Would you stay under these circumstances?

[SuperAmoo]

DP and I have 2 DDs 5 and 2. We have been together for 9 years. 95% of that time has been unhappy for me. We separated once but he fell to pieces and somehow managed to move back in - I can't stand up to him. I hate upsetting people and always put them before what I want. I stay with him because I suspect that DP would drink himself to death and/or my 5 year old would be emotionally damaged for the rest of her life and NEVER forgive me. Me and DP haven't had sex for nearly 2.5 years now. My DP drinks 5/6 cans of strong lager every night and has done since we met. The control is very subtle but he does control me and I can't stand it. I can't be honest with him for fear of hurting him so he resorts to reading my texts, reading my Facebook messages, my emails and my diaries. He said he had to because it was the only way he could find out what I was really thinking/feeling. The diaries thing is new. I do write all my bad thoughts in them not just day to day happenings so they are VERY private. I found out at the weekend that whilst I was away with the chilren he read my diary. I forgave him because I figured that's the only way he could find out how I feel. But then I found out lastnight (because he let it slip) that he's been reading them for 9 years. I feel betrayed and broken. I feel I could never ever be intimate with him again. PArt of me detests him. I just want out. But everytime I see him I'm nice as pie and he's nice back. If I chuck him out he won't be able to afford a place to live on his salary or the child maintenance payments. He has multiple sclerosis so he shouldn't be under any stress. And the children sob if he's late home from work so how could I split up from him? Would you forgive him? If he goes I am also on my own, there is no family within 200 miles to help me. I am also a Christian and can't imagine it would ever be right to put your own happiness first - my understanding of the Bible is that Jesus says this is bad basically.

I am also frequently informed by friends and family that drinking 5-6 cans of strong lager each evening is NOT a drink problem and is perfectly normal and acceptable so I am rather surprised that everyone so far has said I am in a relationship with an alcoholic! IN the 9 years I've known him his drinking has never increased - I WANT him to be an alcoholic because it would just make things simpler for me - I'd say to him go to f**king AA and stop being such a twat. But then the nagging doubt comes in that his drinking is normal and it's ME that's the twat.

interesting. How DOES one make the best of it when 95% of her life is unhappy.

If you can come up the answer to that dear girl you will be a multi-millionaire.

He's a DRUNK! He's breaking the family up. NEWSFLASH! This already IS a broken home! HE BROKE IT!

He is a controlling abusive drunk of the worst kind, and by the sounds of it your family aren't exactly the best of the bunch either. Why do they want to see their own daughter/sister miserable, slowly killing herself with an eating disorder.

Love you are trapping yourself in with a person who doesn't have anything else in his head but alcohol. This will possibly kill you in the end, or at least kill off your hope and when the kids leave, you will be stuck with him. The kids will try to help when they realise what a mess this is, but in the end, if you don't leave, they may just give up, or worse decide they can't handle you living like this and leaving you to it.

Wake UP! Take decisive action. Even if he stops drinking, he'll STILL be an abusive controlling ogre, just a sober one. You are making excuses for his abuse, putting it down to the drink. It's nothing to do with it.

Read Why Does He Do That. Your H is in there.

Sorry, but WHO the FUCK ARE your friends and family?

OK, experiment time.

Put the DC to bed early, and YOU drink 5-6 cans, (OK, you are a woman, drink 4-5 then) and YOU see if that is too much?

I think your children notice far more than you realise actually. Downplaying the emotional abuse you suffer is just playing further into his hands. Your children are making the best of a bad job and probably think also that the problems between their parents is all their fault as well. Children will accept any parent; a drunkard father and an emotionally battered and worn down mother in their case. He has done a fine job on you to get you to the state you are in and he is the root cause of your problems now.

Would you want your DDs to end up with a man like the one you have now?. How would you feel then if that scenario was to happen to both of them. You are teaching your DDs that all this is currently acceptable to you so you condone the abuse meted out to you by excusing it.

You don't have to want for him to be an alcoholic - he's already there.

Who are these strangers you refer to?. We are strangers to you on here but no-one on here is advising you to stay; far from it.

What sort of friends and family do you have if your own family members are telling you to stay with such a selfish ogre of a partner?. I'd cut them off if family said that and you certainly need a new set of friends (are they mainly his friends?). None of these associates are certainly not acting in your best interests are they?.

You are growing flowers in your hole. Instead of doing that, dig your way out!!.

Hello again. In your own words -" It's backfiring now though because I sustain such a pretense."
Don't you deserve better than to live your life as a lie? And how much longer can you sustain the pretense?
Of course your kids are happy and having a lovely life. You are working overtime to protect them from the reality of homelife and by ensuring that they are happy you are sacrificing your own life and your chance to be what God intended you to be.
You say you are worn down by it all, but unless you make the changes yourself you are just going to get more and more weary ( and the kids will see behind the pretending to be cheerful mummy).
Start with a small step. Have a chat with women's aid or your gp or someone who can give you support.
All the best,

You are not married???? Get out! Please get legal advice, you are in such a risky position.
I do not know what kind of abusive/mixed up background you come from, but you need real help. What kind of counselling have you received?

I think your family/friends may well be part of the problem. Drinking everyday or because you "need" to is alcoholism, alcoholics often don't get drunk. They can also stop for a while.

Your children are being damaged by this, and you "I don't matter attitude" however happy they may appear.

If you are right and the kids don't realise anything is wrong (which I doubt) then it is only because they are 5 and 2. They will grow up and see the truth.

Your partner isn't tired because he has MS, he's tired because he drinks 6 cans of lager every night. Why would you feel sorry for someone who is ruining his own health?

You say you are staying because Jesus tells you not to put your own happiness first but if you were really that much of a Christian you never would have slept with him or had kids with him without getting married. Saying it would be a lie makes no sense, if you believe the Bible so literally that you think Jesus is telling you to stay in an abusive relationship, then you would get married, period. So I'm sorry, but I just don't believe you.

I think you are clutching at straws to come up with every possible rationalisation to stay with him and justify your misery.

SA - what happened when you left him? Where did you go and what help did you have? Could you do anything differently this time?

I think you have been a very strong person to deal with this situation for so long. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for that - but it is your ability to cope so well that is the only thing sustaining the relationship.

Why not make life a bit easier for yourself?

hello dreamingbohemian - I haven't been a Christian that long - I would, as you said, never have ended up in this situation had I been Christian when I first met him. I started going to church because I was suicidal and looking for spiritual help. I've been Christian for about 3 years now. Thank you everyone for all your advice, it's really helping me get things clearer in my head.

One can of strong larger (if you mean say Stella) will normally be 3 units. A can of super strength (which I think you might mean) will be 4.5. But lets go with the Stella

5-6 cans per night = 15-18 units per night

7 nights per week = 105-126 units per week

Government recommends no more than 3-4 units per day maximum for men. 5 times that every day sounds like a major drink problem to me. If he is drinking super strength he's consuming 22-27 units per night.

BTW I really hope he doesn't drive as he will be over the limit the next morning.

I used to think that my DCs didn't notice the strained atmosphere in our home. I used to think that my DCs hadn't heard the arguments. I used to be told that my (then) DP drinking at least a bottle of wine a night wasn't that unusual. I couldn't understand how that amount of booze didn't make my DP seem drunk. I thought it was only when my DP drank more than usual and got really aggressive that was the big problem.

When my ex and I finally split because the boozing had got worse (as had the abuse) that I saw my DCs emerge from shells I didn't even realise they had been hiding in. It was when I got away from my ex's drunk friends that I noticed that, actually, the vast majority of parents don't drink anywhere near that much. It was when my ex managed to spend a few weeks sober that I realised the reason she hadn't seemed drunk after a bottle of wine a night was that she was always at least a little bit drunk. What I thought was "normal and sober" for her was "tipsy" for everybody else. And it was when I ended up in counselling that I realised that the abuse in that relationship wasn't just confined to the worst of the arguments and fights. It stemmed from the fact that my ex's relationship with alcohol was stronger and more important than her relationship with me.

Oh, and my ex is most definitely an alcoholic.

Depending on the strength of the lager then five to six cans a night is (depending on whether we're talking about Stella or Special Brew) 15 units of alcohol a day and up. Call it 100 units a week as a minimum. You tell a doctor that is how much someone is drinking and see if the doctor thinks that's "normal". It isn't. But drunks are very good at spotting other drunks as- well, I was going to say "friends" but the reality is it's more "drinking buddies".

You can't change him. You can't control his drinking, you can't get him to stop. You worry that he would drink himself to death if you leave him but, honestly, look at how much he's drinking. He's drinking himself to death even though you're with him. Whatever he chooses to do is his responsibility. Whatever choices you make in your life are yours. Why willingly choose to live a life that is full of lies and misery?

Are you utterly barking mad insanely mental?

You are in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic. You do realise God loves you and doesn't want to see you like that? Also, you are not answerable for anyone's soul but your own.

OP thanks for clarifying that.

I'm glad you are finding some solace in your faith when you are feeling low -- to me, that is what religion is for. It should give you hope and the strength to deal with life's problems.

It should NOT justify staying in a bad situation. Christianity is not about being passive in the face of problems -- it's about finding a way to living a good life. An honestly good life, not lying to your kids and pretending everything is okay.

Please, please believe me, if you met Jesus today, he would not tell you to stay in this situation.

He would, however, tell your husband that he is in big trouble!

Don't worry abou the Bible right now. Do what you have to do, you can always ask for forgiveness later if you feel like you have to.

My ex the childrens father only drank 5/6 cans a night, he has liver failure and is now a diabetic. When he stopped drinking without no support he collapsed and was hospitalised. He is classed as an alcoholic even though he has not drunk for 6 months, the damage is done.

Your partner is an alcoholic it doesnt matter that the drink does not affect him.

Look at it this way is it acceptable for a man to drink as much as he does? No it is not, is it acceptable to be in a relationship where one partner is as unhappy as you are.

I can't help on the Christian front, I'm an Athiest, but I defy anybody to tell me that god expects people to be unhappy and live a shit life.

Sorry, that makes no sense to me.

Before you know it you will be suicidal for only so long can you live the life you live and it not make you feel worse as a person.

What then?

Im sorry to be harsh but you need a swift kick and I'm trying to be that kick.

BarbieGrows - when I left him last time he completely fell to pieces. Reported me to social services and told them a pack of lies about me abusing the children. He drank and drank. Despite me asking again and again for space - he came here at lunchtimes and every evening and weekends and pushed his way back. He scared me a couple of times shouting and screaming and saying totally psycho things that I was going to 'get it'. THen he read a few self help books and stopped drinking and smoking and started trying to 'win my heart' back but there was also lots of emotional blackmail and I was too weak to resist. Two weeks after we started patching things up he managed to move back in again even though I didn't want him too. Again, I was too pathetic and guilt-ridden to stand up to him. I'm scared that he'll try and kill us if I ask him to go because we are EVERYTHING to him and he WILL fall apart, I know it. I think I will ring some of the organisations recommended - woman's aid and alanon. thank you.

He sounds bloody awful, I think you are right to worry about your safety. Please do call Women's Aid, they're great.

I'm so glad you are thinking about things. You don't have to live like this!

When you left him last time he most certainly did not "fall to pieces". He started on a highly aggressive, inexcusably abusive, and calculated plan to wear you down and get back to his cosy little number where he gets to do whatever the hell he wants while having someone around to blame for his failures and to clear up his messes.

It's good that you'll be speaking to Women's Aid. Your local police will also have a team who can help keep you safe if/when you decide to free yourself from this albatross around your neck.

All that drama and Histrionics the last time is more abuse, more manipulation. If he wants to drink himself to death, nothing you can do tbh.

If SS have already investigated you as a result of his lies, which I am willing to bet they are highly skilled at sussing out, they will ignore him totally and he'll be the one that comes off worse.

Al-Anon, Woman's Aid and the CAB please love, get informed, wise up and see what situation you are really in and see what you can do to lessen/solve it.

Op's posts are a quite remarkable example of someone in complete and utter denial

text-book stuff

would I stay?

fuck, no

and I wouldn't make excuses for a partner like this either, I would leave him standing

Crap...I've started to talk myself out of it again. Because I've become really really scared. I've just remembered that DP's father was a paranoid schizophrenic who wouldn't get treatment and his mother ran away in the middle of the night with her 3 children to another country to escape him. He was violent with her. DP has never been violent with me, nor shown any signs of being schizophrenic (accept when being paranoid on weed for a couple of years) but the fact is, a massively stressful event in someone's life can trigger schizophrenia in succeptable people can't it? So I'm scared now, really scared that DP will turn up one day having convinced himself that the answer to his problems is to stab us all to death. It wouldn't surprise me at all. would you REALLY HONESTLY want to risk that? Surely it's better for me to carry on as I am because at least me and the kids are alive and in no danger at the moment. Can you imagine up-rooting your life and moving away from your friends, your life, your home, taking your DC out of a school she adores and friends she adores and a life she adores, all because 'I'm not happy'. How will any of these organisations protect me from someone who's convinced themselves that their children and ex have to die??!!!

SuperAmoo

I am not going to tell you whether to stay or not - but if you do stay you have to confront the alcoholism - and it is absolutely obvious from your post that your DP has a drink problem. And if its not causing problems for the kids now it certainly will do when they get old.

You obviously can't make an alcohol choose to kick their addiction. You don't have that control. But you can go to Al-Anon yourself and get a support network that can allow you to decide how to move forward.

Super, I know it must be terrifying. But that's even more reason to leave. If you think that he might track you all down and kill you, then you can't be certain he wouldn't flip out and hurt you even if you stay.

There have been a number of cases in recent years where fathers flipped out and killed their families. In each case, the family was still together and living in the same house. You may think that staying with him and smiling all the time will protect you, but there is no guarantee.

Please, please talk to someone at Women's Aid. This is what they specialise in, getting women away from dangerous men. There are many systems in place to protect families in these circumstances.

To be clear -- I'm not saying you should walk out tomorrow, that sounds dangerous. But I think you should start to think about how you might get yourselves out of this situation, and talk to some people who can help.

You are still thinking that you would be leaving because 'you're not happy'.
I don't know what else we can say to you to make you realise that your partner is an abusive bully and you do your children no favours by staying with him.

Do you want your children to spend the next fifteen years having to be smily and perfect all the time or else Daddy will freak out and stab them? Because that's where you're headed.