Have gone weirdly shy with BF!

[BEAUTlFUL]

Ugh! And Argh! I've been seeing a lovely man for 6 months. He's talking mariage, it's all good. Except lately I'm becoming more and more shy when I'm with him! I don't now why, but I've gone all self-conscious and can't relax. I talk about boring, boooring stuff (because nothing fun comes into my mind), I gaze into anything reflective, I sometimes go weirdly moody out of massive self-consciousness... HELP!

We could be having so much fun together, but I've gone so bashful. Please help.

I can never relax with him until we've shagged. But I can't start every date like that. Drinking could help, but I can't just get pissed with him.

I went through something similar with ex-H, but i thought it was his fault. BF couldn't be more different to ex, and yet the self-consciousness shyness has returned.

It's really, really pissing me off. I do weird shy stuff, like ending phonecalls abruptly, not being sassy and sarky like I usually am (with everyone else), tripping over, etc. Don't tell me he thinks it's sweet because it's not like that, I'm weird and odd.

He is lovely and such good fun. I don't know why this is happening.

It's like I feel constantly stressed. I also think about him allllllllllll the time which is totally getting on my nerves!

you knwo what the answer is - you need to talk to him about it.

sorry :(

But why is it happening?? I could talk to him about anything but I'd rather fix this on my own. The fact that it's happened with two partners now suggests to me it's my problem, not a man's!

dunno why it's happening.
I know what you mean, though, strangely, I have a similar problem with physical intimacy.

a problem shared is a problem halved and all that?

Are you on the Pill? Because mine sent me absolutely loopy, so much so that I've just come off it. It was making me question every little thing about my (incredibly fabulous) relationship and just makign me feel odd. Now I've not been on it for 2 weeks the difference in me is amazing. It's worth looking at what hormones you are taking imo.
Otherwise, maybe it's just the pressure of the next step iyswim? Talkign marriage is pretty serious, maybe it's getting to you, consciously or not. I'm 7 months in with my dp and it does get a bit different at around this stage imo.

Just tell him. It's better than leaving it so he thinks maybe you're going off him - sounds like you definitely don't want that.

I'm not on the Pill. I know what you mean, it feels exactly like weird hormonal shite. Maybe the "next step" is getting to me... But how can I loosen up again? He loves me, he thinks I'm great, I should be able to relax!

I second the pill thing. Mine sent me totally west for a little bit.

Also, he's talking some pretty big commitment. Maybe subconsciously you're not ready for that yet - scared of it going wrong again like it did with your ex, etc.

I was really confident-seeming when we met. Since then I've opened up more and confided in him about stuff, like the fact I wory a lot, etc. I can't confide this too, I'm worried (see?!) that I'll just start to seem odd. Or laden with ishoos.

I've also built him up to almost God-like status. :( I think he's fantastic now, whereas when I met him, he was just a normal man.

I think it is quite early days to be talking marriage: maybe you're feeling pressured or conflicted?

I get the impression you're beginning to lose yourself in all this. You need to chill out and get a bit of perspective.

I went through exactly the same thing with my DP at roughly the same stage. Put him way up there on a pedestal and felt a bit awestruck whenever I was with him. Then I had to remind myself he's just a man and actually I am pretty awesome as well.

It's weird. I understand what you're describing but can't explain why it happened to me, or why it's happening to you. I think you need to pay attention to yourself and your good points for a while. Redress the power imbalance.

I think it's normal, honestly. It's just that you're at the stage where it's ok to show each other your vulnerabilities. I burst into tears this last week (when I was all screwed up still by the pill admittedly, but still) when dp said he was takign me for a meal this weekend. I've had food issues for years and have always struggled through when we've been on dates. It's only now I feel comfortable and secure telling him how difficult that is for me, to have people watching me as I eat (I know ) which is good I guess as it shows I do trust him, but it makes me feel a little bit crazy to admit that and makes me worry I'm too much for him. Or maybe not enough? I don't know. But it is part and parcel of getting to know someone intimately I think. It is scary and you do run the risk of being hurt.

IMO six months is waaaaaay too early to be talking about marriage. Do you think this is all moving a bit fast and maybe that's why you're getting anxious?

We're not talking seriously about getting married... Just that, if things continued to go as well as they are, that's the direction we'd like it to take. Maybe. One day. I'm not scared by that, it was just sweet and nice.

I think it's what madonnawhore said - I'm losing myself, and that power-shift has taken place. so i need to regain fabulosity!

Er -- how do I do that?!

By the way, it helps SO MUCH to hear that other people have gone through this too! I was imagining every other dater in the world was serene and ball-busting, sailing through relationships with perfect hair and complete dignity. I haven't made a twat of myself, but I've come a bit too close to it for my liking.

So, tips, please, on refocussing? I've stepped up the gym and am going almost every day, that really helps. What else can I do..?

BooBooGlass -- I think you'd be surprised to know how many other women have eating issues.

Unfortunately not Beaut. I see it all around me. I don't know a single woman with a healthy attitude to their food and bodies. Horrid sign of the times :(
As for refocussing? Me and dp had been seeing a lot of each other and I found it quite overwhelming. Not in a bad way necessarily, but I was getting stressed at all the stuff that wasn't getting done iyswim, housework, homework, and tbh with a toddler at home I never get time just on my own, which means I don't get any kind of downtime. So we cut back a bit. Just for a couple of weeks, seeign each other several times, but it's done us the world of good.

We only see each other once a week as it is! We're quite long-distance, but we speak on the phone most days. I'm off on holiday in a couple of weeks, perhaps that'll do the trick.

Oh I'm glad you're going on holiday, that's what helped me get 'myself' back. I went away with a good friend and, I know this sounds weird but kind of tried to get back into the headspace of being single. I don't mean that I wanted to meet other guys or anything like that, I mean I reminded myself that I could be fine on my own and still have fun and do exciting things and be my own person. I felt much more in control of my emotions and generally better about everything when I got back. And of course absence made the heart grow fonder too :)

Do you have good female friends or have you let them slide a bit because of the new relationship (having to be in to phone him or something)? Because oddly it sounds like the relationship is lowering your self-esteem, something that shouldn't really be happening. Spending time with close female friends is IMO the best thing ever for remembering what YOU are like, and forgetting any silly worries about not being good enough. Of course you're bloody good enough, I expect he feels the same way.

Could be fear of intimacy. You're getting close to him so your defence mechanisms (i.e. shyness) are kicking in out of fear. you're not able to be yourself around him because you're putting up walls to stop the relationship progressing, even though consciously you want it to progress. Just a theory.
Obviously that's something you want to overcome if it is a pattern that you're repeating in each relationship. (Not quite sure how you'd do that but..sometimes understanding a problem is the first step to sorting it)

Talk to him about it. We guys are paranoid and pessimistic so when you girls show signs of backing off we see it as a shift from relationship to friendship to being kicked to the kerb. We try to salvage the show by giving you space, not sending our daily SMS messages or waiting for you to ring us rather than us ringing you, which may be interpreted by you as us losing interest too. We're also shallow enough to see your continued interest in sex as a possible sign that there is some hope, so we try harder in that department but eventually the law of diminishing returns kicks in. Ten percent of something isn't always better than a hundred percent of bugger all. You have what sounds like a potentially great relationship - something hard to find, especially as we get older. Talk to him about it.

I think it's completely understandable. The stakes are now higher as you have realised how much you like him and this is making you nervous as you are terrified of screwing it up. I would tell him in a light-hearted way, e.g. "I seem to have gone all shy around you recently!" He will probably think it is sweet/funny.

BEAUTIFUL? wasn't your previous marriage/relationship a horrific experience I seem to recall?

It could be fear of history repeating itself. It won't be, not necessarily. talk it out, and please try to see him as a normal human being, not a god, or you are setting yourself, and him up for a fall.