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Relationships

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Original poster

do you believe in soulmates and are you with yours?

80 replies

edwardsbella · 05/05/2011 13:01

do you think that there is only one man that your are meant to be with?
have you met him? are you married to him? were you with him and why arent you still together ?

OP posts:

FilthyRichAndCatflap · 05/05/2011 21:46

I love my DH very much and he is perfect for me...

...but...I met my soulmate about 3 years ago online, and subsequently in RL. He has become a proper friend, I know his wife, he knows my DH, we are very close although we dont talk very often (mostly an online friendship as he lives overseas). My DH is totally ok about my having a number of male friends; he is not a sensitive/chatty kind of bloke and he recognises that I am and sometimes I need to connect with my male friends who are. When we meet (about once a year) we talk like there is no one else in the world and the intervening months just fall away. We do have a bit of a cuddle when alone, but there isnt a sex thing between us (the cuddle thing is a comfort and a need to be loved). He would be the worst bloke in the world for me to live with, and neither of us has any interest in leaving our spouses. He has so many character flaws that I couldnt deal with (depression, moodiness, total geekiness, selfishness) but yet..

...he understands me and how I tick, he inspires me to do good stuff in my life, he introduces me to new music/films/books that my DH would have no interest in, we share the same sense of humour, we banter like old married couples and are totally comfy in each others' company. We have mutual friends who just see us as great pals. He is very easy to love and he in turn falls in love very easily and is very intense with most of his friends.

If my DH were to bugger off (v.v.v.unlikely!) or die, I would hope to meet someone else to spend my life with, as I am not very good on my own in the long term. My soulmate and I would never be together and I wouldnt want to be. But I do believe that he is a soulmate in the sense that we share so much deep down and he feels to me like the other half of my heart and mind.

wileycoyote · 05/05/2011 21:50

Uh-oh catflap, I would imagine you're going to get some stick for that post.

BertieBotts · 05/05/2011 21:52

I don't think there is just "one" - and DP agrees, though I don't think we've ever specifically discussed it, we have had conversations about how this seems "different" on another level sort of, but then we've also had conversations of "what if we did split up though?" "then we obviously weren't that well suited and so you'd find someone else who was just as good as me but even better." to which I rationally think "Yes, aww, that's true and how lovely of him to say that" but in reality I panic and think "that's never going to happen!"

But I do feel like me and DP are on the same page and we seem to get on better and understand each other and have more shared interests/preferences and complementary personality traits etc than anyone else I've ever been with. And it's like - this is how a relationship should be, and I find it hard now to imagine settling for anything less.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 21:53

why don't you cuddle him in front of your dh, or in front of his wife ?

just curious...

busymummyboo · 05/05/2011 21:54

Soulmates is bollocks. A cliché for mid lifers. I have 100's of soulmates, but married one and it stays that way. But my true soul mate? No such thing.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 21:54

that was to catflap, btw

lazarusb · 05/05/2011 22:25

I'd feel a bit of a twunt telling DH he's my 'soulmate' tbh. If we split or he died I can't imagine being single for the rest of my life and, while he maintains that I am the one and only, I wouldn't want him to deny himself happiness or a shag if I died either.

Onefunmum · 05/05/2011 22:35

No and therefore no.
Agree with AF.

anothermum92 · 05/05/2011 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFucker · 05/05/2011 23:10

I reckon my true soul mate is an inuit living in an igloo above the Arctic Circle

which is an awful crying shame as I will never meet him

*waaaaaaaaaah^

anothermum92 · 05/05/2011 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 05/05/2011 23:13

Oh there are plenty of people you could build a lasting and contented relationship with. Most people who have lasting and contented relationships happened to meet someone who was basically OK, attractive, available, with similar views on monogamy and (this is the important point) as ready to commit as the other partner was. If longterm heteromonogamy is what you are after, and you're ready for commitment now, the first basically OK, sufficiently desirable and available person you encounter who is at the same stage will be It. And if the person you are happy with now had been eaten by wolves on the way to your second date, you would be equally happy with whoever was the next attractive, available, OK and ready-to-commit person who turned up.

HorseWhisperer · 05/05/2011 23:20

DH and I have now been together over a decade and have 4 dc. We have been through some extraordinary ups and downs but have come through these adventures stronger, closer and more in love. I know him better and love him more each day and as he does me. WWIFN, puts it very well: [couples] "learn" how to be eachother's soul mate. I think DH and I are like that.

When we first met there was a truck load of lustiness and a lot of 'I like yous' but that has now matured to a deeper love borne of shared experiences, mutual respect and common goals. The lust is still there, but it is better now because I am much more open about what I want and the things we do now I was too nervous/shy to discuss in the early days.

Do I believe that DH is the only one on this earth for me? No. I imagine if, God forbid, he died I would be able to move on as long as there was love, mutual respect, loyalty and good sex. However, my DH is unique because with him I have a lot of my 'firsts', I will never have that with anyone else. He is also a very nice human being, a lovely, lovely man. He is honourable, dignified and graceful and he loves me very much.

Yes, I like what WWIFN said. I think we have learned to be each others soulmates. If we continue to avoid being complacent, if we continue to love, like and respect each other then I think we will remain 'soulmates'.

I may not believe in the OP's version of soulmates but I think it is very lovely that she and some of the other posters have such a romantic view of relationships.

expatinscotland · 05/05/2011 23:44

My parents have now been married for 47 years, and despite swings and roundabouts, happy. They're off week after next week to Spain for her 70th birthday, she's in Japan now with my sister.

But if you asked my mother, 'Is Papa your soulmate', she'd laugh.

A soul is complete in and of itself. It needs no compliment. There's nothing missing from it. It is not even half dead if it's life partner dies. There's no such thing as Horcruxes.

As she says, 'Only you can make you happy. Only you can ruin your life. It is dependent on no one else. If you cannot love yourself, then you cannot truly love anyone else.'

Original poster

edwardsbella · 06/05/2011 06:56

thats deep expat something to think about

OP posts:

TheOriginalFAB · 06/05/2011 07:48

catflap you do know that depression is an illness and not a "character flaw"?

merrywidow · 06/05/2011 12:40

you lot are so unromantic ; I knew that some day my prince would come

DrunkenDaisy · 06/05/2011 13:32

Would you still think he's your soulmate if he knobbed your sister?

florencedougal · 06/05/2011 13:39

not sure about the term soulmate

i do think there are people you are inexplicably attracted to, even before you know them

i met my husband when i was 17 and I am nearly 50 now and we are still together. I knew from the moment I met him there was something about him.

lazarusb · 06/05/2011 13:41

But your soulmate wouldn't knob your sister would he?

Morloth · 06/05/2011 13:41

I agree with SpringchickenGoldBrass and HorseWhisperer, I think when I was single and found DH a lot of the men I knew could have worked out (and I had a lot of options in those days as a female gamer ).

But over the years we have kind of grown into each other 'soulmates' just sounds ridiculous and teenagery and isn't exactly the right word but I am not sure what is.

If DH died before me I don't think I would be that interested in another long term partnership, I think I would probably look at having a couple of 'friends with benefits' and enjoy the single life otherwise.

This is what my mother has done since my father died when I was young, they had a fantastic relationship and I know she has had many male 'friends' since then, but she gets bored with them quickly and doesn't want the restrictions on her time that a 'proper' relationship would bring.

Sounds about right to me, I already love DH and therefore am happy to compromise for him, I don't think I would bother with getting to know someone enough to be willing to set it up from the start again.

I am a stand alone person in my own right, I love sharing my life with DH but I would be complete without him, sad, but complete.

florencedougal · 06/05/2011 13:43

I'd expect and want dh to find someone else if I croaked.

oh yes definitely, loving someone is wanting them to be happy, not be miserable looking at your photo/grave every day :(

Morloth · 06/05/2011 13:47

DH can do what he likes once I am gone, but if he brings in someone who fucks up my kids, I will be waiting and not in a nice way.

expatinscotland · 06/05/2011 15:01

You don't have to 'find someone else' when your partner dies. Even ever. It doesn't mean you're miserable, looking at photos or visiting graves every day.

I know two people who've been single (aside from friends with benefits) for many years and are very very happy people.

Morloth · 06/05/2011 15:14

That's what my mum has done, she doesn't look miserable, but she could be faking I guess, I would ask her, if I could get hold of her!

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