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Original poster

I need strategies to stop my ex controlling me via the kids - long sorry.

97 replies

bustersmummy · 13/05/2011 09:27

DD's are 9 and 12.

Today, for example... (I know this sounds petty but if you search you'll see there's a history)

There's an agricultural show 50 miles away from us. Today is the last day. He is at it.

So, he had discussed me taking the DD's to the show, I'd said I'll see, busy week, hasn't happened.

So, DS took the girls last night on a big brother bonding session and they stayed over at exH. (DS's idea as I'd not had a proper break with exH not keeping them an evening this week due to show and also I had to take girls last weekend)

This morning got text from exH to say that he had spoken to the girls and they wanted to go to the show so he had written them both notes to get out of school early, sent the free tickets with DD1 and I should collect them at 12 from school.

Now, first off, it's my weekend with them, how dare he? Second off, DD1 has 2 birthday parties we've not got presents for yet and a fancy dress outfit to sort. Thirdly, I didn't agree to taking them out of school. fourthly, how fucking dare he and free tickets or not it's going to cost me in fuel and food and parking.

AND I texted back and said "you should have discussed with me. Assume you have sorted presents and cards for parties then as I will not have time this evening if at show"

He texted back "No I have not sorted presents and cards. This is your weekend, your responsibility"

And of course, the DD's want to go, to see the animals and see their Dad so I will have to go.

So, gimme strategies to stop this please

(and sorry it's long)

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 13/05/2011 10:13

you need to put a stop to it now bustersmummy,you really,really do

and the dc will have to suck it up....they will realise eventually what his game was. they are old enough to be told some of this too.

is there a contact order in place?

Original poster
bustersmummy · 13/05/2011 10:14

DrGrunt and Bluebell - I think that's what I'll do in future, explain to the girls, talk to the school and try to talk to exH (again) about organising stuff without clearing it with me first.

But oh it is just such a battle and it shouldn't be.

I don't do this on him, he shouldn't do it to me.

And it is pissing pure buckets out of the heavens.

OP posts:
LittleHousebytheRiver · 13/05/2011 10:14

Excellent posting ShoutyHamster

Listen to her bustersmummy she talks sense! Good mothers sometimes say NO and children understand that and appreciate boundaries.

Original poster
bustersmummy · 13/05/2011 10:15

Contact is every other weekend, one weeknight (he takes them to school that morning, well DD1 gets the bus) and half of holidays.

But his last weekend, I had DD1 all day Saturday and then both of them on Sunday until lunchtime

OP posts:
catinthehat2 · 13/05/2011 10:15

read the following again, and spend a little more time digesting it this time
"You need to care a little less about being seen as the baddie for a while and put your bloody foot down my dear."
all this last minute stuff puts you all of a dither and makes you do what you are told without thinking it through

so stop & think

DrGruntFotter · 13/05/2011 10:15

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Original poster
bustersmummy · 13/05/2011 10:19

I had planned to go and get the presents for the 2 birthday parties tonight.

I think it's right that I get flustered and feel railroaded when he does this - too many years of him doing this and it is easy just to fall into the pattern maybe?

OP posts:
porpoisefull · 13/05/2011 10:21

It's not going to be fun, but you are going to have to put your foot down at some stage and be 'bad mummy', because at some point he will arrange something for you that is just impossible. Could you think of an alternative treat for the girls to try and make it up to them a bit?

Dropdeadfred · 13/05/2011 10:21

dont do it in future - do it today!
just explain to the girls that daddy shouldnt have said they could go...then take them somewhere else fun instead...

porpoisefull · 13/05/2011 10:22

That's what I meant - it might as well be now. And if it's raining that makes it easier.

DrGruntFotter · 13/05/2011 10:24

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Original poster
bustersmummy · 13/05/2011 10:24

I'm going to have to amn't I?

OP posts:
DrGruntFotter · 13/05/2011 10:25

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weareallchangingnamesforthis · 13/05/2011 10:26

yes, but this is your chance, call the school, say it's been a mistake, the girls are staying, pick them up with a treat and say: oh, silly daddy didn't organize this very well, explain to them properly what's happened and do your plans as normal, tomorrow call him, tell him what you have done today and that he is not to upset the children again this way... and that you are not his doormat, even if you have to add anymore... that you expect him to behave more responsibly or it will be consequences to his visitation rights, check this out with a layer, i really don't know that is possible, but you can threat.

Needanewname · 13/05/2011 10:26

So what if your the baddie, I'm often the baddie in our house and DH and I are together. Its called being a parent.

You need to let them know daddy made a mistake and that they can;t leave school early, besides your busy anyway doing stuff for the parties they're going to. They saw daddy last night and will see him again next week.

Stop allowing him to manipulate you.

Original poster
bustersmummy · 13/05/2011 10:28

They didn't go to the show yesterday - DS took them for a DVD night - that wasn't clear in my original post. DS is just home from Uni and he wanted a night with them doing big brother silly stuff, xh wasn't there coz he was at the show so DS took them there for a DVD and chips and nonsense night.

OP posts:
DrGruntFotter · 13/05/2011 10:28

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DrGruntFotter · 13/05/2011 10:29

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Dropdeadfred · 13/05/2011 10:30

Also - the girls are going to have no respect for you in the future if they seee that their dad clicks his fingers and you jump into line with HIS plans
just explain to them that he shouldnt have said they were going, then do something of your choice with them instead

your weekend - your responsibility...keep chanting that to yourself Smile

yoshiLunk · 13/05/2011 10:30

OK with a bit more information it does shed a different light on this, - apologies for jumping the gun with my initial response.

Actually it's good it's raining because you can cancel the plans for a good reason and not because it doesn't suit you, so you get to not be the bad guy.

I agree with making it clear to the school that you didn't approve the half day off.

'Phone him and tell him he's really got to clear things with you first if it's in 'your time' and add something like "i'm sure you don't want the girls upset or disappointed any more than I do"

Original poster
bustersmummy · 13/05/2011 10:32

I have told and told and told him he can't organise stuff for my time and he should discuss things and clear them with me before he tells the girls.

I might as well talk to the wall.

The wedding invitation (see the thread I linked to) was a case in point, he got the invitation for the girls 4 weeks before the wedding but didn't tell me until the Wednesday before. Apparently he "forgot". It "slipped his mind".

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 13/05/2011 10:37

have you told him the girls arent going???

Original poster
bustersmummy · 13/05/2011 10:38

He's not answering his phone.

Just about to phone the schools.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 13/05/2011 10:39

Grin Good for you - be strong! Dont feel bad either - his problem not yours!!

DrGruntFotter · 13/05/2011 10:41

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