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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AM I TOTALLY WRONG HERE...

88 replies

goal2goal · 03/05/2011 20:21

OK I am in shock at the moment. I just called my partner (who I have been with less than a year) who is currently on holiday visiting friends.

we was joking on text yesterday and i received a text saying "good news, I don't have to get married woohoo" now i thought this was some sort of joke about being abroad and getting people residency visa's (thai brides etc)

back to the present.

I asked him what the plan for the night what the plan for tonight was and he said to me he was studying. I asked him what his friends thought about him going there and studying all the time, i.e. why didn't he do it another time... when he said "well the thing is that stupid woman got her british citizenship and didn't bother to tell me last week so i don't have to be here"

this is when i realised he was serious.

He now is trying to tell me we had this conversation before cos his friend is being deported back to America and she has family in Europe so if she marries him and gains British Citizenship she can stay wherever she wants within the EU. I don't think this is a conversation that i would suddenly gain memory loss of having.

I have then sat here ... in shock... and calmly and collectively thought long and hard about things...

  1. He told me he was going Kitesurfing and made a big deal out of me help him find the equipment as a matter of urgency because he wanted it for when he went away... when i spoke to him he said he was never going away to kitesurf and he just wanted to buy it...
  1. when he booked this holiday we had split up for a week, we got back together and he told me he was visiting a friend and i asked if it was the woman who was ill (an ex that is terminally ill who he is still friends with) and he said "i don't want to talk about it, it will just cause an arguement" I told him i dont want to start an argument, if it is her i am glad you are going, she needs friends now.. i didn't get a response.
  1. the morning he was packing i noticed him pack suit trousers (he was going to a hot country) I asked him why he was packing trousers, shouldn't he be packing shorts and he said "its a bit cold over there at the minute"

Now with all that in mind... he is still trying to convince me he told me and that it doesn't matter now cos he didn't do it anyway.

either i am with a chromosomaly challenged person who somehow forgets to tell me these major choices or I am completely right and he has kept this from me on purpose OR I am severely paranoid.

this is sooo f*king bizarre that I dont know how to react or what to think. only this s*t would happen to me.

any advise... i think i need a large vodka.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 20:58

stay on MN when you wobble=wise move

notoriginal · 03/05/2011 21:02

OP he will probably try the begging, head twisting conversation, make you feel sorry for him and in the end make you believe YOU have wronged him and should make it up to him.

Please don't fall for it, take the advice, no contact is the only way to get rid of these people.

zippy539 · 03/05/2011 21:04

Anyone who causes you this much bizarre brain ache only one year in is only going to cause you a lot more in the future.

dearprudence · 03/05/2011 21:04

"overinvestment in the early stages, then wearing you down with lies and confusion...this bloke will up the ante if you cave in to his manipulation"

What AnyFucker said ^

Original poster
goal2goal · 03/05/2011 21:04

I have dumped him, but i still would like to understand what the fuck he was thinking? I am not a pushover and 9 times out of 10 I would say i bully him a bit. some would say I am over opinionated and I am not scared of who's feelings I hurt when I tell people how it is.

why would someone who wants someone to control go for someone like me~? surely they would go for the shy types? or am i some sort of challenge for people like HIM.

sorry if i sound a bit nuts or of-skew but my mind is doing laps and I am trying to work out what the fuck just happened.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 21:07

I predict a suicide attempt in about 2.5 days

"can't live without you..."

like fuck

AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 21:08

sorry, should have put " " around "attempt"

notoriginal · 03/05/2011 21:08

There really isn't a 'type' they go for. The reason you can't work him out is because he's not normal.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 21:09

yes, applying "normal" thought processes to fuck-ups like this is where women go so dreadfully wrong....

Original poster
goal2goal · 03/05/2011 21:10

lol @AnyFucker... i dunno about a suicide attempt...maybe a murder attempt.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 21:12

eh ?

murder who ??? Hmm

anyway, congratulations on reclaiming your life

you did the right thing, I promise you

get ready for the pathetic myriad ways in which he will try to wheedle his way back in

mark my words

notoriginal · 03/05/2011 21:13

Yes anyfucker the old classic suicide attempt and the painful sobs add such effect.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 21:14

notoriginal, is everything ok with you now ?

notoriginal · 03/05/2011 21:16

Well apart from the long process of recovery, yes thanks, ex twat is in the clink at the mo, 8 months of no contact, it's a long road but getting better every day.

HerHissyness · 03/05/2011 21:18

Ok, what ^ they said. All of them.

I will add a few things though. gobby caah that I am

and the worst thing is I love him. what the fuck do i do. - Love, you are in love with the idea of being in love with someone he has pretended to be.

He's a bit shit at it, cos he's outed/rumbled himself within a year. If he were a decent example of classic gaslighting prick, he'd have fooled you for a lot longer, perhaps you'd end up with kids by him too, and then you'd be tied to him somehow for life - THAT is seriously not good.

But as it is, he is a piss poor example of a classic gaslighting prick, don't get me wrong, he is still a classic gaslighting prick, but not clever enough to be very good at it. When he starts to lose control of you, then he'll probably snap and get nasty. He hasn't got brains in his arsenal apparently, so brawn may indeed step in. LUCKY ESCAPE

The other point I would like to make is that he is your boyfriend, NOT your partner, when you start bandying that word around it gives pricks like him, who have no investment in your feelings at all, some kind of legitimacy. He is your partner after you have made significant commitments to one another, moving in, spending years together, not months.

Did HE call the split that immediately preceded the holiday booking? I booked it to go off to a woman with the idea of marrying her, while we were 'on a break' How very Ross and Rachel. Hmm

sure it'll be hard to just brush this off, but you absolutely have to,he is a loon, and he will end up taking you down with him if you carry this on.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 21:24

all the best, NO x

Original poster
goal2goal · 03/05/2011 21:25

no actually, I called it off. I was pissed off with the amount of time he studied and called it off. he promised to spend more time with me and he did.... up until this.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 03/05/2011 21:26

cross posted: In answer to your question, why would he target me? why not someone shy?

I was a confident gobby feisty cow woman that had the world at her feet, loved, happy, popular and getting myself on my own two feet. why was I the draw to the abusive controlling X?

I was a challenge.

No fun in taming a mouse, better to tame a lion, or at least a cat with claws... Grin

When X left/was dumped at the airport, I was literally dizzy with the whirlwind of manipulative techniques he used on me to try and fuck with my head and get me back under his command, it was the most exhausting hour of my life. I was utterly confused, utterly clueless as to what had just happened. Only then, and I'd been with this guy for 10years, did I realise that he was not normal and that I would never, ever work him out.

Congratulations on doing what had to be done, Don't look back, don't give him another chance, please don't waste your life hoping for the glimpse of who he was, that was always a lie.

ShoutyHamster · 03/05/2011 21:27

Yes he is a loon. Don't try and 'work it out'. You'll drive yourself mad and it's pointless. He's a twisty-minded loon - all this is deliberate and designed to mess with your head, because that's his idea of fun. Or worse, his idea of an 'intense' relationship. Eurgh.

He is a nasty pastie. Move on as quick as your lovely legs will carry you. You've had a veerrrry lucky escape!!

Doha · 03/05/2011 21:28

Have you actually spoken to him on the phone to call it off or did you do it by text.
I ask because he might be thinking up some excuses just now if done by text.
Expect this NOT to be the end of things there is more to come from him l think.

AnyFucker · 03/05/2011 21:32

oh yes, there will be lots more to come

OP has to ignore it basically, because it will be utter bollocks

Original poster
goal2goal · 03/05/2011 21:35

by text... i dont trust myself to talk to him right now. not because he might convince me but because if he makes me angry i will make a couple of phonecalls i'll regret. he knows its over. if he wants reassurance he can get it when i have composed myself.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 03/05/2011 21:35

Shouty? what is a "nasty pastie"? Never heard that expression, where is it/are you from?

Is that a localism, or is your autocorrect on one? Grin

notoriginal · 03/05/2011 21:37

OP whatever you do, don't try to reason with him, it's not possible and it's how they get you. Stick to your facts, hang up and leave it at that. Good luck.

HerHissyness · 03/05/2011 21:40

Take your sim card out of the phone. put the battery at one end of your home and the phone at the other end. Stop and tell yourself not to engage with him.

I spent 10 years trying to reason with a man like this. only in that last hour did I realise that everything I'd tried had been in vain.