again, and stop denying them).

I sat and cried for my first 3 sessions and said nothing at all-they passed me tissues and coffee and let me sit and listen.

I know 2 people for who AA works- 1 has been going for 15 years, other for about 40 years. They are both important to me and so I am thankful for AA (neither of them are religious)

If AA works for you, fine. But I think the problem a lot of people have with it is that it is often touted as the only way, and if even half of the studies cited on those links are true, then it is a very bad thing indeed that people are being compelled by the courts to attend AA (rather than any other treatment programme). It certainly doesn't work for everyone. And I think probably the most truthful and important thing said in those links is - drinkers will stop drinking when they are ready. And some of them will do so without higher power and meetings and all the rest of it. (I remember a poster on here worrying about her drinking, deciding to stop, and having a hell of a time with people iinsisting that she attend AA when in fact it wasn't at all convenient for her to do so. Group therapy deosn't work for some people - a friend of mine had it (not for addictions) and it made her worse, she was bullied by the rest of the group for being 'too clever'.

Tambern - "He's probably not an alcoholic, but I'd say he's starting on the path to it"
That is just a complete and utter guess work on your part, a totally subjective argument presented almost as fact. You are being irresponsible and unfair to the OP - by unnecessarily panicking her - by posting such broad, sweeping statements when you have never even met this guy.

bbird1 which is why I used probably, and not 'he's definitely.' It is clear and evident that someone who makes and breaks promises when it comes to alcohol usage, and cannot control himself sufficiently to say no after a certain amount, has an alcohol problem.

It doesn't mean they're an alcoholic. It does mean they might want to explore exactly why they drink so much. If you'd read the rest of my post you'd have noticed I gave some suggestions

Well Tambern, my own guess is that based on the law of averages, he is 'probably' not on the path to alcoholism.

I think it's odd to pick on Tambern when she/he was making some very moderate suggestions compared with other posters! Alcoholic/problem drinker, there's not much in it really. It's a very fuzzy line.

www.drinkaware.co.uk/facts/binge-drinking

facts and sources of support that are not AA at that link