Is my Dp an Alcoholic??WWYD?

[Billypip]

Hi there,

Dp and I have been together for about 9 years, we have two children, both toddlers. he kids, he will

Dp has always been 'one of the lads' kind of guy, he loves his football, few drinks with the lads etc. Before we had kids, he loved his nights out (so did i) but he would often go out on a sat night and not come home until sunday night, he was always last to leave the party and would stay until the death iykwim.

Anyway, fast forward a few years, he has calmed down loads since having the kids as in he doesnt go out as much but the problem is when he does go out he doesnt come home...He will go out on a sat night and then sunday morning there will be no sign of him, on a good night he will come in at about 1pm sobar, on a bad night he will continue drinking with his mates into the next day and stubble home at about 8pm the next night..(when i type it out here, i realise how bad this is :( )

He will do this maybe once every month/6 weeks. He did it on easter weekend just gone, he went out on friday night and didnt come home until about 2pm the next day, he swore he hadnt been drinking since the night before but i dont believe him, we had a row and i just did my own thing for the rest of the weekend while he moped around the house feeling sorry for himself. So eventually after about 2/3 days we had a chat, he said that once he starts drinking his reasoning goes out the window and he just cant stop/come home. he said he would really try to stop doing it and would stop drinking so much when he goes out (stick to bottles, not pints, no spirits etc) so all was forgiven. He felt really down about it especially not getting to spend easter sunday with the kids (i was so annoyed with him i took them to my bros bbq and didnt invite him)

So last night he was going to a party and he promised he would come home at a reasonable hour. so he strolls in today at 1pm as i was just getting the boys ready for a birthday party. I was kind of short with him but didnt row as kids were around. he asked me if i wanted to get chinese and dvd tonight, i said yeah and i left for party, i get home at about 6pm and he is gone, two cars in drive so i knew he was drinking. A mutual friend of ours happened to ring me, she was out for a few drinks and said dp was there!

We are staying with my mum at the moment (between houses) and im so embarressed. I know she will be annoyed with him aswell..she would never say anything but i knwo she will.

i jut dont knwo what to do. I just hate that he is not here when the kids wake up in the morning. they are young now but in say a years time they will start to realise that is not normal for a dad to stay out all night drinking. if it was just him and i, i wouldnt be as bothered. I just dont want them to see this and i dontwant them to have a bad attitude towards drink.

Dp would never drink mid week or at the weekend if he is not out. it is literally these nights out that worry me :(

We have a very good relationship other than this, he is a great father (besides this) , when he is here he is sooo hands on and adores them.

I just dont knwo what to say to him anymore. Its not like he is a teen or anything, hes 28!!

My dh and I have been together for 25 yrs - he started out just like your H. The thing is some people think that they have the right to let their hair down every so often because "life is so bloody hard and they deserve a bit of fun". These often 'lovely'people become addicts(drink/drugs/sex/gambling my H has had all of these) and are tiresome to live with. Life becomes all about them. A relationship should be about two people and not one .

You write as well he is a "great dad"; he patently is not if he is bingeing like this. He is putting alcohol before you and your children.

I would also state that some women usually write the "great/good dad" comment also because they themselves have nothing else positive to write about their man.

More to the point what do you now feel about him?. You do not write anything about your own feelings towards him in terms of actually loving him.

You are NOT responsible for him at the end of the day; it is his problem to sort and he may well ultimately not choose to address his drinking issues ever. There are no guarantees here when it comes to alcoholism; he could end up losing everything and still drink. Alcoholics do not have to drink everyday to have a drink problem.

SCGB is right when she states that you cannot change another person's behaviour.

You need to remember the 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did NOT cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

I would talk to Al-anon as his drinking is and has affected your whole relationship.

Hi Billypip,

re an earlier comment:-.

"He did say he was going to quit drinking after the bender at easter but i said that i just wanted him to learn to handle his drink and keep control of himself, thats when he said he would cut down but sure he obviously didnt learn a thing"

I am sorry but you could not have expected any other outcome from him really. Words are cheap and they all promise much; its actions that count here however. He has not done anything to address his drinking issues and he won't partly because you are still there propping him up. Where are the consequences for his actions from you?.

How is he exactly going to learn how to control his drinking?. He cannot learn how to handle his drink or control his drinking; this is just not within him as a person because he has a drink problem. If he is indeed an alcoholic he should not be drinking alcohol at all.

Unless he himself addresses properly why he gets himself into such a state every 4-6 weeks then this ultimately destructive cycle of his will continue and you will all get dragged down by him. You cannot make him seek help for his alcohol problem; he has to want to do that for his own self and it is clear at present he does not think he has a problem. You are also putting up with it and he is full of denial.

You can only help your own self here and talking to Al-anon will be a good start for you.

Very good site here for living with a problem drinker (not al-anon)
bottled-up.memberlodge.com/

bottled-up.memberlodge.com/

www.allbusiness.com/health-care-social-assistance/449793-1.html

Alcoholic my fucking arse. What is it with this site? Why are people obsessed with putting people into boxes like 'depressed', 'alcoholic', 'abuser' and so on? It might make you feel clever but it does little to help the OP.
Read the OP ffs. Listen to what this woman is saying. He goes on a bender every few weeks. Otherwise he sounds like a decent father (as OP's friends have commented) and husband. But that's not enough for posters on this site; they have to start attaching labels to people.
OP if you are reading this, ask yourself this: is he a good husband and a nice person apart from the odd bender? Is he a good dad? Also, consider this: when his mates marry off and start having kids of their own, your hub will also settle down more. The idea of going to AA for somebody who likes to get wasted once in a while is, frankly, laughable.

Ah, bbird1, you're the one who was standing up for the H's right to drink drive on that other thread. You seem to have a bit of a... thing about defending alcohol misuse.

The OP's DH disappears for days at a time, with a young family; he says he "can't" stop at just a few. That is someone with a problem relationship with alcohol, however you choose to label it. Most people can surely go out and have a good time with their mates without touching a drop of the hard stuff; or, if not driving home, down three or four pints and a bag of chips over the course of the evening. They don't turn up wasted after 36 hours. If this is a good husband and father, surely it's more important that he shouldn't ruin his health just because he's got a faulty trigger in his psyche that forgets to say "that's enough"? Some miserable bastard can drink himself to death and do us all a favour, but this isn't that sort of situation.

I wouldn't say that he is an alcoholic. However I do think that unless he stops this behaviour, it may well escalate to alcoholism. He does seem to have a problem with controlling his drinking once he starts. That is one of the many symptoms of alcoholism. That is why the AA advocate not picking up the first drink. Imagine if you went out for the night & didn't come back until the next day. How would he react to that? Have you asked him.

Er bbird1, I think you will find the majority of responses on this thread echo your own, ie he is not an alcoholic and also ask the same questions as you do about what kind of a man he is otherwise. Most managed not to be quite so aggressive as yourself though.

Aggression not intended Gingerbeerandcreambuns and sorry if I came across that way...it just seems there is a total and utter misunderstanding of working class drinking culture on this site.
Anniegetyourgun - pls dont get me started on the drink driver again.

bbird - This 'working class drinking culture' - that would be like my aunty having a port & lemon or a large schooner of sherry, then dancing with her next door neighbour and getting a bit unnecessary would it? Thought not. Your idea of 'working class' seems a bit partial. It has not been usual, historically, for working class women to ignore their children all weekend while they went on the lash with their mates.

Hi billypip, I see both sides of this and do think some posters jump to conclusions about the descent into alcoholism being the only possible outcome of this...I am sure it is not, but there are warning signs. The thing is nobody can really advise you on this as it is you and your family who are being affected, and not anyone else. I am currently separated from dh who is on his absolutely last chance to stop drinking totally, as he has no control when he has one drink. He has in the past been on benders like you say and not come home, usually having gone out after work. In his case it has got worse and worse, but that doesn't mean yours won't 'grow up' as other posters have said, e.g. when his mates settle down too. The best hope would be that he could become more organised and considerate about it, do this less frequently, and let you know in advance that he won't be coming home. I can see it being tricky and causing arguments though. It is up to you to set boundaries and decide what you are going to put up with.

Hi guys,

Sorry i havent been back on all day to update, i was working and then busy with kids.

Thank you all so much for your advice.

Attillathemeerkat, youve given me some good advice but i just want to say i said he is a 'good dad' but i also pointed out loads of other great traits of his, it is not just because i have nothing good to say about him! I have given many examples the good in him, he is a great man in many ways, he just has a problem with drink and once he starts he looses any respect he has for me and his children.

I agree i should have never said to him that i didnt want him to quit drinking, i just thought if he could learn to control his drinking that would change things but i was wrong, he will never be able to control his drinking. Its hard for me to understand because i dont have that mentality, when i go out for a few drinks, i stop when i feel i have had enough, he doesnt get this, he will drink until he cant drink anymore! Ive had many a drunken night out, only two weeks ago we both went to a party (mil had the kids overnight) and didnt get home until 8am! so i do understand that when your out and having a laugh you do want to stay out until the death but his problem is he will then drink into the next day.

Thank you minorroad, i will have a look at those sites now

bbird, thank you i do get what your saying and i agree with you to a certain point. He is a good person, everyone has their faults and he is a great father and partner BUT im just afraid that this will escalate and it will start to happen every two weeks then every weekend etc..My main fear is also that in a few months tiime ds1 will be old enough to question why his daddy hasnt come home from a night out, the kids would never see him drunk now but they could in a few years time when they are staying up later. They will start to question why their friends dads dont stay out all night but theirs does...but i totally get what your saying, my best friend has the same attitude towards it, she thinks he is a great guy and father that fucks up every so often!

Thank you all for your advice i really do love hearing it and its great to hear all the different opinions.

So, i came up to bed last night and he was sprawled out asleep across the bed, i didnt even bother trying to move him, i just got into bed (or should i say into cot!) with ds1, he has a really big cot and im really small! I enjoyed the cuddle with him, slept in this morn so barely spoke to dp, we just ran around getting the kids ready for CMs and headed out to work.

When i got home from the CMs with the kids he was here, he said the usual 'im sorry, i feel so bad blah blah' I just basically told him i didnt want him staying here, i needed to think things through and told him to stay in his mams, he has promised me he is going to give up drinking..im not holding my breath but its worth a try. He BEGGED me not to kick him out to his mums but i insisted. Im not going to leave him but i need to give him a fright. He really does love the kids and he had tears in his eyes leaving. I dont knwo why, hes only a few doors down and the kids are in bed anyway! I think its just the idea of leaving them..

I know it is going to be hard for him to give up. I drink but would gladly stop if it helped him to kick it...

yes- this is alcoholic behaviour. You do not have to drink every day to be an alcoholic.

the alcohol is controlling his behaviour. His behaviour is unreasonable and upsets you. If he were not an alcoholic, he would stop drinking in this pattern where he stays out all night. If alcohol is his priority over his family then he is an alcoholic.

I think you should contact Al-Anon

Totally agree with bejeezus - defo alcoholic behaviour. Any of us poor middle-aged cows with an alcoholic for a H will agree. This is just the honeymoon I'm afraid. Do something now that I should have done 20 yrs ago & tell him this has to stop. Thing is you'll have to carry through any threats you make otherwise it's pointless.

so tell me, bejeezus - what is the success rate of that sect that goes under the name of Al-Anon? And be honest now...

Al-Anon provides support for families of alcoholics. There is no "success rate" as such.

Sounds to me like he is probably having a cheeky sniff of some drugs with his friends and doesn't want to admit it to you so says it is all drinking. How else could he stay awake all night, and it explains him being so tired and on the Sunday night, and not wanting to come home too early.

I would argue he is not a "good dad" primarily because he is continuing to put alcohol before you and his children and losing respect for all of you once the drink takes over.

You did not seem to write anything about your own feelings emotionally speaking towards him now. His behaviour re alcohol is affecting your quality of life with this man and his continuing drink issues could go onto completely overshadow any good or redeeming qualities about him. Your children will pick up on all this if they haven't already done so.

Al-anon's aim is to help family members of problem drinkers. It may well help you to talk to them. They are certainly not a sect.

Alcoholism is a family disease; it does not just affect the alcoholic.

HI billypip,

Re this earlier comment of yours to another poster:-

"They will start to question why their friends dads dont stay out all night but theirs does...but i totally get what your saying, my best friend has the same attitude towards it, she thinks he is a great guy and father that fucks up every so often!"

I would agree with you re the first part; they will come to notice that their friend's dads' do not behave the same as their dad does. They may well eventually not want to bring their friends home after school or on the weekend because of their Dad.

Your best friend has every right to her opinion but she unlike you is not in a relationship with him. She does not have to continually live with the fallout that you end up dealing with everytime he comes in late only for him to disappear to drink again some hours later (as happened in your initial post). If she did, she would perhaps think differently.

bbird- i have no idea what the success rate of Al-Anon is- what would you class as 'success' for a support group anyway? I just know I found their support to be a bit of a life line in helping to make sense of my own situation and gave me the strength to figure out what I needed to do.

I missed the class reference earlier- I am working class born and raised- and it is complete rollocks that this pattern of drinking in a 30 year old odd family man is typical working class drinking culture. Its pretty insulting to suggest it is IMO

My dear brother started off like this and it escalated pretty quickly into total alcohol dependence. He never drank every day, not even every week and sometimes not even every month. But when he did, more often than not, it would end in tears and more. So he stopped and it wasn't easy.

It destroyed his relationship because his girlfriend wouldn't tolerate the lost weekends any longer. I'm surprised posters are defending his behaviour - if it was the other way round and the mother was doing it?? He's chosen to be a father and his behaviour is unacceptable, sexist and boorish.

Someone who finds it hard to stop drinking once they start has a problem. A big one. It may not be alcoholism now but the chances are ...agree with Snorbs. And he should have more respect for your mother OP (and of course for you!) - he sounds like a little boy so perhaps you should treat him like one.

OP, just read your last post - well done, you are strong and have done exactly the right thing. This is the best thing to have done if you want him to change his behaviour. Hope he sees sense....