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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drunken rant because I won't watch porn!

56 replies

Rubyred43 · 22/05/2011 13:36

I am new to this board although have been lurking for a while. Last night my OH had too much to drink after some friends had been round. I went to bed, he followed me and asked me to watch a 'mucky' film with him whilst in bed. I said no because I've never been into porn (which he knows) and I wanted to sleep.
He put it on regardless so I tried to sleep while it was on.
Eventually I got fed up and said he was being selfish, could he watch it downstairs? We started to argue he shouted that I was 'pathetic' 'frigid' 'had my head stuck up my arse' and was 'a retard' I kept calm through all this but started to write down these insults so that I could show him how awful he'd been in the morning (as he's done it a few times before) This really aggravated him and he lost control, he pushed me to the edge of the bed, smashed a glass of water all over the bedroom floor and slapped me hard on my leg, all the time shouting that I had ruined everything.
I didn't react but got out of the bedroom asap, went into our DD's bedroom (she's 11) to find her in tears,terrified as she'd heard the whole thing. I took her into the spare room with me and we slept there.
He's still in bed now, I've been in and said he needs to face up to what he's done and talk but no response. What do I do? I've also said that I will not have my kids brought up in that kind of environment and will be taking advice, again head under covers-no response. Thank God our DS (13) was on a sleepover so was spared this.
He has done this once before, again when drunk. We've been married nearly 20 years. He wants more sex but over the years I have completely gone off it and can't see why I would want to with someone that can say those things to me. All our married life he has resorted to name calling as a way of expressing his discontent that we don't have sex enough. When I try to tell him how I feel he minimises my feelings or disregards them completely. Apart from this he's great in every other way but this is now overshadowing everything else.
I really don't want to leave (yes I'm a coward) but wonder whether he can change through counselling and/or anger management?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 22/05/2011 13:54

Have you considered it could be he should cut out drinking?

There is no excuse for how he behaved, none.

It seems you need counselling to talk about your problems with regards sex.

cowboyboots · 22/05/2011 13:54

fwiw i think you both need to change

he needs more sex, and is frustrated that you reject him

you need him to be more understanding and face up to his actions

maybe start by cutting out the drink

GypsyMoth · 22/05/2011 13:55

no. i dont think he will change,he doesnt want to does he? he would have looked into help/change/anger management before now if he did

pickyourbrain · 22/05/2011 13:57

woah, woah, woah, Rubyred.. I don't thnk you have a problem yourself. I wouldnt fancy having sex with a man who gets his kicks out of watching women being abused (imo that is what porn is) Maybe read up on porn so that you understand why you don't like it? It might help to give you the strength to leave.

Original poster
Rubyred43 · 22/05/2011 13:58

Thanks I think you are right I do need to address why I don't want sex and he has said as much before. So perhaps if we both went for counselling this would help? I've always assumed that I just had a very low sex drive as I just can't be bothered with it, but wished I could enjoy it more.

OP posts:
ovumahead · 22/05/2011 13:58

It sounds to me like you're in an abusive relationship. Can you seek relationship counselling? You need to do this for yourself and for your children. Please seek professional help. If he is hitting you and smashing glasses and not showing any remorse, things could escalate. You can get a referral to Relate from your GP or go direct to Relate yourself (google for your nearest) - they are really skilled at helping people through situations like this - very important if you don't want to leave that you sort things out. Good luck to you.

neuroticmumof3 · 22/05/2011 13:58

is this the first time he's hit/slapped you or has that happened before as well? i think the whole incident sounds horrendous. drink is no excuse for violent and aggressive behaviour. name calling is hardle going to rekindle your sexual feelings and neither is porn if you're not into that.

dizietsma · 22/05/2011 14:00

The only appropriate response for him to display after this terrible behaviour is abject remorse. His behaviour was very abusive. He scared your DD which is unacceptable. He needs to apologise to you both.

I suggest you call Women's Aid to talk this incident and past incidents over. You may no think it's serious enough, but to give you some perspective, if my DH did anything like that I'd kick him out immediately. Difference is, my DH would never do anything like that because he respects and loves me. Doesn't sound like yours does in the least Sad

pickyourbrain · 22/05/2011 14:01

Deal with all the other shit, and then look in to your sex drive... Id be suprised if it didnt increase once you stop sharing a bed with a violent misogynist bully..

Original poster
Rubyred43 · 22/05/2011 14:02

I don't like porn exactly because I feel I can't measure up to the women that perform there and I think it exploits women. Is that a contradiction?

OP posts:
MilkandWine · 22/05/2011 14:03

cowboyboots A man being frustrated about not getting his end away enough does not justify him physically abusing and terrorising his wife! To suggest the OP is somehow at fault in this matter is frankly dreadful advice!

It is my understanding that counselling is of no help when there is DV in a relationship. Also does your DH even appreciate he is in the wrong? If he doesn't every counselling course in the world will make no difference.

OP your husband is a violent, abusive man who disregards your feelings on every level and has done for years. You say he is 'Great in every way'. Precisely how is he great? From what you have written he is the complete opposite of that. Verbal and physical abuse are not the character traits of an abusive partner.

pickyourbrain · 22/05/2011 14:04

No, its not a contradiction. I'm not really articulate enough to explain but I found that reading 'Living dolls' and 'Pornland' solidified it for me.

Original poster
Rubyred43 · 22/05/2011 14:04

Thanks so much for your responses although I have to say I find them quite scary-never thought it would be termed an abusive relationship.

OP posts:
MilkandWine · 22/05/2011 14:04

Character traits if a good partner I meant.

OP have you contacted womans aid? I really would suggest it. Also Al anon as they will help to support you through this

Thinking of you hugs

pickyourbrain · 22/05/2011 14:05

what is abuse to you then ruby?

jesuswhatnext · 22/05/2011 14:05

so, he sits in bed, drunk, watching porn, slaps her and calls her names, throws glasses about and then wonders why she dosent feel particuarly loved up!! Hmm i dont think any amount of 'counselling will change a cunt like that! - if thats his usual type of foreplay im not suprised you have gone off it!

frankly i would rather a life on my own than put up with that!

Original poster
Rubyred43 · 22/05/2011 14:06

I'm going to print this off and take it to him, perhaps he will read it. thanks again x

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 22/05/2011 14:08

yes lovey, it IS an abusive relationship! - men who love their partners dont behave like that, even if they havent had sex for months/years etc, they try and find out if there is a problem they can help with and do it with love and caring, not with booze, porn films and violence!

MilkandWine · 22/05/2011 14:08

Rubyred He hits you, he pushes you and he belittles you with name calling, that is abuse.

A sane, resonable man discusses with his wife the problems in their sex life and works to find a solution. An abusive bully puts on a porn movie and then pushes his wife around when she objects.

I don't care if your husband is that sexually frustrated his balls are about to explode! His behaviour is still deplorable.

pickyourbrain · 22/05/2011 14:10

Ermmm, i don't think that is a good idea. Having quite a lot of knowledge about abusive men... they're not particularly keen on their partner being educated.. you also dont seem to quite beleive it ourself so you probably don't have the strength to stand your ground.

MilkandWine · 22/05/2011 14:10

Rubyred DO NOT print it off and show him. There is zero chance he will listen at this point and then he may well stop you coming on here for support.
Please don't show him this, keep it your secret, for time being at least please

ShoutyHamster · 22/05/2011 14:10

He pushes and slaps OP because she refuses to watch porn with him, and the advice is that 'you both need to change' and 'he needs more sex'?

cowboyboots I am Shock

OP, he sounds like an arse.

I wouldn't want a porn film on in my bedroom. I wouldn't have gone quietly to sleep if my DH had decided to put one on anyway - I would have gone ballistic.

Mind you, he wouldn't have asked me. He wouldn't have put one on. That's because there aren't any in the house. And he certainly wouldn't have reacted by pushing and slapping me had any sort of argument broken out over anything else.

Maybe that's why, unlike you, I actually quite like having sex with him???

'All our married life he has resorted to name calling as a way of expressing his discontent that we don't have sex enough. When I try to tell him how I feel he minimises my feelings or disregards them completely'

Just a crazy idea, but a tiny bit of the reason why you can't be bothered with sex might be because of the above? Because you don't feel like being intimate and uninhibited with someone who treats you nastily and disregards your feelings?

I would go to counselling - but on my own first, because the way he treats you over this issue is abusive, so joint counselling is a no-no. By all means address the sex - but maybe also ask yourself whether you like, love, and respect him anymore - and if the answer is no, whether you think (given your knowledge of his personality) there is hope for him as well as you to work properly on the relationship and rebuild it into something positive. Given what happened last night, my money at the moment would be on 'no'.

pickyourbrain · 22/05/2011 14:14

Im no expert but I'm fairly sure a good councellor wont offer couples councelling where abuse is present..

Original poster
Rubyred43 · 22/05/2011 14:16

The thing is though I think he will be mortified,he is not controlling in any other way hence why I've no worries about showing him this- he would never dream of stopping me coming on here. It's just been when he's had too much to drink that it's got ugly. The only other time he touched me was to grab me hard by my arm and raise his fist but not actually hit me.

OP posts:
pickyourbrain · 22/05/2011 14:18

And what led to that other occassion rubyred?