Would you stay under these circumstances?

[SuperAmoo]

DP and I have 2 DDs 5 and 2. We have been together for 9 years. 95% of that time has been unhappy for me. We separated once but he fell to pieces and somehow managed to move back in - I can't stand up to him. I hate upsetting people and always put them before what I want. I stay with him because I suspect that DP would drink himself to death and/or my 5 year old would be emotionally damaged for the rest of her life and NEVER forgive me. Me and DP haven't had sex for nearly 2.5 years now. My DP drinks 5/6 cans of strong lager every night and has done since we met. The control is very subtle but he does control me and I can't stand it. I can't be honest with him for fear of hurting him so he resorts to reading my texts, reading my Facebook messages, my emails and my diaries. He said he had to because it was the only way he could find out what I was really thinking/feeling. The diaries thing is new. I do write all my bad thoughts in them not just day to day happenings so they are VERY private. I found out at the weekend that whilst I was away with the chilren he read my diary. I forgave him because I figured that's the only way he could find out how I feel. But then I found out lastnight (because he let it slip) that he's been reading them for 9 years. I feel betrayed and broken. I feel I could never ever be intimate with him again. PArt of me detests him. I just want out. But everytime I see him I'm nice as pie and he's nice back. If I chuck him out he won't be able to afford a place to live on his salary or the child maintenance payments. He has multiple sclerosis so he shouldn't be under any stress. And the children sob if he's late home from work so how could I split up from him? Would you forgive him? If he goes I am also on my own, there is no family within 200 miles to help me. I am also a Christian and can't imagine it would ever be right to put your own happiness first - my understanding of the Bible is that Jesus says this is bad basically.

Depends if you want to live like this for the rest of your life.

Perhaps you need a list. List reasons to stay and list reasons to go.

It sounds to me like the only thing keeping you with him is fear. Fear of being alone, fear of affording it, fear of what other people will think. If they are reasons to stay with someone, then stay.

If you choose to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy with someone who doesn't trust or respect you, then that's an unfortunate choice you have made.

I would recommend you consider making a different choice.

Currently you're enabling an alcoholic. He can continue drinking and destroying his health, and put the responsibility for his well-being on you.

It's worrying that the children sob when he's late. That's not normal, that sounds like insecurity. When my dh is late, the kids shrug it off cos they know he'll be back, they're not living on the edge.

I think you need to look at Al-Anon.

No, I wouldn't stay, you will be miserable for the rest of your life and your children will grow up with the belief that a life like this is normal and acceptable. I wouldn't want my daughters to grow up thinking that a controlling husband is normal, that an unhappy mother is normal or that it's normal for their father to drink 6 cans of lager a night.

He is a control freak and Jesus will forgive you.

SuperAmoo - leave him. Please.
This is no life for you, surely you can see that. You have no privacy, no respect, nothing.

He is NOT your responsibility. He is a grown man. If you split up and he drinks himself to death that is HIS choice. The way he is going that will happen anyway, only it will be a slow death that you and your dc will have to watch.
Don't use your dc as an excuse to stay. Speaking as the dd of an alcoholic who ended up in a relationship with one for 5 years, you won't do your dc any favours staying with him. They will be screwed up by it.
I agree with Zikes - Al Anon can help you, give them a call.

In answer to your question.

No. I would not. In fact I DID not stay in this. After 10 years, he finally left.

It was hard to process what had actually happened to me in all that time, but my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. My DS is 5 and he is fine with Daddy going, he could see how awful life was and he doesn't ask to call him, and he says no, every time I ask him if he wants to speak to his dad.

You are NOT responsible for your H. He is responsible for himself. He needs help and you allowing him to live like this, while you suffer IS damaging your DC.

My x smokes dope, not a fan of alcohol, so I don't know the recovery path for that, is it AA or Al-Anon for the relatives? Ah, seen there above Al-Anon. FAST!

You don't need to live like this, you need RL support, and you need to understand that this is a very harmful environment for you and your DC.

Al Anon will help with the alcohol but Womens Aid will help with the abuse. Domestic violence takes many forms but is ultimately defined by controlling behaviour.

Your children are clearly suffering - I wonder if they may be picking up your anxiety about him coming home? They need their Mum to be happy and healthy, not controlled and mistrusted.

Leave him for your sake, for your childrens sake and for his sake. Only he can save himself from alcoholism, it may be that by staying with him you are supporting his habit.

I know a woman who has lived with an alcoholic husband and ten years later still talks about leaving him. She is tied down with home and money issues and now her children are settled at secondary school she can't cope with leaving.
Leave now while your children are small and they are able to build a better future with a happy mother.

Jesus will not save you, you will only save yourself. If your mother or family is supportive, go to them. Your isolation is not helping you and your partner is making the most of it. You need friends and family around you now.

Remember the time will never be 'right' - if you feel like going one day, just up and go. You will be fine, he will be fine - eventually. It may be the best for both of you.

actually your DC will suffer if you stay as you are with no change.

as others said -sobbing coz he home late aint normal. at all.

if you are church going ask your vicar/priest/church community for support and help. having MS is no excuse for heavy driniking. and if he needs support to deal with his health issues he needs to get that too.

try also local MS support group.

and Social services for a carers assessment as you are a carer if he has MS.

The thing is DP isn't drunk after 5/6 cans. It's true can't afford it and he's hungover and tired all the time. But he's not falling down drunk and has held down his job for 6 years and works really hard. I gave up confronting him about years ago as I figured his addiction was none of my business. The children sob sometimes because they just love seeing him - he's such a good dad. He is also nice to me mostly - he tries really hard at times to be thoughtful, kind and on some level I know he knows he can't stop drinking but whenever he decides enough is enough, all he does is use his willpower to stop for a couple of weeks and then starts again. I suppose I could say 'go to AA or you have to move out but who am I to say that?!' I am in no position to leave because of his alcoholism - I have an eating disorder and have been in the 12 step program for 10 years trying to stop but still haven't. So I can't judge. It is all very subtle. There's no arguments really - just ocassional boiling over of tempers every couple of months and we scream and shout at each other for ten minutes, he doesn't talk to me for 3 days and then we say sorry. I just know that I am being controlled because for all these years I've been too scared to say actually I've got too many problems of my own - I am a codependent with an eating disorder and this relationship is pure AGONY for me and for my own health and sanity I need to get away from your quiet manipulation, guilt trips, head fucks and shocking denial and dishonesty. He was quite happy to let me believe that I was the nut job all these years and all the problems were because of me and sent me off to Relate to talk about my sexual problems (because I must have been abnormal not to want to sleep with him). When all along he has lied and decieved and used. I have been in AGONY with guilt at upsetting him by refusing to sleep with him but now I know about the diaries I realise my gut was right - it is right not trust him and I AM being controlled. The problem is I just can't handle his problems. I feel too weak to support him through his problems when I have my own recovery from eating disorder and codependency to think about. But again, the Bible tells me not to be selfish. So I stay. I feel like I'm going to go crazy. And the more he senses me pulling away, the nicer and nicer he is to me and then I feel like a total bitch. I know we're not married but surely, having been together for 9 years, I should say get your stupid arse to AA or you're out and then stand by him and support him in his recovery? The sad thing is I feel like even if we both get into good recovery with good support networks, I am still broken. This relationship and my behaviour in it has literally broken me and I can't ever be fixed. If he left, I would make sure I stayed on my own for the rest of my life I think.

You are enabling an alcoholic, your life is never going to get better, it will either stay the same or get worse.

Your house is not a happy home and it is not a good environment to bring your children up in.

Your children will grow up to believe that how you live is normal, it isn't.

If he gave up drink he may well be able to afford to get himself somewhere to live.

He needs help, talk to him tell him that you cannot continue to live in this manner, do you want a life where you are never happy.

I feel it is really sick that he reads your diaries, he knows how you feel but stays with you, how awful that is.

I'm sorry but no, you are not understanding the Bible correctly.

There are people who will twist things in the Bible around to convince women they should put up with horrible men, because to leave them is 'selfish'.

But I honestly don't believe Jesus would ever tell a woman to stay with a man who treats his family so badly. I don't believe someone who defended prostitutes and lepers, who said 'the meek shall inherit the earth', who said we should all be good to each other and treat each other nicely, would then turn around and say, Oh except for SuperAmoo, she should stay unhappy for the rest of her life.

I understand there are many reasons you are afraid to leave him. But please don't think there is anything in the Bible that compels you to stay, and don't let anyone tell you this either.

why bring two kids into a 95% unhappy situation

No, I wouldn't stay. Why would I? Judging by your posts, I would be getting nothing from this relationship but grief. And dreamingbohemian makes a very good point.

x-post

You seem very keen to not be seen as selfish.

But I could just as easily say it is selfish for you to stay. You are raising your kids in a miserable environment because it seems too hard to leave.

Do you see what I mean? It's all perspective. Forget about the selfish thing, just do what's best for your kids.

It is actually worrying that he's not apparently drunk after all that alcohol - that's because his tolerance is so high. He's a functioning alcoholic for employment purposes, currently. That won't continue.

That you have your own problems makes no difference. You say you know you're co-dependent, so you know you are not helping him or yourself by staying together like this.

I think Jesus would expect you to look after the children first and an environment where there is alcoholism, screaming rows, the silent treatment, emotional abuse, unhappiness and deceit is not a good environment for children.

Superamoo - please call Womens Aid, right now if you are in the mood.

None of us are perfect, we all have issues.

Do you have any other family support - or friends?

Remember that people who are controlling are very smart. If you don't feel strong enough emotionally or intellectually to leave (you say you think you're going mad), use practical things, such as distance to put a barrier between you and give you strength.

By the sound of it he has done all he can to bring you down while keeping on smiling at you. Make sure that when you go, you go somewhere that you will be supported and that it is outside his social environment so he is not able to manipulate the situation. A hostel or refuge is not a bad option.

SuperAmoo

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. Two words suffice - damaging lessons. Your children are picking up on all this and you as their mother cannot protect them fully from the realities of this broken family unit.

It is hard to leave but there is help out there from Womens Aid. You need to be brave and make that call to them. It is just as hard to remain within this dysfunction and he is making your life and that of your childrens worse because he is dragging you all down with him.

He is patently not a good dad or partner to you if he is prepared to treat you all as he does. Many women in abusive situations often write similar comments (i.e he's a good dad) primarily because they themselves have nothing positive to say about their man.

It will do your children no favours at all to grow up within such an inherently unhappy and dysfunctional household. They will wonder why you never left and put him before them. Is this the relationship model you want for both yourself and your children?.

These types of dysfunctional relationships where alcohol is a factor often have elements of codependency within them. You may also want to read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Davies.

You have fallen into many of the traps and situations that such dysfunctional unhealthy relationships bring. You are not responsible for your alcoholic abusive partner and Jesus would not want you to remain within such an unhealthy relationship. There is nothing in the bible that compels you to stay within this dysfunction and you are misreading it (BTW I am RC). You can only help your own self ultimately and he has shown you no consideration whatsoever.

Dear SuperAmoo
I read your post and it gave me goosebumps because I have been in a very similar situation. Christian woman, with young children and a controlling husband with a drink problem. Like you I got to the point where I didn't know what to do for the best and had to make some hard decisions.
Firstly, I totally get where you are coming from in trying to do the right thing as a Christian and I believe your faith will help you through this. But there is a lot in the bible too about husbands respecting and honouring their wives, not being drunk etc. You are not accountable for his actions.
Secondly, from reading your post it is so clear that his behaviour has crushed your self esteem to the point where you doubt your own judgement and strength. You can be strong and make the right decisions for yourself and your husband and your children.
Decide what you will and won't put up with, tell him and stick to your guns.
Okay, I know it sounds easy and it is very hard in reality, but trust me when I tell you that I know how frightening it is to be in your shoes and I wouldn't suggest anything I hadn't done myself.
You can't and shouldn't attempt this by yourself. Get some help for you to support you before, during and after. When I reached out for myself I found huge help from my GP, Womens Aid were amazing and my local Police couldn't have been better.
The result for my was that when I did confront, things naturally went to crisis point but I had a plan in place that kept me and the kids in our home and safe. It was a horrible thing to go through but my husband did get help and we managed to work through it. I couldn't have done it with out the support network or my faith but 2 years on and thank god, the dark days are over and my family is intact.
I really hope this has been a bit of help and encouragement to you that things can get better. Your husband is an adult who has to take responsibility for his choices and actions.
Whatever his response, you are not guilty.
You and your children deserve so much more. Life does not have to be this difficult all the time.
Take care,

I wouldn't stay with someone who made me unhappy 95% of the time. And nor would I have had children with him. As you have had children with this man, I suggest you do the right thing and leave him so that your children have the chance of a normal and stable upbringing. This isn't about him and it isn't so much about you. It's about what is right for your children.

Your children sob sometimes because they just love seeing him? What is that all about? Why sob? Surely that isn't normal or healthy?

And why stay and have two kids in a 95% unhappy relationship? You keep referring to the bible, but you are not married, so why stay? Does the bible preach sex outside of marriage?

I wouldn't stay.

IMO you are being selfish towards your children by staying with this man.

but the children are happy and have a lovely life. they have never seen us fight - well DD1 has heard us bicker twice maybe 3 times - but that is normal for any family. I am ALWAYS happy and jolly and take them out all over the place and have their friends over. i always kiss and cuddle DP in front of them to show them what love 'looks like' (even though I don't want to) They go to bed happy every night. We have family trips out. DP VERY rarely does anything with them without me but I put that down to being tired due to his MS. Ocassionally DD1 asks why we're not married and when are we going t get married. But I never married DP because I couldn't stand up in a church before God and my family and lie, nor could I lie to DP. DD1 was actually an 'accident'. I was about to leave DP after 18 months together and I felt so sorry for him because we hadn't been physical for months that I gave in and had sex even though I didn't want to. I was on the pill but I fell pregnant anyway. I would never have an abortion so I figured we'd give it a go and see if things got better. They didn't so I left him when DD1 was 18 months old. We were separated for three months, I didn't want to get back together but by a combination of manipulation, scaring and bullying me, and mostly just making me feel guilty, he moved back in. He stopped drinking and smoking week for two months and made a massive effort and I was fairly happy for that time. But then it slowly went back to 'normal' and I was too worn down by guilt trips and defensiveness to confront him again. Maybe DD2 was due to my own problems - I just didn't want DD1 to be alone and I figured if I have to stay here in this relationship then I want another baby because I love children. And I have never regretted that decision. She is an absolute JOY and we all adore her. She is what often keeps us going. I know the Bible doesn't tell me stay given that we're not married but Jesus does say I must think of others and not put my own happiness first. So that is what I have done - I have kept the children very happy and DP fairly happy at the expense of my own happiness. It's backfiring now though because I sustain such a pretense.

But... but... but...
Everyone is giving you good advice here, it's up to you if you take it. The alternative is to keep talking yourself into carrying on as you are, which is what you seem to be doing in all of your posts. I think you need to choose, and whatever choice you make, understand that nothing is ever perfect but that you have chosen how you want to live.

What you say in your last post makes no kind of sense - that the children never see any of this. You really think they don't notice when he doesn't talk to you for three days?!

well it only happens 2-3 times a year so no I'm sure they don't notice! Lucyinthepie, I am not trying to defend the relationship - I am responding to other posters saying the children are unhappy and should come first. It is because they are very HAPPY that they are coming first by me sticking with the relationship. I would like to give a full picture of my situation rather than people have to fill in the gaps. If the children were unhappy, I'd be gone before the morning. Unfortunately they are not. Lately, I have been quite disappointed that they are so happy, I was hoping that they would in some way be affected by DP and then I would be perfectly justified in breaking up the family. As it goes, he makes such an effort to be a loving father, they absolutely adore him, more than me really. I wish they were miserable, then I could go. No to all intents and purposes we're a happy family unit. I'm such a **hot actress and so determined that the children will have a happy upbringing that I am told by everyone, family and friends, and strangers, to stay. Just make the best of it I am told. When it comes to the physical relationship my family have told me, 'no wonder he drinks, if you won't have sex with him, poor bloke'. So it feels like I am the only person in the world that feels this way about him and I am being a total bitch.