Would you stay under these circumstances?

[SuperAmoo]

DP and I have 2 DDs 5 and 2. We have been together for 9 years. 95% of that time has been unhappy for me. We separated once but he fell to pieces and somehow managed to move back in - I can't stand up to him. I hate upsetting people and always put them before what I want. I stay with him because I suspect that DP would drink himself to death and/or my 5 year old would be emotionally damaged for the rest of her life and NEVER forgive me. Me and DP haven't had sex for nearly 2.5 years now. My DP drinks 5/6 cans of strong lager every night and has done since we met. The control is very subtle but he does control me and I can't stand it. I can't be honest with him for fear of hurting him so he resorts to reading my texts, reading my Facebook messages, my emails and my diaries. He said he had to because it was the only way he could find out what I was really thinking/feeling. The diaries thing is new. I do write all my bad thoughts in them not just day to day happenings so they are VERY private. I found out at the weekend that whilst I was away with the chilren he read my diary. I forgave him because I figured that's the only way he could find out how I feel. But then I found out lastnight (because he let it slip) that he's been reading them for 9 years. I feel betrayed and broken. I feel I could never ever be intimate with him again. PArt of me detests him. I just want out. But everytime I see him I'm nice as pie and he's nice back. If I chuck him out he won't be able to afford a place to live on his salary or the child maintenance payments. He has multiple sclerosis so he shouldn't be under any stress. And the children sob if he's late home from work so how could I split up from him? Would you forgive him? If he goes I am also on my own, there is no family within 200 miles to help me. I am also a Christian and can't imagine it would ever be right to put your own happiness first - my understanding of the Bible is that Jesus says this is bad basically.

For christ's sake OP, for every word that you have written and the ones you haven't you KNOW this is not normal, that no-one stays in situations like this.

All of the above means that you have to plan more than the average person, you have to make sure you cover all your bases, and you know that you can'd to it alone.

First stop Woman's Aid, they will make sure you do all you can to to be safe. They will advise you on what to to when and how to protect your family. The police/courts can be involved too if need be, although if there is no history of real violence, it may not be easy to get full assistance.

You CAN'T stay in this situation, you are neglecting yourself and YOUR CHILDREN. Be a better person, a better mother, a better woman and take the step to day to free yourselves from what could be a very sticky end for you all.

Hi
Posted yesterday and won't repeat myself.
Stay strong and get help. It is hard I know, but you can do it.
Thinking of you.

thank you all for your support and advice. Have called Alanon and found a meeting nearby and am going to call Woman's Aid. I am going to quietly get ready to ask him to go. All our photos are on an external hardrive for instance so I'm going to make sure I have a copy of them because I know he'd just take it.

Sorry bout' what you're going through OP
the diary think would be a bigh No no for me, he seems like a really selfish arse.

Super -- I'm really proud of you

Please get all the advice you can, and be very careful. Let the experts help you make plans. Stay strong!

(You should probably make sure he can't find this thread by searching your computer -- I'm sure someone here can advise the best way to clear your history.)

Good luck!

Good woman!
You can do this.

You're a christian and Jesus says that children are the key to everything. You should put your kids first. What example is he setting to them by drinking every night? What experience do they have of marriage if they never see the natural affection between you both? Children learn through us and what they are learning from you is that it's ok to be unhappy in a bad marriage and to be submissive to the man who in turn gets away with drinking to excess and is never affectionate to his wife.

They might not see a lot of what goes on, but it's that is the key. The children don't see any affection, laughter, happiness etc. It's what they are not seeing that is bothering me and should be bothering you.

However this isn't as simple as "should I leave him?" As you say, you are religious and therefore believe in the sanctity of marriage. So start going to marriage guidance and invite him. He probably won't go so go by yourself and let your priest/vicar know what you are doing. At least you will be doing everything you can to put this relationship back on track and the counsellor may be able to help you start regaining a little bit of control.

If you do end up leaving. You are doing so for the children, not in spite of them. Because they deserve parents who are happy and who love one another. They shouldn't be brought up around a loveless marriage. Neither should he use emotional blackmail to try to keep you. There is nothing in the Bible which says that you should be a doormat. There are however many examples of Jesus losing his temper with whingers and whiners.

Be strong and put your children first. They don't have to suffer because of a break-up. You can have joint custody and can arrange for him to pick them up from school and have just as much influence over their lives as you do. In fact in some divorces the children benefit because the time each parent spends with them is quality time. The reason your kids cry now when he doesn't come home is because they feel insecure. They have picked up on the vibes around the house and it is making them anxious and worried, just as you are. Once you are strong and happy, they will follow suit.

Best of luck.

They're not married, Rhubarb.

Just reading some of your other posts.
Do you honestly think that your children will thank you for staying with an abusive, controlling drinker? He might be fine with them now, but how about when they get older and start questioning him and his judgement? How will he take that? Will they be strong enough to hold their own or will they crumble like they've seen their mother do so many times before?

This is not about your happiness. This is about your safety and that of your children. You are not responsible for his soul. The Lord makes it very clear that a husband should respect his wife and treat her with dignity and kindness. He is not doing that, far from it. Do you think God would want you to put up with this cruelty and bullying behaviour? Do you think God wants you to bring children up in this environment?

Not even married eh? Well then you have no reason to stay with this man. Find someone who knows how to love. You gave this man every chance and he has shown that he is unwilling to change. You were patient, understanding and kind but if he just keeps taking advantage then you are a fool for staying any longer. Give him a list of things he needs to do to stand a chance with you. My bet is that he won't be willing to change. So now is the time to walk away having given it your best shot.

Hi SA-
Good to hear you've made that first step to getting support.

Remember, don't let him bog you down with reasons/excuses/guilt - you seem to be taking these on as your own.
So many good posts from others on here regarding your children and your future I don't need to add to them.
Remember you are only still with him because you are strong enough to take it. Most women would have crumbled a long time ago. I believe that in a relationship you should both be giving each other strength, not wearing each other down.
I hope you can see this as the beginning of a successful future - your strength can take you a long way - don't waste it on this man.