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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand holding and comforting head stroking needed please.

53 replies

Mamaz0n · 15/05/2011 14:07

I told DP to leave in january.

All this time i figured we would work it all out and we would be back together better than ever.

It just hasn't happened. for various reasons and faults on both sides.

Today i said that we had been stringing it out so long and that we needed to formalise the ending of teh relationship, to be kinder to ourselves.

I know this is for the best but i am hurting. I want to cry.

I am sat at my parents (dad is very ill and i am here every day helping out) and i just want to be home, in bed crying into my duvet.

tell me it is going to be ok. that im not giong to be the fat old spinster forever more. tell me that by splitting with DP i am paving the way for Mr prefect to enter my life.

you know, all that rubbish none of us believe but we tell ourselves to convince us that the pain is worth it.

pleeease

OP posts:
TheMonster · 15/05/2011 14:09

Don't focus on finding a new chap. Focus on yourself.

Mumswang · 15/05/2011 14:11

There there. It's early days. Things will get better. You will be ok. And yes, focus on yourself for a while. Find your happy place x

Original poster
Mamaz0n · 15/05/2011 14:11

oh god if i do that i really will cry!

Im the wrong side of 30, overweight, soon to be unemployed, the size of a small council tower block, have 2 children, one of which is autistic, i have no social life and am getting older fatter and frumpier by the minute.

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 15/05/2011 14:12

But MamazOn, it is true. You can't find happiness either on your own or with someone else while you are in an unhappy relationship; you can't move on until this one is (sadly) finished properly.

I know it hurts, I really, really do... Ending a long relationship is so hard and it can make you feel real panic, dread and fear as well as desperately hurt and upset. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sad

BelleDameSansMerci · 15/05/2011 14:14

You could start with being a little kinder to yourself... You could look at this as a new start too. Take little steps and sort things out for you - however you want to do it.

Original poster
Mamaz0n · 15/05/2011 14:15

I told him not to text anymore, he was sending almost begging texts asking to try again.

Now i am constantly staring at the phone in the hope he will.

I know i will get over it and everything will be fine, but right now i feel so utterly shit and he was the only one i had to talk to about it.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 15/05/2011 14:16

But the older side of 30 is the right side.

BelleDameSansMerci · 15/05/2011 14:18

Agree with Annie - definitely better to be older side of thirty (said from older side of forty).

Do you have any friends you can talk to?

ilikeshoes · 15/05/2011 14:23

Deffinatley agree with other posts you need to heal yourself and be happy on your own, a man can contribrute towards your happyness but you need to be happy with you first, which is tough, you are still young you have lots to look forward too and your whole life ahead of you, just try to plan a day out doing something you like so you have something to focus on and look forward to, and try to change things slowly theres no rush, you will be happy without him i promice you are stronger than you think.

Original poster
Mamaz0n · 15/05/2011 14:23

not really. Best pal is currently awaiting her son to come out of surgery after an accident yesterday.
Family aren't the most supportive.

I am "the coper" i am strong and nothing affects me and everyone just assumes i would carry on with no effect.

i will be ok. but right now it is horrible.
I've never really been through this before. The only long term relationship i have had other than this was my childrens father, he was severely abusive so leaving was totally different.

OP posts:
Patienceobtainsallthings · 15/05/2011 14:30

Pretty soon after my split,someone told me to look at this as a gift and to go on a journey of emotional development.
I could have punched them.........I was still very raw.
But like it or not that is what its been.
Big hugs ,im nearly 40 btw and I've been pushed way out my comfort zone .
Look after urself and ur dcs and get as much support as you can here and in RL x

BelleDameSansMerci · 15/05/2011 14:31

It's hard to end a relationship which just isn't working; it's so easy to slide back into the comfort of the familiarity even if it isn't right - does that make sense?

Is there anything you could do today to take your mind of things a little and help you to feel a bit better?

Patienceobtainsallthings · 15/05/2011 14:34

My MN pals really supported me,much more than RL x

Original poster
Mamaz0n · 15/05/2011 14:42

not really.
My folks are very much pro the split. I am stuck here all day.

I am just having a bit of self indulgant woe is me time. I will be ok in a little while im sure. but for now i just want to wallow

OP posts:
BelleDameSansMerci · 15/05/2011 14:44

Wallow away...

I found thinking of all the things he'd done to really piss me off/anger me over the previous eight years helped somewhat (even though I still love him to bits - the tosser)... It's so hard. Sad

ChippingIn · 15/05/2011 14:50

You may be the other side of 30 - but 'in your 30's' is young these days, your 30's are a great decade.

You may be a bit overweight - but it's all in the right places Grin

ChippingIn · 15/05/2011 14:52

Be self indulgent and 'woe is me' for a little bit longer - let it all out. Have a good cry tonight... then from tomorrow focus on the future and the things you want to be doing (with & without) the kids. Get a babysitter - go out with your friends, have a good time... life is for living and you don't need this miserable bugger fucking it up!

BecauseImWorthIt · 15/05/2011 14:53

Sorry, Mamazon Sad

schobe · 15/05/2011 14:53

It's shit. Really shit.

I don't know you at all, but I'm sitting here with my heart really bleeding for you as I remember how painful it is.

Time is really a wonderful thing, honestly, though you never believe that until loads later, however many times you've been through it.

I've read many times on here people saying how gorgeous you are. Mr perfect is out there honest, even if he just looks like Mr decent enough bloke at first...

Original poster
Mamaz0n · 15/05/2011 14:55

I want to believe all that. In a couple of days im sure i will.

I was single for a long time between leaving X and meeting DP. I think due to the relationship with X i needed that time to rebuild "me"
But it was so lonely.

I have hated this past 4 months. I have felt so alone. I have missed having someone to just talk about what was on the tv, to share a joke with, just to be there.
The thought of being alone for the next however long is so utterly depressing.

I don't need a man to complete me, of course not. And there are a million reasons why it is better for me to be single right now.
but i don't want to be. I wanted so much for the relationship to work.
It had so much promise, on paper it was perfect. But between us we screwed it up.

OP posts:
schobe · 15/05/2011 14:58

Erm Brian McFadden is back on the market. Does that help?

Any really good old friends you can persuade to come round with boxes of wine??

Doha · 15/05/2011 14:59

Mamazon you are a very pretty girl. In time there will be someone out there for you.
However for just now allow yourself to grieve for the end of your relationship. Don't go looking for Mr Right yet you have to learn to love yourself first.
New day new start.
Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are lovely (coz you are) make promise to yourself that you will do wee things for yourself and the DC's everyday.
We are all here to support you.

FabbyChic · 15/05/2011 15:01

Surely far better to be alone than with someone who is not right for you? Who is there just because, and not for the right reasons.

It takes time to recover from a relationship and you have to go through the grieving process first.

Make time for you, diet, exercise if you want to and feel better about yourself.

holderness · 15/05/2011 15:02

Well Ive just looked at your profile photo and ,unless you've stolen the photos off a passing celeb and they're not actually you , you have nothing -NOTHING to fear from the future.

I see a strong ,sparky,young woman who looks fantastic and who can make her own way in life. This young woman does not need to have her actions validated by a man .

Say goodbye to your old life and take a period of time out from relationships. Give yourself permission to be alone. Make a new life with your children.

When the time is right for you all ,you will find that a special someone will come into your lives. Enjoy the peace until then.

lazarusb · 15/05/2011 15:03

You are a good Mum and a caring daughter. You are a good person. You are strong and you will get through this. You are making the decision to move on.
You know you can do this and do it well. Stop focusing on what isn't right and congratulate yourself on what is. Good luck Smile