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Original poster

Would I be mad to move with partner after 5ish months?

99 replies

npg1 · 05/05/2011 20:17

I know most of you are probably thinking yes!!! but here is my story.....

Split with ex 15 months ago. Im still living in the family home waiting for him to buy me out, should be in the next couple of weeks and then im moving out of the family home into rented.

In the meantime have had a few boyfriends, no one as ever met my 2 children as I was unsure. This time I know I have met mr right. We have been together 3 months, he has recently met the children and they get on so well, we are so in love, I have NEVER had feelings like this and he is the same. When I move out I did say to start that I was going to move out and be on my own for a few months, im not going to move out for another couple of months anyway and he wants to move in, I really want him to move in because I hate being away from him. Am I mad? It also worries m about the money side of things as I know my child tax credits will drop drastically.

Many thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
npg1 · 05/05/2011 21:27

right ok then, he has just text to say he cant wait to live with me, what do i reply, please give sensible answers that wont upset him

OP posts:
davidtennantsmistress · 05/05/2011 21:29

I shouldn't worry about upsetting him tbh. for tonight i'd say am tied and off to bed, will give you a ring on the weekend (or something)

then when you talk to him (it's a conversation to be done in person) tell him straight you are not happy about this because of XYZ.

coppertop · 05/05/2011 21:30

I think that moving in or not moving in is far too serious a discussion to have by text. It needs to be face-to-face. If you feel you can't do that then there's something very wrong with the relationship.

TheSecondComing · 05/05/2011 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch · 05/05/2011 21:31

Sensible answer would be
" I really like you but I have children. This is too soon for them and too soon for me. Let's just get to know each other and enjoy that for a while. If we love each other there is no rush"

Pagwatch · 05/05/2011 21:32

Blimey. I was answering as I would - in a conversation, not a text.

hester · 05/05/2011 21:33

You can say it's too early for your children. That they are still coping with you splitting with their dad and you think it only fair to take it at the pace you think will suit them best.

If that makes him sad but he accepts that (a) the children come first, and (b) you, their mother, are the person best qualified to decide what suits them best, then you will know this is a guy you can do business with (and, one day, maybe move in with). If he argues that (a) the children will love having him move straight in, or (b) that what he wants is more important than what suits them, then warning bells should start ringing very loudly indeed.

BertieBotts · 05/05/2011 21:33

Pressure is a really really bad sign.

I've been with my boyfriend 6 months, things are going really well. We HAVE talked about moving in, but in about a year's time or longer. Not now - for loads of different reasons. I'm quite enjoying having my own space after being with XP. You haven't even done that yet - you should - it's wonderful, and it teaches you a lot about yourself. He's never lived alone before - so I want him to have that experience as well. I'm not having him going from home where his mum cooks for him and moans at him if he ever cleans because he's "doing it wrong" straight to me just in case he sees me as a substitute mother (which is unlikely anyway since he's a lot cleaner than me Blush) I'm also enjoying the dynamic I have with DS on my own. Yes it's fucking hard at times and I wish I had another adult to help out, but OTOH it seems way too soon to ask DP to take on that responsibility, and also, I don't feel he or I are comfortable with him having that role yet. If he ever slightly disciplines DS (and I mean things like reminding him to say please, or trying to get him to eat one more carrot) I feel weird about it even if I'm happy about what he's asking him to do. I think it will take time before he changes from "Mummy's friend who is lots of fun" to a more "stepfather" kind of role. I'm also really wary about involving him that much in DS' life, just in case we did split up later down the line. I know it was the right thing to split from XP, but it did affect DS and I'm not doing that again lightly.

Are you still living with your XP? Because if so I think you really need time alone first. And I think it would be good for your boyfriend to live alone too, if he's never done that. By the way - pressure is controlling. It might seem less controlling than your ex was, but it's like if you went from a relationship with someone who beat you up all the time, to a relationship where your partner called you a bitch constantly. The only acceptable level of abuse is none. If it's a misunderstanding, then say "Sorry, but I'm just not ready to move in together yet" and he will back off. If he doesn't, that's a massive massive red flag. Please look after yourself x

Original poster
npg1 · 05/05/2011 21:33

Oh my god, perhaps im just caught up in the moment?!

OP posts:
hester · 05/05/2011 21:34

I agree - don't do it by text!

Original poster
npg1 · 05/05/2011 21:34

PS this week I have only seen him a couple of times which is less than normal and its actaully been really nice so no i wouldnt say im needy

OP posts:
zikes · 05/05/2011 21:36

"I've been thinking, I don't think we should move in together just yet. As you know, I'm only recently out of a marriage and things have been very unsettled for the children. I have to put them first and not move things along too fast for them. I want to enjoy dating you & have fun with you."

BertieBotts · 05/05/2011 21:36

npg - so take a step back :) That allows you to see whether it's the moment or whether it isn't. If he's genuine he'll understand and allow you that space. If he gets mad about the idea of stepping back for a while, he's not worth it. Someone who truly loves you wants what is best for you, even if it's not happening at the exact perfect timing for them. They understand and respect that you are a person with different needs and levels of comfort than them.

CaptainBarnacles · 05/05/2011 21:37

TheSecondComing's suggestion is v. good.

davidtennantsmistress · 05/05/2011 21:37

please give yourself and your children time to be on your own - I've been on my own for 4 years by the time DP moves in bit daunting but all the same..

you're yet to do that. oh and this saying helps if he gets assy....

'me & my boy(s) against the world - don't NEED no one, don't want no one' honestly it's the mantra I always went back to everytime I didn't think there would be a light.

KittySpencer · 05/05/2011 21:38

Please don't move in with him. You are very vulnerable, and therefore easy prey to controlling/EA men. He may not be controlling, if he genuinely isn't he will be happy to wait, and understand that you and your children need time on your own.

The fact you are worrying about upsetting him by saying he can't move in rings many alarm bells for me.

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 05/05/2011 21:39

OP Way too soon. Take it from someone who was with "Mr Right" for THREE YEARS (thank god I didn't move in with him) but I had not long been out of a relationship so I hadn't had space and couldn't see the wood for the trees.

I loved him dearly from the moment I set eyes on him, but never knew him until the end came, that's when I saw his true colours. Please please take it slow, if it's meant to be then it will, therefore it can wait.

candleshoe · 05/05/2011 21:40

If it is true love it will wait and it will last - give it a year together first! You owe it to your kids not to make any more mistakes.

TheSecondComing · 05/05/2011 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialPains · 05/05/2011 21:43

You dont think he is in for the long haul with you, unless you do as he says/wants.

Sad
AmIAPayne · 05/05/2011 21:46

Just text "This is all happening too fast. I am not ready for you too move in, it is too soon. We will discuss in detail when we meet next"

AmIAPayne · 05/05/2011 21:46

to move in

shinydiscoball · 05/05/2011 21:50

My DP moved in officially with me 3 months into our relationship and we are still very happy 3 years later - but I would not suggest you do the same.

For starters we had no DC to consider, the only people who would be affected were ourselves. I find it bizarre that you would consider turning your DC's lives upside down whilst they are out of the country, moving can be traumatic enough at any age, adding a new man into the house could be awful for them to deal with (I speak from the heart having moved many times when young, often with mum's new man in tow :()

Secondly - I do sometimes feel that we missed out on some of the excitement that you get at the beginning of relationship, all too quickly we were bickering about whose turn it was to do the washing up and who left the wet towels on the bathroom floor!

Enjoy each other for a while first, don't rush.

busymummyboo · 05/05/2011 21:51

I read your opening post, nothing since. Are you friggin nuts? Yes you are mad it's not fair on your kids. What are you doing getting so involved after 3 months.

Had longer cases of thrush ffs.

Original poster
npg1 · 05/05/2011 21:56

I really do get what u r all talking about, yes I do and my children are the most important thing to me.

This is all going abit too fast for me, I admit, but I am so scared of loosing him but I hear what u all say about him still being there if I tell him.

Im sorry if I have come across as a heartless bitch as I really am not.

OP posts:
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