Wondering what to do to get the desire back

[SeeSawSee]

Hi all - namechange for this (OP is a MN user too).

DW and I have been together for about 10 years and have a DC of seven months.
We haven't had sex since just before the birth of DC (who is breastfed). Of course there's a period after birth where sex might not be of interest at all to a woman, and breastfeeding can supress desire too. We've spoken to each other about this and agreed that we will wait until DW is ready. Sometimes that can be a little hard (pun sort of intended) but I think DW would agree that it's not something that I make a big deal of. So waiting basically until DW shows interest, without closing myself off in the meantime. The rest of our relationship is good, no problems there.

Over the last few weeks, DW has kind of indicated that she might be more receptive to the idea. Last week we went away for the week, and DW asked me to make sure there were condoms in the our bags. "Game on" thought I, though didn't put any particular pressure on (as per our understanding to wait for her to be ready). During the week away (and since), DW hasn't show any interest at all. Cuddles and the occasional kiss (as per usual) were fine for her, but no indication of anything more. If anything did seem to be developing, there was always a reason why not (eg tired, or this/that needed sorting, or dishes putting away (!) etc). I have tried to mask any feelings of frustration or disappointment, with (I think) fair success.

Possibly just venting, but I don't really know where to go from here. Now I'm back to work after the hols I don't see how the situation will improve any time soon and, well, any advice much appreciated. "Too tired" is probably the most oft-used killer phrase, and often I can see that's true but tbh it sometimes feels like once things are sorted (DC in bed, had dinner, tidied house etc) then DW considers that the day is done, sort of switches off and isn't particularly inclined to invest any time/energy in anything else.

I've pre-answered some questions below that I think usually get asked on these sort of topics. Sorry if some sound a bit defensive, they're not meant to be.

Have we spoken about it? Not specifically this week, because (a) of the "understanding" and (b) I just don't think it would lead anywhere positive (ie might end up with DW feeling under pressure and therefore less keen).

Do I help around the house, lighten the load, give DW the opportunity to feel less tired? Yes (and because that's how we work as a family, I don't just do it for this reason). I don't think DW would say there's a great deal more I can realistically do to help (esp. as I work full time and often not back till about half seven (though usually get chance in the evening to do DC's bedtime bath and story and then make our tea)). DW doesn't work, but that's what we both thought best to care for DC.

Have I tried doing something nice - laying on a warm bath, nice tea, (non-sexual) massage etc? Yes, all of them. Didn't work (in "that" regard - again, not specifically done with sex in mind). Ended up with a well-fed, relaxed and ultimately asleep DW - which is good of course, but clearly not a solution to this thread.

Do you think DW is put off by, eg, her own body image? No, not at all. In fact she's quite proud of how she looks now - as slim as she was at university. Clothes that she had put away before pregnancy have had to go back away (or to the charity shop) because they're falling off her. She looks great, and I like to tell her so.

Do you think DW is put off by, eg, your body image? Not that I'm aware of! As far as I know (and from previous conversations) there's nothing specifically about me that she is finding less attractive. Sex has always been good between us before, both in quality and frequency (ie we're pretty compatible in that area).

Have we tried counselling? No, neither of us think that's necessary at this stage.

Can't you just have a wank? Don't be childish.

SeeSawSee, your post and especially this part made me cringe :
"Too tired" is probably the most oft-used killer phrase, and often I can see that's true but tbh it sometimes feels like once things are sorted (DC in bed, had dinner, tidied house etc) then DW considers that the day is done, sort of switches off and isn't particularly inclined to invest any time/energy in anything else.

My experience has been that, after the birth of both of my dcs, I felt the pressure from H to have sex. Which we did 'because it was the right thing to do, he had some needs too and I had to do that for the sake of our relationship'. He would argue that he never put any pressure on me but... I can promise you that when a guy starts thinking 'Oh that's it, this time it will happen', you can feel it. The kisses, the caresses are different, and the nice 'We'll just have a cuddle' becomes pressure.
And then I was so tired that yes, after finally having done the dishes, put the dc in bed, the only thing I wanted was to be left alone. 'Too tired' was not an excuse but a reality.

So here is what I would suggest. Propose to your DW to do everything, I mean absolutely everything in the house for a week from you come back home from work until you leave in the morning (Bar the bfing of course!). I am thinking here housewrok, dishes, ironing, entertaining the baby, changing nappies, putting dc in bed etc... Do that from a Friday evening to the Sunday the week after. Then see what happens. How is your DW? Is she more rested? How do you feel?
NB: Because of work my H found himself in a situation where he was looking after the dcs on his own some weekends. He suddenly realized how much work and how tiring it is to look after a dc. He had a much better idea about how many things you need to think about if you want to have everything to run smoothly. In turn, his appreciation of what I have been doing on an everyday basis increased. Because to be fair, helping with the dcs when your partner is around to guide you, remind you to take the wipes etc.. just isn't the same than being the sole captain of the boat.

I would also urge you to check what it is you are missing. Is it the intimacy? What sort of intimacy? Emotional intimacy, physical intimacy?
Have you thougt about what physical intimacy is? Because it is much more than just sex. It's exchanging a 'passionate' kiss, coming behind your DW and holding her in your arms... Do you think you could concentrate on that side of things and enjoy it rather than concentrating on what you don't have (That's the story of the glass half full and half empty)?
What about your emotional connection? Do you talk together? Do you have plans? Do you talk about how you feel, what sort of hopes you have or what sort of worries you have (about the baby for example)?I mean most of what you are talking about is what you have done to put her in the mood. Perhaps you could concentrate on not doing anything at all for her to be in the mood for sex and enjoy the connection you have with your DW. I bet things will fall into place.

Just had another thought for you.
Send your dw some naughty texts throughout the day and see what kind of replies you get...

Also, as I said, I did what Bestnameever said and for me that was the worst thing I could have done. It did build up resentment on my side. And instead of trying to think why I wasn't in the mood, my H thought he could just ask and he would get. Not the best set up at all.

Move a few years down the line, I ended up totally exhausted (as he thought he was 'helping' enough), still feeling 'I had to'. But on the top it, it killed any love and attraction I had for him.

carpetnomore

Sounds from what you've written that you're no longer together. Is that true?

I would agree with one of the other posters. That after the whole day with the dcs, sometimes after a broken night, followed by dinner,bath,bedtime then various jobs, washing, lunch boxes etc. And just generally having my head filled with child related things, i literally felt like i had no more to give.

I know that was hard for my dh at times too, but i really dont think it possible to really understand what its like unless your doing it all the time!

I didnt just lose my desire to have sex but also went off itimacy aswell, not sure i can put my finger on exaclty why, found it a bit troubling/confusing myself at the time. But the closest i can get is that i was just needed all day long, constantly being asked for, be it crying for a feed, being asked (alot) mummy? mummy why? mummy can i have? etc etc. Constantly being sat on, fed from, sicked on lol.
Dont get me wrong i LOVE being a mummy but after bedtime just needed me time and to not be touched or asked anything.

It is hard on a realtionship but does get better, dc3 is now 13mths and i can feel the change even though im still tired alot, and a head full of school diary dates, homework, babyfood etc. This may be down to recently stopping bfing or maybe hormones returning to normal. It was recently reported that it takes at least 18mths for our bodies/hormones to return to 'normal' after a baby.

I would say your dw maybe feeling just has confused about it all as you hence the lack of explaination for it, and although you have been great im sure she has an idea how you are feeling which is pressure in itself. Its a hard situation for you both not knowing when to make/not makes moves display affection. I would say go for the not physical affection/appreciation.

When i was in the place on no desire for sex etc things like a naughty text etc would make me cringe tbh, but thats just me.

Gestures like, do you fancy meeting a friend for coffe for a bit while i watch dc went miles further

'non physical'
place 'of' no

Okay. Seems to me (and apologies if this sounds a little harsh or uncomfortable for some) that having DCs acts as a magnifier for one's relationship.

Repliers on this thread seem to fall into two camps:

(1) Those that identify their relationship as being under strain, and both work towards a solution that's fair for all the family. Not necessarily a 50-50 step up in contribution (often the DH needs to realise his efforts need to step up far more from where he thought they needed to be), but it emphasizes the desire for both parties to make their relationship work - and, ultimately, it does.

(2) Those that identify their relationship as being under strain, and at first try to increase their contribution to the family unit. At some point, individually they feel that they are contributing more than their fair share of effort (or that their increased effort is going unnoticed/without gratitude). These couples grow resentful of each other's apparent unwillingness to do their share - whether that's iro caring for their DC, working around the house/general family chores, or investing time in one another. It emphasizes that when push comes to shove, one or both of them are not unconditionally commmited to the other, and things start to break down.

I don't see that you'd ever know whether you're in a (1) relationship or a (2) relationship until you get to that stage of increased responsibility/reliance on one another.

What do you think? Are people naturally in (1) or (2) and there's nothing they can do about it? Can you get yourselves into (1) if you spot the warning signs early enough? Does counselling help those in (2)?

Hey OP. Bloke perspective again...

Sounds like your relationship is healthy (every relationship will have its issues but don't think that you would be writing in such a reasoned, balanced manner if there was a fundamental issue).

Firstly, accept that waiting until she is ready is a given. Don't reckon that someone in a loving relationship gets any satisfaction from sex where one partner isn't ready/doesn't want it/whatever.

Secondly, re read all your posts on this thread. Identify all the things that you haven't said to her yet and then say them to her. Sounds like you're more than capable of doing this in a loving considerate way. Make sure that the real message you are trying to get across is simply about the fact that you want sex because a) you love her, b) you find her very sexy and that makes you want sex. (Swap round a & b depending on how you gauge her mood!)

Thirdly, think about whether this is an opportunity to work on your relationship as a whole. There's another thread where a few people have commented on how The Marriage Course has been so great for them. Most couples go to these things in the same way you take a car in for a service, not because they're on the edge of splitting up. They can be great, esp. after a baby (agree with your comments re babies magnifying everything about a relationship - ironic that they do so while taking away most of the time for the relationship). Its corny, but I reckon sex should be an expression of the whole of a relationship and looking into the whole relationship together could help you both.

Finally, just a thought to put you in her shoes. Me and DW have had similar issues and came to similar conclusions as yourself. One of the most important things she said to me is that while its pretty easy for me to think about sex at work (not because I'm not that busy, just because... er.... I can and do), spending the day with babies/children and attending to their every need is probably second only to spending the day with your in-laws when it comes to shutting down the sex part of your brain. Wherever that is. By the time that part of her brain has opened for business again theres a pretty good chance that she'll be either completely knackered or due to feed again.

Which brings us all back to waiting until she's ready. Sorry. Not easy for you. Probably not easy for her either.

SeeSaw, I just wanted to say that you sound really thoughtful and careful. I suspect couples move between your categories - I've been married 11 years and it's really good at the moment, but there have been phases where one or other of us has been less engaged with the relationship. And we didn't have sex for 18 months after ds2 was born, just because I really didn't want to. Nothing else especially wrong, but I was working full time, breast-feeding full time, neither child slept and I had a desperate, unmet need for solitude that far outweighed any other interest. Dh went through very much what you're doing - sympathy, understanding, thoughtfulness, doing his share (anger, resentment, moments of depression, all carefully suppressed), and then somehow the phase passed. It's different now, and we still always say 'we should do that more often', but either of us will initiate with confidence and there's no issue about rejection. Give it more time, accept that you will be resentful sometimes (and that this doesn't make you a nasty, pushy husband), but that for the moment you and your partner are on different pages and a good relationship can take that?

Well if she had a difficult birth might she just be frightened of it hurting, & now that it has gone on so long, got stuck into that rut of being terrified of "the first time after birth" and avoiding it?

think deepheat & mrspoyser, have given some great advise.

I think that having a child bring sso much change and its impossible to be completely prepared for the reality of it.

Changes that are often new to both parents and it takes time to adjust/understand. Its a massive learning curve and suppose you do your best to learn together and support each other through the changes.

I think there can be alot of focus on the sex thing, and i know dh and i had some lengthy conversations about it all. He was great and understanding although he found it hard, it was down to feeling in a way, unloved. He could cope with the change as long as it was a change down to having a baby etc and not down to a floor in our relationship. Which it definately wasnt.

I remember feeling overwhelming love for him for the way he took care of us all (the children and i) through the good times and the not so good, the way he helps so much around the house, cooking general day to day chores etc. But for some reason, hormones, being exhaused (could ahve been so many things or a combinations of all of them) i just did not have and sexual desire at all, and i could not just do things because i felt i should, it just wouldnt seem right for either of us. I actually remember thinking, whats wrong with me? I actually dont think i would care if i never had sex again! Dont worry that is definately now not the case. But it was a really hard time for me, felt very confused as we previously had alot of intimacy etc.

TBH, part of us would both like a fourth but waht youve talked about it one of our reasons to maybe not.

I see it as we as a couple worked through those changes at the time, tried our best to communicate to each other and adjust as apose to solving a 'problem' For better for worse, in sickness and in health and all that

Agree with waht deepheat said about making it clear that you would like sex because you love her and want to be close to her in that way. Not because its a physical desire you need to forfill/cant live without.

SeeSaw, we are still (just) together.
A big difference between you and my H is that he prfered burrying his head in the sand. Which of course did not help.

Also a lot of what I have said is coming from an understanding that you get afterwards. In the middle of things it can be very difficult to see the wood from the trees.

As for children being a 'magnifying glass'... that is really well said!

And this is also the reason why I would say, talk talk and talk. Connect emotionally and keep that side of the relationship alive. Then you will have ground to build on. Concentrating only on sex just leads to disaster.

BTW, the diffrence between the 1( and 2) is that in the first case, both parties really try to listen to each other (So if your DW says she is too tired then it just means she is too tired).

I guess that if you find that you are both relaxed and happy with each other you are more likely in case 1).

psalmostgivenup with four children and the ages they are i am not suprised at the way you are both feeling.

We have 3, they are - 4,3 & just1. I feel like i dont stop and when i do...usually between 8&9 in the evening i have physically stopped but my brain if often still in overdrive from the day or for the next. Sometimes i cant believe quite how tired i feel. Like someone else has mentioned before the part of my brain the thinks of sex and itimacy is switched off.

I can relate to what you say about your dw putting pressure on herself to be the perfect mother i am guilty of the same at time, although i cant see that its unusual.

I feel there is enormous pressure to 'have it all' sometimes that isnt possible. In a way if thats all the lacks for a while in the grand sceme of staying together for life, then surely thats not bad going (although still tough at times) Of course this is true if the emotional connection is still strong and the respect, communication it still going.

SeeSawSee,

My DW breastfed and had absolutely no desire for sex at all. I think the best thing I did was make it known that I completely understood her lack of desire, and indeed reminded her that it was due to breastfeeding and the hormones, that it's natures way of ensuring her baby is cared for, etc. Found topics on online forums with women in a similar situation and it put both our minds at ease. I put no pressure on her at all, as I didn't want to get into a situation where restarting our sex life became a huge thing and put pressure on both of us to make it happen.

When DS was 8 months old, she stopped breastfeeding and after about 2-3 weeks her libido started to come back, which was a huge relief! However, even though she was starting to feel sexual again, it took some effort to get things underway the first couple of times. I decided to buy her a clit vibe (sorry if that sounds crude but couldn't think of another way to describe it) and made sure when I announced it, it was done in a lighthearted and fun way, with no pressure. Whilst having a laugh about the situation, during DS's nap one afternoon, I dared her to hold it against herself (through her jeans!) for a minute or two to see how it felt. Within a minute or two a familiar smile appeared on her face! I joked with her that I wasn't in the mood anymore and would have to take it off her...

If you think your DW would have a giggle about such a proposition, I highly recommend you get one and try it out (if you haven't already got one). With a baby in the house, you will find even when things get back on track that opportunities for sex are few and far between when they are very small, and you have to make it happen at specific moments (naptimes during the day for us, as we have been co-sleeping up until now - DS is 12 months old), and we find that using this vibe can get things moving quickly when you haven't got much time.

I recommend the Lelo Gigi because it's sophisticated and comes in a very nice box and not like your typical sex toy - not cheap looking and quite expensive. It's designed with another purpose in mind but works great in the way I've mentioned.

Sorry if TMI but thought it might help.

PS - I would always remind DW that I wouldn't change anything, and that her BFing was more important than sex for a few months. BFing was really important to us both, as we both really wanted DS to have this start. We also made sure we kept the intimacy with cuddles, etc. But often even that was difficult with DS attached to her what seemed like 24/7.

I promise things will get better once she has stopped breastfeeding.