Drunken rant because I won't watch porn!

[Rubyred43]

I am new to this board although have been lurking for a while. Last night my OH had too much to drink after some friends had been round. I went to bed, he followed me and asked me to watch a 'mucky' film with him whilst in bed. I said no because I've never been into porn (which he knows) and I wanted to sleep.
He put it on regardless so I tried to sleep while it was on.
Eventually I got fed up and said he was being selfish, could he watch it downstairs? We started to argue he shouted that I was 'pathetic' 'frigid' 'had my head stuck up my arse' and was 'a retard' I kept calm through all this but started to write down these insults so that I could show him how awful he'd been in the morning (as he's done it a few times before) This really aggravated him and he lost control, he pushed me to the edge of the bed, smashed a glass of water all over the bedroom floor and slapped me hard on my leg, all the time shouting that I had ruined everything.
I didn't react but got out of the bedroom asap, went into our DD's bedroom (she's 11) to find her in tears,terrified as she'd heard the whole thing. I took her into the spare room with me and we slept there.
He's still in bed now, I've been in and said he needs to face up to what he's done and talk but no response. What do I do? I've also said that I will not have my kids brought up in that kind of environment and will be taking advice, again head under covers-no response. Thank God our DS (13) was on a sleepover so was spared this.
He has done this once before, again when drunk. We've been married nearly 20 years. He wants more sex but over the years I have completely gone off it and can't see why I would want to with someone that can say those things to me. All our married life he has resorted to name calling as a way of expressing his discontent that we don't have sex enough. When I try to tell him how I feel he minimises my feelings or disregards them completely. Apart from this he's great in every other way but this is now overshadowing everything else.
I really don't want to leave (yes I'm a coward) but wonder whether he can change through counselling and/or anger management?

He needs to stop drinking for good. That's the only guarantee.

Ok thanks, I had wondered myself. He is definitely one of these can't stop once you've got past a couple of glasses.

It was more than a drunken rant. If he had beaten his children like he did you the police would have been very interested.

You either stay and wait until this happens again and then have to deal with your daughter thinking this is a normal life or you eave and build a strong future for your children where you are free to go to bed in peace without the threat of a beating.

He won't change unless he wants too.

All our married life he has resorted to name calling as a way of expressing his discontent that we don't have sex enough When I try to tell him how I feel he minimises my feelings or disregards them completely

Has he been drunk your entire marriage or is he sober when hes emotionally abusing you or pressurizing you into sex ? He is abusive op , and i think it likeley the drink is simply an excuses .

Ruby I work in domestic abuse service provision.

You are in an abusive relationship.

Can I also tell you two other things about domestic violence?

Firstly, alcohol doesn't make men abusive. For a man to abuse his partner he has to have the underlying belief that he is entitled to do so. It may take vast consumption of alcohol for him to lose enough inhibition to act on this underlying belief (a belief he may well deny to himself and others that he has) but men who do not believe they have the right to control their partners never become abusive no matter how much they have drunk.

Secondly, anger management for abusive men misses the point absolutely and completely. These men are not angry and out of control. Domestic violence is all about men taking control. Does he call you names when out in public? Does he come to your work place and slap you? Does he call you names in front of your parents? Of course not. These things always happen in private because they are deliberate.

I realise these things are terribly hard to hear about a man you have shared your life with and had children with and I understand you feeling loyalty towards him no matter what he's done.

But it is almost unheard of for a man to stop being abusive once he has started.

If you decide to seek support and/or advice or just a listening ear you can go to Women's Aid. The service is completely confidential and non-judgemental. No-one there will tell you what to do and no-one there will pressure you into leaving if you don't want to.

I wish you all the best.

< applauds MYODD >