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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shaking like a leaf- got proof of dh's affair...

63 replies

MimieD · 10/05/2011 12:14

have been suspecting for a while that DH is having an affair with a colleague but he always denied saying they were just friends. She's also married with kids. Anyway, had a tough couple of days trying to sort my mixed emotions and thinking I was just being paranoid and went into his email account (never done that before) and found an email in his sent box that is definite proof of an affair. He's out tonight so I sent him a mail saying he has to make a choice tonight: his family or her. Im shaking like a leaf.....so so disappointed, angry and sad. Not sure how I'm going to get through the day with a happy face for DDs... Also scared as I gave up my job to take care of dd2 when she was born 2,5 years ago... I don't know if I want to rescue our marriage as I'm not sure I will ever trust him again. He's done so so much lying Sad

OP posts:
ElectricSoftParade · 10/05/2011 12:17

MimieD I am so sorry you have to deal with this but I really don't have any practical advice for you. I hope you have someone in RL you can talk to and that you are able to make the changes you feel necessary. I am very sorry.

TheyKnowEsperanto · 10/05/2011 12:17

Firstly big hugs. But secondly, if you're not sure if you can trust him again then why give him the choice: you or her? You make the choice. He has made his choice by breaking your marriage vows. I think he should sleep elsewhere until you have had a chance to process your feelings, get some counselling just for you and know what YOU want. Now you have the information the ball is in your court. He chose as soon as he started the affair. The choice is yours.

madonnawhore · 10/05/2011 12:20

I agree with TheyKnowEsperanto. Why give him a choice at all? If you don't know if you want to rescue the marriage then tell him his stuff will be waiting for him on the doorstep tonight and not to bother contacting you unless it's to talk about the DC's.

Do you have friends/family you can call to come and hold your hand?

Original poster
MimieD · 10/05/2011 12:29

Thanks for answering so quickly. I have one friend who went through the same thing with her xdh, will contact her once I've had some time to process.
You're right, why did I give him a choice?! We've been together for 16 years, I think I'm just scared. I have no family here, no income, no savings anymore.... So upset he's done this to our family....

OP posts:
worldgonecrazy · 10/05/2011 12:29

You need to take a break and think about what you want to be the final outcome here.
Do you want to 'fix' your marriage. If so are you willing to compromise, do you think you and oh can still be romantically together or do you think that you are good enough friends to stay together as friends. There are lots of couples out there who have realised that they can stay married whilst not sleeping together.

Is your OH in love with this woman, or in love with the excitement of an affair, or is it just a sexual and emotionless liaison?
If you OH stops seeing this woman do you want him to get a new job or ask for a departmental move?
Many couples find ways to live together and make a go of things after an affair but it relies courage, commitment and strength all around.

carlywurly · 10/05/2011 12:30

You poor thing. I can remember that sick, shaky feeling all too well.

you've had some good advice here - don't be on your own if you can help it, my friend was round when I found out and was amazing, helped me pack some things and I headed straight off to another friend who lived a couple of hours away. That breathing room gave me lots of time to think.

And if you decide you don't want him to come home at all, then it won't be you who's ended the marriage. It's him, through his actions.

Am so sorry you are going through this.

diggingintheribs · 10/05/2011 12:33

Has he replied?

I'm really sorry you are going through this. Are you in the UK but your family is abroad? Have you any visits scheduled either there or a family member coming here?

I'm sure he will give you a whole heap of BS as he hasn't been honest so far so just listen and stay strong.

You should tell him to leave so that you can decide what choice you are going to make. Buy yourself a little time to get things in order.

ChippingIn · 10/05/2011 12:35

Don't worry about having given him the choice - you have only given him the choice of whether to come home tonight or go out. The choice about everything else is still yours.

I'm sorry you have found proof that he is having an affair. It's devastating. However, it is also a relief to find out that you aren't 'paranoid' but in fact can trust your instincts.

Have a drink (tea/water/juice) and a biscuit.

Do you have anyone who could have DD today - preferably for a sleep-over?

It is far too soon to decide what you want to do about his long term.

((hugs))

ChippingIn · 10/05/2011 12:36

his this or his him

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 10/05/2011 12:36

Oh I wish you could reach into cyberspace and retract that E mail. I'm assuming the shock propelled you to do that rather than inventing an excuse for him to come home immediately so that you could confront him and get the truth, but unfortunately, this means that lots of evidence might now be destroyed, he and OW will be having panicked phone calls getting their stories straight and by the time he gets home, you will only get partial truths.

You cannot undo this now, but what you can do is to retract the offer you made in that E mail. You are passing the choice over to him and in truth right now, you cannot know with any certainty that you would be able to forgive and get past this.

After a discovery, some people want space and time apart and others need answers to their many questions. I imagine that you feel in no fit state to keep the show on the road at home and act normally in front of the DCs, so if you want time apart from your H, get some help from people in RL. Don't try to do this alone, because you are in fact suffering an enormous trauma.

If he has any intention of saving your marriage, he should be home imminently. If he chooses to flight from this situation rather than face it and tell the truth, your decision becomes easier.

Original poster
MimieD · 10/05/2011 12:41

I can undo the mail as I sent it to his personal mail box and he has not read it yet....however, I did take copies of a sent message from him that is definite proof...shaking like a leaf but still trying to keep my wits together. There is no denying. I went through his whole mailbox and thi saws the only one, they must have been very careful.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 10/05/2011 12:55

You don't need anymore proof do you? How bad was the email?

hormonalmum · 10/05/2011 13:03

MimieD I hope you have someone you can talk to soon. I am not sure if my advice will be any good, but what about writing things down now that pop into your head to ask your h. Then you might not forget to ask things when he comes home.
All the best and very un -mn hugs

Flippingebay · 10/05/2011 13:04

I agree with WWIFN. Delete the email, and empty the trash from his folder (the one you sent, not his email) and confront him face to face.

When I found out my DH was having an affair I spent a week gathering info, proof, if you want, about it. I'm so glad I did as at first he tried to pretend he had no idea what I was talking about, then he told me they were just friends. When I confronted him, drip fed him my evidence he had no choice but to fess up and admit. And because he had no idea what I did and didn't know, I bluffed further evidence out of him. I never did tell him either how I found out, so, to this day, he's baffled by how I found out.

So sorry this has happened, I remember that awful feeling of wanting to be sick and seeing my world emplode. But what I will say is lean on your family and friends, they will be great and under no circumstances believe that any of this is your fault. Regardless of the excuse he gives for having the affair, it was HIS choice to have it!!! And he did have the choice!

Original poster
MimieD · 10/05/2011 13:05

Have been collecting proof though, found lots of encrypted emails!! I know which program they use but dont have the encryption key...saved them all though...also put a new passcode on iPad so he cannot see them in my draft box. Pushing my emotions aside though...time to face up to reality and call my friend who went through same thing...at least dd2 is sleeping although I wil have to do the school run today...

OP posts:
Original poster
MimieD · 10/05/2011 13:06

DH just replied..he's on his way home now...let's see what he has to say for himself

OP posts:
Flippingebay · 10/05/2011 13:08

It's amazing how careful adulterers can be. My DH is the biggest techno phobe out there but he still managed to figure out how to delete and empty everything from MSN conversations, to emails, to phone calls, to text messages etc etc. Things came out of the woodwork (because I started to look everywhere) for months afterwards which made any reconciliation very difficult.

As others have said, take time, if you need the breathing space tell him to leave. If you are worried about him not coming back, remember, would you want him back if he can't give you a few days space.

This should be all about your recovery process now.

Flippingebay · 10/05/2011 13:09

and good luck xxx vitual hugs from over here (corny I know) :)

ChippingIn · 10/05/2011 13:11

Do you have any friends that could pick DC1 up from school and keep them for a while - once again, preferably for a sleep over?

ChippingIn · 10/05/2011 13:12

Do not let him turn this around into being your fault for ignoring him/prioritising the kids/not wanting sex as much as him/breathing.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 10/05/2011 13:15

Agree with Chipping about arranging for the DCs to be looked after. It's going to be pretty impossible to have the conversation you need to have, while they are around. I know that it must be so difficult to think rationally when you are in so much shock and pain, but invent any excuse you can think of to have some uninterrupted time for what will be one of th most painful and difficult conversations of your life.

ALittleBitFragile · 10/05/2011 13:24

And be prepared for the first story you hear to be either a complete lie or at least to be only a partial truth.

ALittleBitFragile · 10/05/2011 13:34

And try to imply that you have more evidence than you do in fact have because (in my experience at least) this encourages more of the truth to come out! And you really cannot move forward with this until you are completely confident that you are in possession of the full truth.

Please take care of yourself. A lot of us here know the pain and trauma that this kind of discovery can bring and you will find excellent advice and comfort on this board.

Take your time. Nothing has to be resolved or decided straight away. Keep all your options open.

It is a good sign that he has decided to come home immediately.

Original poster
MimieD · 10/05/2011 13:35

ChippingIn, you're right...I'm sure he'll try to turn this around saying I led him to having an affair...
So glad for all the mumsnet support though...now for that call to my RL friend...

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HerHissyness · 10/05/2011 13:38

thinking of you Miemie. Hope all goes well. Stay strong and don't accept any shit from him at all!

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