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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would I be mad to move with partner after 5ish months?

99 replies

npg1 · 05/05/2011 20:17

I know most of you are probably thinking yes!!! but here is my story.....

Split with ex 15 months ago. Im still living in the family home waiting for him to buy me out, should be in the next couple of weeks and then im moving out of the family home into rented.

In the meantime have had a few boyfriends, no one as ever met my 2 children as I was unsure. This time I know I have met mr right. We have been together 3 months, he has recently met the children and they get on so well, we are so in love, I have NEVER had feelings like this and he is the same. When I move out I did say to start that I was going to move out and be on my own for a few months, im not going to move out for another couple of months anyway and he wants to move in, I really want him to move in because I hate being away from him. Am I mad? It also worries m about the money side of things as I know my child tax credits will drop drastically.

Many thanks

OP posts:

hairylights · 05/05/2011 21:03

did you really mean "you don't know how to get out of it" ???

This is a real alarm bell for me. The way to get out of in an equal, unmanipulative and uncontrolling situation is to say 'actually, no, I don't want us to move in together quite yet. I think we need to know each other a lot longer and a lot better before taking such a life changing step and making such a commitment'.

If he takes umbrige in any way to that, then it's really not a good sign - as it means he wants to control you - rather than respecting your boundaries and wishes.

In healthy relationships, one person doesn't 'give in ' to another in importat life decisions, just because it's easier than saying 'no, that's not what I want'.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 21:04

listen to your inner voice, you will regret it if you don't

did you really mean "you don't know how to get out of it" ???

hairylights · 05/05/2011 21:04

sorry, Cross posts. if you are even slightly worried about the pressure he puts on you, then there is a major issue. No equal partner should feel that... it's not a good sign I'm afraid.

coppertop · 05/05/2011 21:05

It sounds as though he could do with some time living alone too. From his ex's house to his parents and then straight in to a place with you??

He's already trying to have a heck of a lot of influence in your life already after just 12 or so weeks. Don't do it.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 21:05

x posted with hairy...why aren't you addressing this question ?

Original poster

npg1 · 05/05/2011 21:05

I dont think its controlling, I was in a relationship with my ex for 12 yrs and he was controlling and I had to do everything he wanted and didnt have a say. Its not like that but I guess in a way im a bit scared of sticking up for myself and im scared im going to loose him because my feelings for him are so strong.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 21:07

have you had any counselling after such a disastrous previous relationship ?

don't make the misake of swapping one kind of abuser for another one...

ThisIsANiceCage · 05/05/2011 21:07

"then he sent another text and he means we move together and I dont really know how to get out of it.....? "

You might let him move in permanently with your kids because you misunderstood a text message?

If you can't even sort out simple things like this together, how could you possibly work as a "family"?

Think this relationship needs to mature a little longer.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 21:08

if you say "I don't know how to get out of (moving in together) " then you don't have a say in this relationship either

hairylights · 05/05/2011 21:08

I have to say tht I have serious alarm bells ringing here, NPG1.

After the first 12 weeks with your ex, was there any sign of his controlling nature?

If you are scared you are going to lose him and therefore don't 'stick up' for yourself (which implies that there is something to 'stick up' against, which worries me) then there's a big issue here.

As an ex very controlled woman, now in a good, equal relationship, I can tell you that in an equal partnership, people don't feel like you say you are feeling, because they don't feel pressurised and they do feel safe in expressing their own wishes, needs and preferences, and life decisions are made jointly.

ThisIsANiceCage · 05/05/2011 21:08

X-post with hariylights saying what I really wanted to.

Pagwatch · 05/05/2011 21:08

Big mistake. Huge.

QuintessentialPains · 05/05/2011 21:09

You are mad.

He wants to move in when your kids are away.
He wants your kids to come back from their holiday and find that mum is living with another man. Just like that.

He has booked your holiday without discussing it with you.

Serious alarmbells.

But I bet you are too in love, having met mr right and been with him the whole 3 months, to listen to anybody but your "heart".

AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 21:10

some women are their own worst enemy

I am out

good luck, OP, you are going to need it

Ephiny · 05/05/2011 21:12

I'd been with my DP for 5 years before we moved in together! Not saying you should wait that long, but it's still very early days for you, so why the rush? I agree with others that it's a really worrying sign if you feel you're being pressured into something you don't want and don't feel able to say no. Whether that's because he's controlling or because you have issues from your previous relationship, or a bit of both, it's not a good dynamic to have.

It sounds like you had a bad time with your ex, but that's all the more reason to wait a while, get your confidence back and work out what you really want. You can still spend time together and enjoy each other's company without him moving in with you. It's only been a few weeks really when you think about it.

NettoSuperstar · 05/05/2011 21:13

I think there's something very wrong when you say you don't know how to get out of moving in with him.

Love, trust, respect. honesty?

Doesn't sound like it.

FabbyChic · 05/05/2011 21:14

I know it is going to be hard, but might I suggest you wait until you have been together a year.

It is all so new, and it is great at the moment, but build up to it gradually. Get your own place, be on your own for a bit, let him stay at weekends leaving before the kids get up, then gradually allow the kids to see him.

It was 18 months after the childrens father left that I allowed my ex husband to move in.

He used to come round when the kids were in bed and leave before they were up, we had nights out together too.

You are creating him a ready made family, you need time to have a proper relationship, you haven't had that yet.

If he is worth it he will wait.

queenrollo · 05/05/2011 21:15

i would say wait.
and i'm someone who did move in with my new fella (now my DH) after 9 months of being together. But he made huge sacrifices for me, changing job and moving over 200 miles to be closer to me. We had mutual friends and so I knew a LOT about my man, my friends wouldn't have let him within a 1000 miles of me if they didn't think he was good for me. There was a lot of in depth (sometimes difficult) discussion about us taking the step of living together (and this even included my ex, as the father of my child I thought he had the right to express an opinion), he made it very clear that while he wanted to live with me, he would carry on living apart for as long as was necessary.

Your boyfriend sounds too pushy, and I would be wary of moving in with him just now. If i told my DH that i didn't want to talk about it for a few days while i mulled it over then he left it alone. We spoke on the phone/msn every day and he would just not mention it until I brought the topic up again - your boyfriend sounds like he's pestering you to make a decision.

AKissIsNotAContract · 05/05/2011 21:15

I agree with AF and hairylights. You really are swapping one type of controlling man for another. I think you should cool things off with this man, wait at least another 6 months before you make any big decisions. The right man will understand and will wait. You really don't sound like you are in the correct headspace to have a healthy relationship at the moment.

Ephiny · 05/05/2011 21:15

Oh and if he threatens to leave you because he's not getting his own way - tell him 'fine' and consider yourself to have had a lucky escape. If he's as nice and your relationship is as good as you say, it won't come to that though.

davidtennantsmistress · 05/05/2011 21:16

'I dont think its controlling, I was in a relationship with my ex for 12 yrs and he was controlling and I had to do everything he wanted and didnt have a say. Its not like that but I guess in a way im a bit scared of sticking up for myself and im scared im going to loose him because my feelings for him are so strong.'

coupled with 'adding pressure' this all sounds terribly familiar, PLEASE DON'T DO IT!!!

a loving partner will not:-

pressure you
encourage you to do something you don't want
put theirselves ahead of your childrens welfare
make you feel you have NO OPTIONS.

tbh it sounds like you're already in over your head. he's adding pressure now - how soon before he does something more - we're talking 12 weeks here - he could raise a hand to you or your children. try to unpick things keep him away from your kids & see him when they're in bed.

a loving partner will understand WHY you're doing it and infact will suggest or ask about the children. he isn't.

davidtennantsmistress · 05/05/2011 21:18

oh and also there was a thread months ago which started off (or had points on it which included.....)

just because you've left an abusive/controlling/manipulative relationship which scored 10/10 in severity DOESN'T mean you accept one which is only 8/10. the only acceptable level is 0/10!

words to this effect but you get my jist.

BluddyMoFo · 05/05/2011 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zikes · 05/05/2011 21:21

Slow things down, don't go along with the speed he wants to move - you're clearly uncomfortable with it. Do not go along - if he cares, he will respect your feelings and appreciate that you have children to think about.

Keep dating, have fun, take the time. If he feels as strongly about you as he says, he'll wait. What's the all-fired hurry to get into domesticity, stinky socks and the day-to-day?

LordofthePies · 05/05/2011 21:23

Excuse me for saying this, but you come across as needy and vulnerable. To say as you do, that "you don't know how to get out of it" is worrying. Also, that you think it okay that this man after only 3 months is organising things involving your children without telling you? He is setting the agenda and taking control.

You say you are constantly with the children - it must be hard work and tough and I think you see this man as being someone to support you.

Do you have good friends and family to help, just to chat to and for support?

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