Shaking like a leaf- got proof of dh's affair...

[MimieD]

have been suspecting for a while that DH is having an affair with a colleague but he always denied saying they were just friends. She's also married with kids. Anyway, had a tough couple of days trying to sort my mixed emotions and thinking I was just being paranoid and went into his email account (never done that before) and found an email in his sent box that is definite proof of an affair. He's out tonight so I sent him a mail saying he has to make a choice tonight: his family or her. Im shaking like a leaf.....so so disappointed, angry and sad. Not sure how I'm going to get through the day with a happy face for DDs... Also scared as I gave up my job to take care of dd2 when she was born 2,5 years ago... I don't know if I want to rescue our marriage as I'm not sure I will ever trust him again. He's done so so much lying

They all try and turn it around.
They all try to make out it's nothing.
They all try to tell you as little as humanly possible.
They all try to lie about how long it has been going on for.
They all lie about how they feel about the OW

... some of it is to protect your feelings, the majority of it is to cover their arse.

I hope your RL friend can give you some support. Can you get anyone to look after the DC? You can't talk properly when they are around.

Not all, Chipping.

And actually, if someone tells the truth on discovery and takes responsibility for the affair, that's a pretty good barometer of whether a couple can recover from infidelity.

Yes WWIFN it is a good barometer, shame of it is that most people don't know whether they're being told the truth or not.

...and yes you are right, not all - only 99.99%

The one thing that stopped me from kicking my DH out on his arse when I confronted him about it was his attitude towards me. He took total responsibility for the affair and never once has he told me it was my fault.

But before that he did however try and deny the affair, then tell me they were just good friends, up until the point he realised I had concrete evidence of what he'd been up to.

I do think most people will try and worm their way out of it in the first instance but it's the actions following them owning up to it that's the tell tale signs of if a relationship can be saved - if you want it to be.

Good luck with the conversation.

This is not your fault. If he turns it around that the last 2.5 years since you had DD or longer he has been unhappy he should have talked to you. That does not give him license to cheat on you.

Please get yourself to an STI clinic

Sorry but if it gets to the stage of having to check on emails or phone texts then in my book the trust is already gone and the relationship is in trouble if not over. Even if you'd found nothing the very fact that you felt you needed to go looking tells me all is not well in this relationship and you need to decide what you want to do about it. Handing the power over to him to let him decide whether he wants you or her is only going to make matters worse. Do you really think you will believe him when he tells you he's got to work late in the future? Do you want to be tracking his every move and spying on his inbox for the rest of your married life. If you seriously want this relationship to survive - you and not he have to decide what you want and then you have to both be willing to get some professional help to sort it all out, otherwise you will be going through all the same agony a few months/years time.....take it from someone who's been there and got the decree absolute ! xx

I have only just joined this forum and just casually flowing through forums and came across your topic.
I'm so sorry for you, dont think its your fault for one second and dont let him make out tis you either.
I hope he at least's admits it for you and your family
xxx

MimieD

Whatever happens in the next few days remember this;

Stay calm - he has everything to gain from your loss of control or temper.

Eat, sleep and rest - look after yourself. You will be of no good to anyone if you do not do these things.

Do not make any rash decisions.

Go for a walk with DD's if you feel you are not coping - do not stay cooped up indoors brooding.

Gather your friends round now - even if you don't tell them the reason. You will need them more than you know.

I have been there and I don't envy you sweetheart but you WILL be okay and so will your DD's.

Stay strong and focused and whatever you do NEVER contact the OW. Never, never, never.

Keep your pride and dignity intact and stay on the moral high ground - it is the best place to be

how's it going, OP?

Thanks so much for your support.. Sorry for the non-update but I'm exhausted, angry, sad, scared and utterly disillusioned. I cannot see how this marriage is still going to work . Will provide a real update tomorrow.

Thinking of you. Try and get some rest if you can.

MimieD

Try to sleep. Eat something.

And stay calm

[Hugs - been there]

I have just plucked up the courage to join in this thread having come across yr message. I have been married for 23 yrs and been with my DH for 37 yrs - since teenagers. In July, I too experienced that awful sick, panicked feeling you described - in fact, in the same way. I discovered an email from my husband to his lover which he had stupidly sent from his I-phone whilst we camped together in the same tent with our DD. The emails automatically get backed up onto our system at home and he forgot to delete this one. To make matters worse, this came 10 yrs to the month after I discovered his last affair! We have had 7 affair free years in-between. I love my husband very much and cannot imagine my life without him, he is all I have known and I do not really have a close or supportive family. BUT, I am going through hell. As MRsBiscuits says its the trust that is broken that takes so long to mend. It took me a good 3 years to start trusting my husband again after the last affair and even then I never really got over it. What we have/had was special, but self respect is so much more important. Don't ever let him make you feel that it was your fault or that you are not worthy of his love. Be strong, what you want today may not be what you want in a weeks time. You are on a roller coaster - you need time and space to think, breath, be by yourself. Remember you are still the no one person in your children's lives, and you are very much loved.........

Mimid, there is no need for any decisions now, it's all one day at time for now. Get as much rl support as possble, take time for you now, be kind to yourself, get him to have the DC whilst you take some time out.

And get some legal advice, you don't have to act on it, but it gives you some control back to know what you are entitled to and what your options are.

Two years done the line for me but we are still together despite him actually moving in with ow for a time. Bringing the affair into the light tends to take the shine off it for the 2 involved, making it into the sordid little fantasy it actually is.

Try and stay calm, take care and good luck. Thinking of you.

No more advice here mimie, just wanted to add another note of support

I really feel for you x

Hi Mimi

We're all here for you, but only post when you're ready to. The main thing is to look after yourself and get the support you need. Your needs come first now, be kind to yourself.

B

JALG - So sorry you are going through this again. It's been 6 years since I found out about my husband's affair (there were others before it turned out). I've spent most of the last 6 years being very, very unhappy. Trying to trust again because of all the promises he made and thinking about the children blah, blah; but I have also found out that my husband has been cheating again.

Despite the initial shock and my horror at having to tell the children, I feel fine. I am looking forward to the future for the first time in years - I feel like I'm getting the old 'me' back. You have options. I know things are scary, but everyone deserves trust and respect in their own home.

Another person who has read this, just wanting to add some words of support.

Don't make any hasty decisions - reserve the right to take as long as you want to thinking things over, taking time to let the shock subside and for things to sink in. Reserve the right to ask him to move out to give you space - it's not an unreasonable request. Reserve the right to change your mind on anything at any time. Make sure he knows it - during your discussions from now on in, he should be the one walking on eggshells not knowing what's going to happen - not you.

Any hint of blame, excuse, any pushing of any responsibility for this onto you or 'the state of the marriage' (i.e. code for your responsibility/problem too) is utterly false, and you shouldn't tolerate it for a minute. If he even breathes a HINT of this attitude in any dissection of this, stop discussion instantly and point out to him that no matter WHAT problem he perceived to be there, he ALWAYS ALWAYS had a choice of what to do about it:

1. Talk to you and try and solve it - thus prioritising the protection of his relationship and family, and keeping his marriage vows;
2. Have an affair - thus prioritising his own selfish, indulgent agenda, putting his wife and family last, and breaking his marriage vows.

His choice! Make that crystal clear. HE MADE THE MARRIAGE BREAKING CHOICE.

As a follow up to this, make it clear that any discussion about what to do is ultimately a discussion on whether YOU can be convinced that this lying, cheating, FAILING husband is worth continuing with, or whether the family (you and DC) would be better removing him from the immediate family unit. It's NOT a discussion on how 'we' can make things better - at least not until much much further down the line. If he wants to convince you that he is worth not sacking, he needs to start with complete, honest disclosure on the affair (no, he does NOT get to decide what bits are 'unnecessary' or 'not important' for you to know), and complete willingness to put right the issues WITH HIS PERSONALITY which led to this failing in his job as a loyal husband and father.

Of course, you may already know in your heart that it's over, that you simply don't want to continue. That is absolutely FINE. You have the absolute right to say 'I'm sorry, but a rebuilt marriage with someone I know to be capable of cheating on us (yes, it's all of you he's cheated on) is simply not what I want from my life'.

Hope you're OK OP. :)

So, so sorry to hear this. Have been in your situation. Can only offer hugs as you are the only person who knows what you want from your husband.

Will be waiting for your update - keep strong, you are NOT alone, no matter what you think. There will be help for you.

In the meantime, the least I can do is this..... a HUGE cyber hug and a shoulder to cry on, shake on, whatever you want.

Take care
Annie xx

Thinking of you today. It's horrible and foul, but you will come through it.

Hang in there. Look after yourself. Don't worry about updating us... just come & chat when you are ready. We're here for you - no pressure at all x

Mimi, just came across this thread, really sorry for everything you have been through. Hope you're ok. Will keep checking back to see if you need any help or just to chat.
x

Oh wow, just went back online and found all you wonderful messages. I'm in my home country for a few days, trying to get my head around things, talking to family and old friends. I really cannot see how this marriage is ever going to be fixed...I really think that my DH is in love with this other person and that hurts more than anything else. I feel so hurt for myself and my daughters. Scared about what the future holds, silly enough scared about what other people will say. DH is willing to go to a relate counselling session either alone or together, he's willing to read books about infidelity but then he wrote me an email saying he's still in love with the other person and he's not sure our marriage hasn't already reached the 'point of no return'. I told them I wasn't sure I wanted to go to Relate with him as it seems he has already made the choice for us and I wasn't sure how it would benefit me in any way because what on earth is there to save if he doesn't even want to try for the sake of the girls?

Mimie :(

It wouldn't work if he was only doing it for the girls sake. If he's telling you that he's in love with her then there really isn't any 'fixing it'. It is now like ripping off a plaster you can do it quickly or slowly but both are painful and it's really much better to just rip it off.

It's hard when you are living somewhere that isn't 'home' as well. How long have you lived where you live now? Could you go back to where you are now?

(hugs)