Anyone got any experience of being in an Open marriage?

[chamenage]

I've name changed for this as my sister is on here and knows my user name and I'd rather not have this as a subject for discussion over sunday lunch.

Okay, so in a nutshell - DH has only ever been with me and we've been together for 16 years. He wants to have sex with other people but doesn't want to sneak around and cheat on me behind my back. He says he'd never leave me for anyone else. We're talking about him seeing other people for a year. I'm not thrilled about the idea but I don't own him and just want him to be totally happy and I'd rather know about it than have him lie to me.

I know that I'm going to get "Are you mad?" "There's something deeply wrong with your marriage" type responses but I wouldn't be considering it for a second if I didn't think we were rock solid.

The conditions I've put down are that he's to be discreet and not to get involved emotionally with anyone else and to be safe obviously. He said that I can see other people too but I'm not interested in anyone else and I can't be arsed.

Anyone else given this a whirl and have any advice?

Do you really think you can handle it? Could you sit at home knowing he was having sex with someone else? Tolerate him coming home with a post-coital glow? Be civil at that point? Because if you could, you're a better woman than me.

Goodegg's advice is spot on: leave the marriage now, with dignity.
I speak from experience.

What is your sex life like with your DH? Does he have a higher sex drive than you and/or is he interested in exploring a particular fetish that you aren't into?

If these are issues for you, then I can sort of see why he has asked you (assuming, of course, that he isn't already seeing someone else) - but I would still be very, very wary about agreeing to this.

I've known two couples ( one couple very well ) where the man was having an affair with the same woman for years - the wives seemed more than happy with the situation and to the outside world everything seemed hunky-dory, certainly whenever I met them they all seemed happy enough.

It really depends on your attitude to the situation and whether you're both ok and agreeable.

Consider this too Op .

Once somebody else is involved , its no longer between the two of you , it has the potential to become public knowledge .Do you really want to bank on the morality of a woman who sleeps with married men to keep her mouth shut ? Do you really want to be that couple that people are talking about , especially if you have dcs ?

A few summers ago there was an almight racket up the street , people shouting ect . Everyone went out to investigate . The people up the road were screaming and shouting , it soon became clear why . They had an arrangement similar to the one your suggesting and things had got out of hand . A woman was stood in the street waving something around . They were photos and she was threatening to post them through everyones letterbox.

The goss was that she had become obsessed with him and upset when he wouldnt leave his wife , anyway it was all very ugly and the police became involved due to these photos . Idle gossip for us but devastating for their family . Consider also that in the event of a divorce , all this seediness will come out . Do you really want to be discussing this in a soliciters office , or reading about it in official paperwork ?

If he's just interested in more sexual experience then suggest a swinging and/or fetish club (if there's is some fetish he has that you don't share). Also insist on complete honesty about everything from the start. Tbh, if he's got someone in mind then that would be complete no for me, as it would not be about sex. Are you confident that if it began and you weren't happy, then he would stop?

My mum and dad had an open marriage for 10 years...it started off my mum cheated (ons), felt guilty and confessed to dad who seemed to get a kick out of it...he said he didn't have a problem with it and said he wasn't gonna go with another woman (which I know he never did).
Mum thought it was a fantastic life and I can honestly say as kids we never had a clue and I was a very astute child! The one person she told was worried she may fall for someone but mum assured her she wouldn't as she was getting everything she wanted.
She fell for my step dad in 2002 and they've been together since.
So you can never be sure that this wouldn't happen!

Thanks everyone.

It's raised quite a few questions that I hadn't thought of which we're going to go through later.

He's not having an affair already and doesn't have anyone in mind. He's fine with the club suggestion and would be more than happy for me to go with him. He would be completely honest with whoever from the outset about the fact that he's married and is staying married. If I change my mind at any time he will stop. I know it's hard to believe but we are solid. If I said "absolutely not" he wouldn't do it but I know he'd always be wondering.

He does have a higher sex drive than me. We generally have sex about 3 to 4 times a week, sometimes more and sometimes less, but he'd be happy to do it more. We are fairly experimental together and there's not much we haven't tried so it's not that there is something that he could only do with someone else.

Thanks Diggs, you raised some really good points especially the 'it becoming public knowledge' one!

Shagging around for the boden generation!

When will he know he has done enough experimenting and you will become his priority? What if he decides he wants to do this again in the future when your relationship may be in a bit of a lull as long term partnerships often fluctuate in intensity sexually and otherwise? You might be certain that he is not having an affair but from personal knowledge of a similar situation he most definitely has someone in mind. How will he select these potential shags? Most sex starts with at least liking someone and therein the problem lies

How could anyone be happy in the knowledge that their lover is saying that they are not completely satisfied sexually and wish to have sex elsewhere? - That's all it really boils down to.
16 years is nothing, if my DH felt like that now, after double those years, I would show him the door - he can have me, and only me, or he can fuck right off.
Does he realise that he would be destroying something really precious? A lifetime of fidelity to each other is worth more than a few random shags, surely? Doesn't the fact that he's only ever had sex with you seem special to him at all?
Your marriage would be forever tainted by this, especially as you don't seem to share his wish and would shag around too.
Have you asked him why you aren't enough for him?

Mal I don't think it's helpful to suggest that the OP isn't "enough" for her H, because in many cases (and this one, I suspect) it is not about that. What I think your H is saying OP is that he has a perceived need that you simply cannot meet - the need for someone new. It doesn't mean you, or your sex life is deficient in any way. I think it's far more helpful to think of it in these terms, because truly, you are not responsible for this need emerging - and you cannot be "new" and it is therefore out of your control to meet it.

If however you don't have this need yourself and are trying to apply logic to this situation - an internal dialogue that goes along the lines of "at least he's being honest; at least I can always be there; at least he's not going to have an affair" that all sounds fine in theory, but if you are a monogamous person who would be hurt by your H being intimate with someone else, then think very carefully whether you want to put yourself through this.

As ever, the unknown variables in this situation present the greatest threats; the risk of emotions intruding - his, hers, yours. That might be lessened at a club where everyone knows the rules of engagement, but it's still not guaranteed. And however liberal and certain you might feel about this before it happens, your own emotions when it comes to it might surprise and shock you in their intensity.

That said, I have absolutely no personal experience of this, good or bad. I have heard anecdotal stories about acquaintances of friends and colleagues and I have never heard of an open relationship that is pursued with equal vigour by both partners. Usually, it is a story like yours - one partner wants to change the relationship and the other doesn't. Consequently, the power shift that occurs tends to cause other problems in the relationship and it doesn't end well.

I agree with Maliflcence ...

why had he decided to suggest this ? whats happened to make him even think of this , if you are solid and sexually content why is he wanting more ...

i find it very strange and would be horrified if my DH suggested anything like this , and would seriously question it ...oh and show him the door ...

hope you can talk this through and get the right choice for you both .

Im struggling to get my head round all of this. I mean, if you are not going to be faithful to each other then what's the fucking point of being together? Why keep coming back to each other after you've gone and had your various shags? What happens? Do you both go off and shag somebody else then come back and sit and read the paper/watch telly/go shopping etc together? Why not just SPLIT UP ffs?
Honestly, it's just pathetic. Face facts Chamenage - he is just testing the water, seeing if the grass really is greener from the safe sanctuary of his marriage. What a cunt, and you really are daft for putting up with such a disingenuous wanker.

So because he would tell other women that he's married and is staying married you think that would stop him from becoming emotionally attached??? If he enjoys himself the first time, he'll want to see her agan. I think that you are both very naive.

Don't do it if you're not happy. Sounds like he's already done something anyway. This will end in disaster.

The other point to consider is what will happen if the ow gets pregnant.
Will he then want to be with her? At the very least he will have to pay support which will have an immediate affect on your day to day life.
And it could then all come out in the open. Could you and your dc manage that?

Once you take the lid off this can of worms you will never be able to put it back on again.

Have you allowed yourself to imagine how you will feel seeing your H having sex with another woman (in the swingers club scenario) or lying next to him in bed knowing only hours before he was balls deep in another woman?

If I imagine DP having sex with someone else I get all hot and angry and jealous and upset. And it's not even real! Why would you want to put yourself through that?

And why would you suggest going to a swingers club and potentially sleeping with a random stranger yourself when you are happy to be monogamous? If it's not something you would countenance in spite of his needs, then you shouldn't feel like you have to do it.

I agree its about something new , which the op cant be .

The thing is though , when you get married , you know theyll be no one new . And id say most married people often wonder what sex with someone else would be like so his wondering is normal , and its ok for him to carry on wondering too , he wont necessarily be unhappy , he,ll just be like everyone else .

I would still urge caution op and i would still examine it from every possible angle . He might not be having an affair , but once youve agreed to sex with others , even if youve put certain conditions on it , hes removed quite a barrier hasnt he . Sex with someone at the office might be seen to him as only a small deviation from the agreement , after all youve given your blessing technicly .

Regardless of the sexual side of stuff , i would urge you to explore carefully why you are willing to put his happiness before your own . You say you are not thrilled with the prospect , which im presuming hes aware of . He should NOT be happy to do something you are not thrilled with .

Turn this on its head op .For whatever reason hes now ok with you having sex with others , but that wasnt always the case. What if say 10 years ago you had stated you wanted to have a year having sex with other people ? What would his reaction have been ? And would you have selfishly gone ahead with it if you knew he wasnt thrilled ?

OK... I'm probably going to get a kicking here, but it doesn't have to be all doom and gloom... and it doesn't necessarily mean that there is something missing from your relationship, although of course it could do...

As no one on here knows me I can admit that I am in an open marriage that (as far as I am aware) works well and is very strong. What it does take (from our perspective), is a lot (repeat, a lot) of talking, a lot of emotional trust and honesty, other half of the partnership should always have the ability to stop anything they are uncomfortable with and should always be the priority.

I disagree with the people who say emotions are always involved - the situations can be limited to ONS, or parties as people have mentioned (although the latter do tend to live up to the stereotypical surburban horrors...).

I agree with the questions around the one year limit - that seems arbitrary and potentially unlikely - there is an element of Pandora's box about these situations. Also it would seem there is less enthusiasm from your side - do not let yourself feel pressured in any way to do anything that you are uncomfortable with...

And for those who may wonder, my DW is by far and away the more 'successful' within our situation, so it is not always a case of male pressure or coercion.

Hoping for SGB to give me at least some support!
All the best.

You wont get a kicking Mr , if it works for you and your wife then its no one elses business . I was going to mention the potential success thing , i wonder if the ops H is aware of that or if he thinks there will be women queing up to have sex with him .

In my experience some older men think theyre going to go to these clubs and have 20 somethings climbing all over them . As always its a womans perogative and its her that chooses . Some people will only swap with other couples and seeing as your not into it that cancels that out . He might not find the other women very attractive , and depending on his age and general apearance women might not find him very attractive .

If you dont mind saying Mr , what would you say your success rate is compared to your wifes ? Despite my ex being very keen he had ZERO success , and he tried everything from clubs , to adverts on those sort of sites and even resorted to dogging which only resulted in the police being interested in him .

TSC/Diggs
Don't want to take over the thread, but in answer to your questions:

• I always knew my wife was bisexual and never had an issue with that - ultimately it seemed a little illogical to draw the line at one and not the other, so it was definitely something that was discussed early on. Am also clear that if one or the other of us said stop, we would - there may be an element of missing the newness/excitement, but it certainly would be nowhere near sufficient to risk what is a wonderful relationship.
• As for success, these things tend to be spontaneous rather than planned - ie if out in the evening and there is someone who may be of interest, then we'll see how it goes. If you're talking percentages I'd say 90% her, 10% me! But again, don't want it to sound as if it's particularly regular either, we're probably talking twice a year max... Apologies OP.

The part of your post that is probably quite pertinent is: "DH has only ever been with me." I would imagine that it is not an particularly uncommon scenario for one or other of a couple to feel they have missed out on other sexual relationships if they married young/had no previous sexual partners. It is true that there are risks attached with what your partner is suggesting, but then again there are risks attached to any relationship. There are no guarantees as to the future of this or any other marriage. Also, you do not have to 'swing' or even have sex with anyone to fall for someone else - that can happen irrespective of what is going on in the marriage.

I know of a few people who have made this kind of arrangement work, at least for a time. Personally, I couldn't be bothered but as you say, you cannot really control what another person does. At least he is being honest with you.