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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drunken rant because I won't watch porn!

56 replies

Rubyred43 · 22/05/2011 13:36

I am new to this board although have been lurking for a while. Last night my OH had too much to drink after some friends had been round. I went to bed, he followed me and asked me to watch a 'mucky' film with him whilst in bed. I said no because I've never been into porn (which he knows) and I wanted to sleep.
He put it on regardless so I tried to sleep while it was on.
Eventually I got fed up and said he was being selfish, could he watch it downstairs? We started to argue he shouted that I was 'pathetic' 'frigid' 'had my head stuck up my arse' and was 'a retard' I kept calm through all this but started to write down these insults so that I could show him how awful he'd been in the morning (as he's done it a few times before) This really aggravated him and he lost control, he pushed me to the edge of the bed, smashed a glass of water all over the bedroom floor and slapped me hard on my leg, all the time shouting that I had ruined everything.
I didn't react but got out of the bedroom asap, went into our DD's bedroom (she's 11) to find her in tears,terrified as she'd heard the whole thing. I took her into the spare room with me and we slept there.
He's still in bed now, I've been in and said he needs to face up to what he's done and talk but no response. What do I do? I've also said that I will not have my kids brought up in that kind of environment and will be taking advice, again head under covers-no response. Thank God our DS (13) was on a sleepover so was spared this.
He has done this once before, again when drunk. We've been married nearly 20 years. He wants more sex but over the years I have completely gone off it and can't see why I would want to with someone that can say those things to me. All our married life he has resorted to name calling as a way of expressing his discontent that we don't have sex enough. When I try to tell him how I feel he minimises my feelings or disregards them completely. Apart from this he's great in every other way but this is now overshadowing everything else.
I really don't want to leave (yes I'm a coward) but wonder whether he can change through counselling and/or anger management?

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 22/05/2011 14:20

if he cant drink 'nicely' he shouldnt be drinking at all!, take it from one who knows! Sad - if drink changes his behaviour then he needs to realise he has a problem, it dosent matter how much or how often he drinks, if it causes problems when he does, he needs to stop altogether!

Original poster
Rubyred43 · 22/05/2011 14:23

The other time was when we'd been out with very good friends and on the way home I linked arms with a lovely male friend because his wife had just left him and he was feeling very down about it and wanted to talk. OH was furious because he felt I had ridiculed him.

OP posts:
dizietsma · 22/05/2011 14:27

Well, if his behaviour is otherwise fine there's no harm in calling Women's Aid to check, is there? Unless he is abjectly, unqualifiedly apologetic for how he behaved, this is an indication of a developing, if not already present abusive relationship. There's just no other way of seeing it, from where I'm sitting, I'm really sorry.

pickyourbrain · 22/05/2011 14:32

And do you think you deserved to be grabbed hard on the arm and be threatened with a punch because of that behaviour?

Do you remember the threat of a punch and the arm grabbing when deciding how to behave with male friends in front of your DH now?

Original poster
Rubyred43 · 22/05/2011 14:34

Yes of course I do and I know what you're getting at Pickyourbrain-thanks.

OP posts:
Xales · 22/05/2011 14:35

So

First time he grabbed you hard by the arm and raised a fist threatening you.

Second time he pushed you, threw a glass, slapped you hard and was abusive.

Next time????

pickyourbrain · 22/05/2011 14:37

What advice would you give your DD in 15 years time if she told you the story you have told us?

Original poster
Rubyred43 · 22/05/2011 14:39

I would be horrified and tell her she's worth more than that and to leave... I am wondering about telling my m and d although I know they will be very shockedwww.mumsnet.com/te/3.gif

OP posts:
pickyourbrain · 22/05/2011 14:42

Are they local ruby? Could you take the kids there this afternoon and tell them? I'd want to know if you were my DD.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/05/2011 14:48

Tell your parents if you think they will be helpful and not tell you to talk to him to try and reason with him (a complete waste of energy). Talk to Womens Aid as well; their counsel would be beneficial to you.

I would ask you the following:-

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Neither of you are showing them a healthy functional relationship model here. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what are you both teaching these children here?.

merrywidow · 22/05/2011 14:49

Ok right you ridiculed him, by linking arms with a friend. My H once accused me of 'shaming' him because I was talking to a man we were doing business with outside our shop. I told H to grow up which made him even angrier.

My H was an abusive idiot.

Your H has behaved in the most appalling manner, and I am not surprised you don't wish to have sex with him.

I would start considering your options and make it clear he sleeps elsewhere why you do

merrywidow · 22/05/2011 14:50

*whilst you do

ovumahead · 22/05/2011 15:23

Ruby you don't need to think of reasons for not liking porn. You shouldn't have to excuse yourself. And FWIW, I read somewhere (cannot remember where, sorry!) that about 80% of the women in porn films are or have been victims of sexual abuse. They don't tend to be happy ladies (although I know some women do love being in and watching porn) and the sex is not genuine, it's not about love and intimacy it's about fucking, and that's it really. For men, who tend to get aroused visually, porn works wonders. But women tend to get aroused more through feelings of intimacy, security, love and trust. It doesn't sound like you have an awful lot of that in your relationship, so I'm not surprised you don't fancy having sex very often.

Please try to remember this is not your fault. You are not his posession.

pickyourbrain · 22/05/2011 15:28

She doesnt need to think of reasons no, but a lot of women dont have confidence in their dislike of porn because society is so accepting of it and often people who disapprove are made out to be fridgid or un-cool. Foe me anyway, reading about it and realising why I objected, gave me strength.

ovumahead · 22/05/2011 15:45

pick I totally agree, I think it's a good thing to be able to articulate even just to yourself, to feel confident in your ideas and reasons for things, and to be able to articulate a decent argument should you need to. I just don't think she should feel in a position where she ^has* to defend her right to say no to porn.

pickyourbrain · 22/05/2011 15:53

Absolutely.

Original poster
Rubyred43 · 22/05/2011 20:14

Just to update, we have spoken I showed him this and he was genuinely horrified at what he has done. He became very upset and was particularly disturbed that he can't remember most of what happened. He has apologised to us both and I think it is hitting home that he has a problem with alcohol. He has acknowleged that he was totally out of order both times it happened and says that isn't him. I would agree mostly with this but have said to him that we do have a problem with our sex life and that I didn't feel he had been very understanding and listened to me properly. This is hopefully the start, I think we are both aware it isn't over yet. Thanks so much to all of you x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/05/2011 23:17

what is he going to do then, to address his

  1. alcohol problem

  2. anger management problem

  3. escalating domestic violence problem

  4. male entitlement, thinks you "owe" him sex-problem

other than a few crocodile tears and a "I will never do this again, this isn't me...." plaintive wailing, is he actually going to seek help with his issues ?

or are you going to brush it under the carpet, again ?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 22/05/2011 23:38

RubyRed, I like porn. But I don't like abusive men and this is what your H is. Forget the porn for the moment, have a think about the rest of his behaviour. I bet he doesn't pull anything like his weight WRT household chores and childcare. I bet he's embarrassed you in public and you have been desperately trying to moderate your behaviour for years.
He thinks it's OK to mistreat you, to act as though you are some sort of appliance that can be made to function correctly by thumping it. He won't change. He will get worse. Call Women's Aid and get rid of him.

pickyourbrain · 23/05/2011 08:24

That's goodt things didnt escalate when you showed him this.

But I, like anyfucker, want to know what exactly he is doing about this. As long as you are absolutely certain that you and your children arent in any immediate danger, I would give him 5 days to put steps in place to sort his problems out - and leave if he doesnt.

That is my advice given that it feels as if you are dead set against leaving at this point. In reality you should be doing as ScGB says. You and your children should be his reward when/if he has sorted himself out... not his punch bags whilst he does it.

Original poster
Rubyred43 · 23/05/2011 16:07

Thanks for your responses I appreciate it's difficult to get the full picture from an internet forum. He always does and always has pulled his weight in terms of childcare and household chores. He is not a 'macho' man at all, but very sensitive and caring. He has spent some time today researching alcohol related violence and is absolutely horrified at what he did. He maintains he has never hit anyone in his life and fully acknowledges that he has now. He has told me that his problem lies with alcohol and that prior to this incident he was fairly happy with our sex life although would like it more often does not agree with the alter ego that seemed to come out while he was drunk. The only time he has upset me with name calling has been when he was drunk otherwise he has always been respectful. He actually said that showing him your responses, although very upsetting was the best thing because he has realised how serious this incident was. Now he aims to cut down on the booze. I realise this all sounds too good to be true but I know him.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/05/2011 16:27

how is he going to cut down ?

Original poster
Rubyred43 · 23/05/2011 16:52

I think the problem is just when we've been out or with friends and he has a skinfull of wine without realising how much he's had. He doesn't drink much at other times and if he sticks to beer doesn't seem to have a problem. I'm waiting to hear from him how he intends to tackle it but feel confident he will. Years ago he had a problem with anxiety which affected our relationship because he felt he had to hide it from me (was brought up to be ashamed of being timid as a child) Once he realised this he went for CBT which worked very well for him. I honestly believe he is committed to us in this respect and his worst nightmare would be to lose his family.

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 23/05/2011 17:03

oh, the old 'cutting down' statement! Sad it wont make a scrap of difference my love!, us alkies promise and promise - 'oh, im so sorry, it wont happen again, i know what the problem is, is that trikesy old whiskey/vodka/wine (insert what you like), ill just stick to beer, i can handle that' - by not admitting that he needs to stop altogether he is denying he has a problem - 'normal' drinkers dont need to switch drinks so they behave, they just do, it dosnet matter what they drink!

unless he stops drinking it will happen again

jesuswhatnext · 23/05/2011 17:06

oh and btw, us alkies know EXACTLY how much we have drunk, we dont suddenly have a skinful without realising it, we have a skinful on purpose and we make sure that no one else gets 'our share'!

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