Anyone got any experience of being in an Open marriage?

[chamenage]

I've name changed for this as my sister is on here and knows my user name and I'd rather not have this as a subject for discussion over sunday lunch.

Okay, so in a nutshell - DH has only ever been with me and we've been together for 16 years. He wants to have sex with other people but doesn't want to sneak around and cheat on me behind my back. He says he'd never leave me for anyone else. We're talking about him seeing other people for a year. I'm not thrilled about the idea but I don't own him and just want him to be totally happy and I'd rather know about it than have him lie to me.

I know that I'm going to get "Are you mad?" "There's something deeply wrong with your marriage" type responses but I wouldn't be considering it for a second if I didn't think we were rock solid.

The conditions I've put down are that he's to be discreet and not to get involved emotionally with anyone else and to be safe obviously. He said that I can see other people too but I'm not interested in anyone else and I can't be arsed.

Anyone else given this a whirl and have any advice?

The only couple I've ever known for whom this arrangement has worked was when both partners went into the relationship knowing it would be open, for both of them, from the start.

I've known a couple of other relationships where one partner has suggested such a thing part-way through the relationship. In both cases I think it became pretty obvious, pretty quickly, that it was actually just to make it easier to maintain an existing, secret affair.

Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

I heard of a couple where one partner suggested an open marriage.
The other said "yes, sure. The door's open. Now fuck off"

Seriously though, you say you are not thrilled with the idea. Don't agree to it if you don't want to.

BUT If you don't mind that much and he is really into it, ( and fair enought from his POV) give it a go. Agree in advance if the reality is horrid for you , he won't continue

So let me get this straight- your husband started your marriage by promising he wouldn't shag anybody else, but now he wants to move the goalposts, but is holding you to ransom and trying to appear ethical? Have I got that right?

I have some experience of this but dont want to go into too much detail , but will say in my limited experience this was suggested when there was already an affair with considerable emotional attatchemnt already taking place and they wanted to partly be honest about it .

You say your not thrilled about it , why are you thinking about doing it ? You say you are rock solid , but people in rock solid marriages dont ask for permission to have sex with others . They just dont , because they dont want to . Theres various things to think about here , and i think you should consider them all carefully .

Firstly , safety . Condoms can break , its not unusual . Even with a condom you are not protected against things like herpes / genital warts or pubic lice . Secondly ,and this is important , he seems pretty confident that there will be women wanting to jump into bed with him . Who are they / she ? Is he going to tell them hes married , or that hes just using them ? Who are these women who will happily get involved in a situation like this ? Where will he be having sex with them , your place or theirs ? What if they are married too ?
I think the answers to some of this might be quite telling .

There is of course the risk of emotional involvement . I find it even more suspicious that hes saying its ok for you to do the same . What if you become emotionally attatched to someone and decided to end your marriage ? He is obviously willing to risk that for a cheap shag but im sorry , but to me it sounds like hes emotionally checked out of your marriage and is involved with somebody else .

Ive nothing against open marriages , i know they work for some people , but only where everyone has agreed beforehand . In your position i would not be discussing an open marriage , i would be discussing affairs because i think it highly likeley that he is already having one , and either one of them , or both of them are feeling guilty , and this is an attempt to ease that guilt .

I can understand that only ever having sex with one person, you could both think that you are missing out, were you very young when you got together? However I could not and would not sit by and know that dp was out there shagging people, I imagine the chances of no emotions being involved is about erm 0.1%.

When I think of successful open marriages I think of people who are sexually experienced/very mature and can compartmentalise relationships, open minded very liberal types. I could be wrong mind, that's just the impression I get.

If he really wants to shag others then I'm afraid I would be separating from him. Fair enough if he wanted to come back to you in a year or whatever, no guarantee you wouldn't have "moved on without him" though. I think it depends how strongly he feels about this, if you say no and he is happy to accept that and carry on, or he is desperately wanting to spread his wings. If he is insistent, he needs to know that he is risking his marriage basically.

I commend him for being honest, however I think it would change your relationship forever, end it probably.

He is asking/doing this safe in the knowledge that you will not have sex with anyone else: you will be the loyal wife sitting home whilst he us out having sex with others.

He will get emotionally involved with whomever he has sex with: whether as friends with benefits or a full on new relationship.

No way. He WILL end up emotionally attatched. I won't go into my experience with it all but will say never, ever again.

Don't fall for this bullshit 'I don't want to cheat on you' stuff either - tell him its faithful and monogamous, work on anything that needs working on, etc or hideous divorce, his choice.

I meant to add Op , that you need to think about the long term affects of this happening even once . Long term married sex is very differant to one night stands or casual encounters . How do you think the two will compare ?

I think to establish whats actually going on here i would do the following . I would say that youve been researching it on the net and actually , youve changed your mind , youd quite like a bit of cock yourself .Id say you think the best way is that you find a reputable club that caters for this , and that you will both attend , have fun , and that any sexual activitys will be limited to the club , with like minded people .

I would then watch his reaction carefully . If he objects or finds reasons why that wont work , you can rest assured that he doesnt want to have sex with other people , he wants to have sex with a certain someone.

An Open Sexual Relationship MUST be based on honesty and true mutual respect.

You would not be starting from this basis, therefore you need to get to the point where you really do accept (and embrace) an openly sexual marriage, or knock the suggestion on it's head and tell your husband "absolutely ^
not,

Hmm. It sounds understandable at first look but I don't think it's going to work for you two. The most obvious problem, to me, is that having no experience of 'social' sex, he's extremely likely to get emotionally involved.

Also, there's the imbalance - he wants to shag other people, you don't (and aren't too keen on his proposal.) The things is fraught with dangers. I must confess I'm a bit sceptical about his motives, too, but let's give him the benefit of the doubt.

If you want to give it your best shot, I think Diggs's suggestion of joining a swingers club is the best one. Failing that, what Ducky said - say okay, but we're seaparated.

Tbh, if you're not comfortable with either of those ideas you should not even contemplate agreeing to what he's asked for.

sounds like a loveless partnership.selfish pig.get rid of him.

how would it help joining a swingers club.u put ur keys in a circle and dont even know who. u would be having sex with.u never know wot u might get from swingers some decease or other..

chamenage - go out and shag somebody else, tell your hub about it and how much you enjoyed it then see what he thinks about open marriages

OP
i don't have direct experience but a friend of mine (male) was in a long term open relationship.
things were 'fine' except each time she got herself in a mess with other blokes she told him about it instead of being discreet (and she wasn't too careful health-wise either, despite the agreement).

they then went on to have children and their relationship fell apart. they hate each other now.

FTIW i think he's a selfish pig who's probably already at it. Sorry.

Im with bbird1 .....

think your Dh may change view if you did same , and you were well up for it -- wonder if hes considered if you did agree and you liked it, you could poss became attached to someone ... may make him question what hes started and his performance with you ....

think he wants his cake and eat it personally .

lots to consider , look after your feeling s to , not just think of what he wants .
good luck

tbh he took his vows he should take them seriously

What does he think he is missing by not having sex with others?

First woman - You put your knob in, move it up and down, cum, job done.

Next woman - You put your knob in, move it up and down, cum, job done.

Next woman - I think you get the hint.

Between your husband and yourself you can be as experimental as between him and any other woman. In the end there is no difference and you he is not actually missing anything.

How many different woman is he allowed sex with? Each one increases the risks of you catching an STI. Will he and the women agree to both have complete STI checks before they start?

You may think you want this but how will you feel when you next get into bed with him.

If he tries something new he has learned from another woman. How much younger, fitter, tighter, more flexible than you is she? Did he kiss her the same way? Touch her the same way? When did he last shag her? Can you still smell her on him? Is his knob crusty from her?

Do you have children? Will they be introduced to 'Aunty Shag Buddy' as she leaves in the morning? Or as she comes down to breakfast? Will it be in you bed? Who will wash the sheets after?

What will you do when he prefers one of them to you and wants to leave? If he hasn't already got one/two/three lined up where is he going to find them?

How did he approach this with you? I think as with a few others there is someone waiting in the wings and this is his way of having an extra marital affair with little wifey offered the sames chances because he know you wont.

chamenage - no-one can promise that they won't get emotionally involved. Or, rather, they can, but they cannot make provision for what the heart does or does not feel. That is your weak link there, in a nutshell.

An open marriage where you are free to get emotionally involved? That's much more realistic, but a lot more difficult to handle.

Agree with Diggs, and also with Xales re. reality of 'no-strings sex'. Both bring me to the conclusion that you are not 'rock solid' at all AT ALL.

He is willing to risk everything that you have together for a bit of what will be agreed at the start to be no more than a bit of body rubbing. Something in fact that he is not missing at all.

Doesn't compute really.

Apart from the very obvious fact that as soon as this starts there will be other people involved whose reactions and feelings you CAN'T control, I think you will find out very quickly that it isn't a bit of body rubbing he feels he's missing out on, but the whole experience of being with someone new. That's what's going to catch you both out even if he is genuine in what he says right now.

Ask him to be honest with himself. What, he is actually daydreaming of what another vagina might feel like? Does he honestly think it's going to be any different at all?

No. He wants to be with someone new and have the excitement of that. The main part of that isn't sex, it's flirtation, making a connection, feeling different about yourself.

If he really wants that with someone else then you aren't rock solid. Suggest a swinger's club maybe - strictly no-connection sweat and flesh only - if he balks, then that might be your answer.

Or he could already be having an affair... lots of pople who think they're rock solid get a shock along those lines, sadly. I hope not for you. I also hope you think a lot harder about every possible ramification of this, because there won't be any going back.

Oh dear, I have had experience of this, I have had this conversation with my ex.
He wanted an open marriage I agree because I suppose I knew I wanted out of the marriage anyway so takes the pressure off me iyswim.
But after a while, he 'accused' me of haviing an affair, he was outraged and was so nasty. I wasn't having an affair at all, he was and still is as far as I know.

Op it is an excuse to get out of your marriage I think. Very sorry but but you need to explore more why he's rejecting you and everything you have.

You say no emotional involvement but life doesn't work like that, you can't help the people you fall for, and he will be seeing people who interest him, whom he is attracted too.

He will get emotionally involved and in the end your marriage will end and you will be the loser and he will be off with someone else.

Sorry but I don't think it will work.

I knew a couple a long time ago who had an open relationship.
She agreed so that she could keep him as he was a serial shagged. So she said it was fine as long as she was there.
So after many years of this, and her being hurt every time, she got pregnant. They got married, him not that keen on a child or getting married and she made him promise that all that was behind them

Having had a free reign to do as he pleased he just carried on,
shagging the au pair, various new friends of hers. Then she went a bit
nuts, she disappeared off to London and it was very messy.

They're divorced now, hate each other, and she wishes shed never agreed in the beginning.

You see you can't stop someone falling for your husband can you. Then you've got someone who you're both responsible for in some ways as you just wanted him to use her

Oh this sounds a horrible situation to be on - you have to SERIOUSLY enlightened to cope with this.

I only know one long tern couple who do this and they got together on this basis - they have no children - weird but works for them.

Agreeing with everyone else here that this is a cake and eat situation - please do not allow this to happen.

Personally I have hung about the fetish and swinging scenes and my experience of a lot of 'swinging' couples is that one partner is pushing for it and the other gets pulled along being in fear of losing that person. Funnily enough I never saw this on the fetish scene - it seemed so much more consensual.

The bottom line is if you are not 150% happy with this then you should not be considering it - if there is no emotional attachment then what the fuck is the point - sex is sex is sex. I wonder if there is something particular sexually he is looking to fulfil otherwise it is just wanking in company.

Put your foot down and show him the door - sounds as if you are being held to ransom.

Urgh, difficult one. You obviously love him and are agreeing to this because if you say no, the likelihood is that he will not be happy and your marriage will eventually end.

I think you have to guess whether this will save your marriage or not. If it is 'just a year' and then he thanks you for allowing it, loves you even more and you live happily ever after, then of course you should go for it.

Unfortunately even writing that, it seems so unlikely that he will be content with a year of playing away (which is what it is btw, don't start thinking of it as an open marriage to legitimise it). It's far, far more likely that he will launch an affair and fall for someone else, and end up leaving you anyway

If I were you, I'd rather let the marriage end now with my head held high. If he genuinely needs to shag around and can't be satisfied with his current life, a year of shagging around will not be enough and your self-esteem will be in tatters.

What would happen if you said no? Please don't feel you have to agree to this.