Wondering what to do to get the desire back

[SeeSawSee]

Hi all - namechange for this (OP is a MN user too).

DW and I have been together for about 10 years and have a DC of seven months.
We haven't had sex since just before the birth of DC (who is breastfed). Of course there's a period after birth where sex might not be of interest at all to a woman, and breastfeeding can supress desire too. We've spoken to each other about this and agreed that we will wait until DW is ready. Sometimes that can be a little hard (pun sort of intended) but I think DW would agree that it's not something that I make a big deal of. So waiting basically until DW shows interest, without closing myself off in the meantime. The rest of our relationship is good, no problems there.

Over the last few weeks, DW has kind of indicated that she might be more receptive to the idea. Last week we went away for the week, and DW asked me to make sure there were condoms in the our bags. "Game on" thought I, though didn't put any particular pressure on (as per our understanding to wait for her to be ready). During the week away (and since), DW hasn't show any interest at all. Cuddles and the occasional kiss (as per usual) were fine for her, but no indication of anything more. If anything did seem to be developing, there was always a reason why not (eg tired, or this/that needed sorting, or dishes putting away (!) etc). I have tried to mask any feelings of frustration or disappointment, with (I think) fair success.

Possibly just venting, but I don't really know where to go from here. Now I'm back to work after the hols I don't see how the situation will improve any time soon and, well, any advice much appreciated. "Too tired" is probably the most oft-used killer phrase, and often I can see that's true but tbh it sometimes feels like once things are sorted (DC in bed, had dinner, tidied house etc) then DW considers that the day is done, sort of switches off and isn't particularly inclined to invest any time/energy in anything else.

I've pre-answered some questions below that I think usually get asked on these sort of topics. Sorry if some sound a bit defensive, they're not meant to be.

Have we spoken about it? Not specifically this week, because (a) of the "understanding" and (b) I just don't think it would lead anywhere positive (ie might end up with DW feeling under pressure and therefore less keen).

Do I help around the house, lighten the load, give DW the opportunity to feel less tired? Yes (and because that's how we work as a family, I don't just do it for this reason). I don't think DW would say there's a great deal more I can realistically do to help (esp. as I work full time and often not back till about half seven (though usually get chance in the evening to do DC's bedtime bath and story and then make our tea)). DW doesn't work, but that's what we both thought best to care for DC.

Have I tried doing something nice - laying on a warm bath, nice tea, (non-sexual) massage etc? Yes, all of them. Didn't work (in "that" regard - again, not specifically done with sex in mind). Ended up with a well-fed, relaxed and ultimately asleep DW - which is good of course, but clearly not a solution to this thread.

Do you think DW is put off by, eg, her own body image? No, not at all. In fact she's quite proud of how she looks now - as slim as she was at university. Clothes that she had put away before pregnancy have had to go back away (or to the charity shop) because they're falling off her. She looks great, and I like to tell her so.

Do you think DW is put off by, eg, your body image? Not that I'm aware of! As far as I know (and from previous conversations) there's nothing specifically about me that she is finding less attractive. Sex has always been good between us before, both in quality and frequency (ie we're pretty compatible in that area).

Have we tried counselling? No, neither of us think that's necessary at this stage.

Can't you just have a wank? Don't be childish.

I'm not sure but perhaps have some fun? Night out? Might make her feel like old self a bit more? Night away? Being at home a lot is not very sexy to me so might b a factor? I think you can ask too - you sound diplomatic

Night away not possible, night out tricky - DC is breastfed with no expressing to a bottle (DW would prefer DC to never have to use a bottle - going straight to weaning). Would like to give it a shot otherwise.

Does she feel self conscious about her body?

Have you passionately kissed? You know dvd, sitting on the sofa arms around each other, passionately kissing one thing leads to another.

I think you have to take the bedroom out of it, and intimate closeness in other situations and not wait for it to happen in the bedroom.

if you don't sort this out it could be that it ends up being years and before you know it wham your child is 5.

Why condoms? How about a safer form of contraception?

I think, continue to be patient. She's still breastfeeding and she may not feel like sharing her body any further. It's a big demand on her.

If she's still affectionate and loving, I think it'll come back in time.

If night out tricky, picnic in park, or weekend away with baby too? Change of scene is good. Have you all had a holiday? Someone else to do the cooking etc?

FabbyChic

1. No (as per my OP)
2. No - as per my OP, I think that would be considered as "things developing". Would get pushed back for doing that. Not that there's a specific rule, but kisses are pretty much limited to, say, four at a time then DW retracts.
3. Condoms as DW doesn't want pill because of breastfeeding, and we're thinking about a second DC (immaculate conception..?) so don't want anything more permanent (eg coil).

Closeness outside the bedroom would be lovely! When I talk about no sex, I mean nothing that would constitute anything that might lead to sex (or anything related iyswim)

zikes

Loving - yes, she certainly is. Affectionate? Not sure how to answer that. DW doesn't really do anything that makes me feel I'm special to her (in the way that I try to do for her - not just to lead to sex but to keep that relationship as H and W rather than just parents). I guess I might feel better about it if I thought it purely was a matter of time, but doubt begins to creep into one's head.

newgirl

as per OP (sorry it's long!) it was a week away that escalated my doubts as it seemed like the perfect way to connect with each other.
Picnics, meals out done too where possible. Nice but no intimacy of any description.

I'm starting to sound a bit one-track! We do many things together and they're nice, but there's that bit missing and it's the bit I'm trying to work out, so I guess I'm going to sound a bit sex-driven...

I feel for you, you sound very patient.

If I were your DW, I'd know that this was a hurdle I needed to overcome, but without you instigating sex or putting even a little pressure on, I would be inclined to prefer to sit and read a book when the day was done, rather than get sexy IYKWIM. It is a tiring job physically and mentally so I sympathise with her too.

Not saying that you need to put pressure on as such, but you need to let her know gently (it sounds like you are very sensitive to her feelings anyway) that you really would like to get her in the sack at some point soon.

My husband had to have this chat with me not so long ago, and to be honest, we first had sex when DD was 3 weeks old and have done so on average once a week since then, it was the enthusiasm that I had lost, and it wasn't fair on DH. Once he had told me how he felt (un wanted and un desired, like I was going through the motions) I was initially angry, upset, furious and defensive, but upon reflection, realised he was right, and I wanted to get the desire back too.

If you're DW is anything like me then hopefully she'll realise this too, once it's been said? I do think you need to let her know how you're feeling.

She is lucky to have you, but you have to think of you too.

You both need a night out together having a meal and talking about it.

The longer you both go without the closeness of sex, or even kissing the harder it will be to get it back, and you don't want a loveless for want of a better word marriage.

on mobile now so this will likely go all wrong

Thanks DDIS and FC. I feel like we need to speak about it a little more than just let it run on, but perhaps I'm a victim of reading too much MN - all the other threads where women complain about their pushy DHs, with all the replies saying "he's acting like a twat".

I didn't want to be that DH!

I think a chat this weekend might be helpful. Thanks again.

You don't sound like that DH.

Tell her you have difficulty being so patient when she is so gorgeous. Attention and flattery without being over whelming can be v.sexy.

I wish you luck!

Tell her you are worried about things, worried about the future and what it holds, as you want to be able to express how you feel by making her feel good.

Ask her if you can move on from how it has been to kissing properly, to being able to give her a massage, to watching dvd's in front of the sofa cuddling.

No pressure to go all the way or even have sex, but being able to put something back into the relationship would be a start.

Good phrase from dolly! Being cheerful about it def way to talk to her. Good luck

It was a about eight months before my husband and I had sex after the birth of our baby. To be honest I just really didn't want to for no obvious reason, however I think I was probably terrified of getting pregnant again and that it would be painful. However, now my daughter is 2 and half everything is back to normal. I know it must be very frustrating but she will come round in time!

Hi, just to add my experience. Having had 3 children, I can tell you that at the end of every day I feel exhausted. The whole day has been filled with small people needing me. I totally switched off from sex for the first year after dc3 was born. After dc3 turned 1, things got easier, dc slept better, napped better, we got our evenings back.... slowly, things are returning to normal.... and so is my sex drive.

You are being patient. I would say that if you can, try to continue to be so. Your DW sounds like it's on her mind too, so I would say it is only a matter of time.

Another thing I would say from personal experience is that having sex after a long time with DH was a bit strange, almost like we didn't know each other, so it made me put it off even longer when we did get back to it... so this could also be stopping your DW. Shyness, not knowing how to approach it.

I think you are doing all the right things and that good things come to those who wait : )

I've name changed too - been a regular poster on here for a while.
I read your OP and had to reply as I've been in your position for a long time and have never told anyone just how bad things are. I am at the point of giving up on my relationship. We are firmly in the "co-parenting" category.

We love each other dearly but get further and further apart every day. I have tried absolutely everything. My DW simply doesn't want to or doesn't have the energy to do anything about it. She refuses to talk about anything to do with our relationship - lots of taboo areas for her. She can be a very affectionate (and sexual) person but the strains of bringing up lots of children seem to have sapped every ounce of energy and passion she has.

I see a counsellor - she refuses to. I get the children up, fed, ready for the day/school 6 days out of every 7. I get home from work and do whatever housework needs to be done. I have tried to suggest getting some help around the house but DW refuses point blank - another taboo. She is a SAHM. I have suggested she goes back to work and we get whatever support we need with the children.

I have tried bringing up the subject gently but the discussions just get pushed away or simply ignored. I have tried backing off but this just drags out for as long as I keep my thoughts to myself (sometimes months).

I have asked how how I can be a better father and husband - she says there is nothing I can do better. I have asked her if she'd be happier if I left or if she simply isn't attracted to me anymore, she says neither are the case.

She has fleetingly admitted to feeling depressed and being aware that she has neglected our relationship but if I bring up these discussions at a later date, even the next day, she just plays them down as a bit of a wobble and probably an exaggeration on her part.

I am at the point of giving up but don't want to spend the next few years only seeing my children every other weekend. I love seeing them and taking care of them every day. On the other hand I cannot envisage the rest of my life in a affectionless and sexless marriage simply acting being a friend and shoulder to lean on.

All I can recommend is a real balance between bucket loads of patience and as much honest communication as is possible. But seeing as I haven't managed to make my situation work, I'm probably not the best person to offer opinions.

My apologies for hijacking - I've never taken the opportunity to vent all this. I hope it all goes well for you.

AlmostGivenUp

No apology needed - it's worth hearing all sides of the coin. If nothing else I think you're describing the sort of situation that I'd really like to avoid (ie the "co-parenting" thing).

How long have things been like that with you? Glad you could have a vent!

SeeSawSee I'm trying to remember how long it's been like this. I seem to remember things changing before we had children, when she started a very stressful job. The pressures of children haven't helped but we all know that is normal. I think the last 3 years has seen the biggest change though. She has had some trauma in her life in that time. She just refuses to talk about anything that she finds difficult to address.
On the positive side, I see an increasing willingness to open up. I am clinging to this in desparation as a sign of better times to come.

The problem I have is my growing resentment at the neglect of our relationship. I am doing everything I can to deal with these negative thoughts - sometimes I deal with them quickly, sometimes it takes a day or 2. As I said, patience and honesty is so important here. I guess we have to accept we are in it for the long haul and give the commitment to making things better if we want things to be better (positivity breeds positivity and all that).

I know what you mean about not being to pushy. I came on Mumsnet to try and find out what I can do better as a husband and father. I've learnt loads (I think). But after reading too much on here, the last thing I want to be is too pushy.

On the other side of the coin, as FabbyChic says, the less you have the closeness of intimacy and sex, the more awkward it feels. So the difficult balance to strike is between patience and not letting things languish. I find the right balance hard to find.

Also agree with FabbyChic re taking the pressure off the sex bit. Start with the intimacy and closeness first on the honest understanding that it really doesn't have to lead anywhere.

from a womans point of view.
my partner and i were going to have a child but had to have a termination for medical reasons (i started a thread that explains all so i wont type all the story in here)
i had to birth the baby even though it was no longer with us.
after the experience i found my libido lowered although it didnt take long for it to come back as we want to try again.
i found comments like DaydreamDollyisshrinking said worked for my partner. he commented it was hard to resist my larger than average breasts one night. comments like that made me feel sexy and in control knowing he was lusting after me was a big turn on.
maybe showre together or catch her in the shower and tell her she looks gorgeous.
or remember we are all part of the animal kingdom and the man has to strut his stuff to attract a mate.
do something diferent with your hair or buy new clothes that make you look really good. i tend to want to make love more when my partner puts on clothes he knows i like him in .
good luck

from a womans point of view.
my partner and i were going to have a child but had to have a termination for medical reasons (i started a thread that explains all so i wont type all the story in here)
i had to birth the baby even though it was no longer with us.
after the experience i found my libido lowered although it didnt take long for it to come back as we want to try again.
i found comments like DaydreamDollyisshrinking said worked for my partner. he commented it was hard to resist my larger than average breasts one night. comments like that made me feel sexy and in control knowing he was lusting after me was a big turn on.
maybe showre together or catch her in the shower and tell her she looks gorgeous.
or remember we are all part of the animal kingdom and the man has to strut his stuff to attract a mate.
do something diferent with your hair or buy new clothes that make you look really good. i tend to want to make love more when my partner puts on clothes he knows i like him in .
good luck

from a womans point of view.
my partner and i were going to have a child but had to have a termination for medical reasons (i started a thread that explains all so i wont type all the story in here)
i had to birth the baby even though it was no longer with us.
after the experience i found my libido lowered although it didnt take long for it to come back as we want to try again.
i found comments like DaydreamDollyisshrinking said worked for my partner. he commented it was hard to resist my larger than average breasts one night. comments like that made me feel sexy and in control knowing he was lusting after me was a big turn on.
maybe showre together or catch her in the shower and tell her she looks gorgeous.
or remember we are all part of the animal kingdom and the man has to strut his stuff to attract a mate.
do something diferent with your hair or buy new clothes that make you look really good. i tend to want to make love more when my partner puts on clothes he knows i like him in .
good luck

whoopse i have no idea how i posted that 3 times :)

The thing I've fastened on in your post, almostgivenup, is the mention of depression. Has she ever had any treatment for it? I guess not from her downplaying afterwards?

I think maybe persuade her to go to the gp, as a starting point.

op the decription onlyme has given is exactly how i felt/feel. Our third dc is now 13months, and i feel i want more intimacy and sex, but it does also feel a bit weird has it has been quite rare since dc2&3.

I didnt dicover until recently that bfing may have had alot to do with it!?

but my confindence has dwindled a bit, so i can often think about it but not act on my thoughts.

I picked up on the depression as well, but talking from experience be aware that if prescribed antidepressant medication a side effect can be knocking out the libido. In fact is she on antidepressant medication?

Can you buy her a lovely gift? Something for the house, pretty pair of shoes, pretty necklace; not something sex related like sexy knickers but just something nice to make her feel good about herself.

Also - if she can't leave DC as BF, could you cook her a lovely romantic meal and then cosy up for a movie on the sofa.

The whole baby routine thing can get very monotonous and now, especially with you being back at work after holiday, she might feel a bit down following the break away.

With regards to telling you to take condoms, perhaps she felt she might be ready but then, when it got to it, she wasn't. Perhaps she felt like she'd let you down so didn't speak about it?

You do sound very patient though .