My teenage daughter has gone to live with my narcisstic X

[freedomatacost]

Hope u can help. After two years of hell going through Family Court, my fourteen year old daughter is now living full time with her father. He is violent and still succeeding in hurting me by brain washing our kids. The Court tried to keep her with me but when she was it was terrible and she kept going back to her dads. He has told her that I love my younger daughter (10) more than her (in fact it is he that wants the older daughter - who looks like him, and not the younger daughter). I feel I have let her down but her behaviour was so bad and I was getting ill. She won't talk to me what should I do?

I am so, so sorry

I really don't know what to suggest, other than make sure she knows the channels of communication are always open for her

that you will have her back, and she when gets fed up of being narcissisic supply to her father you will understand and wipe the slate clean

if she is a clever girl (and I bet she is) she will realise eventually

his true colours will out, they always, always do

all the best, love and hang in there x

when she not "she when"

Sadly my DD13yo, thinks her prick useless abusive/violent dad is the bees-knees

I fear im going to be in your position in the near future

I feel really sorry for you, Im sure your DD will wise up to him, and will come back to you.

I know that does not help with the pain your feeling right now, as a mum your in it for the long haul, Im sure she will see sense soon

Also poor your youngest DC

Oh freedom, I'm so sorry. :(

Like others have said, I'm sure your DD will soon become wise to him for what he really is & see sense. I know it's hard but all you can do if she won't talk to you is wait until she does & be there for her when she needs you.

Also, re your youngest DD, just be there for her too. Reassure her that DD1 will see sense & that you two will be there when she does.

Sending un-MN hugs.x

Let her go with your blessing. I bet you any money she is back before long with her tail between her legs (and all her dirty washing).

She will soon see his true colours and miss you like mad and realise the grass is certainly not always greener.

In the meantime, it will probably be nice for your younger daughter to have your attention rather than watching her mum and elder sister at each others throats.

Look on it as a temporary break for all of you that will be beneficial all round in the end.

My eldest did this with my narc/abv ex. Within days he had come to see me for a chat as he was disturbed that his dad could be happy and chatty one minute, then explode in a fit of rage the next, gave me a shiver down my spine, ds came home.

Please be strong you dd will see through it sooner or later.

Oh, you poor thing. Please hang in there and just keep letting her know that you are always there when she wants to come home. I bet she will. You haven't let her down. She'll understand one day soon.

I really do feel for you freedom, having been there myself - not exactly the same but pretty close (long and convoluted story). We're still suffering with it all tbh so I have no particular advice to give - only that it has been hard to find anything 'out there' that has been of any help to me/us in our particular shit family drama . I hope someone can come along with some concrete advice that we can both hold on to.

It may not be your thing but I pray a lot. Which, apart from anything, keeps me focused on the kids, keeps me from being swallowed up with the pain of it for myself iyswim? It is also a great comfort.

(hug)

My 14yo DD did the same in Feb, was really tough calling every day, kept all communication channels open, her behaviour deteriorated yet further when she came for weekends but after 2 months of being " a parent" ie even more consistent in enforcing reasonable boundaries she decided to move back.

Had lots of chats with my DSister who kept telling me to respond to her with all the civility I could...kept thinking if I worked with her how would I speak to her? Also went back to all the strategies I used when she was a toddler...so she's refusing to wear shoes...put some in my bag and have them ready for when her feet hurt. Minimise the conflict.

Will get her to read this....she's much much happier now she has made a real decision to live "at home"

And I totally feel for you...I was so scared as my relationship with exH had become so bad...but that is not the same as their relationship.

And I cried loads...and the awful guilt about how lovely it was to spend time with other DC and no upset.

(hugs)

Oh, thank you all so much for your advice and support. I felt no one would get it. The pain I feel from not having my daughter around and also that she has hurt me so much is almost unbearable. It is evil the way my ex has mainipulted her but it is still her doing it! It is like she has wiped away forteen years of love and care.

I know I should not have eventually said - "If you want to go to your fathers then just go!" - but I was at my wits end.
It has been all great advice but I think the best is - at any opportunity I get, to tell her I love her and that my door will always be open. She must know that I would not have fought for her at Family Court no matter what my ex is telling her. My fear is that he will try to take my younger daughter too for more "supply" but also to hurt me. Again thankyou all!

Agree with the others. Minimize the drama as much as possible so it doesn't feel like a big climbdown if/when she wants to come back to you. Make sure she knows she's welcome, but the decision is up to her.

The most important thing is that you don't take this as a rejection of you, it isn't. All children go through relationship challenges with their parents so just recognise it as this.

Be loving and reassuring to her, completely consistent in your boundaries and she will bounce back to you. Do you live close to her dad? Can you see her on a regular basis?

Again all of this is great advice. I have done things wrong but I was an emotional mess. I never begged my daughter to stay but pretty much tried every other emotional ploy. I also tried things like - praying, reading cards, going to see psychics, carrying lucky crystals and hitting the booze when none of this worked.

Now I am trying to empower myself. I am getting it together - studying, trying to get a job. One of the things my teenager said was that she did not want to be poor - I won't be once the family home is sold and I can get back into the workforce.
My girls both go to the same school and I try to catch the older one but she usually won't even stop walking when I talk to her.
I think NicknameTaken, u r right about the "climb down" but I think that there is more likely to be an incident with her father and she will beg me to come and get her (or am I deluding myself) it has nearly been two years.
I could have accepted the rejection if my daughter had been close to her father but she always said she hated him and if we ever split she would come with me. This is why it is so hard for me to understand - sorry to go on. Thanks again everyone u r all great!

My daughter (actually, kids) the same freedom - my ex is very wealthy, lives in central london; whereas we have struggled with poverty and general lack. I totally relate to feelings of shame/embarrassment about not being more 'successful' as teenagers can be very blunt and merciless in their judgments. I don'nt blame her for wanting a better life - teenagers are such tarts around money! - but there is also an element in her that wants to hurt me, and knows precisely how. Some teenage girls seem to go through a stage of a sort-of bid for the throne, a decisive attempt to compete with us, and win, knock us off our perch. That's why it's a full-time job to not take it personally because there is an element that is meant personally iyswim. Not entirely; some of it an inability/refusal to face their own pain and disquiet about the past, the difficulties we faced as a family etc. I guess my kids have seen who has come off better out of our (ex and my) many struggles and, as things stand, it is definitely him, hands down. That is, he is wealthy, happy, settled, can do what he likes when he likes. That is very attractive to a teenager and I really don't blame them - they don't see why they should be making a moral choice to prop up their mum - which, imo, is how they see it and from that perspective that's fair enough but they don't see the bigger picture, only themselves. It is painful for you and for your younger daughter and also as you well know not at all good for her to be living with him .

sorry the grammar isn't that good here but I hope you get the gist. Keep praying

Thanks for the advicen springydaffs, I know that money is a big attraction for teenagers but I am still very dissapointed she would turn her back on me for material gain, I believe there is more to it. I know I have to let the reigns down and keep hoping she will come back to me. I think u hit the nail on the head when u spoke about "the throne" but being Royal is not all its cracked up to be!

To TheSecondComing, the family has been going throuh Family Court for two years and it can do very little when it comes to teenagers as they vote with their feet. The Court Orders were for shared care but unless my ex agreed to this we just have to keep going back to Court. I have a bill of $35,000 to be paid when the family house is sold. I could not afford financially or emotionally to keep fighting. I now have majority care of my ten year old because it is more inforceable. She has now settled down.

I do not cause a scene at the school, if my daughter does not talk to me I back off. It is the only way I have of communicating and I know how important that is. My ex would filter any other correspondence.
I have tried on numerous times to get my ex to do what is best for the girls and for us to have a workable relationship. But he abused this several times. I do not want to talk about him and I am sure I am not supposed to discuss the case in to much detail but when it comes to control freaks he takes the first prize
Thanks again for your time.

Hello Freedom - gosh you could be me!

My daughter is 11 years old and went to live with her Dad last Oct after she refused to do her homework (and general bad behaviour) and I flipped and took her to live with him as he refused to help me discipline her. She's been there ever since.

They've just come back from a holiday in Hong Kong (with his girlfriend and her daughter). Our daughter appeared to miss me lots and contacted me every day. Despite this she still stays living at his house.

The intervening months have been incredibly difficult. I swing from abject despair to enjoying my time without her. I feel such a failure and totally at a loss as to what to do and how to cope.

If I have any advice, it would be to come on Mumsnet to vent or ask for help when you need to. Try to keep busy and think of things to do that will make you happy. I'm not sure what's the best approach to take with your daughter - I've yet to find the answer. I just try to keep the lines of communication open despite feeling that it would be so much easier to get used to living without her. I do think that she is starting to come round. I'm coming to accept that she may well stay living with him and that I need to just get on with things.

Take care. It isn't easy but keep your chin up x

Great post wirral

When my mom and dad split up, back when i was 13, my dad + gf brain washed me into wanting to live with them. I gave my mom hell until my dad finally took me to a police station, made them ring my mom ( unknown to me at the time telling them she was violent etc ) an practically told her if she wanted to say bye she had better get to the police station. We then moved 90 miles from my home, an after a few weeks the pretend niceness an the novelty wore off by which time i hated it and wanted to go home. I stayed for a year before saying i wanted to go back to my mom, who by this time was in the process of going to court to get me back and had already got me a place back in my old school. It took me a while to realise my mom only wanted the best for me and my dad just wanted to hurt my mom, its one of the biggest regrets i have, i couldnt imagine my DS saying he wanted to live with someone else.
Try and give her some space and time to make her mind up, hopefull she'll come back home x

Thxs wirral, I know what u mean about it being easier without her, when I said she should go to her fathers, it was like a load had been lifted. But she lives with him doing very little, playing violent video and x-box games. She has become his new partner in every thing but sex. Some of my friends say that he was only violent towards me and he has a different relationship towards my daughter. I used to believe that he would not be able to control himself but it has been nearly two years and she is still with him. I feel sorry for her and worry about every aspect of her life.

Thxs vixy0007, it meant so much to here it from the "childs" point of view who had been through it all. U have given me great hope. I am so sorry that u were used in this way and please give your mum a hug from me!

"She has become his new partner in every thing but sex. "

That is very worrying - narcs have no boundaries whatsoever and will use anyone and anything to get what they want: nothing and nobody is out of bounds. YOur ex may not be physically abusing her but their relationship is deeply unhealthy for her if it is as you describe. If you have any evidence at all that their relationship is emotionally incestuous, please see what you can do about that legally/officially, what steps you can take. I assume you are in the states and don't know how you would go about it there. If she is under his spell, her behaviour will be appalling - is there any evidence at all of the real 'her' ie the little girl you brought up? ie do you catch a glimpse of her every now and then. Sometimes I have to use my daughter's name to sort of call to her real self, for the real her to come out, not the monster she is at present. I calmly use her name and for a moment I get a glimpse of the girl I know and love. (NOt that she talks to me often - in fact, very rarely )

Hmm gosh this is incredibly familiar. I do actually think that my ex is a good bloke if not misguided. I find his relationship with our daughter to be like his new partner. He seems to involve her in everything even to the detriment of his relationship with his girlfriend. Our daughter's behaviour is becoming appalling (just within the home, She is fine at school). She destroys things and and throws the most incredible tantrums - some of them directed at her Dad and some towards me. He blames me for 5 years of bad parenting - Springydaffs post has given me food for thought.

Vixy007's post has also given me an interesting perspective. I too feel my ex is punishing me but am lost as to why. Part of me thinks that it is admirable that he still wants to see our daughter but I find it difficult to understand why she is encouraged to view me with such disdain.

Sorry for hijacking this thread Freedom. I suspect it is early days for you at the moment and I am sure your feelings will be swaying one way to the other. Mine still do. Just try not to do or say anything that you regret. At the end of the day remember YOU are her Mum and I am sure that she will need you one day (if not soon)

Am thinking of you. Isn't it amazing that people have had the same experience? When this happened to me I felt so isolated but have had such support from people on this forum

x

Springydaffs, can you talk a bit more about emotional incest - what is it, and what kind of evidence might you expect?