Shaking like a leaf- got proof of dh's affair...

[MimieD]

have been suspecting for a while that DH is having an affair with a colleague but he always denied saying they were just friends. She's also married with kids. Anyway, had a tough couple of days trying to sort my mixed emotions and thinking I was just being paranoid and went into his email account (never done that before) and found an email in his sent box that is definite proof of an affair. He's out tonight so I sent him a mail saying he has to make a choice tonight: his family or her. Im shaking like a leaf.....so so disappointed, angry and sad. Not sure how I'm going to get through the day with a happy face for DDs... Also scared as I gave up my job to take care of dd2 when she was born 2,5 years ago... I don't know if I want to rescue our marriage as I'm not sure I will ever trust him again. He's done so so much lying

Okay. This is going to take all your strength, but the very best thing you can now do is to let him go. Going to Relate now won't necessarily help - and neither will him reading books. This affair was evidently interupted and so if he thought his feelings were strong for the OW last week, they are not going to change overnight. However, it will tear you apart to see him grieving and nursing his loss and there is nothing like living the reality of a separated parent, to stop ambivalence in its tracks.

You might feel tempted to continue to live with him and wait this out until he is ready to come back to his marriage, but it will in fact elongate the ambivalence and destroy you in the process. Think of this now as ripping off a plaster - it will hurt like the devil right now - but it is by far the best strategy for you personally and very possibly, your marriage.

Tell me how long he admits that this affair has been going on and tell me whether she is prepared to leave her H for him, or whether he wants her to. Also, does her H know now about the affair?

These facts are key to the advice we can give you. If he is only willing to stay with you because she is not prepared/ready to leave, then don't let yourself be the soft landing. Feeling like he does, it is also very likely that their affair will continue in some guise, especially if they work together.

I would also reassure you that although at the moment he might think his feelings are very strong and that he is in love, this might be a temporary thing that will actually flounder in the face of reality and living with the consequences.

For you personally, do buy a book called Not Just Friends because it will really help you more than any other book, to understand what has happened here and why. It will help you to understand that it is no reflection on you or even your marriage, but that what was once a safe friendship evolved over time and that bit by bit, the boundaries around the friendship became blurred.

The strongest advice I can give you is to muster all your dignity together here and play the long game. Tell him to go and if possible, live on his own for a while.

I can only repeat what others have said. Friends to talk to will help. Rather than considering taking him back i think you need time to sort through what must be a huge shock. Can you get him to go somewhere for a while? I could never trust anyone who lied to me like that.
I can understand completely how you'd be shaking with all kinds of emotions. How come this sort of thing happens so often? It makes me sick and bloody angry

He's currently reading Infidelity: survival guide and sent me the following quotes

Love and Infatuation: "Infatuation is an aspect of "falling in love". It is easy to mistake infatuation for love. When you feel infatuated, you feel captivated or charmed by someone. you are fascinated. You can't get the person out of your mind. You are obsessed. You see no flaws. Most people report that at some point in their life, they had similar feeling about the person they decided to marry (which I agree). Infatuation is often the characteristic feeling in an affair, never evolving into a more tempered, realistic, and mature love. An affair, by its very nature a secret liaison, locks the object of your infatuation with you in a private world. Since there are few, if any, opportunities to expose your perceptions of this person to the light of day, it is especially easy to maintain your illusions. You romanticize. You see the object of your desire as what you want, but not necessarily as what they are. Thus, the infatuation can continue, untested."

"your mate maybe in a period of intense infatuation. Don't forget that infatuation is a "high". Like any other high, it is generally followed by a crash. Feeling competitive with the third party only adds to the discoverer's pain and solves nothing"

I'm under no illusion that he now suddenly has ' seen the light', but it shows me he is taking it seriously. Btw the affair lasted 4 months and her DH does not know. She starts her new job next week and they were going to see if their feelings were still strong without seeing each other every day.

Feel calmer now, ultimately the ball is in my court. I will go to theRelate session as I think talking to a professional will lessen the confusion I feel now, currently is going from highs to lows and back again.

Fingers crossed for your Mimie, I really hope you can get through this.

is IS possible, but he has to really want it. you have to really want it.

Good luck sweetheart x

Thanks for all your lovely support and advice over the last few days...it's what mumsnet excels at

Keep us posted. We care because we've been there.
It's very good news that your h is reading about infidelity, it may stip him making a very big mistake.
Stay strong and be very kind to yourself.

stop not stip, sorry.

Mimie

If ever you feel yourself wavering just 'bump' the thread. If you stay, if you go, if he stays, if he goes.

Whatever, you will get support from the MN's who have been there.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. Promise.

[hugs and good luck]

You holding up ok?

When is your relate session?

Just remember - this is about you now, how you feel, what you want
x

Hi Mimie,
I have just come across your thread, and have read it all the way through. At times I felt I was holding my breath, at others I was close to tears, and having read it now I have great admiration for the strength of character and level headedness you are showing. You are inspirational.

It's fantastic that you are getting so much support on here. I think going to Relate on your own as a starting point sounds like a really sensible and constructive approach. It sounds like having impartial, professional advice at this time is just what you need.

Thinking of you and sending you big hugs. Take care xx

Hi MimieD, how are things going for you? I hope you are ok x

Hi Mimie,

Have just read through your thread and just wanted to add my support to you. Going to the Relate session on your own is a good idea, I hope it helped you.

Stay strong and look after yourself.