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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Email from the ex has pissed me off

62 replies

whethergirl · 10/05/2011 23:31

I broke up with my ex about 4 months ago and decided we should have a clean break. Although I have insisted that we have no contact, he has sent several emails which I have ignored. All has been quiet for weeks, then I get another email from him today, and it's pissing me off and wonder if I should just write one last reply, which is what he is requesting, for "closure".

The email has the same victim mentality, poor me, manipulative, emotionally draining tone that I ran away from. I don't want to be horrible to him, yet he keeps giving me the whole "why can't we be friends? I thought you cared? Obviously you're not the person I thought you were. Am I really so terrible?" crap which is now making me want to say my piece.

I have tried to be as tactful and gentle as I can with him, but in the last email I sent him in Feb, I told him I didn't like him trying to force his friendship on me, that he needed to try and move on as I have. He then replied saying he wanted a couple of jewellery items (given to me as presents!) back and that this was his last communication (which he has also promised several times).

He is really fucking annoying me. What do you think I should do?

OP posts:
Meikyo · 10/05/2011 23:36

I would ignore him...he is feeding off your replies...

FabbyChic · 10/05/2011 23:37

Ignore him, once you reply he will reply back and it won't ever stop.

Why not even block his emails so you never get them?

Snorbs · 10/05/2011 23:43

He doesn't want "closure", he wants to keep in touch with you probably with a view to trying to persuade you to give it another go. If you keep ignoring him then, eventually, he'll give up and go away. If you respond then he'll ramp it up.

tallwivglasses · 10/05/2011 23:44

I agree , ignore. Whatever you say, he won't be happy until he hears, 'You're right! I have seen the error of my ways - take me back, I beg you...'

And something tells me you're not going to say that any more than you're going to give him back his jewellery (the cheeky git)

perfumedlife · 10/05/2011 23:44

If you can't ingnore him, though you really should as it's the way that works, send him one telling him you are feeling stalked and are forwarding any further emails to the police.

Original poster
whethergirl · 10/05/2011 23:46

I could do that...if he tries to send me an email once i've blocked him, will it bounce back to him do you know?

Exactly why I kept ignoring him, otherwise I knew it wouldn't stop, but it still hasn't stopped and wonder if I should send one last one. Having said that, although he is acting all confused and needing closure, I have told him everything he needs to know in the past. All he needs to do is read my past emails for all the answers and I have nothing more to say really.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 10/05/2011 23:47

Yep it will say it couldn't be delivered! So he will probably guess you have changed your email address.

AnyFucker · 10/05/2011 23:52

carry on ignoring him

re-igniting contact will just make him think he has won back your attention

it sounds like a complete waste of time...he will give up eventually

Original poster
whethergirl · 10/05/2011 23:56

Yes you're right everyone, all along I've been ignoring him but this is what happens when you feel hounded. Or being made to feel unreasonable - even though I know he is being manipulative. As I said to him before, it's not so much that I'm ignoring him, HE is ignoring ME (as in my request for no contact!).

Spot on tallwivglasses, nothing I say is enough closure for him. Because he doesn't want closure, he wants us back together.

OP posts:
Original poster
whethergirl · 11/05/2011 00:00

AnyFucker! You were there for me when I was thinking of splitting up with him and you were trying to get through to my thick skull what a loser he was! And I was actually hesitating about what to do! Blimey, it all seems so obvious when I look back now. But thanks, you were right and fuck me, don't I feel so much lighter without all that emotional torture.

OP posts:
Original poster
whethergirl · 11/05/2011 00:11

Ok, there is one niggle. He reckons he has been getting facebook msgs by accident, intended for me, from my friends on facebook. The other reason I was going to contact him was to ask him about this as it obviously concerns me but think I know what he is talking about, and he has exaggerated what actually happened.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 11/05/2011 00:18

AAaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh Do not have the Facebook conversation with him.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 11/05/2011 00:28

You could ask one or two friends you really trust if they might have done this in error, but don't ask Whinyarse.
Do you particularly want to keep the jewellery? If not, you could send it back to him (registered post ie has to be signed for) with a note inside that says: 'Here is the jewellery. Do not contact me again. The relationship is over and there is nothing to discuss'.

Original poster
whethergirl · 11/05/2011 00:38

Oh I sent back the jewellery ages ago! He's bloody welcome to it. What kind of git asks for presents back ffs. Never wore the stuff anyway, it was the kind of jewellery HE would wear, not me.

Yeh I think I know what he means re the facebook, it was basically 2 very general messages from friends that he accidentally got copied in on, but he claims "I keep getting updates on you from far to many sources..." And mentioned they were "private" msgs which they weren't at all (neither were they updates). I can't think how else he would have access, seeing as I've blocked him on facebook. He knows what I'm like and that I worry about this kind of thing so think he's just using it to get me to respond.

OP posts:
bigheartedwoman · 11/05/2011 00:44

closure, completely.
Don't respond whether, whatever channels he chooses to go through.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 11/05/2011 00:51

I just reread your other thread. I knew you were going to have trouble gettingrid of this dick at the time you dumped him. The best thing to do now is to send him a letter by registered post saying 'Do not attempt to contact WG again. Any futher communications from you will be reported to the police and may lead to you being charged with harassment.'
Remember this man has NO RIGHT whatsoever to any kind of relationship with you and you can use the full force of the law to make him fuck off. Have you kept any of the abusive texts or emails he sent you? If he sends any more keep those, and if he does send texts or emails after you have sent the registered letter, you can take them straight to the police.

The thing is with sending the registered letter is that to get the police to deal with a harasser, the harasser has to have been told that contact from him is unwanted AFAIK.

AnyFucker · 11/05/2011 07:07

sorry, missed your update last night

I vaguely remember you, and somehow I think I don't need to hunt out your old thread to know with certainty that dumping this bloke (and continuing to ignore him utterly ) is absolutely the right thing to do

zikes · 11/05/2011 08:39

If you have only been tactful/gentle, now might be the time to reply and say "I want nothing to do with you. Do not contact me again. Piss off."

I know I had to tell a few to fuck off.

Don't remember reading your other threads and don't know how to search for them, so this may not be the best advice if he's violent/abusive, but a normalish needy bloke will get the message.

If he's stalker-y/abusive, then I'd do as SGB suggests.

funnyspelling · 11/05/2011 11:11

Sounds like you do need to tell him to stop. He's obviously sitting at home brooding about you, instead of going out and having a good time and meeting
other women. But i would say, look at some of the many threads on here from women who have been left and are devastated/can't eat etc and remember there is a person with feelings receiving that text.

It sounds like he cared for you very much and has a broken heart.

zikes · 11/05/2011 11:44

Was I being too harsh Smile?

Once I've said 'stop contacting me' nicely a couple of times, as the OP seems to have done, then it's time for a clue-by-four.

AnyFucker · 11/05/2011 13:18

No zikes, you weren't too harsh

funnyspelling is lovely and nice, but maybe needs to have the back story to understand that this bloke needs to be told to fuck the fuck off

perfumedlife · 11/05/2011 13:24

Too mild zikes Grin

madonnawhore · 11/05/2011 13:32

I remember your original thread, OP. This guy is a complete tool; don't engage with him. The facebook messages thing is clearly bollocks. And even if it weren't, all he needs to do is unfriend your friends or block them and he won't get the updates. No need to come cryign to you about it, it's just another excuse to get in contact.

IGNORE.

ratspeaker · 11/05/2011 13:40

Could you mark his email address as spam them it'll go straight to your spam folder and you wont even need to see them, of course this depends of the layout of your email
You could always opena new gmail account for use with close friends and family

Anniegetyourgun · 11/05/2011 13:48

I'm glad you gave him back his jewellery. He didn't have a right to it (how dreadful to even ask!) but it removed one tie to him, and would have sent an unequivocal message to any rational person that it was really really over!

Everyone's right that you should not engage further. I'd find it difficult myself, probably would have to say something, even if it was "what part of 'I never want to hear from you again' doesn't work for you?", but they are right. He's just email spam really, and everyone knows you shouldn't answer spam.

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