My teenage daughter has gone to live with my narcisstic X

[freedomatacost]

Hope u can help. After two years of hell going through Family Court, my fourteen year old daughter is now living full time with her father. He is violent and still succeeding in hurting me by brain washing our kids. The Court tried to keep her with me but when she was it was terrible and she kept going back to her dads. He has told her that I love my younger daughter (10) more than her (in fact it is he that wants the older daughter - who looks like him, and not the younger daughter). I feel I have let her down but her behaviour was so bad and I was getting ill. She won't talk to me what should I do?

I just found out Sunday night (from her un-blocked) facebook page that she is now calling his girlfriend "mom" I was devastated!!! I don't think I can be more broken hearted than that. She finally finished me off and completely replaced me. The toughest part is trying to forget and move on with my life right now. I can't keep being torn apart by a child that is my own blood. I can't figure out how she could do such a thing to me. He never wanted anything to do with her, never was the affectionate father to her and he is allowing my child to call another woman "Mom". It was always me and now my daughter has finished me off with giving MY TITLE to someone that was never there in the beginning and raised that little girl. I don't know who this child is anymore.

Oh Siybear.... that must have been so hard..... this is so easy to say but it is just a word, you ARE her true mum and no matter what nobody can change that....not even your daughter.... However it has made me think, my stepkids have me listed as mum on their facebook, they never ever call me mum but there is not an option for "stepmum" so i guess to them its the closest thing. At times others refer to me as their mum, people who just dont know any better and we dont bother to correct it anymore as its so long winded. Also their mum is not on facebook so maybe its not a problem. Also they live with her and just stay every other weekend with us etc... I had never given this a second thought before. My stepdaughter got me a mothers day card this year as well (never heard a thing from my own flesh and blood). I guess what im trying to say is i may care in a physical sense for her like a mum but i never feel like one to her, dont get me wrong i do love her but i feel more like an aunt or good buddy or (much older) big sister. Certainly not like a replacement mum so maybe its just as innocent as that.... they really dont think at this age i suspect if she is anyhting like my little pain in the heart its just pure thoughtlessness and not an attempt by her to hurt you directly... I hope this helps x

I can't quite believe I'm reading this. I can't imagine what you are going through. It is clear that she is being manipulated and by her father. He is taking advantage of a vulnerable person and that is a form of abuse. I've seen some pretty nasty parental disputes in my time but the truth comes out in the end. One day your daughter will understand what has happened to her. Her father is using her to abuse you - it doesn't get much lower than that. I'm not sure about the significance of the facebook thing, it may just be a thoughtless detail. I think if I was in your position I would do everything I could to empower my daughter to recognise the abuse she is experiencing so she can understand and deal with it.

Sadbuttrue1-It was and is very hard to handle. Since this new girl-friend came along I have been slowly pushed out. My daughter and I would go get our nails done together and this new chick started taking her to get them done, my daughter stopped telling me about school functions so that I wouldn't attend. Before she moved over there I was suppose to call his phone if I wanted to talk to her and most of the time my daughter would rush me off the phone but mostly my calls were ignored. My daughter started calling her "step-mom" after him and his girl-friend had only been together 8 months. I corrected her then because for one that hadn't been together for very long and two they weren't even married yet.

BarbieGrows-My ex is doing this mostly because I did not want him back and the most painfull way he could hurt me is by taking my daughter from me, he has accomplished that. I know he is manipulating her but his thoughtless-ness of letting this chick replace me is just un-believable, but not surprising from him!

His girlfriend has over-stepped her grounds on multiple occasions. The first was buying her make-up! I called and told my ex that it was very in-appropriate for her to do such a thing. I explained that buying make-up for the first time was something a mother does with her daughter and I explained it in a way that he could understand by saying that if we had a son and my boyfriend took him and bought him his first gun he would be highly upset. He said that he understood but I believe that was just to get me off the phone.

I don't talk to my ex at all so I know nothing of what my daughter is doing, even though in our parenting plan it states that I should be notified of her school events but she started running track and playing basketball and I was not told of any of it nor was I invited to any of the meets or games.

I can't push my daughter to talk to me otherwise I know she will just pull further away (if that's even remotely possible) All I can do is stand by and wait to see if she ever knocks on my door. I have made many attempts of getting her to talk to me or call me but she does not. I gave up on trying and just hope that maybe she will think that I have just moved on with-out her and she will contact me. I know teens will be teens but I never expected my own child to do something like this to me. I know that it's not just her but I thought that I had taught my daughter enough about love that she would not do this to me.

Ever since my daughter was three I wanted another child, (thank you lord I didn't have another with my ex) I am 34 years old and people have told me not to start all over again but I fight internally with the stretch marks that I got from my daughter, I have them for a reason and that reason wants nothing to do with me so it hurts to have them and remember why. I don't want to think that I would be replacing her but she has replaced me so it's hard to not want another child that I can give the motherly love to that I still have. I was robbed of being a mother and I was not done being one.

slybear I have had exactly the same thing - the 'stepmother' has caused as much trouble as the ex (though tbh i think she has been the ex's puppet) but I think you may be losing track of what is going on here and taking this personally. Your daughter is up to her neck in the abuse from ex - as you were once, but you are an adult and you know the harm it did to you, she is still a child and he has his claws into her (and his girlfriend by the sound of it). I know the pain of it, how agonising it is, i know how hard it is to not blame your daughter, to not feel mortally wounded and offended at her selfishness and cruelty - I really do know that - but she is not herself, as you weren't when you were in ex's clutches! he is using her to wound you - we know that narcs will use anyone to get their way, to hurt and harm to the max. you say you have taught her about love and that will bear fruit at some stage, you have to believe that. NObody every forgets their mother, for good or ill - she has a profound effect on our lives - same with your daughter and with mine. this isn't about us, it's about our daughters.

I have also thought of having/getting a new family and if you are child-bearing age then definitely have more children if you can. i'm not sure what you mean about stretchmarks - most of us have physical wounds from having children? you can't be in a position where all your hope, your life, is bound up with your estranged daughter, you have to carry on living. I know it's hard - I'm on autopilot a lot of the time if I'm not careful - but you can't be a shell when she comes back, you have to take your life and live it, or you will have let him destroy you all over again.

My ex has persuaded two of our children to live with him. The elder one left 5 years ago and never came back and lives there still. The youngest 16 left this week end. He was in his final year at school and will now miss all his GCSE. We have had very little contact as he refuses to answere the phone to me. I had no idea he was so unhappy. One of the thing he did say was that I never listen. He used to talk none stop and I did tune him out but mostly what he was say was "will you get for me" and "I want". He never talked about having any big problems. His dad has never paid a penny in maintenace or for anything. I pay the mobile phone contract. So I read about keeping the lines of communication open. But if he won't talk to me anyway should I just end the contract?

I know this is an old thread but I wondered what the outcomes were? I'm going through similar with my 16 year old and would have loved to shared advice. I hope your situations have resolved now x