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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does you H do this?

61 replies

womblingfree1970 · 29/04/2011 17:20

I wanted to raise another issue I have with my H and its the groping and fondling that he does.

For example if say I give H a morning /welcoming kiss he will grope one of my breasts either in a just direct groping way or make a silly honking horn noise with it.During the day together he will regularly come upto me and grope either my breasts or squeeze my bottom saying something like great ass or even grope my genitals.Most of which I dislike and have told H so on many occasions.But he still continues to do so.

H states that alot of men do this.That this is normal between couples.He says I'm the strange one.He rarely kisses me with a tender stroking of the face or anything like that.The only thing he does do is go in for a long kiss with really over the top groaning noises.Which seem put on.

I've seen the odd film where the H playfully grabs the wifes breasts and this is ok.But my H does this type of thing alot.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 29/04/2011 17:25

Sounds classy, not.

Not sure what to recommend to be honest, he is behaving like a child.

Tell him that the way he treats your body he is lucky he gets to touch it at all, that some finesse is in order not groping and grabbing like some ridiculous teenager.

ratspeaker · 29/04/2011 17:25

Good grief, no
My DH wouldn't do anything I said I disliked and vice versa
It's all about respect and loving someone as they are, not a Benny Hill type scenario

nobetterthanthat · 29/04/2011 17:26

I don't know anyone who does this so I wouldn't say it was normal.

If it were normal, do you think it would be ok for him to do it even though you don't like it? I don't like having my hair touched, I'm a bit odd about it really, so people who love me don't touch my head (well nobody does because strangers wouldn't, but people who love me go out of their way not to do something 'normal' to me that I don't like iyswim)

BertieBasset · 29/04/2011 17:27

Mine doesn't, he'll give me a cuddle as I walk past or a kiss/snog depending on if dd is around.

For me the point is you have said you don't like it and dh continues to do it, which is rude and disrespectful of your personal space.

whathow · 29/04/2011 17:28

My DH does this and it annoys me too. He can't seem to help himself and seriously would not mind if I did it back to him but I can hardly touch him otherwise he gets the wrong idea ie all I want is a hug/cuddle and he reads it as a promise. Otherwise he is a wonderful DH. Oh he doesn't do the kissy bit though. Again he would kiss me non-stop if I gave him the chance but in a nice way no groping at the same time.

oldenoughtowearpurple · 29/04/2011 17:33

It's not so much that he does it,
it's not even that he's carried on despite you making it clear you dislike it,
it's that he's telling you to your face that what you think is unimportant, wrong and doesn't count compared to what he thinks.

Your body belongs to you not to him. What you think and feel does count.

You can let him carry on and fester resentfully until you hate him so much you leave him. Or you go can go throught the unplesantness of making it absolutely clear to him that this is NOT ok and you will NOT put up with it any more. I am thinking huge rows here. Then there may be a future for your relationship.

I speak as one who lived with someone like this, put up with it, festered resentfully and eventually broke up the marriage. So my view may be slightly biased.

cocolepew · 29/04/2011 17:35

Dh doesn't but my ex bf did. Hence him now being ex.

cupofcoffee · 29/04/2011 17:37

My dp does not do this

TheOriginalFAB · 29/04/2011 17:38

Good God no, my husband doesn't do any of that as he doesn't see me as a sex toy for his use.

You really need to tell him to pack it in and tell him what the consequencies will be if he does it again.

BigSooz · 29/04/2011 17:39

Yuck. No, my DH does not do this.

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 29/04/2011 17:41

I think it is normal in some relationships actually. DH is always squeezing my bum. I am always goosing him. In fact we invented the 'barnacle goose' whereby you goose them and then cling on like a barnacle :o

Sorry, I digress Blush

But the point is, it is something we BOTH enjoy. So it is fine.

But your H is utterly disrespecting your feelings and personal space. He is doing something that he knows you don't enjoy, and telling you you're not normal just to control you and get his own way. Arsehole.

Diggs · 29/04/2011 17:41

Theres a very similar thread that you might find helpfull .

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1202180-Conjugal-rights-in-marriage

corlan · 29/04/2011 17:41

He is showing a huge lack of respect for you.

If you have asked him to stop and he still does it then he is showing you that your opinions and feelings don't count to him.

My XP still tries to grab my breasts and my backside - he does it front of my children and he pays no attention to what I say.He doesn't do it because he 'loves' me or 'fancies' me - he does it because he is a prick and he has no respect for what I say.

LoopyLoopsNincompoop · 29/04/2011 17:49

Nope, but then I'm not married to a clown.

Francesca123 · 29/04/2011 17:51

my bloke does the same but not to the extent that it bothers me, he will often pinch my bum if i walk past him close enough

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 29/04/2011 18:00

Another thing that he has done recently.

A few weeks ago whilst aboard a plane I leant foreward to pick up something for my DD.As I did this he undid my bra.This of course was done in view of everyone else on the plane.Although fortunately I don't think anyone saw.But I was not happy with this.H just acted as if I was being stuffy by complaining about it as he was doing it for a bit of fun.I see it different and at my age 41 pretty embarassing.

I just find it childish

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 29/04/2011 18:01

Gosh no, my DH would never do that.

Ask him how he would feel if you did something physical to him everyday which he didn't like. He told you he didn't like it, but you kept doing it. How would he feel?

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 29/04/2011 18:12

Francesca123

You say your H does the same but not to the same extent.Is it just the bottom pinching your H does (as this would be fine with me on occasions)or does he do the whole groping breasts etc.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 29/04/2011 18:22

No he doesn't, and wouldn't dare! Maybe some couples are very 'touchy' like that, but if you've said you don't like it then he should stop doing it. It also sounds like a different sort of thing from affectionate touching and cuddling (which I like actually). He sounds more like a teenage boy than a grown married man - squeezing your boobs with honking noises, undoing your bra in public Hmm, really disrespectful and stupid.

Diggs · 29/04/2011 18:28

I think the incidant on the plane was meant to embarrass you op. And humilate you .

Its not normal , your not over reacting and he has no right to do it . Id imagine this childish entitled attitude affects other areas of your relationship too . Clearly you are not responding by having sex with him , he knows its annoying and degrading , yet hes choosing to continue . Hes doing this because he enjoys upsetting you im sorry to say , its a type of bullying .

What would happen if you were to physically stop him from doing this ?

Original poster
womblingfree1970 · 29/04/2011 18:34

((What would happen if you were to physically stop him from doing this ?))

Diggs

I do try to physically stop him.He will then just grope harder,which then ends up causing me discomfort.When I complain,his reply is the more I complain the more he does it.

I've then tried the tactic of putting up with it and he still continues to do it.

OP posts:
purpleknittingmum · 29/04/2011 18:36

Try doing something to him along the same lines and see how he likes it?

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 29/04/2011 18:38

My husband does this. But in private and I like it. I know it's fun, playful and loving. It isn't 'groping' in a demeaning way. It's play. It's intimate. And it is just between the two of us.

If I told him I didn't like it, I can tell you now that he would never do it again. He would also never EVER do it in front of anyone else. Ever.

And that's the difference.

What you describe is not playful intimacy between a loving couple. Some of it seems like he is trying to humiliate you. At the very least, he appears to be trying to demonstrate to the world that you are his property.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 29/04/2011 18:38

x-post - the more you complain the more he does it?

that is abuse.

TheVisitor · 29/04/2011 18:41

The more you complain, the more he does it? He hurts you if you try and stop him? What a complete and utter SHIT he is. That's gone beyond groping, that's him telling you that your body belongs to him whether you like it or not. He has no respect for you AT all. Undoing your bra to humiliate you was giving you the same message. You have a choice here - you either put up with it or you tell him to pack it the fuck in or fuck off. My husband would NEVER treat me with so little respect.