Dr N
Congratulations for posting.Now you are starting to wake up to the reality - your mother is not behaving in a normal way towards you.Her behaviour is unacceptable.
That's a great start.
I truly empathise.I only started to wake up last year,as a result of realizing that my (now x) p's behaviour was,in fact ,abusive.MN pointed this out,via the NPD thread.My mother has always behaved in ways which were very similar to the abuse I was accepting from him.With him out of the way - removed by threat of court action and police support - it became crystal clear that anyone behaving in that way was wrong,and should not be tolerated.
In the main,I too, am talking about emotional manipulation,gaslighting,controlling,turning everything around to be about her - including (especially)any achievements or upset/illness which anyone else (me ,mainly) might experience.
I do not have bruises,but the emotional damage goes very deep.That is why I was such an easy target - at 41- for an abusive narc like xp.It all seemed normal.
Like you,I feel unable to go no contact.But posting and lurking on MN has enabled me to begin to change my own behaviour - particularly my responses towards my mother.
The result,a year on,is that I am starting to feel more in control.The surprise for me has been that ,like HairyWoman ,I feel like an abandoned child .This is because she now barely ever calls and never asks to see me.I never get odd, inappropriate presents,and she never bothers to ask any questions about my life - where previously,she would ,but would ignore/talk over the top of my reply.
What she has never done is complain outright to me.But she has become even more passively aggressive.She has almost got to the stage where she will ask if she and my father can visit,and when.And since I returned to work from ML ,has arranged for the visits to be short,and before I am home from work.They only want to see the older dc ,and pretend baby doesn't exist.
Her N behaviour is so transparent now.But for the first 41 years of my life I felt and behaved exactly as you describe.
Mind you,it hurts and I have to work at it.But if I hadn't started posting on here ,I would still be caught in the fog and running rings round her,hoping to get what I needed from my mother.These mothers will never give us what we need.That is so hard to face.
Keep posting.I am sure you too can make small changes that will start to have a knock on effect.I am so glad your dh is supportive.
ps - I actually did get a "wonderful" early birthday present from my m at her last visit :- oven gloves with a horses head on them and the words "nag,nag,nag," printed in big letters.......how special that made me feel...