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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand holding and comforting head stroking needed please.

53 replies

Mamaz0n · 15/05/2011 14:07

I told DP to leave in january.

All this time i figured we would work it all out and we would be back together better than ever.

It just hasn't happened. for various reasons and faults on both sides.

Today i said that we had been stringing it out so long and that we needed to formalise the ending of teh relationship, to be kinder to ourselves.

I know this is for the best but i am hurting. I want to cry.

I am sat at my parents (dad is very ill and i am here every day helping out) and i just want to be home, in bed crying into my duvet.

tell me it is going to be ok. that im not giong to be the fat old spinster forever more. tell me that by splitting with DP i am paving the way for Mr prefect to enter my life.

you know, all that rubbish none of us believe but we tell ourselves to convince us that the pain is worth it.

pleeease

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamaz0n · 15/05/2011 15:04

Oh don't worry, im not busy signing up to Match.com just yet.

I still "feel" like i am attached iyswim. I don't feel free to be with someone else yet

I have decided to decorate my hall. stupid little thing but i have wanted to for ages, and in someways it helps me visualise a new fresh start.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 15/05/2011 15:11

Great - what colour are you going to do it??

Original poster
Mamaz0n · 15/05/2011 15:16

i went and got the paint this morning.
it is Dulux "wellbeing" it is a light green.

Its a pretty dark hall so i wanted something light. it looked calm and peaceful, but also fresh and clean. so i got it.

totally on a whim but hey ho. i can alwasy re paint if i hate it.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 15/05/2011 16:27

Mamazon, you are stunning! You have so much going for you love, please don't let the demise of a flawed relationship beat you, you will get through this, and you will come out the other side a better, happier person.

You have a lot on your plate at the moment, it will get easier, trust me.

BibiBlocksberg · 15/05/2011 16:49

Grrrr, just put together a very nice post then fumbled the keypad and it disappeared....rats

Anyway, of course you need to wail, wallow and grieve what was and what is never going to be now, that's only natural.

Think you're amazing for your strength - so many people (me included not so long ago) sit and justify our unhappiness with a relationship with all sorts, hoping it will get better one day etc.

Not you though!!!

Something I read many years ago now always resonates with me at times like this.

Basically, it goes that, if you want something new and better you first need to clear out the old and unwanted so that the universe knows you're ready and have room for the new.

Bit 'tree huggy' perhaps but I've often found it to be true (and it beats 'plenty more fish in the sea' :) )

Do whatever you need to to make you feel better right now but remember you WILL come out the other side soon - you've done it before you'll do it now!!

lazarusb · 15/05/2011 17:11

Today, your hall...
Tomorrow, the world!

(Well, ok, maybe not, but this is the beginning. It's a good thing to do for yourself IYSWIM, when it's done you can look at it and think 'I did that' and be proud. You have much to be happy about. Smile)

AnyFucker · 15/05/2011 17:27

I will hold you hand too, zonny x

You have had good advice, so will just send you some peace vibes Smile

Original poster
Mamaz0n · 15/05/2011 18:22

Thanks all.

I am finding it so much harder than i thought. I love him. i really do.

He has text me telling me that the issues can be ironed out and we can work through them. it is possible that we could.

I just looked back at some old posts from me waxing lyrical about how fabulous he is and how happy we were.

I am sitting here contemplating whether it was the right decision.
Whether i have expected perfect whilst dismissing reality.

Most of our problems were caused by logistics of both having children.

I am wavering.i am weak

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 15/05/2011 18:28

'Wellbeing' is certainly light and bright - do you think you were influenced by the name?? :) It should lighten up a dark hallway nicely and as you say, if you don't like it you can paint over it... no biggie is it!?

Do you have a lot of prep work to do or are your walls and skirting in good condition? I'm renovating at the moment but it's a nightmare as I want it all 'nice' so having to strip it all back to the walls - layers of paper/paint/plaster/crap... it's wearing me out!

Do you want to talk about what went wrong more specifically?

Why do you say 'I am weak' - why do you feel you need to stay away from him?

ChippingIn · 15/05/2011 18:29
UrsulaBuffay · 15/05/2011 18:35

Maybe some time apart will help, maybe things can be ironed out. It doesn't have to be 'the end'.

And also phwoar, I'd do you Grin

Original poster
Mamaz0n · 15/05/2011 18:40

the walls will need some minor sanding and filling, but they are reasonably ok.

I just googled it and the colour looks a lot brighter on screen than it does on teh tin.

yes maybe the name did appeal to me. i certainly wouldn't have thoguht i was a very "green" sort of person tbh.

It was just difficult merging our two loves together. we both have children and it ust seemed too difficult to get us all living as one family. lots of "discussion" over parenting styles ( he is far more disciplinarian than i am) etc

He had a long period where he wasn't working which also didn't help. Whilst i was supportive, at the end it got to the stage where i resented having to pay for everything

I think if we could have had someone just pick us all up and drop us somewhere neutral we would have been ok. part of me thinks we were both too scared to commit. we had both had pretty shitty relationships before and we were playing it too safe. in the end the lack of perceived commitment on both our parts became problematic.

To be honest now i am thinking about it, it is all a whole heap of nothing. maybe it was just a lot of silly little things that festered for so long they grew to what i thought were huge issues.

I want to be the strong independant woman i am advising everyone else to be all the time. I feel like such a fraud, hailed as this champion of womens independance and here i am unsure of myself and wanting to become every steretyp of a heartbroken female.

OP posts:
chubsasaurus · 15/05/2011 18:40

Just looked at your photos OP. You're very pretty.

Original poster
Mamaz0n · 15/05/2011 18:51

cheers Chabs and everyone else.

sadly when you look below the face it all goes a bit pete tong Grin

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 15/05/2011 18:53

Oh bollocks, you need to be able to see THIS face on the other side of the screen and below the head AND I'm the wrong side of 40!

Cheer up girl, it could be worse! you could be ME! Grin

Original poster
Mamaz0n · 15/05/2011 18:56

herhissyness - you do make me smile.

OP posts:
Reality · 15/05/2011 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wisedupwoman · 15/05/2011 19:08

Hello, just want to add to all of the above posts and say that no matter how much it hurts now you have done the right thing.

There is nothing worse than living in a dead relationship. You got out before it got really toxic and that speaks volumes about you and your courage to go with your conviction.

Plenty people just go on hoping and praying that things will get better, or ignoring the obvious, too afraid to make that leap, but not you. Posters will visit your thread and they'll find the courage to do what you have done because you did.

It will get better. It's shit now, but you wouldn't be human if it wasn't tbh.

ChippingIn · 15/05/2011 22:12

Mama - I was looking at it on my paint chart

supersalstrawberry · 15/05/2011 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BecauseImWorthIt · 15/05/2011 23:20

Mamazon - if you really love him, and if you think he's 'right', then what about some couples' counselling?

(I note that you have said your family is not exactly supportive though, so don't know if this reflects something significant about DP?)

If the reason you are separating/finishing is purely to do with practical issues, then this seems silly. But if you were to see someone impartial, perhaps they can help not only with the practical stuff, but also with the emotional baggage that inevitably goes with it?

bleedingstill · 15/05/2011 23:40

Chuck the bloke.
Paint the hall.
(You are stunningly beautiful. by the way)

lazarusb · 16/05/2011 16:34

You really are a stunning lady! Please stop putting yourself down. Paint your hall and move on. I know you can do it Grin

Original poster
Mamaz0n · 16/05/2011 17:14

bleeding that really did make me smile.

I whacked a bit of paint up last night. It is more green than i thought it woudlo be (silly as obviously it is green paint..but it looked a greygreen iyswim) but it is still nice.

Spent the day at hospital today with my friend. Her little boy nearly died as he was impailed on a fence and tore an artery.
Her x, his stepdad was there and he was fantastic. her son was calling him dad and all teh nurses just assumed he was his father. He was so much better than most dads, even though he isn't even with my friend anymore.
It made me think about how a good stepfather/son relationship should be.

Most of the friction with dp was with DS, Who has ASD and ADHD. I sometimes wonder if maybe that was part of it. that maybe he just needed time to settle in and to understand DS better.
Most of the time he was really good with him, both of them in fact. He was just more strict than i am, though maybe that wasn't such a bad thing.

The practical aspects could be sorted fairly soon. it was largely logistical.
He has a job now so that is another thing ticked off.

I don't know. I am so confused it is ridiculous.

but the hall will look nice

OP posts:
UrsulaBuffay · 16/05/2011 19:21

Jesus I hope the little boy is on the mend.

Green is a difficuly colour but great in a hall.

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