Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need strategies to stop my ex controlling me via the kids - long sorry.

97 replies

bustersmummy · 13/05/2011 09:27

DD's are 9 and 12.

Today, for example... (I know this sounds petty but if you search you'll see there's a history)

There's an agricultural show 50 miles away from us. Today is the last day. He is at it.

So, he had discussed me taking the DD's to the show, I'd said I'll see, busy week, hasn't happened.

So, DS took the girls last night on a big brother bonding session and they stayed over at exH. (DS's idea as I'd not had a proper break with exH not keeping them an evening this week due to show and also I had to take girls last weekend)

This morning got text from exH to say that he had spoken to the girls and they wanted to go to the show so he had written them both notes to get out of school early, sent the free tickets with DD1 and I should collect them at 12 from school.

Now, first off, it's my weekend with them, how dare he? Second off, DD1 has 2 birthday parties we've not got presents for yet and a fancy dress outfit to sort. Thirdly, I didn't agree to taking them out of school. fourthly, how fucking dare he and free tickets or not it's going to cost me in fuel and food and parking.

AND I texted back and said "you should have discussed with me. Assume you have sorted presents and cards for parties then as I will not have time this evening if at show"

He texted back "No I have not sorted presents and cards. This is your weekend, your responsibility"

And of course, the DD's want to go, to see the animals and see their Dad so I will have to go.

So, gimme strategies to stop this please

(and sorry it's long)

OP posts:
Original poster
bustersmummy · 13/05/2011 10:42

And you lot are dead 'ard you are Grin

OP posts:
DrGruntFotter · 13/05/2011 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
bustersmummy · 13/05/2011 10:45

LOL bet you're not fat really Grin

One down one to go

OP posts:
Original poster
bustersmummy · 13/05/2011 10:46

AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING HE DOES

Makes his "announcement" about what he has decreed is going to happen.

And then doesn't answer his fucking phone so I can't argue talk to him about it.

OP posts:
yoshiLunk · 13/05/2011 10:49

yes, that's deliberate. bustersmummy

He is an arse.

I have just read your wedding thread, - are you going to start ranting, because that was hilarious on that thread btw "do you want me to start about the mother, do ya ? DO YA? " Grin

bumpybecky · 13/05/2011 10:51

ah well in that case what happens if you play that game too?

he sent you a text to tell you he'd changed plans for today that required you do something you wouldn't normally do

if he does that again DO NOT TEXT BACK! ignore the text and carry on as before. If you hadn't have texted back you could have ignored the whole stupid plan

Original poster
bustersmummy · 13/05/2011 10:52

My exMIL is .... difficult. Grin

OP posts:
bumpybecky · 13/05/2011 10:53

he needs to be retrained so that changes to the plan are discussed and agreed in plenty of time before the event

do not let him control your time - 'I'm sorry that doesn't work with my plans for today, we need to agree things in advance'

Snorbs · 13/05/2011 10:56

I feel for you, I really do. I also have an ex who has a nasty habit of telling the DCs about what's going to happen (and, in particular, what I'm going to agree to) without discussing it with me.

The only way to play this is to be firm and to tell the truth. "We can't do this because we have to get presents and fancy dress for the parties. I'm sorry that your dad didn't let us know sooner so we could have arranged something. I don't know why he doesn't plan ahead a bit better. I'll ask him to give us more notice in the future." Note the use of "us" and "we" - his poor planning isn't just causing inconvenience for you, it's affecting the children too.

Teaching your children that they have to stick to their prior commitments isn't being the bad guy, it's teaching them not to blow off important stuff just because something new has turned up.

MidnightsChild · 13/05/2011 10:56

Frankly, that's ideal as you don't have to talk to him about it, do you? Its your weekend, you get to make the decision. Just send him a text saying its not going to happen and to check his e-mail. Then send an e-mail explaining your decision in more detail (there are a number of great posts on here that you can quote which demonstrate a "don't fuck with me" manner). Then let your phone go to voicemail/answerphone too ... after all, you're busy rushing round with those birthday parties.

Diggs · 13/05/2011 11:03

I wouldnt phone him , its none of his business .

If this is how things have been for years it will understandably be hard to break the pattern of agreeing with him , but you can . At 9 and 12 your kids are perfectly old enough to understand whats what. Tell them firmly that its not ok for dad to make plans involving you , and that from now on this wont be happening anymore .

DrGruntFotter · 13/05/2011 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lookthepartbethepart · 13/05/2011 11:11

Bustersmummy, just a quick view from the other side. I grew up in a situation not dis-similar. I always whinged and moaned when my Mum put her foot down because I was a typical 9 year old. However, I completely knew she was in the right and knew my Dad was being an arse. Over time, 2 other siblings and I identified the behaviour patterns and, well we're all in contact with my Mum but none of us see my Dad now. Extreme situation but point is the kids WILL moan but that doesn't mean they won't on a more important level understand what is happening.

Agree that it's also really important for their self-esteem to show that you will not be pushed around. Children act out what they see in their parent's relationships when they get older, so if he is as big an arse as he sounds you're going to have to put all you energy into being the strong good role model.

DO IT FOR THE KIDS!!! Good luck - sounds very tough but I bet you can do it.

Original poster
bustersmummy · 13/05/2011 11:15

Oh yeah, it's an annual show, he's known since last year when it was

Lookthepart -that's good to hear your perspective.

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 13/05/2011 11:51

Well done buster!

Time for things to change.

Think about it - he can 'announce' all he likes, but if he realises that no matter what he announces, you simply do not do it unless he deals with it in a way that is respectful to you...then he might start to change.

If you grumble or try to 'explain' but do it anyway - nothing will change at all!

He ENJOYS you trying to explain and tying yourself in knots. He WANTS you to be running around flustered. It's his way of punishing you.

Unfortunately it also punishes the children - so it's worth the fight.

You don't even have to argue the point. You simply DO NOT COMPLY. Even to the point of not letting him know you won't be complying until he asks. It's your weekend. Change the plans with the school. No getting in car and taking them to any show. None of his business.

'No, of course I'm not there. I have told you many times not to try and railroad me into plans through the children. Check with me next time, and stop trying to be so pathetically controlling'. Phone DOWN!

Xales · 13/05/2011 16:09

You do not need to phone him to tell him you are not going. He is not your controller (that is what this is all about) you do not need to advise him or explain to him anything.

You do not need to talk to him about this at all simply repeat back what he say 'this is my weekend, my responsibility' and hang up if you need to. You do not need to talk about this with him at all.

Tell your children there were already other plans and their dad should not have made this decision without you and you are sorry he got them excited.

FabbyChic · 13/05/2011 16:15

You need to tell him not to make arrangements on your behalf as he has no idea what other things you may have planned. And that if he does make plans for something you cannot attend you will in future not be taking them.

catinthehat2 · 13/05/2011 18:20

OK.
What happened?

OTTMummA · 13/05/2011 18:42

He is acting like you are still his wife, and are there for his convienence.
Thinking about it now, i wouldn't phone him about not going either.
He needs a big lesson on what is and isn't acceptable.

ShoutyHamster · 13/05/2011 18:48

How did it go?

Did you flick him the metaphorical birdie? Grin

clam · 13/05/2011 19:02

I think that, at 9 and 12, your dds are old enough for you to explain that they cannot go to the show on this occasion, and why. Who's in charge? You.
Of course they want to go to the show - it means missing some school. So tell them that's non-negotiable. I think it's fair enough to tell them that Dad was out of line in telling them that they could, but that they must take it up with him.
If you get any of the "oh mum, you're mean," smile and tell them it's in the job description and to get used to it!

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 13/05/2011 20:11

I have a feeling the lack of update may be because buster is knee-deep in mud and cow shit.

Don't feel bad if you caved this time buster - resisting this kind of manipulation, especially from someone prepared to use your kids as weapons, is HARD. If it didn't work out this time, just store up the advice for next time!

ShoutyHamster · 13/05/2011 20:57

Yes. Don't worry if you've caved, Buster - you're on the right road and that's the important thing.

PLUS, when you do put your foot down, it gives you the chance to use the following line:

' sigh. Look, I've let you get away with this kind of nonsense many times, and given you lots of chances to show me yourself that you can be mature and responsible, and put the girls first. But you can't. You use them as a weapon to try and control me, and it's silly and pathetic, and the girls are beginning to realise it. So for your own good, from now on I'm going to have to ignore your game-playing. I don't want the girls to start resenting you.'

Original poster
bustersmummy · 13/05/2011 20:59

Didn't cave!!

Took the girls out got the presents, (photo frames, we've been decorating them to make them unique), got tea out and am now making a zebra costume.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 13/05/2011 21:04

lol

and has he called/text yet??

Swipe left for the next trending thread