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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would I be mad to move with partner after 5ish months?

99 replies

npg1 · 05/05/2011 20:17

I know most of you are probably thinking yes!!! but here is my story.....

Split with ex 15 months ago. Im still living in the family home waiting for him to buy me out, should be in the next couple of weeks and then im moving out of the family home into rented.

In the meantime have had a few boyfriends, no one as ever met my 2 children as I was unsure. This time I know I have met mr right. We have been together 3 months, he has recently met the children and they get on so well, we are so in love, I have NEVER had feelings like this and he is the same. When I move out I did say to start that I was going to move out and be on my own for a few months, im not going to move out for another couple of months anyway and he wants to move in, I really want him to move in because I hate being away from him. Am I mad? It also worries m about the money side of things as I know my child tax credits will drop drastically.

Many thanks

OP posts:

davidtennantsmistress · 05/05/2011 22:00

your not, perhaps a little lost but not heartless, perhpas some cognative therapy might help?

sometimes rightly or wrongly MN will give you the harsh reality to help sort the wood from the trees

:o bussyboo thrush.

BertieBotts · 05/05/2011 22:01

You don't sound heartless - you sound very loving, which is a good thing, but it also makes you vulnerable. Your children are the first priority - even if YOU felt totally ready you would need to be sure they are. But I don't think you are ready either.

Do you think he would be as gutted as you sound like you would be if the relationship ended? If not then why not?? You need to be with someone who values you and respects you and takes things at your pace. If you wanted to move in and he said he needed a bit more time what would you say/think?

BertieBotts · 05/05/2011 22:02

Also, I'm confused - 3 months or 5 months?

Original poster

npg1 · 05/05/2011 22:02

yes a little lost is the word i was looking for.

Maybe CBT will help......

i did laugh at that, luckily I have expreienced that!!!

OP posts:

TheSecondComing · 05/05/2011 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 05/05/2011 22:08

Oh I see, sorry, was being dim.

lookingfoxy · 05/05/2011 22:09

If he's not there after you tell him that, then he doesn't really love you does he? He's just looking to move out of his parents house!
Send the text NOW!

Original poster

npg1 · 05/05/2011 22:10

I would make sure it would be happily thesecondcoming which is why im questioning it now so I dont make the wrong decision

OP posts:

Original poster

npg1 · 05/05/2011 22:11

No No, he would wait for me until im ready, he has already told me that. Yes he would be devestated if the relationship ended

OP posts:

PatriciaHolm · 05/05/2011 22:11

If he throws a wobbler about you saying no to moving in, then he's clearly not in love with you. Take a big step back. If this really is the romance of the century, it'll survive you politely saying you're not ready for this yet.

LordofthePies · 05/05/2011 22:12

I don't think you're heartless at all.But the fact that you've posted here in the first place for advice tells me you're not sure about him and wanted that confirmed by others.

You say your ex was controlling, do you want history repeating itself?

Take your time, cool it and maybe get some counselling.

TheSecondComing · 05/05/2011 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

npg1 · 05/05/2011 22:23

yes thank you, i know its not the ight decision to move him in.

im also scared how I will find a rented property on my own, wont be claiming housing benefit to start but might do in furture, I dont eanr very much but will get a pay off so am using that and also how I will afford it.

Its all kinda come crashing down on me tonight x

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 05/05/2011 22:29

If he's already said he'll wait until you're ready, then just say you're not ready :)

You will find a rented property easily if you're not claiming HB now, and if you have enough for the deposit. (Usually 1.5 months' rent, and the first month is upfront too) It's not a problem to start claiming later. If your income is low you should get some help with your rent even if not all of it. As long as you are earning it's not hard to find a property. You can do it on your own, it will be good for you :) Even if you do end up moving in with your bf later, the confidence you'll have gained from this experience is invaluable.

HerHissyness · 05/05/2011 22:32

That's exactly how I felt when I let DS' dad move in with me after 13m of knowing him. I didn't have kids to consider then either.

I really don't have the energy right now to tell you how the last 10 years were, someone else tell her... again and again and again and again.

Better yet OP, pop over to the NPD thread, look for me over there. LMHF and this current nom de guerre too. My posts start at the end of Feb/early March.

AF can fill you in fully too.

Suffice to say that the truck driver that murdered that little girl in the lorry a couple of years back knew the mother 18m before killing her DD. The faster the speed in which a relationship starts up, the bigger the red flag. he is pushing you, he is somehow pulling the strings. YOU DON'T KNOW HIM AT ALL!

No way on earth you ought to have allowed your DC to meet his bloke, and that is what he is, a mere bloke, as early as this. I've been kept locked indoors by my 'D''P' for longer than it took you to introduce your kids to this bloke. Don't you dare move him in when they are away. Are you insane?

Cockstruck, that lovely word I learned this week. Hands up, please, who coined it?, and let me shake them by the hand. the OP has to be COCKSTRUCK.

Sorry OP if you feel I'm being disrespectful, but you are potentially making very dangerous decisions.

zikes · 05/05/2011 22:33

Well, don't factor him into your finances, you need to move in together for the right reasons not out of fear of losing him or money worries.

If you're on a low income, you should get tax credits. Your ex should pay maintenance for the children. Check what you're entitled to and work out a budget: there are good online tools, the 'entitled to' website for tax credits/benefits and budget ones from MoneySavingExpert.

Maelstrom · 05/05/2011 22:36

My ex and I moved in together 3 months into the relationship, admittedly we were both young and childless back then and I kept my flat available until we married but it just felt right. We were together for 10 years, sadly I fell out of love by the third year. I don't think that waiting would have been made any difference.

After the split, I met several guys and eventually one that felt as if I had known him all my life. He was absolutely perfect, great with DS, etc (yeah, he met DS on the same day that he met me and I met his boys, but then we met at a mutual friend's house so I never imagined we were going to end up together).

So... he started staying over very soon, by the 3rd month he had proposed and met my parents (who live thousands of miles away) and his parents travelled all the way from the other end of the planet to meet me. Fantastic, it was like a dream, those 3 months I had the family I always wanted to have. I loved him and adored his children. Then we had a rather stupid little argument and things fizzled out as quickly as they came around. One week everything was perfect, 3 weeks after he was completely gone.

Now after all these years, I can look at the things with a cool head and realise that many of his quirkiness that I found "cute" at the time we were together were actually very strong signs of a very controlling nature. He couldn't bear to be without me, he would miss me so much while... he was at work mmh, he was not interested in meeting with my friends but was happy to organise our outings without consulting me at all, and wouldn't even discuss disagreements e.g. I didn't want to do this or that he had organised (he couldn't imagine he could ever be wrong so why bother talking things through?)

I would tell you to wait, especially because of your children. Picking up yourself up from a potential break up is already difficult but seeing your children heartbroken at loosing a "parental" figure yet another time is what hurts the most.

I cried for his children for months, DS still miss them, I know his children were also very upset about the break up. Him? oh no, he had come out of it completely 2 weeks after we finished.

LordofthePies · 05/05/2011 22:41

On a practical level, you could go to a CAB or other advice centre. Get someone to check you're claiming everything you can. Child benefit, Child tax Credits, maybe Working Tax Credits. Are you sure you wouldn't get Housing/Council tax benefit?

Not sure what the housing situation is like where you live, again can you get advice re good letting agents, reasonable prices etc? Can you get a friend/ family to support you in this?

BertieBotts · 05/05/2011 22:48

Yes I had a similar experience HerHissyness. Strongly suspect NPD as well. We moved in together 6 months after getting together - no children involved - but actually he'd managed to move in to my mum's house with me just a few weeks into our relationship. I think I was scared of losing him and also caught up in the romance/excitement of it. Looking back it wasn't romance though as much as convenience. We didn't like having to sneak around to have sex etc!

He was pushing for marriage/children not long after that. I was pregnant 9 months in, half planned, half me trying desparately to stretch the timescale of things out without hurting his feelings. I would have found it really hard to reply to a text like that as well, FWIW -there are some of us who have been there and know how it makes you feel when a relationship develops quickly. It is exciting, and if you don't have children, that's fine (although it's still a red flag!) but when children are involved you have to take it slower than even you might feel is right. Hate the expression but you need to be 110% sure. So wait until you're sure you are ready, then wait a bit longer.

Smum99 · 05/05/2011 22:49

Please don't do this to your children - DH's ex has done this and the children are suffering, it's just heartbreaking as the children know that their mum isn't putting them first.
There are so many risks to you moving him in and the impact if you get it wrong is major - your children will be affected permanentely.

If he is a good man he will happily wait. A mature man doesn't rush into a new relationship either - he is either very naive or his behaviour is suspect.
How old is he?

You came here to ask the question because your instinct is telling you it isn't right..listen to that instinct

QuintessentialPains · 06/05/2011 08:27

OP, if you are who I think you are, your past boyfriends since you split with your ex has also been IT, whirlwind romances. Did one bloke involve Germany, one way or the other? If you are that poster, you are beautiful and passionate, and I know you have your kids best interest at heart, but you need to keep a level head with this guy, and be strong enough to wait till the time is right. If it is a for ever relationship, he cant wait a year or two, cant he? As can you.

pointissima · 06/05/2011 08:32

You would be a complete fool to move in with this man at this stage; and a poor mother.

Morloth · 06/05/2011 09:31

Just don't.

No kids? I would be all knock yourself out and have fun.

But you have kids and what they need (security and stability) needs to be your number one priority, not how in love you are, not how much he wants to live with you.

Sort yourself and your kids out first, get them settled, get them secure and happy.

If he can't see why the kids are more important then drop him like a hot potato.

Pagwatch · 06/05/2011 09:42

OP please don't feel like you ned to justify yourself.
i think everyone on here completely understands the hopes, feelings, wishes that have brought you to this situation.

you want a partner and some affection and support. after your previous relationships that is understandable. no one judges that.

But what you do now should not be based on the decisions you have made before.
you need to look clearly at your situation. Ask yourself what is the best for your children. what is the best for you - not for the next year but for ten years time.

TBH in ten years time, if you move in with this man, or continue to rush things you will look back and think
fuck what a terrible mistake or
fuck i was sooooo lucky. that could have been a disaster.

neither of those is good.

better to look back in ten years and think
i am glad i waited because he was a twat
i am glad i waited because we both really knew each other and knew our strengths and weaknesses before i got my children involved.

every relationship will involve disputes. I adore Dh but there are still things we don't agree upon but we know each other well enough to work it out.

but you know nothing. what if you massively disagree on childrearing, or money, or work or anyone of 100 things.
the fact that you are already worried about upsetting him is NOT the start of a good relationship. it means you are already being dishonest with each other.

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