Haunted and ashamed by what I never told anyone....

[piranhamorgana]

Sorry,this will be long,I need to puit it somewhere.
Some people will remember me.I am doing really well these days.I "found out" what was going on in my relationship with xp whilst lurking on the NPD thread.He was abusing me.I was pg at the time.

I had been spending time with him,on and off for 2 years,but got pg during a "passionate reconciliation" after a year of no contact.

Being on my own with 4 dc and twice divorced,I was embarrassed at the situation.I got sucked back into a short-lived honeymoon phase during which he was 100% charming and promised us the earth.He didn't move in with us,but bought lots of things for my house,and we went on a holiday abroad with the dc.We started to set up a business together ,a joint venture to cement the family.

When I first posted on here,I was urged to run away fast.Like many,I found it difficult to accept what now seems obvious.I took him back several times.

I was desperate for it all to be like the dream I knew it was not.

Luckily,he let his guard down in front of the midwives while I was in Hospital having dd.He really showed his true colours in front of them when I came home with the baby.I had support from the police and womens aid. He was told that if he ever approached us again that he would be arrested and charged.(I didn't want charges pressed at the time ).A proposal for a formal contact arrangement was sent to him by registered post but he never responded and we have never seen or heard from him since.His family do not believe the baby is his,and think I am a mad stalker.(I have never met them,my solicitor contacted the only family member I knew to establish where to send the letters)

Just gone back to work after 17 months of maternity and sick leave.Baby dd is 13mo and is a joy.She loves nursery,all the older dc are settled and doing well. Things are ok with both my xh's and their contact with the dc is regular.The scales have fallen from my eyes and I can spot an abuser a mile away.

But I am haunted - and ashamed - by images/memories of some of the things that went on.I minimised it when I posted on here.I am ashamed to say that I did not reveal what was happening to me when I was alone with him,because I knew that I would then have to burst the bubble and be on my own again.With a new baby.He was ,at times,rude,bossy and controlling towards my dc and me when he visited us.But they were dazzled by the good side they were usually shown,and never saw what he did to me when they weren't there.They all had contact every other weekend and were away Fri- Sun/Mon.

I went into hospital a few weeks before dd was born.I told everyone that I had fallen on ice and was having pains.I was kept in for 3 nights and had scans and was on the monitor all the time.He didn't visit.That is because he had thrown me down the steps of his caravan,half dressed,during the night onto the snow.He then kicked me ,hard ,in the crotch (right in the middle) and shouted and swore at me,throwing ice and snow,telling me to f off.

I was not able to move for a bit and in the end I crawled to my car and stayed inside it for a couple of hours until I could drive.I was bleeding.I thought the baby was coming.I drove home,went to bed and got a taxi to hospital next morning.The dc were away.I told everyone I had fallen.I even asked a friend to phone him to "let him know what had happened".He told her that I had been sleeping with my exh and that the baby was his.He said I had broken up with him,despite him offering to "take on" my family.He cried.

Everything inside my head was screaming out that I should tell someone and get rid of him.But I was afraid to believe it was true.I cried all the time I was in hospital,but told the nurses it was because my partner couldn't visit.Eventually ,I told them that he had left me.I wanted someone to ask if he had done it - wanted "rescuing",couldn't take responsibility for myself.

No one asked.I took him back a week later.
That was by no means the first awful time,but it was the first time it became physical.Though not the last.

I really can't take up space listing and detailing everything.But some of these memories are really hurting me.I am furious with myself for not calling the police back then.I am ashamed that I allowed him near my dc- ever.

I am selfishly sad for my old self,who believed I deserved it and could keep quiet.I know I have to move on.I am posting this partly to be heard and partly to shame myself.

Oh you darling woman, don't you ever be ashamed! You did not do this, he did. And, you found it in you to get away, which is no small feat when we know just how manipulative and controlling these people can be.

Are you still getting help to deal with all thats gone on?

Have you been in contact with Women's Aid? They can help you talk through this.

You have no need to be ashamed, it wasn't your fault.

Many of us have minimised, denied, deflected, lied (to ourselves and others) in abusive situations. They are coping mechanisms, we have to cope, we have to survive! You didn't allow a dangerous man into your family, you were fooled by a chameleon.
There is no shame in taking whatever route gets you to the other side, which is where you are now.
You and your DC have a future ahead, a bright and beautiful one and you fully deserve it, particularly after what you have been put through.

I think that,although painful for you, it is important that you are able to post about your experiences, and testament to how much you have moved on. You have been through a horrific time but you must remember that he was abusing you both physically and psychologically and you were 'brainwashed' by him so were unable to think clearly and rationally at that time.
You said you had help from Womens' Aid previously - do they provide counselling for women following this sort of experience? Have you anyone in RL who you can confide in and gain support from? Sending you and your family best wishes for a happy future.

I didn't tell Women's Aid because I was afraid I would be questioned about having put my dc at risk. I knew what he was doing,but because he was doing it to me when we were alone,I told myself it was ok for them to buy into the fantasy man they saw.It makes me fell sick that I deceived them and put them at risk like that.

I told both my xh's,because I thought they should know.They were horrified,but it has helped us to forge a better relationship in the long run.They were sympathetic to me.I couldn't believe it.They didn't like xp.but hadn't had concerns about the dc - in fact they both admitted to jealousy,as he had seemed like Mr Family Man and the dc always spoke positively about him.

I am on the waiting list for psychotherapy.I realise how much I was programmed to see his behaviour as normal.It was exactly the same as my parents.Lovely on the outside,but weird and scary in secret.

They thought he was the best thing ever and still berate me for "denying him access to me and his dd".

The only good thing to come out of this is that I can see them for what they are now.

You can see Women's Aid now, if you want. They won't judge you, I promise.

Hello PM.

You are so very, very brave for posting that. Why do you think that you are taking up space....take it PM, as much as is necessary.

We have been on a parallel path a lot of the time, and I feel I "know" you as well as one can online. I know that the realisation of just how bad things were, has knocked me sideways and I am once again in therapy. Acknowledging it seems to be only half the journey.

I likened it yesterday to being thrown of a fast spinning roundabout, The spinning may have stopped, but it takes time to recover your balance and composure. And whilst you're still spinning, all you can do is hold on tight.

You don't need to hold on any more.

Huge hugs from me.

Thanks ,thisis
I have found that the "better" I become - in terms of "waking up" and realising it will never happen again - the more I remember.And the more small details.

The one I described above was like a flashback, and it happened at work.
I work in mental health and have experience of managing my own emotions and responses when working with other peoples' pain.But I had to go into the loo and get myself together when that happened.It was just like spinning and holding on tight.

I am afraid of what else I may remember,and when.

And the anger I feel.

Just wanted to say that I think yuo have done brilliantly in picking yourself up after such an awful time. I was in an emotionally abuse relationship for a few years ans can relate to the feelings of shame but it will pass in time. I analyised everything he had done and 'revisited' past events in my head to the point when it felt that I was constantly thinking about it but it does pass and you won't always feel angry at yourself. I can now see that I stayed with him and didn't tell others because I loved him and was a nice person who always saw the best in him. You will get there.

This is exactly why I am back in therapy, the flashbacks and nightmares are overwhelming. And like you, the more I improve, the worse those things seem to get. :(

I have this awful feeling of freefalling...it is completely terrifying.

Oh and the anger, and the "why me" and the more I talk about it, the more utterly horrendous it is. It's such a mess, a huge squalid mess.

Do you remember the days of believing that it was so much worse for everyone else, and our problems were nothing by comparison? That's how far we have come. That is hope, I think.

xx

It's hard to leave.

I think the initial escape - particularly when you are cheered on and backed up by MN,as I was - can be exhilarating.

I went into overdrive last year.DD was born at the beginning of April.He was gone within days,popped up just the once two weeks later (to be reported to the police) and within the 6 weeks it took before I could drive I was feeling full of energy and huge relief.

We all went to Turkey for a fortnight in June and spent the summer holidays going camping,to festivals and having days out all over the place.I felt like I could do anything and was desperate to make it up to baby dd and to make sure that the whole experience could be nothing but life enhancing.

Lots of people were surprised and suggested I slow down.I did feel sad and lonely at times.I posted lots on here.But genuinely,I was being true to myself.Trying to the woman I had always been before he got his claws into me.

Now I feel we are "safe".I truly believe I will never have another abusive relationship,or another abuser,anywhere in my life.

I have been through a difficult legal situation at work (more N's....) and come out on top.
The house is on the market,though sadly not getting any viewings,and we are hoping to move away from the area.
I am way better at keeping my parents at bay.
I am very good at "ignoring".

All good stuff.But maybe it's the distance that allows the mind to start processing.Maybe ,without the distraction of the immediate moving on/escaping,it's easier to notice the stuff that's underneath.

Actually,this morning I have no dc here at all.Baby has gone to nursery and I am taking a day off work.

I have not had this amount of time to myself since she was born.

I had planned to catch up on the housework and get ready for going away for the weekend with the dc.I had planned to collect baby from nursery in time for lunch.

Maybe I needed to use this time to have MN therapy.

Don't you dare be ashamed!

To feel embarrassment or shame or humiliation or anything but anger is to allow him control and power over you even now.

Essentially, what happened in the relationship is irrelivent now. You escaped, you moved on and you are now a stronger woman for it. You should take some time every now and then just to remind yourself how much of a massive thing it was to leave.

It is very easy to forget it all and throw yourself into "stuff" so as not to allow yourself time to think and remember and dwell on it all. But i think it is importnat that every now and then you do think back.

You don't need to over think it all, but to recognise the behaviours and acknowledge that they were not your fault, that you could have done nothing to prevent them and that it was all down to him.

Once you recognise that you will no longer feel ashamed. You will also find that you can spot such traits in others. YOu will grow your very own "twuntdar" that bleeps at you when you notice others who behave similarly to your ex.

You have done fantastically well. You really have and you should feel immensly proud of yourself.

I was sleeping at his over the weekend.We had been out for a meal,it was early on and had been exciting and romantic.

I was woken up by him shoving me and shouting at me to fuck off home.He said I had been talking in my sleep and calling him by my ex husbands name.

I apologised.I pleaded with him to calm down.

He ranted and shouted really loudly,using terrible words.He was naked and towered over me.He took all my stuff out to my car and dumped it in the road.
Then he came back in and raped me.

Then he picked me up ,put me in the car and stood shouting "go on,f* off" until I had gone.It was 2 am.

We had been about to go away for a week together.The dc were away.Half Term.I went back to our isolated house,miles from anywhere.The drive took 2 hrs. I was reeling with shock.

That afternoon,he turned up wearing a beautiful suit.He apologised profusely.But actually ended up convincing me that I had done something terrible.I apologised to him.Lots.

I went away with him to a posh hotel.He showered me with gifts and treated me "like a princess" >>>vomit

Darling girl. The trouble is I think, that often it's strong and capable women WHO HAVE HAD SHIT PARENTING, that end up in abusive relationships. The strong and capable qualities are inherent and we were born with them (sorry, I am including myself in this theory ) and they enable us to continue to pick ourselves up and get over the damage of a shitty relationship. We are brave lionesses who keep rescuing shitbags and not focussing on ourselves.

We ping-pong from man to man, some ok but most of them shits, until eventually, we encounter the shittiest shit of all and because we are older, we don't bounce back as easily and at THAT point - because we are older and we have dc and the stakes are higher - we start slowly waking up and looking at ourselves and re-evaluating abnd asking how the bloody hell we ended up being this way. We see a pattern. We want to break it. We need therapy or insights good counsellors, to work out what the patterns were and how to stop them.

And when we start doing this, we end up going back over what we have been through and agonising over how we allowed it all to happen. It is complex, it is hard work, it makes us sad and angry. We feel sad for the young women we were and sad for all the crap we have recovered from or gone through when, if only we had been taught and/or learned by example from our parents the value of true for self-respect and self-love, it might all have been so very different.

Even though you are doing this all later in life - as I have done - at least we ARE doing it. And for me at least, it's because of my dc. I want to put my child and his happiness and balance and wellbeing and self-love first.

I don't want to fuck him up!

We are bright, we are warm, we are strong - though indelibly weakened by the trauma we have endured. The trauma diminishes as you look at it closely and put time and distance between it and your life now. Your trauma and shame will diminish. You are a fabulous mother and a charismatic and creative woman. You do not need the love of a man to be great and good and to parent your little ones well or to really enjoy life again.

You are getting there. A bit of self-flagellation and a sense of spinning and reeling at the folly of what we were when we put up with it all, are all part and parcel of the healing process.

Large glasses of wine and hugs to you. You are GREAT. And doing so well. x x x x

Thanks UA I have learnt a lot from you.You are a FAB role model xxxx

Do not talk about shaming yourself. He was a sadistic bastard who beat up the mother of his child and fucked with her head. That's evil. We can all get sucked in by that crap in our more vulnerable moments. The important thing is that you have recognised it and moved on. I admire the way you have got yourself sorted.

After being in an emotionally abusive relationship definately sharpens the 'twat' radar.

If you do think back to how things were try not to dwell on it too much (hard I know) but do it to remind yourself of how strong you are to come so far. I split with my XP a couple of times (I believed he had changed) and found that the first time round I got lots of support from friends in RL but second time we split, which has been for good, the support wasn't there, in fact I don't see those friends much anymore so I tended to think about things alot and keep it bottled in.

You have been back at work for two weeks. You have been looking after five children. Now you have a break. You are exhausted. No wonder all the 'waves and billows' are washing over you.
It will pass and you will be stronger again.

Could I suggest you stick to the original plan, pick dd4 up from nursery and go for a nice lunch somewhere? A garden centre? A nice place anywhere?
Look after yourself. You have the chance now, take it...

You wanted it to be how it appeared probably because you spent most of your time as a little girl doing that.

You wanted it because probably you couldnt bear to admit to yourseklf, dcs or anybody else, that he was another shit.

And because it's exhausting extricating yourself again.

But mostly because you have been taught no boundaires or self-love.

I had a boyfriend from 14 to 18 who beat me three times. On the first occasion I ran home to my house and my mother laughed at me, said the boyfriend had got there before me (he had a motorbike) and told me what had happened and said that I no doubt deserved it

That kind of treatment sets you up for a life of being abused.

I believed her.

Stupid witch!!

Keep talking lovely. x x x

Well I for one think MN therapy is a godsend!

piranha. this is all part of the process, unwrapping these layers of self-protection. i'm sure it's because you do feel safer now, that you can afford to do it. i hope you get some support though, it sounds like a scary process to go through on your own. sending you my deep sympathy for what you went through, and my shining confidence for your future.

I think you sound like a wonderful person and so, so strong. You ought to be very proud of yourself, not ashamed. The shame is ALL his. You've been through all this and you're there with your head held high, getting on with your life and looking after your kids. You're amazing.