Just had my Narc Mother to stay for the weekend <frazzled>

[DrNortherner]

Any other Narc offsprings care to lend an ear?

She came up for the funeral of MIL's partner. (My Mum never misses the opportunity of a funeral). She reminded everyone she spoke to at the funeral, that she buried her husband only 2 years ago, and how hard it's been for her. I heard her tell my SIL she came to the funeral to support me Well, some support when my own Father died would have been nice thanks.

She eats the food we cook, she never helps, she doesn't even clear her plate, just wanders innto the other room to watch TV. She talks only about herself, and her life. If conversation is about other people she stares into space and does not involve herself. Then turns on the water works as 'people are ignoring her'

Dh and her do not like each other, so I am trying to keep the peace. It is a minefield. I drove her to the station and got no word of thanks for dropping her off, for having her to stay, for sorting out her tickets on line. Nothing.

She has moaned all weekend about her family, her friends. MIL actually told her for being mean about one of her friend, and said it was an afwul thing to say and she should be ashamed. My Mother stopped dead in her tracks. NO one ever says this to her....

I just know that tomorrow when I call her there will be tears, she will be upset and play the victim.

I have a duty to her as my Mother, but I get nothing from her at all. Dh is alraedy saying he doesn't want her here at Christmas and I am stressing about it already.

hows the hoo ha about moving from last time?
i dont see why you need to have her for xmas when she is so greedy idle and selfish

im on team dh ( cest moi btw)

my mum slags off my dad a lot. we stop her now every time. I say " that doesnt make you sound nice"
shes MORTIFIED by that

I dont know what to say DrN sounds like you have had a hellova weekend.

Are you an only child? Sorry, cant remember backstory - although I do remember the bit about your mum being self absorbed.

While you feel you have a duty as a daughter - your mother has a duty to you too. Try not to feel guilt for how you feel. your feelings are valid.

Have you had my mother to stay???

Exactly the same talks about herself all the time, if you try and change the subject she just talks over you or watches tv.
Eats dinner, moans a bit about it, then leaves table.

We make her stay in a hotel now, tis much easier.

Hello you

The moving hoo ha has not been mentioned by her since. I'm sure she'll bring it up again.

If I don't invite her for CHristmas I'm not sure whet she'll do. I have no siblings. She should not be alone at Christmas

She has 5 sisters, and my Gran (her mother) is still alive, but they don't want her either so never offer. They will offer I'm sure, but only if I make it clear we don't want her......

No personal experience but my DSD is just realising her mum is a narc. She finds it very draining.

Thanks guys for the sympathy. It helps. She is truly draining.

I cooked Sunday lunch today and invited MIL. MIL asked me about work, I answered. Mother glazed over. I talked about problems I am having with twat boss. My Mother pipes up about her 'swine' of a boss (she works 2 aft's a week as a volunteer in a charity shop), so then it was back to her again.....

My salt shaker is broken so she had to use the big plasticy thing the salt comes in, she tipped too much in her hand. She sprinkled some on her lunch and was left with a hand full of salt. She was sat next to me, she she offered me her hand saying 'what should I do with this. I said 'go in the kitchen and out in in the bin' (if my Dad was alive he would have taken if from her hand and got rid of it for her) I thought I am not taking salt from your hands you lazy cow. So, as she couldn't be arsed to move, she put more on her lunch and put the rest on the place mat.

I like 'that doesn't make you sound nice' will use that.

Her friend has a grown up son with SN. She was slagging her 'friend' off saying she never bothers with him and doesn't care about him.

She slagged off her cousin for not visiting his Mothers grave since she dies 6 months ago. How she has no idea he has never visited the grave I have no idea....and so waht if he hasn't? We all know he adored his mother. The stuff she says is hurtful.

Don't call her tomorrow. If she wants to talk to you, she can call you, you can then choose to answer.

You have more than 6m to plan for christmas. This year DrNortherner, you are going away for Christmas! Yes you are!!!

Break this endless chain of thanklessness. You won't get a medal at the end of this. That woman has to reap what she has sown.

What a nasty, lazy entitled cow, the salt on the place mat is appalling, I'd not have taken that from my 5yo let alone a grown woman.

After dinner last night, dh and I were clearing, she got up (leaving her plate and hre chair out) wandered into the kitchen and said 'Where are those cakes, I'll have one' Got a cake, walked past the dinner table that was full of stuff to be cleared and went into the living room and sat down.

Dh was furious.

I then spend time trying to calm him down.

I don't see that you do have a 'duty' to her at all - if anything, she has a duty to you as your mother.

right then! YOU have to toughen up! You dont have to be nasty, but you do have to be forthright with your Mother. She behaves the way she does because she gets away with it.

you cannot control the way she behaves, but you CAN alter the way that you react to it.

So, when she said about the cakes you say "Mum, can you give me a hand to clear the table please then we can all have some cake"

When she starts being nasty about a relative/friend you say "That doesnt make you sound very nice Mum"

You see, it is about how you react that can make a difference to the weekend. Believe me, after years of steaming silently, shouting and arguing I now have ways to react or rather NOT react around my mum. Not saying it is easy, but with practice it gets easier to do.

(wee hug from me)

We seem to have the same mother.

Mum phoned the other day and asked me how I was but she literally started monologuing about her work. She didn't wait or want an answer.

Well, I had a restless night sleep, and had a really vivid dream about the sky falling in. Just googled this and it indicates huge stress in ones life. That figures

Chatted to the girls at work, they know what she is like and teh general concencus is not to call her this evening. But I know I will

It has occurred to me, I try to do stuff to make her happy. When she is happy I feel happy, and relaxed. When she is angry/sad/upset I feel totally to blame and anxious to make her happy again, and it seems I am happy to let her treat me in a way I wouldn't tolerate from anyone else

How about... NOT calling her tonight, though? Presumably she's got one of those telephones that you can make calls on as well as receiving them.

Clearly some bloody fool, at some formative point in your childhood, told you that you owe your mother a debt that can never be repaid, for giving you the gift of life. It ain't so. I'm a mother and I like to be adored and spoiled by my offspring, but really, they don't owe me a bean. I had them for my satisfaction, not theirs, and then they grew up and got lives, as indeed they should. DS1 called me yesterday for the first time in a few weeks, to give me his new phone number. I adore that boy and I think he is probably quite fond of me, but we don't live in each other's pockets.

Dr N,

Please reread the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and have counselling for your own self regarding this dysfunctional non relationship with your mother. You do not have to seek her approval any more although you have been well trained by this woman to do exactly that hence your returning for more abuse at her hands. You are deep in the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt.

You probably still think in the deep recesses of your mind that one day she is going to wake up and think, "ooh I have treated my own flesh and blood daughter Dr N with contempt and I should truly say sorry to her". It is NOT going to happen (hey we're 4 years on from the time my narcissist BIL decided to cut us off thankfully!). These people are a complete and utter nightmare to work with. Anyone who has them as family has my complete and utter sympathies.

Sorry is not a word that is in a narcissist's vocab nor for that matter is the word love. These such people have made the terrible choice not to love.
You are her narc supply and all that she has done and continues to do is typical narcissist behaviour. You cannot go on like this Dr N; she will drive you into the ground.

And yes, you should go on holiday for Christmas.

You actually need to cut her out of your life and I never write that at all lightly.

It is not your fault your mother is this way, you did not make her into such an inherently damaged person. Her own family did that (what do you know about her childhood by the way?).

Hi Dr N

From another website that I have found helpful when having any dealings whatsoever with my dysfunctional ILs.

"Narcissists are so much trouble that only people with special prior training (i.e., who were raised by narcissists) get seriously involved with them. Sometimes narcissists' children become narcissists, too, but this is by no means inevitable, provided stable love was given by someone, such as the non-narcissist parent or grandparents. Beyond that, a happy marriage will heal many old wounds for the narcissist's child. But, even though children of narcissists don't automatically become narcissists themselves and can survive with enough intact psychically to lead happy and productive lives away from their narcissistic parents, because we all love our parents whether they can love us back or not, children of narcissists are kind of bent "You can't get blood out of a stone," but children of narcissists keep trying, as if by bonding with new narcissists we could somehow cure our narcissistic parents by finding the key to their heart. Thus, we've been trained to keep loving people who can't love us back, and we will often tolerate or actively work to maintain connections with narcissistic individuals whom others, lacking our special training, find alienating and repellent from first contact, setting ourselves up to be hurt yet again in the same old way. Once narcissists know that you care for them, they'll suck you dry demand all your time, be more work than a newborn babe -- and they'll test your love by outrageous demands and power moves. In their world, love is a weakness and saying "I love you" is asking to be hurt, so be careful: they'll hurt you out of a sort of sacred duty. They can't or won't trust, so they will test your total devotion. If you won't submit to their tyranny, then you will be discarded as "no good," "a waste of time," "you don't really love me or you'd do whatever I ask," "I give up on you." (Note: In many instances, narcissists' demands are not only outrageous but also impossible to fulfill even if you want to please them. Plus if you actually want to do what they want you to do, that would be too much like sharing, so they won't want it anymore.)

If you've had a narcissist for a parent, you are probably not afraid of dying and going to hell -- you have lived hell on Earth. Narcissists cannot be satisfied and do a tremendous amount of damage to their children and partners in their relentless demand for a perfect outer appearance to reflect the perfect inner image that obsesses them".

"It has occurred to me, I try to do stuff to make her happy. When she is happy I feel happy, and relaxed. When she is angry/sad/upset I feel totally to blame and anxious to make her happy again, and it seems I am happy to let her treat me in a way I wouldn't tolerate from anyone else"

Change the she's to 'he's and you could be talking about any one of us on the NPD/Abusive Partner thread.

Would ANYONE tell any one of US to put up with this?

I've lived like this with my X, it's a horrific way to live. I truly know hell would be a better place than living with him.

Please STOP pandering to your mother, reclaim your life and FGS check into out Stately Homes thread to get all the support and advice you desperately need.

You can't live like this, you can't expose your DC to this and you have to break free from this tyranny.

This site might be worth a read OP...

www.wmeades.com/id211.htm

I've no other advice...no contact is my preferred way of dealing with such people.

Thanks for all your posts. It all makes sense. I am indeed in the FOG.

Visiting the Statley Home thread seems so wrong. I was not abused, quite the opposite, she was way over protective, almost smothering. For years after leaving home I had to call her every day, if I was going out and forgot to tell her there'd be hysterics from her end 'worrying' about me.

I can not, and will not cut her off. For me that is not an option. Not judging anyone who does, but I can't do that.

Atilla you ask what I know about her childhood? Her Mother is still alive and they have never had a good relationship. She still sobs and cries at family events that my Gran favours her sisters over her. She always moans about each and every one of her 5 sisters. She has had feuds with nearly all of them, and her Mother that have lasted years. Cue depression, wailing, no one supports her etc etc. My Dad wanted her to seek counselling on many ocassions. She never did. She is the 2nd eldest of 6 girls. Her elder sister was prettier/cleverer/more successful and she felt she never compared. She was close to her Father who died in his early 50's. She struggled at school, was not very bright. Only had 1 job which she gave up when she married my Dad. Then she didn't work for years and years......if she applied for a job and didn't get it she would cry for days saying they had knocked her confidence.

Her favourite phrases are 'they've kicked me in the teeth' or 'I broke down in the supermarket' She makes constant references to my Dad's death, which was 2 years ago. She knows I adored that man, and him me, when she mentions it it's always in a negative way 'I know you loved your dad more than me. How do you think that makes me feel?'

When ever challenged she will wail and tell me I am all she has, she loves me more than anything, she would never upset me for the world.....

It's been on my mind all day. I need to get a grip of this.

My mother is the same Dr N, not in an abusive way but like you the smothering and "i love you".

My mum was also very smothering. It felt very, very suffocating and now that I have Dc's I simply can't understand it.

How do you deal with it Fimbo?

I am training for a half marathon in 3 weeks that I am running in my Dad's memory. As he was involved in local politics there has been a bit about it in the local press and local businesses are sponsoring me. She is loving walking around town, telling everyone how proud she is of me etc. She stayed with us at the weekend and I asked her to stay with ds whilst dh and went for a 10 mile run, when she found out we would be gone approx 2 hours she had a face on and said 'Hmmp, I'll just sit here for 2 hours then' Yet on race day, she'll be the proudest Mother there.

And you the crackfox?

I have managed to wean her off over the years to a phone call every other day. But it's always me who rings her. Unless she has a trauma or some family gossip then she will ring me.