Just had my Narc Mother to stay for the weekend <frazzled>

[DrNortherner]

Any other Narc offsprings care to lend an ear?

She came up for the funeral of MIL's partner. (My Mum never misses the opportunity of a funeral). She reminded everyone she spoke to at the funeral, that she buried her husband only 2 years ago, and how hard it's been for her. I heard her tell my SIL she came to the funeral to support me Well, some support when my own Father died would have been nice thanks.

She eats the food we cook, she never helps, she doesn't even clear her plate, just wanders innto the other room to watch TV. She talks only about herself, and her life. If conversation is about other people she stares into space and does not involve herself. Then turns on the water works as 'people are ignoring her'

Dh and her do not like each other, so I am trying to keep the peace. It is a minefield. I drove her to the station and got no word of thanks for dropping her off, for having her to stay, for sorting out her tickets on line. Nothing.

She has moaned all weekend about her family, her friends. MIL actually told her for being mean about one of her friend, and said it was an afwul thing to say and she should be ashamed. My Mother stopped dead in her tracks. NO one ever says this to her....

I just know that tomorrow when I call her there will be tears, she will be upset and play the victim.

I have a duty to her as my Mother, but I get nothing from her at all. Dh is alraedy saying he doesn't want her here at Christmas and I am stressing about it already.

I've been thinking about all of this lots. And it's like a light has gone on. I remember times when I was a kid that I felt responsible for her emotions. Her sobbing uncontrollably in front of me was a very regular occurance, from a very young age. She still sobs uncontrollably all of the time about nothing.

This is an incident that happened at the weekend:

Dh, BIL, SIL and I went out for a run, leaving my Mum with my 9 yr old ds and 11 yr old nephew. She was delighted to look after the kids in front of others, but passed comment to me and only me about being alone for 2 hours.....anyway, when we got back, one of the panes of glass in our front door was smashed. My Mother appeared looking all tearful saying it was her fault, she had left the back door opened, they had slammed and it smashed, only she could not find the key to let us in. The kids, and the dog appeared in the porch and dh was worried about glass as the kids had bare feet. Dh kept telling the kids to get some shoes on and get teh dog out of teh way. My Mother took this an attack on her and ran upstairs wailing. My ds had to find the key and open the door. My Mother was wailing upstairs saying dh had accused her of hurting the kids I was shouting at dh to apologise to my MUm, he was shouting back saying no way was he pandering to her. It was a nightmare.

Anyway dh very firmly told her to stop crying and told her in no uncertain terms he was not getting involved in her self created drama.

She spoke only one word at a time to him after that.

She never offerred to pay for the broken glass, or apologised (we would not take money of her but is in not polite to offer?!!)

Also, ds told me that just after it happenned she went to find the boys and was crying in front of them saying she was scared of dh and he was going to go mad

Oh DrN, you know that is seriously F*ed up, to involve your DC.

Long may the lights continue to go on love.

Well done your dh.

So she failed to protect the children she was supposed to be looking after from getting cut feet, and asked them to "be the grown-up" and comfort her. I'm guessing she did that to you throughout your childhood - expected you to act the adult to her child-woman?

Has anyone pointed out the LightsHouse website - www.lightshouse.org/the-dpd-parent.html. I find it helpful.

Oh yes, she did that to me lots. I have many memories of sitting on the arm of her arm chair with my arm around her as she sobbed.

Will check out that site.

Thanks all. This is really helping. I feel stronger already.

OMG. Just read the home page and it could be about her.

She can't put a seatbelt on in a car. I, or ds have to do it for her. After dad died she asked me to cut her toenails as he used to do it. She can't work out how to use our TV remote as it's different to hers. She often gets letters she doesn't understand so she sends them to me. If her TV loss it's digital signal she gets her neighbour to fix it, despite me showing her countless times what to do.

Reading this with interest, has anyone looked in to:

[http://padontstandforpaloalto.wordpress.com/2010/08/03/is-your-passive-aggressive-a-narcissist/ the passive aggressive narc]]

Sorry here

Playdoh, what's their link to the narcissistic parents section?

NPD Parent

That's my mother to a t. And my father.

Thanks, pirahna - wow.

how are things now DrN? Any better? Any clearer?

Your mum sounds an awful lot like mine.

I cannot describe the sense of liberation I felt when I cut her out of my life.

The last six years have been an enourmous improvement on what life was like before, now I am free of the reality of having a relationship with somebody utterly self obsessed and drama prone.

I don't say this lightly and it should not be construed as my claiming it is the one and only way to manage a relationship of this ilk. Nor am I saying it is the perfect solution for everybody, on the basis that it worked out just great for me.

There are pros and cons.

However so far the pros have outweighed the cons so heavily that I simply can't imagine a scenario that would make me think letting her back in would be a good idea.

My only regret is that I didn't take this step at least a decade earlier.

Worth considering if you no longer believe any suggested tactics will actually bring about real and sustained change.

I have been away for 10 days on holiday. During this time period it was my mothers birthday. In the lead up to the holiday there simply wasn't time to organise a gift, dh was away, so was up to my ears in ironing, packing etc, I don't drive so can't get to shops easily plus I work for an hour in the middle of the day at a school.

Now in my 22 years of being away from home I have never ever forgotten a gift be it birthday, christmas or mothers day etc etc.

My parents number showed up on the home phone from yesterday, we got back this morning so I called straight away. Straight into a rant about where was my mother's gift (by my father).

I was truly hacked off but managed to organise same day flowers, so all is well again but dh is mightly cross by my father's attitude. If my mother was a child then yes I could see that forgetting a birthday gift would be the wrong thing but surely a grown woman could wait a few days? (the birthday was Wednesday gone).

That's just it. You're never an adult with any rights whatsoever with narcissistic parents. You're always a child, and if you displease them, you're supposed to be "punished". Everything's got to be their way, including your own life. The thing about the narcissistic mothers is, often, the father goes on the attack for her, so she can both demand you be punished and yet still keep the role of martyr. The irony is, who's really behaving childishly? Not to mention, being mistreated by someone hardly makes you feel like celebrating to begin with.

Dr. N,
I really feel for you and hope you can recalibrate your emotional connection with her to a shan-ri-la of neutrality that will erode the hugely negative impact this woman has had on your life. You are not her servant.

I do believe that 'duty' can be worn out to such an extent that it is no longer a renewable resource, friend or family. Your duty card to her is all punched out, frayed, and in tatters. Let it go. You are not her servant.

Are you some how codependent on her? It might not be a waste of time to read up on that aspect to explore your reluctance to see yourself as an independent and viable and respectable human being. You are not her servant.

I remember the cutting the toenails thread...
You are not her servant.

Please please please! make different plans for Christmas. If she has to has to has to be at your house on December 25, then I offer the suggestion of your dear family having a private celebration/present opening before she arrives or after she leaves. She will never know because you are not her servant and will not tell her.

Good luck.

Shangri-La
Nice thought, even if I can't spell it.