Hand holding and comforting head stroking needed please.

[Mamaz0n]

I told DP to leave in january.

All this time i figured we would work it all out and we would be back together better than ever.

It just hasn't happened. for various reasons and faults on both sides.

Today i said that we had been stringing it out so long and that we needed to formalise the ending of teh relationship, to be kinder to ourselves.

I know this is for the best but i am hurting. I want to cry.

I am sat at my parents (dad is very ill and i am here every day helping out) and i just want to be home, in bed crying into my duvet.

tell me it is going to be ok. that im not giong to be the fat old spinster forever more. tell me that by splitting with DP i am paving the way for Mr prefect to enter my life.

you know, all that rubbish none of us believe but we tell ourselves to convince us that the pain is worth it.

pleeease

Hmm it's a tough one. The ASD angle makes it very tricky (I have a DS with ASD too).

People without experience of special needs can be prone to come in thinking that being a bit disciplinarian will perform miracles. It can feel like a criticism too - ie you're being too soft when actually you just have a clue about autism/ADHD.

Tell us about what arguments/friction consisted of - if it helps. Otherwise, tell me to keep my beak out.

It was silly thigs like asking him to put toys away.
Ds lives in his own little bubble and even if he does hear you he will be so easily distracted he forgets.

Dp would tell him off rather than getting his attention and then repeating the request. Only silly things usually but when it happened a couple of times a day it sometimes felt like he was "on his case" quite a bit.

Admitedly this had been better recently as we had had a BIG talk about it.
I am quite a hands off parent. I like my children to be as independant as possible and feel that they should be left to entertain themselves for the majority of the time (ya know, that neglectfull parenting that we pretend is being hippy)

DP and his ex were working parents and when they were at home did everything for the children. if they wante dto play a game they played with them Their weekends were ruled by what the children wanted, entirely.

That is fine, just not how i do it.
Sometimes those styles of parenting just clashed. Like i say, nothing wrong with either approach just both very different.

Sometimes i thought it was a good thing as we sort of balanced each other out so the Dc got the best of both worlds.
But then at other times it just grated on me that he would be following them about and not allowing them to get on with things.

Parenting differences, even if they seem slight, can be so hard to resolve. Inevitably, the other person's suggestion or approach feels like a criticism and personal slight.

It's tough when you don't realise it's going to be an ussue until you have kids together. At least you have the advantage of seeing it since you both already have children. Not much comfort I know.

Honestly, sounds to me like it's just not working out. Relationships can be hard work, but surely it shouldn't be that hard especially if you've not been together for years and years.

I sense that you're worried you might be throwing something away because you're so concerned about being the strong, don't-fuck-with-me woman. Understandable given that you've been in a very abusive relationship.

My advice (for what it's worth) would be (a) to trust your instincts - you have a gut feeling it's not working, you had to ask him to move out. And (b) talk and talk to close family and friends who know you well and have your best interests at heart. What do they think? Are you being too defensive?